This is my first attempt at humour, I'm pretty excited. Please tell me what you thought of it, whether you thought it was funny or not and how I can improve! I can't improve unless I have feedback!
Anyways... This is just something random that popped into my head the other day. Enjoy!!
Disclaimer: Only the wonderful Stephanie Meyer owns the rights to these characters, not I.
I was starting to worry about Bella, we all were.
It had been three days since I last saw my wife. She had locked herself in her study, allowing no one entry, including myself. All we could hear from the inside was furious clicking and typing. Even the computer was muted, so we could not hear what was going on inside.
No one had been able to budge Bella from her spot in front of the computer. Esme and Carlisle had tried to bribe her, to no avail. I had begged and pleaded and tried to convince my wife to come talk to me, only to be told she would not be much longer. That had been two days ago. I tried singing for Bella, but I was ignored. I tried seducing Bella (which is quite difficult from behind a door) which, while providing much entertainment for my family, did nothing to budge Bella.
Alice, who would have been most helpful in this situation, was unfortunately on the other side of the planet, on a month-long, tour of Europe with Jasper. I silently cursed my bad luck.
Desperate measures were needed. Yesterday, I had called Emmett up. He threatened to knock down the door and drag her out by her ear if she didn't come out for family movie night. In response he was ordered to do something vulgar and, well, quite unnatural to himself. Bella backed up her statement with such a long and offensive slew of swear-words, Emmett was left standing, staring at the door with his mouth open like a codfish which quickly turned to a smug smile.
"Ahhh, that's my girl," he thought to me, "she's learned well. Sorry, Edward, but I can't go bust her after that. First of all, she'll rip my head, or another rather important organ, off, and secondly, I'm too proud of her."
I was disgusted; mainly because my last hope, Emmett, had just admitted to teaching the most crude words to my little, now not so innocent, Bella and also because, well frankly, Bella's rather long list of commands had left me feeling a little nauseous.
"Bella!" I pleaded, "Let me in, please."
"No, I'm busy. I'll be out in a second."
I had heard that one before. It was amazing just how long Bella seemed to think a second lasted. I don't know where Bella learned to count time, but currently, her "second" had lasted days.
"Bella, it's time to get off the computer, you've been on it for three days." I tried a new approach, more commanding.
"I'm busy." Her voice was flat, and dismissing.
"I know. You've told me before. Just come out, for at least an hour." Maybe I could persuade her to come out for a bit with a compromise.
"I can't stop now; I'll lose what I've saved." Well, there goes my plan for a compromise.
Wait a second, what on earth could Bella be doing that she couldn't walk away from the computer? What was so important to her that she could come away for even the shortest amount of time?
A few horrible theories ran through my head.
Oh God. Online dating. That had to be it. Bella had lost interest in me and had turned to online dating for company. Or maybe it was World of Warcraft. I had heard about that game. Teenagers, addicted to the game for months would ignore everything just for the game. My legs began to tremble beneath me. I couldn't bear the thought of Bella stuck in there for months and me, out here, alone.
"You're not playing World of Warcraft, are you, Bella?" My voice sounded slightly panicky. "Please let me come in and sit with you, at the very least. I miss you Bella, I miss your very presence in my life." I had dropped so low I was groveling and begging for her.
"Go away, Edward. I'll be out when I am finished, and not until then!"
Bella's harsh words cut through me like a knife. Rejection. I had just been rejected by Bella. For the first time in my life, I learned what it felt like to be unwanted. I began to sink into a deep pool of despair. I don't know how long I stood outside the study door, drowning in my sorrow. Slowly my despair morphed into disbelief, then to anger. How dare Bella reject me? All I had ever done was what was best for her, loved her, cared for her.
Bella's slightly muffled voice traveled to me from the other side of the door.
"I know you are still there, Edward. It will do no good waiting for me, go away."
That was it. I wanted my wife back, our bed was lonely, and so was I.
"I'm coming in Bella."
"Don't you dare," she snarled in her best blood-thirsty vampire voice. I hesitated for a second. Her voice was so menacing I began to rethink my decision. I had only experienced that tone of voice a few times before, it was a rarity from my usually gentle Bella, and it was something to be avoided at all costs. When Bella growled like that, it meant she was exceptionally angry and to cross her would result in harsh consequences. My last punishment came to mind: a week of celibacy. I debated whether interrupting Bella was really in my best interest.
A quote from Shakespeare came to mind, "Hell hath no fury like an Irish woman's scorn". Well, Bella wasn't Irish, but I could definitely relate with Shakespeare on this point.
I decided it was worth it, whatever the consequences were going to be. I wanted Bella back, and I was willing to sacrifice my own life for it if need be.
I took a deep breath, readying myself for the fury I would be facing on the other side of the door.
In one swift movement, I easily broke the lock and the hinges on the door and it swung open. Bella was quick to respond, closing the window on the computer immediately, but not until I caught a glimpse of the website she was on.
I stood there, frozen in shock. Were my eyes deceiving me? This was not possible. Bella, my Bella, had given up three days of my company for… this? I had been prepared for the worst, but this surpassed what even my wildest dreams (had it been possible for me to dream) could produce. I wondered what I had done wrong, why Bella had lost interest me. Because, it had to be that, there was no other explanation for her behavior.
My brain was running in circles, but my voice could only find one thing to say.
Ahhh, Neopets. Anyone remember that?
What did you think of the story? Review please??
Update: Thank you to all my wonderful readers!! I've never had so many reviews in such a short time, and you guys are all so nice to me!! First time readers: that doesn't mean you guys are off the hook, I would love to hear your thoughts too!!