"Look at the way she dresses," a girl whispered to her friends as I walked by. I tried to ignore them, pulling my overly large jacket closer to my small body. It was nothing new, these comments, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't effect me. Their looks were cold, judging, and misunderstanding. That's what I was, misunderstood. Not a freak, a goth, a punk, a devil worshipper, or an emo; just misunderstood. Nobody bothered to ask my why I was the way I was, or why I steered clear of most people, so they just stuff up.
Again I heard the whispers and it took all my will power not to scream at them that I wasn't a piece of meat on display at a museum that they could all gawk at. But I didn't because I didn't have the courage. That, and I knew that if I did, it would just give them more to gossip about.
"Idiots," I thought, glaring at a girl who was about to say something to her friend, but stopped once she say my icy stare.
"Just make it to homeroom," I kept telling myself, trying to keep a hold on my emotions which were teetering dangerously on the line of breaking lose. Luckily, I managed to make it to my homeroom just before the tardy bell rang. As I sat down in my regular seat, the one in the corner that's next to a window and away from everyone else, I realized that I had left my book in my locker.
"Can I go to my locker? I forgot my book," I told the teacher as I stood in front of her desk.
"Since you usually have it and you're a good student, I'll let you this one time. Next time remember your book Rachel," she said before writing me a hall pass. As soon as the paper was in my small hands, I left the classroom and began my trip down the halls and towards my locker. Never before had the halls seemed to quiet, but I guessed that was just because most of the students were in their homerooms and there's nothing much to do except read or study. Though I kept telling myself that, it didn't stop a chill from running up my spine. As quickly as I could, I opened my locker and grabbed my book so that I could return to the classroom.
"What's with the hurry Rae?" a male voice asked from behind me, causing me to jump.
"I'm just trying to get back to class, and the name's Rachel," I said quietly, barely above a whisper.
"Wouldn't you rather stay and talk with me?" he asked and I finally looked up from under my bangs to see who it was that was talking to me. As soon as I did, a gasp of surprise broke the awkward silence. Standing before, well actually leaning on the lockers, was Garfield.
"Obviously this is a joke and I don't have time for it," I said rudely, turning away from him. There was no way that Garfield would be talking to me unless it was a joke because I was a nobody and everybody loved him. He was popular with lots of friends, a ladies man, and all around great kid. I was just that weird girl that kept to herself and dressed differently than all the rest.
"Why would you think that? Who's to say that I haven't had my eye on you since the very beginning of the school year?" he asked, and I turned around just so he could see me roll my eyes.
"I just transferred to this school two months ago," I stated dully. Right away, I could tell that he wasn't planning on me saying that as his hand came up to nervously rub the back of his neck.
"Listen, me a couple of my friends-"
"I knew somebody put you up to it," I said bitterly before quickly turning and beginning to walk towards my homeroom.
"Nobody put me up to it Rae, it's just that my friends agree with me," he tried to tell me, but I wasn't buying it.
"The name is Rachel, honestly it isn't that hard to remember, and I don't care about you or your friends," I said, continuing to ignore him as I walked along the halls.
"I'm sorry Rae… I mean Rachel, but we were just wondering if you wanted to come and hang out with us at lunch. You're always eating by yourself and we were wondering if you wanted to eat with us for a change," Garfield said and I stopped dead in my tracks. I guess that he was right behind me since once I stopped, I felt him bump into my back with his broad chest.
"That's not going to work on me you know. The cheerleaders tried the same thing, but I could see right through them, but I had higher hopes for you Garfield. Honestly, if I knew you were already lying to me, then you should have just given up from the start, but it seems that you really like seeing just how far you can push me," I said venomously, glaring down at my feet while clenching and unclenching my hand since the other one was still holding the book.
"I wasn't trying to see how far I could push you Rachel, I just wanted to know if you wanted to eat lunch with me and a couple of friends," he said, now standing in front of me so that I couldn't run off again.
