The Tale of Ash's Birth (and the Phobia of Airplanes)
Not as humorous as I had wanted, but it's still a bit funny (and has fluff). It is told in Delia's POV.
I've been told by Ash again and again that every time he tells all of his friends the story of his birth, he's joyful. Heh. I moan inside every time he says that. It's pretty annoying. It's all a lie. A sham. So when I hear my son saying anything about his birth, I die a little out of embarrassment. (Which is why I've never mentioned his father in front of him until a few weeks ago. Oh, God. That was hell.)
So one day when Ash, Gary, Misty, and Tracey came inside the house for sandwiches and lemonade, Ash beamed at me. " Mom, my birth was an excellent process ! Thank you ! "
I sighed and chugged at my cup of coffee, about to drop the bombshell. " Nope, not really. It was hell on me. "
Gary started snickering. Ash glared at him as he swallowed his sandwich in one bite. " She doesn't mean it, Oak. Right, Mom ? "
I shook my head. " Nope. Whole thing was made up. One giant Disney fantasy. But now that you're old enough, I can finally say that your birth involving wild Eevee was a lie. "
Ash slapped his forehead, blushing in embarrassment. " Okay. "
He stepped outside with his friends. Obviously he did not believe me. But...it was a lie.
June 17th of fourteen years ago. It all started when Giovanni and I had driven for three days to go to on a vacation in Goldenrod City. A real nice place. He was already the leader of Team Rocket ; he had been for a year and a half already. Still, he didn't really have an evil bone in his body. He got spooked by a spider.
Anyway, I was nineteen. He was twenty - four. We were a happy couple, despite the fact that his mother bitched him out every week about " marrying that airhead whore" . I was eight months pregnant. Everything was good...until he accidentally crashed the car into Ilex Forest. (Good grief, that was embarrassing.)
So the car was unrepairable. The ferry to Kanto had already left two hours ago. Which left one way for us to get back to Pallet Town.
Thing was, Giovanni had (and still has) a phobic fear of flying ; that's why he always stuck with ground - type pokemon. An airplane would be like a man - eating Charizard to him. That morning I came up with an idea to get him on the plane. Buy nonrefundable tickets. After all, his slogan was " Never waste a dollar. " Hell, he wouldn't even waste a penny. So much for claw machines at the arcade.
Well, we were in a hotel, on the bed, making out. Big macho man taken down by sensitivity. His one ultimate weakness. He pulled me closer on his lap. We kissed and moaned for about ten minutes before finally I decided to drop the bombshell.
I gave my fakest smile. " Uh, sweetie ? "
He turned to me, wiping off shedded Persian hairs on his pants. " Yes, Delia ? "
" We need to get to Pallet. "
" Duh. I know. "
" Today. So...I got two airplane tickets going to Pallet today. Nonrefundable. "
He blanched and glared at me. " Delia ! Please ! Don't make me go on that thing ! Why do you think I shot down Mother's blimps ?! "
I stifled a giggle. " 'Cause you're an idiot. "
" Yes, because I'm an idio- hey ! That's besides the point ! I'm not going on it ! Go drag some homeless person to take with you. "
He stood up and fiddled with a notebook. I groaned. " Giovanni, an airplane isn't a death sentence. I got these tickets, the baby is kicking real badly, and by Jove we're going ! " I hissed, throwing a pillow at him.
" No. "
" Okay. Maybe I can get Stephen to come and pick me up. I'm sure he'll do it for m- "
" Fine. Just don't involve Oaky. "
After security checks, we were on board of the airplane. I was sitting in a seat calmly, sipping at tea. Giovanni was tapping his fingers very rapidly, his phobia already taking over him. As the airplane flew up into the sky, he let out an ear - piercing scream. About five people gave death glares at him. I rolled my eyes. " Oh, God. Quit being such a wimp, John ! "
He gave a pitiful look at me. " I can't help it ! Flying is evil ! "
" Well, what do you want me to about it ?! " I demanded.
