FAIR WARNING: This story is not meant to be a work of literature, or anything remotely resembling a life-altering masterpiece. It's a humor fic. Enough said. However, if you're one of the people now thinking, "No, that is NOT enough said. Why on earth are you trying to talk people out of reading your own story?" I shall try to explain, and you can read on. My brother and I wrote this several years ago for the sole purpose of amusing ourselves, and considering that the little stream-of-consciousness prelude paragraph down there is the only planning that went into it ahead of time, it isn't half bad. Yes, I know that's my rather biased opinion, but hear this: if I thought it was a complete waste of time, I would not be posting it and subjecting you fine people to it— I promise. I am not that cruel. Not deliberately, anyway.
DISCLAIMER: The characters in this story are original, but their names belong to whoever thinks up the names of fonts, and their universe belongs to George Lucas. And now I presume you've had enough of reading disclaimers and warnings, so enjoy.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
Episode 0.I : An Awesome Title
Umm... something overly melodramatic was
probably going on, presumably with some
lightsabers involved (in peoples' hands of
course) and these people were most likely
Jedi Knight heroes, or at least one of them
was, cuz another one has to be an evil
Sith Lord with a name like Darth Killobad,
and the Jedi are most likely rather cocky
and smart-mouthed as well as unreasonably
lucky in everything they do, and, well, this is
their story. . . .
Jargon did a few more flips than necessary as he leapt from the Jedi starfighter, igniting his lightsabers for effect. The white one, which was most deadly because it acted as a strobe light that blinded any living opponent, was still not as unusual as the blood-green one. At least, that was how he described its color. Few people ever got the chance to come up with a better name, since they didn't live long enough.
Kuriako was doing the same stunt out of the opposite side of the ship, but without the acrobatics. He ignited his own lightsaber only because he heard Jargon doing so, and incorrectly assumed there was actually a threat. His weapon was an almost-ordinary double-bladed green.
The two Jedi Knights landed simultaneously on the durasteel floor, but Jargon was in mid-flip and it was his head he landed on. He recovered with impressive speed.
"Ha, ha ha," he said vaguely, causing Kuriako to wonder if there was some brain damage done. Oh well, most likely not, knowing Jargon.
"So, where is this... 'evil Sith lord'?" Kuriako asked. His partner had refused to share any of the details with him.
"Right behind you, perhaps? Jedi fools," sneered a familiar voice.
Both Knights whirled around, and came face to face with Darth Killobad.
"Right, I knew that," Jargon lied. "How have you been? Have you built a better lightsaber yet?"
"Idiot! Mine is perfectly sufficient for killing you two!"
"Funny you should think so. It wasn't last time," Kuriako reminded him.
"Or the time before," Jargon pointed out. "Or... the twelve times before that."
Darth Killobad gave them his famous death glare, and shot back, "You fool!"
"What kind of comeback is that?" Jargon demanded. "Really, you get less creative every time."
While Darth Killobad seethed, Kuriako shook his head in disappointment.
"Typical villain," he tutted. "You didn't even counter what he was saying; you just exclaimed 'you fool'. Seriously, didn't that sound dumb even when I said it? I promise it sounded even less clever when you did. So think a little more carefully this time: what are you going to reply now?"
Darth Killobad all but screamed at them, snatching off his belt not a lightsaber but a small device with a large button on it.
He pressed the button, and some sort of four-armed droid dropped from the ceiling not two feet from the Jedi. It was a credit to their overconfidence that they didn't flinch; not even when it whipped out and simultaneously activated four lightsabers that all happened to be double bladed.
Kuriako blinked, which was not the reaction one would expect when facing eight blades that each could easily end one's life, but Darth Killobad by now knew them well enough to realize they were quite shocked if they reacted that strongly. It was almost a sign of mild unease.
"This is Blindar," the Sith Lord announced triumphantly. "If you can defeat him, I'll allow you to progress to Level 2."
"Level 2? Do you mean yourself?"
"No! Just... if you survive, you'll see. It's a… surprise."
"Oh, good. I look forward to it."
If you actually knew what Level 2 was, you wouldn't, Darth Killobad thought smugly to himself. Why would I give you opportunity to fight me again when it's completely unnecessary? You're so arrogant it hinders your fighting! A protocol droid should be able to defeat you!
He ignored the fact that he himself had failed fourteen times to do so.
He turned his attention to the duel when he heard the sizzling clash of lightsabers. He watched as long as he could, which was about five seconds, before Jargon's white lightsaber began to permanently damage his retinas. In frustration, he turned around and listened from a safe distance, using the Force to get some kind of picture of what was going on behind him.
Kuriako's current strategy was to keep as many of the lightsabers coming at himself as possible, since he knew Jargon didn't believe in blocking and dodging; just attack, attack, attack. It was working pretty well; he could just barely tell that there were three colors that kept whooshing past his face and connecting with his green blade. Only the red lightsaber was being used to attack Jargon.
Jargon was so preoccupied with trying to chop Blindar in half by hacking through the red blade first that he failed to notice the droid's back was completely unguarded.
With a smirk, Kuriako did a somersault under two of the whirring blades and deftly chopped Blindar in half from behind.
"Uk-gak-gak-gakk..." Blindar croaked before falling onto his mechanical face with a clang.
Darth Killobad whirled around, just as surprised as enraged that they had defeated his droid.
"Now, how many more times do we have to do that before you stop underestimating us?" Kuriako asked the Sith Lord.
"And what's Level 2?" Jargon wanted to know.
This time, it was Darth Killobad's turn to give an arrogant grin.
"Funny you should ask."
He pressed another button.
"Here they come now."
Every one of the doors that formed most of the room's walls shot open simultaneously, and thirteen legions of flying super battle droids armed with the latest of blaster technology suddenly swarmed into the hangar.