"God why don't you just give up and leave me alone!" I practically yelled, now glaring at him instead of the floor.
"You seemed lonely and I just wanted to try and be a good person by asking to be your friend," Garfield said, but I still didn't buy it.
"When the cheerleaders tried this, I said sure because I wanted some friends and they seemed nice enough. The minute I tried to sit by them, they all started laughing at me. Turns out that, surprise, it was all just a big joke so that they could see me cry. Well they didn't get to see me cry, but I did punch the girl that asked me to sit with them in the nose. Got suspended for a week after that and it wasn't that much fun. So to make sure that that doesn't happen again, I'm just going to ignore you and keep walking. Besides, my teacher is probably wondering what's taking so long," I said, walking around him.
"So you're the one that punched her in the nose! Nice hit!" Garfield said, smiling at me. I had to admit that he had a handsome smile, with nice white straight teeth. Everything about him was pretty much handsome, which probably played an important role into why he was so popular. His eyes were bright green and full of joy which was probably because he was always laughing and joking around with his friends. Atop his head, was sandy-blonde hair which almost gave him the look of a surfer.
"Yeah it was me, and I'm sure you wouldn't want a black eye to ruin that pretty little face of yours," I snarled, narrowing my eyes.
"So you think I'm pretty. Normally when someone says pretty, I think of a girl, but I'll take it as a complement. People say that I look like my mother," he said and I couldn't help but role my eyes; again.
"Whatever, find someone else to eat lunch with because I'm not going to fall for it," I said before beginning to walk towards class.
"All I'm asking for is one lunch with me and my friends. I promise that nothing like what the cheerleaders did will happen," Garfield said, standing once again in front of him.
"How do I know you won't do the same thing they did?" I asked, crossing my arms across my chest.
"I'll come to your 5th period class and we can walk to lunch together," he said and my eyes widened slightly from shock.
"You're serious about all this?" I asked.
"Of course I am. So just tell me your 5th period and I'll come get you at the beginning of lunch."
"Uh, Mrs. Charels in room 35," I said quietly before he smiled. Garfield really did have a beautiful smile.
"Great, I'll see you at lunch then, and don't leave without me," he said before walking away in the opposite direction. I stood frozen for a moment before the bell rang and students started to fill into the halls. Horror struck me as I cursed under my breath while running back to the homeroom. By the time I had gotten there, another class was already seated and writing down their homework.
"So nice of you to return to class Rachel," the teacher said, obviously displeased with me.
"Sorry, I made a run to the restroom," I said, though she didn't look as though she believed my excuse. If I were her, I wouldn't either because nobody takes that long to go to the bathroom.
"Well since you missed class, I think it's only fair to make it up during your 20 minute detention after school today," she said and I inwardly groaned.
"Does it have to be today?" I asked her, hoping that I could get my self out of having to do it today since it really wasn't a good day for detention.
"Yes, it does have to be today and I expect you to be here a minute after the bell rings. If not, you'll owe me two days of detention. Is that clear Rachel?" the teacher asked and I could hear snickering coming from some of the students.
"Yeah, crystal," I muttered before grabbing my things.
"Could you write me a pass for my next class?" I asked the teacher, standing in front of her desk.
"I see no reason to," she said smugly. I glared at her before walking out of the room and heading towards social studies. Since I arrived late, I was granted yet another detention, but luckily it was moved to next week since I already had one for today and the teacher was busy all the other afternoons.
"I'm going to kill Garfield when I see him at lunch," I thought while doing my work. With any luck, I'd be able to finish my work before class was over and not have to worry about so much work. Even though it was nearing the end of the school year with only a little over two months left, that didn't stop the teachers from loading on the homework. I would need all the time I could get if I wanted to finish my homework and turn it in on time.