He shrugged. " Uh, kill the pilot ? "
" Giovanni ! "
He blushed and laughed nervously. " Sorry. Air paranoia. "
I swear, Giovanni may have been a businessman, but he sometimes acted like a five - year old. It drove me crazy, especially when he was arguing with Stephen Oak about 80s rock bands.
After a while, he shut up. He was still paranoid, but I'm pretty sure the oxygen mask and hidden alcohl helped a bit by calming his senses.
Then something horrible happened. I wet my seat. It wasn't pee, either. I wasn't due for another month, but my water broke. I moaned very loudly and clutched my stomach. " Giovanni...I'm having the baby. "
" Are you serious ? "
" OWWWW ! Yes ! "
He stood up and paled. " Are you sure, Delia ? "
Another moan came out of me. I stomped on his foot. " Get someone to help ! These contractions are hell ! "
Giovanni scratched his head. " Why ? "
" GO FIND SOME DAMN MEDICAL HELP NOW ! "
He nodded, fleeing from the scene. As the contractions grew stronger, I pushed and screamed. People looked at me like I was crazy. I glared at them. " What, never seen a woman have a baby before ?! You guys must be sterile or something. "
They sweatdropped, leaving me alone to push.
Five minutes later Giovanni came back, holding a bag of peanuts in his hands. " I couldn't find anyone to help 'cause I threw up, but I got you some peanuts. I'm sure you can manage. "
I slapped him in the face. " Son of a biiitch ! Just get this baby out of me and let me die alreadyyy ! "
He sweatdropped. " Okay. How do I do that. "
Damn, he was so dense. I knew he was an only child, but didn't he know anything about woman anatomy ? Guess not.
Blood splattered onto the floor. The baby shot out of me like a bullet. I glared at Giovanni. " Some husband you are ! " I snapped. " Just pick up the little bastard and place him in my arms ! "
He sheepishly picked up the baby, and eyes bulging, dropped it on me. He pointed an accusing finger at the baby. " That's not our baby ! That's the son of Satan ! " He cried.
I groaned. " Giovanni, that's not true ! That's how babies come out of a mother ! "
" Liar ! They come out of the stomach, not...there ! I'm getting off this death machine ! "
He grabbed his parachute and ran to the emergency exit. I gasped. " Don't act like a retard, Giovanni ! Use your brain for once ! "
The man shook his head. In an instant, he jumped off the plane, even though we were only a couple of minutes away from the airport. As I saw my husband drop down in a ditch somewhere in Pallet with a deflated parachute, I slapped my forehead and looked at the baby. As I gave Ash his name, my first words to him were, " Please do not have your father's insanity fits when you're older, Ash. "
After I got off the plane, I found out that Giovanni had broken his arms and several of his ribs. I left him there for two hours. Or...was it two days ? I really don't care. I was in pain at the time with a very bloody newborn. Plus, I had to apologize to the pilot for having bloodying up the floor.
I laughed out loud, thinking of Giovanni in arm casts for a month. Ash looked at me, with a confused expression on his face. " Mom, are you okay ? " he asked.
" Of course, sweetie ! What happened to your friends ? "
Ash shrugged. " Left. Uh, Mom ? Was it true when you said that tale of my birth was a lie ? "
I grinned at him. " Of course. "
" Was my actual birth story that funny ? "
" No...just the part where your father jumped out of an airplane and broke some things. "
O.o " Okay, Mom. I'm just going to leave you alone now. "
He went upstairs. I sighed. It was really unfortunate that Ash inherited the insanity gene. Oh, well. I didn't think about that. I giggled, thinking of Giovanni's airplane phobia.
Wondering if it still lasted, I called Continental Airlines, asking for a certain person to be forced upon an airplane because it was his birthday. Yeah, it was a lie, and yeah, I also asked for this person to be harnessed in a seat. All part of my experiment. Hehe.