It was too bad they didn't all fit in the vast room, so seven of the legions were stuck in the halls that spread out from the hangar like wheel spokes.
Darth Killobad didn't really care about that. He was reveling in the fact that both Jedi wore expressions of considerable uncertainty, which he had begun to doubt was something he would ever have the pleasure of witnessing.
"Open fire at will," he commanded the droids, who abruptly began firing in the general direction of the Jedi. Unfortunately, only thirty or so could actually see them, and the rest began blasting through their fellow droids. The droids who weren't being blown to bits by their comrades were destroyed by deflected blaster bolts off the Jedi's lightsabers.
Darth Killobad couldn't see them from where he was standing, but he could hear it every time a battle droid exploded, and he began to doubt whether this plan would work after all...
Humiliating as it was, maybe he should take advantage of the chaos and run for his life before the Jedi passed Level 2.
He decided this was a good idea and did so, only to find that he had effectively cut off all his own escape routes with the other seven legions of impatient wanna-be Jedi killers.
"Blast!" he snarled, and the droids took this as an order. He barely managed to get his lightsaber up in time to block the blaster fire. His lightsaber immediately became a pinwheel of red, and he realized that his droids were actually rather impressive—when they had their target in visual range. Maybe it would be fun to see how long they could last against him and his three-bladed lightsaber. The blades were angled 120 degrees apart, so they formed... well, a weapon that was very hard to wield without losing some arms.
But there was no real purpose to be served in such an experiment.
"Stop, stop, stop it!" he yelled at his droids instead, and every single one of them in the room obeyed at once. "No, no, shoot the Jedi, but let me through this hallway!"
There, that actually worked. They formed an aisle in front of him and he sprinted down the hall. It took him only minutes to reach his fancy escape ship, and he was long gone before the Jedi finally destroyed all the super battle droids and realized their Sith nemesis wasn't there anymore.
"Well, that was quite a waste of time," Kuriako commented to his companion three hours later, surveying the sparking wreckage that was piled up to the ceiling.
"Not true; it was quite fun," Jargon argued. "I've never gotten such a long and monotonous workout before."
Kuriako just gave him a strange look and shrugged. He was used to the fact that Jargon never made any sense. Okay, almost.
"Well, it would seem that our adversary has fled like a cow herd," Jargon went on with an exaggerated sigh. "Now we—"
"I think you mean 'coward'," Kuriako corrected him.
"Yes, yes, whatever. He has fled, as usual, and now we must pursue him and try to shoot him down before he gets too far away."
"You do realize he probably left hours ago."
Jargon glared at him.
"Do you think I'm stupid? Of course he did! I meant that it's time to use my lucky guessing skills to pick a hyperspace coordinate at random and catch up to him."
"Oh, that's right. I forgot we always did that," Kuriako reminisced with a wistful smile.
"That's pretty obvious. Now let's go! Chop chop!"
And "chop chop" actually wouldn't have been a bad idea, had Jargon meant it literally. However, since he hadn't, the two Jedi Knights here used a verb that can most accurately be described as "swimming" as they made their way through the mass of droid parts. It was quite a long while before they reached their ship again. Jargon sat down in the pilot's seat and paused before keying the coordinates into the dashboard computer.
"Hmm… If I was an idiot, where would I go?" he asked philosophically.
Kuriako refrained from pointing out that he shouldn't need to pretend.
"How about the nonexistent remains of Alderaan?" Jargon suggested to himself. "It's so boring no one ever thinks to look there. No… an idiot wouldn't think that far ahead."
Again, Kuriako didn't point out that at least one idiot just did. He had learned to trust Jargon's warped logic, simply because for some inconceivable reason, it never failed.
"So... somewhere a little less boring, and a little more evil... but not as obvious as Korriban..."
He punched in some coordinates, and the ship made the jump to light speed straight from the hangar, losing its landing gear due to the intense friction.
When they reentered real space, Kuriako was surprised to see they had arrived in the Dagobah system.
"What!? This place is the very definition of 'the middle of nowhere'! Why would you even—?"
He stopped short when he saw Darth Killobad's star destroyer up ahead, which was now jumping to hyperspace in an effort to flee.
"Right," Jargon said, thinking out loud again. "Now he's most likely picking his destination at random, so that's what I have to do too."
He blindfolded himself, despite the fact that he could have simply closed his eyes, and dramatically pressed some totally random buttons.
The first result was that half of their ship self-destructed, and the second result was that they once again shot into hyperspace, this time arriving near Mustafar.
Darth Killobad's ship fired at them a few times, but Jargon, still blindfolded, managed to outmaneuver him easily. Kuriako just held onto his armrests for dear life as his partner almost flew the small ship into an asteroid, utterly oblivious.
"He's jumping to hyperspace again!" he warned Jargon.
"Perfect. I already put the new coordinates in."
"What!? You know, you're going to be wrong one of these days, and you're going to land us inside a star or something!"
"Why would I want to do that?" Jargon asked, bewildered. He engaged the hyperdrive again, Kuriako bracing himself with a grimace, and this time they ended up in one of Yavin's moons' gravitational field, just short of actually crashing to their deaths on the surface.
Jargon fired the thrusters and managed to pull them out of the death-dive, and by the time they were safely in orbit, Darth Killobad's ship had appeared again.
Inside a star.
His star destroyer was ironically, considering the name, incinerated almost instantly.
Kuriako just stared at Jargon, who was now singing an impromptu song about how stupid Sith Lords were, la da dee da.
He decided he didn't even want to know the chances of that happening. It had been what, ten whole seconds since he brought up the subject of landing yourself inside a star?
This was something beyond luck, or even the Force, and it was starting to creep him out.