Soon second period was over, though it was really like first period since I don't count homeroom as a period. Following social studies, I had science. During that period I just wrote in my notebook while the teacher droned on about plants or something like that. Science had never really been my favorite subject, but luckily my next class was, language arts, or as I call it: writing. Language arts was by far my favorite subject because pretty much the whole period, all I had to do was write. The teacher, Ms. Wyne, was new and didn't really know much of English (lord knows why they chose her for writing teacher) so she simply made us do some work sheets or work on a story. At the very beginning of the year, she had started us off with brainstorming for almost the first whole month of school. Then she told us that over the year we would just be writing a bunch of long stories and I was completely fine with that. Sadly though, I only had an hour in that class before I had to move on to French.
It wasn't like I didn't like my french class, it was just simply that I preferred to write all day. French went by quickly and before I knew it, it was time for lunch. My first plan was to just leave and head straight for lunch, but then I decided to wait for Garfield to see if he would really show up. I waited for almost five minutes before deciding to just leave.
"I knew that he was lying. What nerve he has to say all those things to be, and then just lie about everything. Well I should have seen this coming, so I can really only blame myself for not seeing this coming," I thought bitterly, holding my book closer to my chest.
"I thought I told you to wait for me. It's a long walk from the locker rooms to over here," Garfield said from behind me and I couldn't help but stop.
"Well I wasn't going to wait here all of lunch. And by the way, you got me two detentions," I told him while continuing to walk. Now Garfield was walking next to me with a cheerful smile on his face.
"Sorry about that, but if it makes you feel any better, I have detention too. I guess the teacher didn't find it amusing that I had taken almost twenty minutes to go to the bathroom," he said, and a small smile graced my face. Though I quickly remembered who I was with, and the smile vanished.
"No," I thought, "I won't get attached if he's only going to forget about me tomorrow."
"So I was thinking that if you enjoy eating with us today, that you might want to eat with us again tomorrow," Garfield suddenly said, totally slapping me in the face with my own thoughts. I stared at him dumb-struck before finally recovering and narrowing my eyes.
"You must have some motive behind this. I can tell now that you aren't doing what the cheerleaders were doing, but there has to be some reason behind this. Nobody talks to me or even things to give me a friendly smile in the halls. All that I receive from people are whispers and pointing fingers that don't know anything," I told him, knowing that all of it was true. That was all that I ever got from anybody, points and whispers.
"No motive Rae, just wanted to make a new friend," Garfield said, obviously already having forgot not to call me Rae.
"Oh, so that's it. You want a new friend so that you can go up on the popularity chart. Knew there was some reason for you to want to be friends with me," I spat venomously.
"What else would he want? There's no reason for anybody to want to be friends with me and people have made that clear by steering clear of me," I thought, and the sorrow hit me. It hit me in such a powerful blow that I completely closed off all of the sounds around me and just thought back to the way everybody that I had ever met or even seen had treated me.
"Do you enjoy twisting my words to make them into something awful, because you're doing it a lot. Why can't you just accept that I maybe do want to be friends with you because I'm tired of the plastic Barbies that follow me everywhere because I'm popular?" Garfield said and now I finally stopped.
"I've learned from experience that nothing is ever as it truly appears to be and that's why I don't trust you. As for your barbies, there's nothing I can do to help you, I'm sorry," I muttered the last part before turning away. I didn't care if I would be taking the long way to lunch to the point where I might just miss lunch all together, but I couldn't be going the same way he was.
"Maybe he was my chance to have a real," I began to think, but I quickly expelled those thoughts from my mind.
"If you go that way to get to the lunch tables, you won't even have time to sit down and meet my friends," a voice said and I jumped before quickly spinning around to find Garfield smirking at me. He was obviously pleased with himself since he had made me jump which earned him a glare from me.
"I never agreed to have lunch with you. I gave you my 5th period room number and that's about it. So if you don't mind, I'd like to be left alone," I told him, continuing to walk down the halls. It was a good thing the teachers didn't care much if we were wandering the halls during lunch, if not, I would have gotten into even more trouble than I already way.
