AN: Oh, how it's been so long. We're so sorry we've been gone. We were busy writing this for YOU. (lol, sorry I couldn't help myself. A shout out to those Panic fans;))
So...there's really so much that I can say, but I think I'll spare you the rambling so you can go on to reading. There'll be another AN at the end anyway ;)
Disclaimer: Not our characters, plot inspired by The Quiet, and song title belongs to Snow Patrol-Chasing Cars.
After a second of shock and an apology hanging in the air, it finally dawned on me. And just…What the fuck? Because that can't be…right? But that voice. And Now… Now I was running back towards the door, only to hear the sound of the shower going just as I raised my fist to knock. I guess… I'll have to wait.
Despite the fact that I always considered myself a patient person, and more of a listener than a talker, I was more than a little surprised when I found myself pacing back and fourth with words and accusations at the ready.
After a time that I found appropriate for Jasper to have finished dressing, I made my way through the hallway, standing outside of his door like so many other times since he's moved here. I didn't find it necessary to knock, he wouldn't hear it anyway, so I hesitantly cracked open the door and took a peak in. There in the middle of the room, looking down at the papers strewn all around, Jasper stood, his back to me and his shoulder's hunched just slightly.
Before I even opened the door completely the silence was broken.
"Come in Bella."
My mouth opened just slightly and he turned around, moving his hair out of his face and motioned to his bed. I tried to ignore the increased sound of my heart beat as I walked over and sat down.
Jasper didn't look at me again as he sat on the floor and started picking up papers.
He was stalling. I'd be dumb if I didn't know that. But I let him; I didn't push it because I needed to figure out what I was going to say. Suddenly I wished that I hadn't been so eager to come over and question him. I didn't know where to start.
After a shorter time than I had hoped for, Jasper stacked all the papers in a pile and stuffed them in a notebook on the desk before coming over to sit on the bed next to me.
"You can talk." I signed, looking up at him. I decided not to really say anything; hopefully…maybe he would just tell me. Trust me.
"They never said I was mute, Bella." And the sound of my name never sounded so beautiful on anyone else's lips.
Finally he looked at me and I could see that he felt exposed, vulnerable. A part of me didn't want to do this now; I didn't want to see him like this. But I knew that it needed to happen so I could help him.
"It's just…uncomfortable," he signed, shrugging. "It's not like I can hear if what I'm saying is coming out right…or what I sound like at all," he said sadly, his head tilted down just slightly.
Without thinking about it, I turned his head to look at me and smiled just slightly.
"There's nothing wrong with your voice. Trust me." And…wow I can't believe I just said that.
He smiled at that and turned away, trying and failing (so hard) to hide the red flooding to his cheeks. And, god.
I must have zoned out and forgotten how long I was staring-so focused on how fucking beautiful he was, because the next thing I knew Jasper was waving a hand in front of my face and- "Bella? Hello, Bella?"
Maybe I should just keep pretending I don't hear him. If only I could hear him say my name forever…
Jasper laughed; his lips forming a smirk.
"It's late; we have school in the morning…"
It felt weird to just accept this new found feeling; to just go back to normal, almost wrong. And I couldn't help the disappointed expression that took over my face for a second before I caught myself.
"Yeah," I looked over to the clock: 11:40. Jesus, where'd the time go? "I'll wake you in the morning."
Barely three steps and I felt a cold hand capture my wrist. Tight enough to get attention, but loose enough for me to pull back freely. As if I ever could. As if I had a choice. I never did, not with Jasper.
I turned back to see his defenseless blue eyes. Those eyes that could be everything at once, those eyes that now reflected fear, maybe a little hope, a hint of shame…
"Will you…Could you maybe stay with me tonight?" I had never seen him so distressed …So utterly lost looking…. how could I deny him anything?
I squeezed his hand and nodded. He was tearing me apart and he didn't even know it. He was making this so damn hard for me. Because I couldn't. There was no way I could ever…have him.
Climbing into bed was strange because it didn't feel strange at all. It felt like routine, like absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. Curling up beside him under the covers, the smell of vanilla and freshness and just Jasper that took over my senses was just.
And then awareness. It always happened like this. Just the feeling of completeness before the awareness filtered into the picture…
We lay side by side on the twin sized bed and the time passing by couldn't lull me into closing my eyes to the sight of him.
He had long since fallen asleep, his breathing finding a pattern that matched my own. But I didn't think about it too much.
