Author's Note: I'll write my disclaimer at the bottom of the page ok? I'll just spoil things if I do it here…This isn't a Hidan crackfic as it involves the rest of the Akatsuki members as well. So I guess it's an Akatsuki crackfic. :D This is a one-shot and I'll never want to continue on it ever again. I'm just trying to write as many one-shots as I can before I go off to uni (which is in not but a week's time).
Warnings: Language, language, language (what the hell do you expect if Hidan's involved in it?), OOC- ness (it's a crackfic…duh!), etc, etc.
Hidan was getting angrier and angrier by the minute. That dumb ass Deidara was hogging the remote all to himself while Hidan desperately felt like changing the channel. A furious urge to just walk over to the blonde and rip his little blond head off settled in Hidan and the thought made him grit his teeth in frustration.
Everyone in the Akatsuki was there in the living room. Most of them, the very stoic ones at least, were too busy minding their own business but there were about three or four who were actually watching the television.
"Oi, Deidara-chan, how long are you gonna hog on the remote for, huh?" Hidan barked, "I wanna watch my own fucking show!"
Deidara didn't even glance his way, though he did frown a little.
"Not yet, un! I'm watching Desperate Kunoichis!" Deidara hissed; blue eyes completely glued to the screen.
Hidan rolled his eyes at the mention of the show.
"What the fuck's wrong with you, ya pansy?" Hidan asked loudly, not bothering to tone down even when Sasori flashed him warning looks.
"Desperate Kunoichis, my ass! That's a fucking girl's show and you're watching it like some obsessed fangirl!"
This time, Deidara turned and glared at Hidan. Oh, a comment like that deserved a comeback. Hidan was always going on about what a 'pansy' or 'sissy' or 'faggot' Deidara was and he'd had enough.
"I just like to watch the red head in this show, un!" Deidara cried, "She's just my type of girl, okay!?"
Hidan blinked a few times at Deidara in something the blond took as an expression of surprise. And then the silver-haired priest burst out laughing.
"You mean, you watch the show coz' you have crush on the red head? Man, that is just fucking sweet!" Hidan snickered.
"What's wrong with liking the red head, un!?" Deidara huffed, reddening slightly when he saw Sasori's lip twitching.
"She's pretty and she's got a nice figure!"
Hidan had a look that said 'Oh, I just can't get enough of this!' and snickered again.
"So Deidei-chan likes the red head…?" he mused "That's cute, seriously!"
Deidara grew even redder and immediately shot up to shower the religious zealot with insults and clarifications of his own.
"At least I like somebody, un! And she happens to be a girl and I think it ticks you off to finally realize that I'm not the gay fucktard you make me out to be!" Deidara added somewhat triumphantly, "I think you're just jealous coz' I happen to like a really cute girl and you're just a sorry ass loser who's in love with this freaky god that doesn't exist, un!"
Now it was Hidan's turn to jump up from the couch and argue with the bomber. Deidara was really pushing it, saying Jashin-sama didn't exist! Jashin-sama did too exist! Otherwise, how the hell was it that he was immortal, huh? His immortality was a gift given from Jashin for his servitude and that should have been proof enough. Why can't these losers realize that and convert already?
"Oh yeah? What's so great about the skanky redhead anyway? It's not like she gives you anything in return, shit head!" Hidan smirked, "At least Jashin-sama awarded me with immortality!"
Deidara narrowed his eyes into slits at this.
"The red head happens to be beautiful, sexy and vivacious, un!" Deidara bit back a retort, "Unlike your Jashin-sama, the sight of her gives me pleasure. The sight of your pathetic Jashin-sama might only make me puke, un!"
"Say that again you fuck-!"
"Hush, Hidan!" Sasori said in an emotionless voice, "Deidara has a point, you know…"
Hidan shot a filthy look at Sasori.
"Take his side, why don't you? Just coz you're a fuckin' red head doesn't mean-," but again he was cut off.