"Come on Rae, please just for today. By the time we get there, there will really only be like ten minutes of lunch left. Think you can make it ten minutes with my friends, or will they drive you insane?" Garfield asked.
"That's only if you don't drive me insane first," I wanted to tell him, but instead just sighed.
"Fine, you win. I'll go eat with you at lunch," I told him and couldn't help but laugh at his boyish smile.
"Great! Now hurry up or we'll miss all of lunch," Garfield said before actually grabbing hold of my free hand and beginning to pull me towards the lunch area. By the time we had reached where the rest of his friends were, my cheeks were tainted pink and Garfield was still holding my hand.
"Uh, my hand?" I asked quietly when we neared the group of people that were waving him down. Garfield looked down at our joined hands before quickly letting go of mine while muttering a sorry. His cheeks to turned pink with a light blush, but unlike mine, his blush was gone by the time we were seated.
"Who's the new friend Gar?" a girl with dark red hair asked. Her eyes were a bright emerald color and she had nicely tanned skin.
"Everybody, this is Rachel," Garfield introduced me to his group of friends as I felt my cheeks heat up again. I waved at them weakly before the group went along and introduced themselves. By the time lunch was over, I had learned the name of everybody in Garfield's group of friends. There was Kory who was the sweetheart of the group and could never do any wrong. Next to her had been Victor, or as they called him Vic, and we was pretty much the carnivore of the group; always talking and eating meat. Richard I guess you could say was the bad boy amongst their friends. It wasn't that he was a bad guy or did bad things; just that he was daring and didn't always follow the rules. Barbara was the loud mouth that loved to gossip and hear her own voice and in my opinion, was just plan annoying. There were others that were sitting at the table too, but they didn't seem as important or close as the other ones were. Before I knew it, the bell signaling lunch was over rang and everybody began to stand and gather their things.
"Want me to walk you to class?" Garfield offered.
"I don't want you to be late to your next class," I said over the noise of the students going to their classes.
"It doesn't matter, just means that we can spend our detentions together," he said with a smile which I returned.
"In that case, I don't mind you walking me to class," I said before we fell into a bit of an awkward silence. Sure there were other students walking all around us, but that didn't help the silence. By the time we had finally reached my classroom, I had never been happier to get to math.
"Thanks for walking me to class Garfield," I told him when we finally reached my math class.
"Call me Gar. I'll see you at detention Rae," he said before turning to leave.
"It's-," but I stopped and just shook my head. Math flew by rather quickly with only some notes to take and a page from the text book. Before I knew it, it was time for PE which I wasn't exactly looking forward to since we had to run a mile in the warm weather. By no means was it hot enough for us to not have to run, but that didn't mean it was nice running weather. When I was finished with my nine minute mile, not one of my best times, I was coated with sweat so I quickly hit the showers. I don't think I'll ever get used to taking shower with a bunch of other naked girls taking showers around me, but there was no way I wasn't going to take a shower. So I just got in, got out and then ran, again, to my homeroom.
"You're late Rachel," the teacher, Mrs. Burdgs said and I looked at the clock on my phone to find that I was late by one minute.
"Sorry, I came from PE and I wanted to take a quick shower," I said, taking my seat in the back of the classroom. Before I could even take out my book to start reading, Mrs. Burdgs was standing in front of me with some work that I could work while serving my detention. Reluctantly, I took the work from her and began to work on it.
"Mrs. Burdgs, sorry for the interruption, but I was hoping you could watch one of my students for the remainder of his detention. I would stay, but my wife has gone into labor and I have to get to the hospital right away," a teacher said, standing in the doorway of the classroom. I didn't have this certain teacher, but I knew his name to be Mr. Lang and he was rumored to be really nice.
"Of course I don't get a nice teacher, but instead all of the ones that hate me," I thought, looking back down at my work.
"I don't mind at all Mr. Lang, congratulations by the way," Mrs. Burdgs said, smiling at him.
"Thanks, this means a lot!" he said happily before practically running down the halls.