I smiled down at our still intertwined fingers. He still didn't let go, and as long as he needed them there, needed me there, then that's that.
Upon closer inspection I could spot the deep cuts that scarred his arm. And, fuck. It hurt. It hurt to see him like that. To know that it was once that bad. It was hard to imagine him hurting when he was right here, this close, and looking so at ease. Harder to imagine someone hurting him enough to make him do this. And then I remembered the scars on his back.
A tear escaped on its own accord as I subconsciously lowered my lips to his scars. Hoping to kiss them away, to make it all better. Because Jasper deserved that. He deserved better.
"I'll fix you. I will. I promise." I whispered against his wrist, knowing that I would never get to tell him, and knowing this might me my only chance to ever be this close to him; that he might go back to the blank faced, uninterested person he used to be in the morning.
With one last look at Jasper, I closed the distance between us-feeling terrible and hopeless as I kissed him lightly on the lips. Small and quick enough to be a friendly kiss, but just enough to be so much more. So soft and perfect and. This was what I'd been thinking about for so long, and even though he wasn't even aware of it, he still made my heart beat faster, made me fall a little harder.
I fell asleep after that, or so I thought. Just on the brink of awareness, slowly fading into the fogginess of my mind, I heard my name in the quiet.
Waking up was just the same, just the same as last time, and also ten different kinds of not even close. In the back of my mind I could hear the alarm clock blaring from my bedroom and knew it was time for school. Oh, joy.
Then all I noticed was the smooth skin underneath me, the light fanning of soft breathing on the back of my neck. And, whoa.
I took a much needed deep breath before I tried to figure out where my limbs ended and his began. And then, what the hell? When did his shirt come off?
I was on top of him, my right leg wedged in between his, and my arms were around him and. Oh god so close.
Then it dawned on me, Jasper's cold hand on my skin where my shirt had ridden up. Tracing patterns and words that I couldn't make out.
A shiver ran through me, and he must have felt it, felt the sudden goose bumps rise up on my skin because he froze for a moment, and continued again. And this, this was different.
Still in post sleep fogginess, I slowly tilted my head up till my chin rested on his chest and smiled. His dark eyes captured mine and held them, allowing a slow, teasing smile to grace his lips.
Cautiously, I lifted my hand and let my fingers push back his hair from his face, letting them linger there for a bit longer than necessary.
I wanted to stay there forever. Just lying in Jasper's arms, skin on skin sleeping the day away. But the sound of my alarm clock was starting to give me an insane headache.
Not wanting to break the silent interaction we were having, I cautiously leaned down, pressing my lips to Jasper's chest before making my way out of his room, my cheeks aflame and not once looking back.
Once I shut off the alarm and sat on the bed to gather myself, when I finally realized how horrible I felt. Waking up in Jasper's arms distracted me, but now, alone in my room it all hit me. Really hard. My head hurt, my throat was burning and I just felt all around disgusting. Fantastic. I wonder how Jasper must be feeling, seeing as he had been the one out in the rain all night.
I shook my head, deciding to see if my mom was awake yet, but when I got to her room it was empty.
It wasn't unheard of; her just not being there all the time, but it always put me in a state of fear. Before I could panic too much, I reached over to the phone and dialed her number.
Two rings, that's all it got to before I heard her voice over the receiver.
"Bella, sweetie I'm so sorry. There's a storm heading in and my fight has been cancelled 'until further notice'", she mocked. I smiled and breathed out a laugh at her hyper personality. Even over the phone my mother could be such a child.
"It's okay Mom. I was just checking," I twisted the phone cord around my index finger as I sat on her bed.
"So, how is everything? You're okay right? Jasper's doing fine?"
"Yeah, yeah everything's fine. Jasper's perfect," I coughed, "Jasper's perfectly fine as well," I fixed. God, this wasn't good. "I actu-"
"I just feel so bad leaving you both there alone. I could be so irresponsible sometimes, Bella. I really am sorry." She sounded worried. I sighed.
"Mom, you have no control over the weather, its fine. I actually wanted to tell you that I think we've both caught something, and I feel really crappy. Would it be okay if we skipped today?"
Finally getting into mother mode, she went off a list of things to drink, where the soup is, what medicine to take, and how we should be resting a lot. I just laid down and listened, 'mhhm-ing' every once in a while.
"Drink lost of water, and Bella get well soon. I don't want you two missing a lot of school. It's barely started; don't make a habit of it."
