God, No ____________

God, No
____________

This was it. The moment that defined his entire life.

Squall held out the open box to Rinoa and held his breath.

"Rinoa Heartilly, will you marry me?"

There was a moment of pure silence.

Then Rinoa knocked the box out of Squall's hand and burst into tears.
"I can't go on living this lie!"

Squall blinked and looked up from the box. "... I know the Cafeteria
isn't the most romantic place, but - "

"It's not that, Squall! I'm in love with someone else!"

He blinked even more, then stood up so quickly he knocked over a chair.

"We've been dating for three months. I'm sorry, Squall..."

Squall unsheathed Lionheart and gritted his teeth. "Who is he?!"

A pair of slim pale arms encircled his former love's waist and he
followed them up to see a lock of blonde hair fall over Rinoa's cheek
as the assailant nibbled at her ear. Rinoa giggled and batted playfully
at Quistis' arms.

Squall sat down again with a bump.

"Really, Squall," Irvine protested, coming up to the side of the pair.
"We thought you'd notice."

"Rinoa... and Quistis?"

"Yeah. I think it's cute!" Selphie piped up, at Irvine's side, as per
always.

"C'mon, Squall," Quistis spoke up, turning her head to him as Rinoa
moved down to lick at her neck. "You can find true love. Just like me
and Rinoa, or Selphie and Angelo."

Squall was depressed, but he knew enough to cock an eyebrow. "Selphie
and Angelo?"

Selphie blushed. "Booyaka! We're not going steady yet."

The dark-haired boy looked at them all steadily until he determined
that indeed yes, they were all insane. "So Irvine, who are you
dating?" he asked sarkily.

Irvine gave him a huge grin. "Well, I couldn't decide between Cid and
Edea... so I just took them both! Hah, hah, hah!"

Squall shuddered and began to back away slowly. "Whatever..."
On cue, mainly because this is a fanfic, Seifer and his posse strode
into the cafeteria. Seifer took one look at Squall and laughed long
and loud. "Wah, hah, hah! Looks like my old rival Squall is in
trouble." Seifer smirked at the man cowering from him, paying no
attention to the two girls making out beside him.

"Go away, Seifer. I am busily going insane," Squall said calmly.

"He just found out Rinoa's cheating on him, so he's in a mega-bummer,"
Selphie explained to the blonde.

Seifer nodded sagely. "Hell. That can do bad shit to a man. If I ever
found MY honey cheating on someone, I'd say, 'Hey, bitch, get back in
the kitchen and make me some -' "

"Seifer Almasy! You don't get back here right now, I won't play the
spanking game with you tonight!"

His demeanor immediately became docile and he turned around and whined
to the large woman standing at the door beside her son. "Aw, Mrs Dincht,
do I haveta?"

"That's Mistress Dincht to you!"

"Yes, Mistress."

"ZELL!" Fujin squealed delightedly, recognizing the chocobo-haired
shadow behind Ma Dincht.

"Oooh! Fujie-baby!" Zell squirmed beside his mother and ran into the
silver-haired woman's embrace. "My pookie-wookie-wuv."

"CHOCOBO-DARLING-DEAR," Fujin said affectionately, rubbing his back and
making sloppy kissing noises as Ma Dincht put Seifer's collar back on.

Squall whimpered and hid under the table.

Selphie got to her knees and smiled cheerfully at the trembling man.
"C'mon, Squall. None of us want to hurt you. We just want you to be
happy!"

"Redrum, redrum, redrum," Squall whimpered back. "Black materia.
Do the Dew, man. I'm going insane!"

"Calm down, Squallie," she soothed. "Just loosen up - oooh, hey, Ange!
Wanna doggie biscuit?"

Squall wriggled out from underneath the table and looked around the
room. Selphie was feeding Angelo the aforementioned doggie biscuit.
Ma Dincht was tying Seifer over a table and getting a paddle out of her
handbag. Zell was alternately sucking on Fujin's neck and whispering
sweet nothings in her ear. Squall thanked Hyne for his hair at that
moment, because it hid the vision of Rinoa slowly trickling melted
butter down Quistis' top.

Squall clenched his eyes shut and took some deep breaths. Yeah. This
was all normal. Be cool, Squall. Besides... there was one lonely person
in the room who was... tugging on his heartstrings with the pathetic
look on their face. Besides, Squall always did have a strange attraction
to the person... this looked like the perfect time to act.

He smoothed his hair and strutted cooly over to the person's side,
clearing his throat nervously. "Well... whatever, I don't know about
you, but... I've always... had this urge to..."

Raijin's eyes lit up like fairy lights. "Your room or mine, ya know?!"
_______________

Squall woke up screaming.

It took him a few moments to realize where he was and he thankfully
leaned back and wiped the sweat off his brow. It had all been a dream,
one horrible dream, and now he was back home and Rinoa was in bed beside
him. Just a dream. Just a dream.

'Rinoa' turned over and a pair of dark eyes in a burnt-brown face gleamed
coyly at Squall. "Ready for round two, ya know...?"

Squall looked at Raijin.

Raijin looked at Squall.

Squall opened his mouth to scream again, then shrugged. "Whatever."
________________

Sailor Squall says, "We learnt today that it's not good to argue about
people and their romantic interests. We should just imagine them all
in one huge orgy and write lemons about it, adding cool things like
tentacles an' stuff! Wicked cool!"
________________

The End (Thank God)