"Tell me your name so that you don't have to accidentally redo your detention," Mrs. Burdgs was obviously talking to the knew kid she was supposed to be watching.
"Garfield Logan," he said and my head shot up to look into Gar's bright green eyes. His eyes locked with mine before he smiled and made is way to sit next to me.
"You must sit at the other side of the room Garfield," Mrs. Burdgs said before he could sit. Gar stood up slowly and made his way to the opposite side of the room before sitting. Our detention was quiet since he just sat there, I did the work I was given, and Mrs. Burdgs stared at us.
"Alright, your detentions are over, you may go," Mrs. Burdgs finally announced after what seemed like forever.
"I feel bad for you," Gar said once we got out of the halls.
"Yeah, she's not the nicest of teachers which is why I'm glad I only have her for homeroom," I sighed, opening my book so that I could start reading.
"I'm not sure where you're going Rae, but the parking lot is this way," Gar interrupted my reading.
"It's Rachel and I know exactly where I'm going since I walk home," I said.
"Do you want me to give you a ride home, it looks like it might start to rain," he offered and I thought about it for a moment.
"I don't want to be a hassle and you probably live in the opposite direction from me," I said nervously, trying to get an excuse out so that he wouldn't have to see where I lived. My mom was the only one that really took care of me since my dad walked out on us when I was only three. She does a really great job, but lets be honest, people don't look at women with the same respect they look at men; so she doesn't get paid all that much. I lived in an apartment near the park that wasn't ever really busy. It was a nice place, but I knew that Gar had some money so I was afraid of what he would think of my lower status.
"It's safer than walking home you know, and then you could keep reading without having to worry about running into poles," he said and I smiled a little.
"Maybe he'll be the first not to judge," I thought before finally nodding and following him instead of heading towards the front entrance.
"Glad you saw it my way Rae, now where to?" Gar asked as we neared his jeep.
"The uh, park," I said. At least by telling him this, he wouldn't have to know exactly where I lived, but just a general location. When I went to open the door, I found that it had already been opened by Gar who was holding open the door for me.
"Thank you," I mumbled before sitting down in my seat. He closed the door behind me, careful not to get my foot or anything, before walking around to the other side and getting in himself.
"So you live at the park?" Gar asked, obviously trying to start some conversation since we had already had our fair share of awkward silences.
"No, I live in some apartments next to the park, but I like to go to the park since it's quiet and I can think," I said, staring out the window.
"If I ever go to the park, it's to play football," he said which explained his well toned muscles.
"Ah! I'm gawking!" I thought once I noticed that my eyes were staring at his built body. Almost too quickly, I turned my attention back towards the window.
"You can stop here," I told Gar as he drove past the park. The jeep came to a stop and I opened my door.
"Thanks for the ride," I said, grabbing my things.
"No problem, lunch tomorrow?" he asked and I nodded before closing the door. Gar smiled before driving off. I watched the jeep until it had turned the corner before heading towards my apartment building.
My mom would still be at work now, and she would probably stay there until nine tonight. I was always alone in the house, but I was to the silence. Today though, it felt too quiet since I had grown used to Garfield's voice just after one day.
"Maybe I could get a job. That way I'd have something to do and be able to help mom pay for things," I thought while getting a glass of water. For almost two hours I leaned against the counter pondering if I should get a job or not. The conclusion I finally came to was that yes, it would be good to get a job, but I didn't have a car to get me to that job.
"I could always ask Gar to give me rides to work after school," I mumbled to myself before quickly banishing those thoughts and any thoughts that were related to it. There was no way I could ask him to do that for me because t here was also the matter of getting home. With no car, my hopes of getting a job were useless, but even if I got a car, it would just take up money instead of me getting more.
"At least now with my mind made up, I don't have to worry about my thinking distracting me because I know it's impossible to get one," I thought before pulling my homework out of my bag. When I went into my room and sat down on my bed, I opened my window to find that it was raining.