"Alright, mom. Got it. Do you know when you're going to get back?"
"Not quite sure, no. But I don't see it lasing longer than a couple of days."
I sighed. I hated when things like this happened. "Okay. I guess I'll see you later."
"Okay, hon. I'll see you soon. Make sure Jasper's doing alright. I love you."
"Yup. I Lo-".
The line was dead.
I put the phone back down and closed my eyes. "Love you too, Mom."
I don't know how long I sat there, a few-okay, maybe fifteen minutes tops, before I saw something in my peripheral vision moving.
Leaning up on my elbows I saw Jasper standing there, leaning in the doorway. His hair was dark gold and wet like he had just taken a shower (didn't he just take on last night?), he was most definitely not wearing a shirt, and his pants. Holy fucking Jesus Christ his pants were hanging low-dangerously low on his protruding hip bones.
My throat felt dry.
"I don't feel very well," he signed, smiling wearily.
Looks like you're perfectly fine to me. I shook my head slightly, trying to rid my thoughts.
"No problem; me either. Um, I was going to go watch a movie. Do you, um…"
He shifted, his pants falling lower. He smiled and headed downstairs.
"Oh, I'm so screwed," I groaned, rolling over and putting my face in the pillow.
"So, any ideas?" I motioned over to the shelf full of movies. I didn't really care what we watched; this was just a better idea than sitting alone in my room thinking… sometimes thinking too much can really screw with things.
"Um…" Jasper stood up and made his way nest to me, and. Dear lord was he always this tall? He looked through them, unknowingly getting closer until his bare torso was firmly against me. And the electricity of it still gave me shivers. But he must have chosen to ignore it, that or he hadn't felt it at all.
A bright smile suddenly lit his face as he reached for one of the movies higher up and rushed over to the VCR. And then I was confused. What the hell movie did he pick? We hardly ever use the VCR anymore…
He blew off the dust, shoving it in and pressing play, before jumping over to the couch.
This complete change in character made me smile and laugh. I love that he could be this way, so childish and fun. He was undeniably adorable.
I sat on the couch just a few feet from him-pretty much as far away from him as I could get. I was still not sure where we stood. I didn't want to risk anything when he's finally starting to be himself, when he's finally opening up to me.
The opening credits started, bright colors and cartooned houses were displayed on the screen and…you got to be kidding me.
"Toy Story… Really?" I laughed and poked him in the side.
He looked over to me and my incredulous expression before sticking his tongue out at me.
"We're sick! It's either an awesome kid's movie with soup or lame re-runs of old TV shows with soup…. But I really wanted to watch this. Don't judge me," he signed pulling out an incredible pout, big blue eyes and pursed lip and all. And talk about not fighting fair. How am I to argue with that?
I just rolled my eyes and tried to hold back a smile. "Yeah. Alright, I'll get the soup then."
Half way through the movie and I can't keep my thoughts together. It bugged me. Even though he seemed okay with me last night, and today even, he still hadn't told me what happened last night; why he had left, why he freaked out.
Trying to ignore the way my heart subconsciously reacted when I saw him smile, the shock that sent shivers up my spine when his fingers would accidentally touch my legs. Knowing why and knowing that it was wrong and he didn't feel it. Maybe that was worse: how completely oblivious he was to what he was doing to me, how he made me feel.
I was thinking too hard about it; not thinking clearly, because without knowing, it all spilled out of my mouth. Well, half of it.
My hand was on his arm and he was looking straight at me, the movie forgotten. "Why won't you tell me?"
"Tell you what, Bella?" He signed, his eyes confused.
"What happened last night? Why did you react like that? Just…"
It was too much. Too much to ask, but all this damn curiosity was really going to give me a headache.
Jasper's eyes softened sadly.
"I can't," he replied in a broken voice. That was my only answer. He went back to watching the screen, only he didn't look like he was really watching it at all. He looked angry at himself; his jaw clenched. He didn't say anything else for the rest of the evening. I blew it.
School was cut short on Tuesday. The weather was getting really bad and the principal thought it best to get us home. Alice Cullen, who I had found to be in my PE class (how had I never met this amazing little human being before?), was ecstatic. She was adorable, jumping around and inviting Jasper and I to hang out sometime. Just her way of making you agree was astonishingly efficient and stupidly annoying.
"Please Bella? It would be so fun! We could have a sleepover and tell out secrets and you have to say yes, you have to!" Her big brown eyes turned to saucers.