"I'm not siding Deidara just on account of the girl in question is a red head…," Sasori explained quietly, "It's just Deidara happens to have a point. The girl is quite a looker…"
Kisame offered Hidan a lopsided smile at this and simply shook his head.
"I agree with Deidara and Sasori on this but she's not really my type either…" Kakuzu said. He had taken an interest in the conversation (argument, really) and had decided to join in too.
"So what the fuck is your type, huh, Kakuzu?" Hidan asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Despite this, the silver haired immortal was curious to know what Kakuzu's preferences were.
Kakuzu tonelessly replied, "I don't have a certain type. I'll fuck anything just long as it has a pussy…"
Both Deidara and Hidan shuddered when they heard this.
"Ewww! That's sick, un!" Deidara cried, grimacing.
Kakuzu simply shrugged at their reactions. He knew what he looked like and he very well knew that the time for him to be choosy had long ago passed him. He was, after all, really old and creepy looking. Most females found him repulsive to look at. Kakuzu wasn't ever going to tell them that though.
"Desperate much…" Zetsu's white side muttered.
"So lemme get this straight," Hidan said slowly, "Deidei-chan here likes red heads and Kakuzu doesn't even bother…What the fuck do you like Sasori?"
Sasori grinned and watched Hidan under wild eyes. The puppeteer looked like a psycho maniac, thought Hidan. Like a maniac who was about to answer his favorite question.
"Me? Oh, I like some girls, I guess. I'm really picky with my females," Sasori said lazily.
"My girls are usually tall, slim with intelligent eyes. I like it if they have really long legs…Like really long legs, you know?"
A silver eyebrow rose up slowly and the violet eyes stared at Sasori as if it was finally seeing him for the first time.
"Damn, I didn't know you were such a man-whore, Sasori…" Hidan muttered in disbelief.
"You'd be surprised...," Sasori smiled wickedly, "It doesn't matter if they're a red head, a blond or a brunette…If they're not six feet tall and slim then I immediately diss them."
A few heads nodded at this statement in agreement. Apparently, men in the Akatsuki weren't all gay and seemed to have appreciated the beauty of long legs…
"Have you guys ever seen that one on Victoria's Secret fashion show?" Hidan asked eagerly, "Man, that bitch was so sexy I felt like fucking her then and there!"
Deidara too began to get excited because he had seen (and been to) a lot of Victoria's Secret fashion shows himslef.
"You mean Gisele Bundchen right, un?"
"Yep! That's the one! She was so gorgeous…All 5 ft 11 inches of her!"
"I prefer Adriana Lima…Not only is she beautiful but she happens to be a virgin as well," Sasori added without a trace of embarrassment, "I'm not into sluts…"
At the mention of the word 'virgin', Hidan's ears pricked up and he even looked slightly impressed.
"Really? Lima's a fuckin' virgin? That's way interesting…" he pondered out loud, "Maybe I'll go over and sacrifice her for Jashin-sama during some free time. She doesn't know what the fuck she's missing…"
"What about boobs, un?" Deidara asked suddenly.
The blond bomber enjoyed observing the female body. He did it as often as he could (which wasn't very often as he doesn't live in a place with a lot of women to ogle at). But yes, Deidara of Iwagakure loved looking at the female anatomy. He didn't think that the habit was wrong, just something that he couldn't help. Deidara may be "slightly" feminine looking but he was a man and like all (straight) men; the day he would stop staring at girls was the day when he was dead.
From the age of 14, when he first witnessed a lap dance, Deidara discovered that he loved women's breasts. He loved looking at them, loved touching them and he absolutely loved licking them too. Their topic of conversation made him curious enough to wonder if the rest of his comrades were into breasts as well.
"Hmm…" Hidan hummed, stroking his chin, "I guess they're alright. I hate it if they get, like, too fucking huge! I mean, they are boobs for crying out loud! They're not fucking watermelons, seriously!"
"Agreed," Sasori said, voice void of all emotion.
"It looks unnatural for women to have balloons in the front of their chests…"
"I, for one, am not at all interested in the kind of females you all seem to like," Kisame spoke as a matter-of-factly.