"Thanks for the ride Gar," I thought with a smile before starting my work.
The next morning I woke up, got dressed, and then walked to school. Surprising, when I got to school, Kory was the first to say hi to me and even walked halfway to homeroom with me before she turned the other direction to get to her own class. When homeroom was over, I headed to social studies to find that I had Victor in that period. We talked through the movie we were watching and he had been kind enough to walk me to science. Sadly, I didn't see anybody else during 3rd or 4th period, though in 5th period, I was surprised to see Barbara.
"Barbara?" I asked. In all honesty, I felt kind of dumb to have not noticed her before since she talks so much.
"Oh hey Rachel! I didn't know you were in this class since you're so quiet," she sad while smacking away at her gum. It was annoying to hear her chewing her gum and keep running her mouth a mile-a-minute.
"Yeah, I tend to keep to myself," I said quietly.
"I know, that's why I was so surprised Garfield managed to get you to have lunch with us. I thought for sure he was going to lose-," Barbara stopped talking when she realized that she was talking to me and not just another friend.
"Lose what?" I asked her, feeling a cold shiver run up my spine.
"Rachel, I just want you to know that it had nothing to do with us and that you really shouldn't blame Garfield," she started but I just ignored her.
"Barbara, tell me what you thought he was going to lose," I ordered, no longer caring if I scared her or not.
"A jock bet Garfield that he couldn't get you to be friends with us because he thought you were a freak," Barbara spit out quickly before actually shutting up. Now it was silent and all I heard was my own heart beating.
"I'm so sorry you had to find out about this Rachel. After we had lunch with you yesterday, we realized that you were an okay person and we actually really wanted to be your friend," she said, but I still wasn't listening to her. Without gathering any real thoughts, I turned away from her and began to run out of the classroom, but I didn't stop there. Once I had made it out of the classroom, I began to run down the halls until eventually I was running down the streets towards my apartment.
"I knew I couldn't trust him!" I yelled at myself while tears flowed from my eyes.
"I told myself that he was just lying and I knew this would happen," I said, this time quieter.
"Why am I even crying, they weren't important to me," I thought bitterly, but the tears kept coming.
"Thought you were a freak." Barbara's words cut through me like a knife, and then an idea came to mind.
"My life is horrible, nobody likes me, my own father didn't want me, my mother isn't around enough to care about me, and I see no reason to keep living," I thought, and then, I was in the kitchen. Slowly, I grabbed one of the sharper knives that I used for cutting meat, and then went into the bathroom. Along the way, I dropped all of my things and pulled off my jacket, the knife still in my hand.
"This is the end," I thought, but it didn't bring fear. I welcomed the thought of death and eternal peace. Sitting down on the edge of the tub, I slid the knife between my fingers and felt the cold metal against my skin. It brought a chill, but that didn't make me back down.
"Should I write some kind of letter?" I pondered, but decided against it since it would seem too Hollywood. Then, without another thought, I slid the knife across my wrist. There was pain, but it felt good because I knew that once I had bled myself to death, I'd be at peace. The blood flowed freely and rather quickly from my wrist, dripping down onto the white rug below the tub.
"With me gone she'll be able to replace the rug," I thought while making another long cut across my wrist. After the second cut, my vision became hazy and I was seeing dark dots everywhere.
"This is it, this is my peace," I said aloud to myself, just to make sure that I heard my own voice again. Before I was consumed by the darkness, the bathroom door was kicked open and I saw the blurred face of Gar.
"Oh God Rachel," he gasped before I fell backwards into the tub as everything finally went black.
"This is my own doing, this is my peace, and I'm not sorry for my decision."
So that's my angst story. Before anybody starts to ask, no I don't feel like killing myself and I never have.
I also know that this is a bit of a weird story to post on as a birthday present to myself, but I really liked the story and it turned out good, so I wanted to post it. If anybody cares, I turned 13 earlier this morning so now I'm actually legal to be on fanfiction! (yeah!)