I again, rolled my eyes. "Of course I will. Sounds great." And obviously it did, I don't remember the last time I was actually invited over to someone's house to hang out.
"YES!" Alice squished me with a hug. "This will be epic! Invite Jasper too. I'm sure Edward would love some company."
Being home was the different and all the same in a way. I hated how contradicting everything was at the moment. Jasper and I got out of the car, he opened the door for me like he usually did, we made our way inside and we both separated to our respective rooms.
It was when I was making dinner, Jasper leaning against the counter having given up asking if I needed help, that suddenly everything seemed to change. Just, shift somehow. I could actually feel it in the air. Some sort of electricity, some heavy feeling that just flooded your lungs. I chose to ignore it.
Jasper set the table anyway, helping me get the silverware out and giving me a face that I couldn't argue with.
He signed, "I can help, just let me."
I sat there for a while with my plate still in front of me, untouched. I wasn't hungry, I had this strange feeling. Like something was going to happen, and I didn't know what, and it scared the hell out of me.
A few minutes later and I felt blue eyes staring holes in my head. I looked up, and just as expected, Jasper was there, his eyebrows furrowed just slightly, biting his bottom lip. He wasn't mad, no, he didn't look mad. But he looked as if he was debating something, but it was the way he was looking at me. It put me on edge and sent a shiver to run up my spine.
Suddenly I flashed back to the first time we slept in the same bed, waking up with his lips against my neck, his body just so close, and feeling completely safe. I felt the heat rising to my face, his intense stare still focused on me.
"…Jasper?" it came out as a whisper, (not that he could tell) and his eyes suddenly flashed down to my lips and then back up to my eyes. I should be used to that, it's nothing out of the ordinary, I mean, he had to figure out what I was saying somehow, but it still made me flush even more.
"I'm…" going to die if you keep staring at me like that, "I'm going up to my room, 'kay? I have to finish up some homework."
Homework was easy, and I finished way faster than I had expected, but I still couldn't bring myself to go back downstairs, so I decided to write.
Pulling out my journal always calmed me down, and just for the heck of it, I flipped through the old pages, skimming through months of both good and bad days. As I went through the more recent ones, I realized with a sigh that they were almost always about Jasper. I felt kind of like a creep, and then sad because wow, this might be worse than I had thought.
I found the next free page, just letting everything out: my new little friend Alice, her brother Edward…, my mom's new working schedule, questions I had about Jasper, my confusion about how Jasper made me feel, how weird it was that even though he's deaf he's so aware of when I'm near, how Jasper this, how Jasper that, Jasper, Jasper, Jasper.
"Oh, Damnit!" I looked at the page before ripping it, crumpling it and aiming for the trash. "This is ridiculous."
I laid back on the pillows, closed my eyes, and held the open journal on top of me. I wonder what he's doing right now. I sighed. I hate my brain.
There was a knock, and then he was leaning against my doorway.
Jasper was gorgeous: his honey golden hair falling into his eyes and a secretive smile on his lips.
"What are you up to?" He signed, and I suddenly had an aching to hear his voice.
"Umm. Nothing. I-no, nothing," I rambled guiltily, closing my journal and laying it beside me on the bed, a feeling of heat flooding up to my face. I looked guilty, great.
Jasper raised a questioning eyebrow and walked the rest of the way into my room without asking, sitting next to me on the bed.
It was nothing out of the norm, our new closeness, or our carefree conversation. But it still made me on edge, especially when he was like this.
Jasper bit at the corner of his bottom lip, and tried not to smile.
My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Why are you so-"
"What are you writing about, Bella?" His voice cut mine off, sent shivers down my spine with the sound of my name on his lips. And, god have I been caught? Why was he acting so suspicious?
"I-nothing Jasper, god!" Oh, and yeah. I'm a terrible liar.
He laughed, the sound was musical. I frowned. What was it to him anyway? And what's with the drastic change in his moods lately? He was starting to give me whiplash.
After calming himself, something flashed in his eyes, too quick for me to catch, and suddenly his expression changed completely. His eyes became more intense, and he licked his lips. And then, then he was getting closer to me, closing the gap between us till he was only inches away.
"How am I to trust you Bella?" His lips are a breath away from mine, and he skips over to run them along my cheek, and then whisper in my ear. "You're making this harder then it has to be." And he nips at the bottom of my ear. No thoughts were coming to me except closer, closer, please. Need.
And then he was gone, jumping off my bed with the journal.
