This is based on an about 15-20 second scene in "The End" when Scully sees Mulder and Diana catching up, it is the one scene in the entire series that has almost made me cry… and that's coming from someone who has never cried during a movie/tv show.
It's almost ridiculous to me that I can get so much out of so little screen time, but Gillian Anderson is just THAT good.
I chickened out, completely and utterly chickened out. But why? I walked down that hall expecting to see Mulder and Diana in that room. But not holding hands. Not chatting, smiling, and enjoying each other's company. When I blanched at that sight and quickly passed by the door I told myself that I was just allowing them their moment to catch up, but in reality, I just couldn't watch them together; hands, minds, connecting in most every sense of the word.
After I lost my nerve and barreled out of that hallway, I ended up at my car in that dismal garage, my thoughts an incoherent blur of the past few days. I felt almost dizzy, I couldn't think, I needed to sit down. In my haste to open the door I nearly missed the lock with my keys. I exhaled raggedly as I plunked down in the behind the wheel and threw the folders aside, hoping desperately to clear my thoughts and be able to move past whatever made me run out of that hallway so foolishly, so irrationally, so unlike myself.
I sat there and finally allowed myself a moment to think about it, about her. I opened my mind and heart to the feelings that I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge since that certain brunette had agreed with Mulder and caught his eye during that meeting two days ago. Had it really been two days?
I was overwhelmed. So many thoughts and feelings came tumbling into my consciousness that I nearly started to cry. What was happening to me? Why am I acting so jealous and, well, girly? Am I jealous? After a few more seconds of thought, staring at the blank concrete wall-- it all became clear.
I might be jealous. I definitely envy the look in his eyes when he talks to her. After five years, I feel as if I deserve that look. I'm envious that he is paying so much attention to her. I feel possessive of him. Like I'm three years old. My Mulder.
I don't know how this happened, but I've ended up in love with him. At the beginning I was enamored of him, I thought that despite the aliens and paranoia, he was so handsome and intelligent; and really, who wouldn't fantasize? But as the years went on the fantasies faded and were replaced with a purely androgynous love, a love that emanates from two souls that work completely in tandem, becoming more like one person than two. As in: you hardly ever hear 'Mulder' without 'Scully' right behind it. But this year, this year, since I recovered from my cancer, it almost feels as if he's been wooing me, daring me to fall IN love with him. Dancing with me, supporting me, calling me his 'one in five billion'. So I have, I am in love with Fox Mulder; God help me.
You know, it's not jealousy—not really. I guess it's more that I am incredibly… just incredibly sad. I feel as if Mulder is leaving me behind, and has forgotten all about me. After all that I've shared with him, all that we've seen and done, I feel as if I've lost him. I feel like I've got so much staked in our work now, and alone, I know I'll never get my answers. I'm grieving the loss of who he is to me, and realizing that the closeness we share is drifting farther and farther apart with Diana around. When I look back at that image of them, one I'll probably always carry with me, I'm almost glad he can connect that way with someone, someone who shares his beliefs and has a history with him. It's nice to see that side of him. I won't deny that I've wished that we could be that: you know, closer than partners, especially recently, and I want to believe that he has too; in reality, though, it seems unlikely-- and for some reason it always has.
He loves me; I know that. He respects me, trusts me and is genuinely proud of me, but I just can't reconcile that with the way he looks at her. I also know that I mean the world to him, the thing is though; he's got the whole universe in his mind.
Mulder and Diana are good together, I can see that, but I can't help the feeling of utter betrayal that has come over me. I feel awkward, as if I've stumbled into the middle of something I have no right to stumble into—when really I think it's the other way around.
I don't want to be in the way if she'll make him happy; he deserves that. And she seems perfectly compatible to him, from what I know. I also don't know her well enough to hate her, but I kind of do on principle, just because she is one in a line of women who have caused Mulder pain. I can't help feeling that there's something she's hiding, but she's not the devil—and she doesn't hold him back.
So I pull myself together, pull out my phone and lie my ass off.
Just like always.