He listened to each of their preferences with interest but none of their type was his type. Kisame liked his females that resembled of err…well, you find out yourselves.
"If she's not blue and if she ain't got gills then she is not my type of girl!"
Hidan, Deidara and Sasori exchanged amused looks. There was a pause. Then all three of them burst out laughing hysterically.
"Next thing you'll want from a girl is that she'll have a fucking dorsal fin or it's piss-off-for-you-fucker!" Hidan chocked out in between fits of chuckles.
Deidara was rolling on the floor and clutching his stomach with one hand while he banged his fist on the floor with the other.
"Y-y-yeah!" Deidara struggled with his words, "Why don't you just get a girlfriend from SeaWorld or something, un? Go ask Shamu out for a date while you're at it, huh?"
Kisame, who was quite blue in color, was actually flushing furiously at the comments his comrades were throwing at him. He was blushing quite hard and the rise of bloody red rushing to his blue face made him look quite purple. This sent Hidan into an even bigger case of hysterics and the Jashinist was spouting out words like "Purple fish!" and "Blushing shark!" without any hint of sensitivity.
Sasori, who recovered from the fits of laughter quickly, slipped back into his cool, emotionless persona easily.
"What type of girls do you like, Itachi?" Sasori asked, politely if not seriously. The red headed puppeteer looked quite cool when he asked this though and Itachi regarded the man carefully.
The Uchiha debated on whether to answer the question or not and grudgingly decided that he really wanted to answer the question.
"I like females who are rail-thin," Itachi began, "She must not be a beauty as I'm not in the least excited when I see a very beautiful woman. I prefer my females plain looking, intelligent and bookish. Flat-chested with a very small behind… I hate curvaceous females."
"Are you fucking kidding me, red eye?" Hidan asked in disbelief.
The Uchiha was a pretty boy, dammit. He had every right to pick the most perfect of females but it seemed he wasn't into beautiful women.
"Not at all," Itachi replied, dead pan, "I hate beautiful women. Curvaceous ones are even worse because they tend to remind me of a common whore…In fact, I think I prefer men more then curvaceous women…"
Deidara's jaw dropped at this. Well, I stand corrected; it seemed Itachi was a bit of...um, err…bisexual…
"You know what? I don't think I prefer anything at all…!" Itachi said, his eyes shining a bit, "I think I'm asexual!"
Suddenly looking like he had found the true meaning of life; the Uchiha skipped off into the horizon, never to be seen again. It seemed he had found out what was truly bothering him the day he wiped out his whole clan…He was just frustrated and depressed about not knowing what his sexuality was. Remember that part about him being bi? Scratch that that. He's asexual.
"Wow…That was weird as hell…" muttered Hidan as he watched Itachi run off.
"Does that mean it's Tobi's turn to say what kind of girl Tobi likes?" Tobi piped up.
Deidara shook his head but said a soft "Yeah" anyway. The masked boy punched a fist in the air and squealed in pure delight.
"Well, Tobi likes it if they're fluffy…And cuddly and soft and all cutsie-like, y'know!? It would really help if they had, like, really round puppy dog eyes, floppy ears and a pink wagging tongue-!"
"Ugh! That's not a girl, you fuck-head!" Hidan cut in, "You're describing a puppy!"
"Oh…" Tobi said in wonderment. He could never have told the difference between girl and puppy. Unfortunately, this meant that the poor boy was asexual as well even though everybody knows he's really Uchiha Madara.
"I like really fat females…! I love how the tastes of the fat and the meat mix together in a wonderful fusion of flavors…The way it tastes on the roof of your mouth…" the dark Zetsu drawled while the white one said a different thing.
"I prefer it if they have thorns and red petals on them…They look ever so lovely with some pollen in the middle…"
Hidan rolled his eyes and made a face at the plant-man.
"You and Kisame should hook up or something…You're tastes in females are just fuckin' weird!"
"Ya got that right, un!" Deidara agreed, nodding.