"Jasper!" I screamed in vain, running after him through the connecting bathroom and into his room.
"Hmm," I heard him mumble as he opened up the cover, flipping through the pages.
"Jasper, come on give it back!" I lunged at him, grabbing him by the shoulders and wrapping my legs around his waist. Just reaching, because oh, lord if he saw anything written in that journal, I would surely die.
He was still too tall. And his arms were held high above his head as he laughed and held the book up, trying to read it.
"Jasper, Give it back!" He couldn't hear me, what was the point?
"Is any of it about me?"
"No!" I said it automatically, didn't think anything of it.
The weight of us from moving around got to be too much, and we were both falling. I landed on top of Jasper on the bed. Still reaching, and hitting, and then-.
"'Fiery, erotic, and perfectly sweet', huh?" His lips lifted into a sexy smile, and. Oh my god.
It was silent then, and my heart was beating too fast for me to keep up with. It was fast and slow and then stopped all together and, oh, he'll never let me live this down. I've ruined everything.
I was still straddling his waist, my arms reaching in vain to get my journal out of his hands. Thinking fast, I pinched his hip, making him giggle. Yes, giggle, (at least I've got something against him) before I snatched the journal out of his hand; jumping off of him before walking quickly to my own room.
"Bella! Bella, listen, I'm sorry, just-"
He grabbed my wrist as I was about to close the bathroom door on him.
"Bella, please? Its okay, I'm-"
I pulled my wrist away from him, but he wouldn't take the hint, as he slipped his way into my room with me.
Embarrassment got the best of me and a sudden sting took over behind my eyes. I didn't want this. He wasn't supposed to find out. Not this way at least. Why couldn't he just let me wallow in my own humiliation?
"It's not-just go! Please, I'm embarrassed enough and I don't need your-"
His lips cut me off and then there was heat everywhere.
Jasper's kiss was nothing like I thought it'd be. It was softer and harder, sweeter and fiercer, and one hundred times more perfect than I could have imagined.
"You have no idea how much I've wanted to do that." He whispered against my lips, closing the gap again and god, I couldn't breathe.
You see the thing is, I didn't see it coming at first and I was so shocked that all I could do was just stand there. It was when he started to pull away-fear and rejection radiating off of him, before my mind finally kicked in and I pulled him back to me. My fingers tangled in his too soft hair, and I was kissing him with all I've got.
I didn't know we started moving until the back of my knees hit the edge of the bed and I was falling, Jasper still attached to my lips and falling with me.
I pulled away, trying to regulate my breathing. Jasper didn't mind the change, and made his way down to my neck; kissing and sucking and biting and. Dear, lord. I hope that doesn't make a mark, I'd have no idea how to explain that.
We got to the middle of my bed, and I grabbed the back of Jasper's neck, making him move his lips back to mine.
I wasn't aware that I was lifting up my hips off the bed and pushing them into Jasper's until he groaned-deep, needy, and breathless, and started nibbling on my bottom lip.
He pushed his hips back harder, trapping me in between the mattress and himself. Harder until I could feel his erection rubbing in between-Toofasttoofasttoofasttoofast- Oh, god. Not fast enough.
We were panting; I couldn't hear anything but our harsh breathing as my hand moved under Jasper's shirt, sliding over his back and to the front over his chest, pushing it up and over his head.
Once it was off I was touching him everywhere. He moved his mouth back to mine and twisted his tongue with mine. And then I was pushing back into his hips and-
"Oh, fuck," Jasper moaned, grabbing hold of my hips, hard enough to bruise, and shoved them back down into the mattress.
I gasped, and Jasper made his way down my body. Lifting my shirt and sucking wherever his lips could touch and oh, god.
I heard a door close downstairs.
"Bella? I'm home!"
My eyes flashed open. Just…shit!
So...there you have it! Hope we didn't disappoint. I know it's been long, but a lot's been happening and don't worry, I'll make sure next chapter doesn't take half a year to update :D
For me it was mostly my lost faith in the books for a while. I really wasn't very fond of Breaking Dawn (maybe except for Jasper's parts ;)) and the Twilight movie...just...yeah. Enough said for me. (At least NM looks better!)
But anyhoo, please review :D You guys are really the only reason I kept this going, otherwise I most likely would have just abandoned it =/
Just like old times, this chapter was inspired by the song:
Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol
We'll do it all
On our own
We don't need
If I lay here
If I just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
Until next time,