I wasn't surprised. Ten o'clock at night. Ash was already passed out in bed. Good thing, too.
I crept downstairs, doing everything not to crack up in giddy laughter as I opened the door to find Giovanni holding a ticket and a harness, glaring at me. I put on an innocent look. " Oh, hi, Mr. John. Shouldn't you be in bed with your blanket and a gun ? "
" Oh, no, not on my surprise birthday, " he sarcastically replied. " Besides, wouldn't want to waste a forced airplane trip from Continental Airlines. "
" Yep. What's with that harness ? "
" Why don't you ask the person that knows I hate flying in anything except for a chopper ? "
I shrugged. " Let's see...she would say... get over it, wimpy. "
Giovanni snickered. " And I would say that I'm not a wimp. "
" Okay, how about this ? Ash is the son of Satan, and I'm dating Professor Oak ? "
He screamed and pulled out a pocketknife. " Okay, I think we can kill the little boy while he's sleeping so we don't have to perform an exorcism. As for the Professor, I think he's in cahoots with the devil. "
I burst out laughing. " God, you are so dense ! I never thought that would work on you ! Oh, now I know that if I told Ash what his actual birth story was, he'd croak over and pee his pants ! "
A sheepish grin came on his face. " Doesn't he do that even when he's not embarrassed ? "
I giggled. " Since he was three . "
Giovanni slicked back his hair and grinned. " So...I was walking around the neighborhood, and wondering if we can talk about this inside ? "
" No problem. Make sure you don't trip. "
He nodded. I sat on the couch, he following suit. I grinned. " So...that's still a yes on the airplane phobia ? "
" Yes, Delia. "
" Hehe...maybe that's why Ash always goes to places on a ferry. He only went on a blimp once, he said. It was a pretty crappy one to Valencia Island. Crashed. Never went by air travel again. "
" I don't blame him. "
I pushed him lightly. " You dork. Obviously you haven't gained sense since the last time I saw you two years ago. "
" Nope. I do remember something, though. "
" What, pure agony for one month because your arms were broken ? "
" Well, that, too. But we never did finish that session in the hotel fourteen years ago. "
He looked at me with an expression that was unusually playful. I blushed lightly. " Hmm...maybe we can finish it, " I teased.
" Oh, yes. No problem with that. "
So I layed down on the couch. He crept on top of me, grinning as he pulled a blanket over us. We giggled, kissed. Nothing too nasty ; I would have punched him for that. Then...
" Uh, Mom ? What are you doing ? "
Shoved Giovanni off of me, letting him fall off the couch. Ash was wide awake, looking at the two of us. I paled. " Nothing. We're playing Twister. "
He smirked. " Funny way to play it. Who's this guy ? "
I looked at my ex-husband, and looked back at Ash, giving him a cool glance. " Oh, that's the mailman. "
" Yeah, he looks pretty poor. What would Dad say ? "
" Uh, he'd say that it's better than playing with the Professor. "
Ash grinned. " Okay. Uh, is Dad still in jail for stealing the military's frozen yogurt ? "
" No, he got shot by the NPA and the FBI. I think his body is in a ditch somewhere in Pewter. "
A nod. He wiped his eyes and blushed, looking down at a wetted area. " Okay. I'm gonna use the toilet and go back to bed. Night, Mom. Night, Mr. Mailman. "
He went back upstairs, slamming a door. Giovanni glared at me. " I could deal with being a poor mailman, but being shot by the military ?! What the hell ?! "
" Long story. Started when he was eight. "
" Oh. So...can we continue playing Twister ? "
" Sure. "
He grinned and we continued playing " Twister " . In a way, I was glad that Ash was dense, because if had been one of his friends that was my child, they probably would have figured it out. Hooray for brain damage.
Besides, he'd find out the actual truth about his dad in seven years, anyway. That would give me enough time to learn the ways of how to ' bring someone back from the dead. '
I knew I would be able to use the frozen yogurt excuse in one of my fanfics ! Yessss !