"He's a Venus Flytrap. What else would you expect?" Kakuzu concluded sarcastically.
Casting a glance at Pein and Konan, Sasori raised one of his perfectly manicure eyebrows.
"Don't look at me," Pein said, "You already know what my kind of girl is…"
Everyone watched in a state of utter shock as Pein gave Konan a simpering look of adoration. It was a look old couples gave each other. A look of complete and utter devotion to the loved one of your life…And Konan soaked it up like a lovesick teenager…It sent a couple of the members to start retching on the cheaply bought carpet.
"Stop! The sight of your fucked-up lovey-dovey display is making my eyes bleed!" Hidan yelled.
Waving his hands in the air, the Jashin priest screwed his eyes shut.
"You're all just jealous coz' Konan is mine!" Pein said confidently, "You're all nothing but a bunch of sex-deprived, S-class criminals who can't get some of this!"
Ending his sentence, Pein made a grab at Konan's tiny firm bottom. The blue haired woman squealed in surprised pleasure and proceeded to bury her blue head in Pein's chest.
"What is wrong with you, Leader-sama?" Deidara cried out. Pein never acted like a lecher in front of them.
Pein flashed Deidara a look that resembled a wolf about to feast on a fat wooly sheep. That sheep just happened to be a blue haired one and in less then a few moments both were out of the living room and in some love hotel.
Hidan wrinkled his nose in obvious distaste.
"What the hell is going on in this world?" he said, "I swear to Jashin-sama, it's getting sicker in here every damn day!"
"It's only so because we don't get laid often enough," Sasori said wisely.
"Yeah, I've been a celibate for a whole week now…" Deidara complained, "Sasori no Danna doesn't help much either coz' he doesn't need sex as often as we do on account of him being a puppet, un."
Sasori grinned lazily at Deidara and winked.
"Oh, you think you've got it bad, huh?" Hidan asked dangerously, "Try being a celibate for an entire month just coz' your god damn partner has to go off and collect bounties all the time while you just tag along like a fucking moron! I don't have any time at all for sex!"
Kakuzu looked at Hidan indifferently.
"You need money for sex."
"Fuck you!" Hidan cursed, "I don't need money every fucking time I need to have sex! All I gotta do is just walk over to some bitch, flash her a smile and she'll jump into bed with me--no questions asked!"
"Whatever, pretty boy" Kakuzu muttered sarcastically. The Akatsuki's self-proclaimed treasurer was beginning to get bored with the topic and decided he would rather make money then lounging around, wasting time.
"We've all said what kind of girls we like, well, except Tobi and Itachi…" Deidara said thoughtfully, "But what about you, Hidan, un? We still don't know what type of girls you like!"
Hidan looked immensely pleased at Deidara's question. Offering a devilishly egoistical smirk at the blond, he prepared himself for the words that were about to leave his mouth.
"Ugly Betty," were the only two words that came out of those well sculpted lips of his.
Those two words got every single one who was currently in the living room to jaw-drop. Rooted on the spot, they stared at Hidan with a look that seemed to scream "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
"What?" Hidan asked indignantly.
"She has a great personality!"
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto at all. I also do not own Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives, Gisele Bundchen, Adriana Lima and Victoria's Secret's line of lingerie and neither do I own its models…If ever I have the divine right to say I own one of these things drop me a review and I'll let you know. :D
A/N: I hope to receive nice reviews. I don't want any flames. If I get it please make it worthy of something because if I'm not tempted to flame you back then what's the point? Constructive criticism: much welcomed. Praises and compliments: VERY much welcomed! :)
I know that some of you yaoi fangirls truly believe that every single guy in Naruto is gay but I don't believe in that. Sorry. Yes, I enjoy reading yaoi time and time again but actually believing that the characters in Naruto are gay is just being delusional…Naruto's a shounen manga. It is NOT shounen-ai, there's a difference. Unless Kishimoto himself makes it obvious that Naruto is a yaoi manga…Well, but that's highly unlikely…
Sorry for the rant. :P