I do not own these characters. Seriously, I don't.

"Mom, I'm headed over to Carly's!" Freddie calls out as he opens the front door.

"Wait! Don't forget your anti-tick lotion! You could have ticks right now all over you and not even know it!" She cries earnestly.

"I'm fine, don't wor-" he's cut off.

"Take it!" She hands the lotion to him.

"But…" he protests.

"Take it! You need it!" She thrusts it into his hands.

Freddie sighs, "Okay, okay." He puts it in his pocket begrudgingly. "I'm going…" He closes the door leaving his mother behind with a worried expression. Before he can open Carly's door she walks out followed by Spencer.

"Oh, hey Freddie. Spencer and I will be back in a few." She smiles. "We're just picking up some supplies for his furniture face creation," she tells him.

"Furniture face creation?" Freddie repeats, puzzled.

Carly shrugs, "Yeah, you'll see. Anyway, Sam's upstairs. I already told her."

"It'll be awesome!" Spencer excitedly tells Freddie as he passes him.

Carly waves, "Be right back."

"Later." Freddie walks in through the living room and heads up the stairs. He opens the door to find a very surprising scene: Sam lounged on a beanbag chair with her left hand down her baggy pants (still zipped up), softly moaning. Upon hearing him enter the room she swiftly takes her hand out and springs up standing, staring at Freddie – the mood completely gone in a flash.

Mouth agape, Freddie breaks the silence. "Were you just…?"

Sam quickly responds, keeping her expression the same, "No I wasn't."

Freddie pauses, replaying in his mind what he just saw, "Yeah you were."

More defiantly and louder, "I wasn't doing anything, Freddie."

He smiles a bit at her, "I could tell everyone at school that I caught Sam Puckett masturb-" Sam clasps her hands over his mouth, stopping him. Her eyes are wide in shock.

"Don't you say a word to anyone! Not even Carly. Or else I'll beat you to a hurt beyond recognition." She threatens, eyes glowering at him.

He yanks her hands off. "No chance. When I tell just one kid it'll spread throughout the entire student body and you'll be laughed out of school. You'll run off. You couldn't hit me – too many eye witnesses," he says confidently.

She takes a step back, stunned, "But you uhh… you can't."

"I can and I will." He crosses his arms and turns his back to her, "Unless…"

Warily, "Unless what?"

He turns back around, "Unless…" He looks down to the ground pondering just how to get back at her. He looks back up satisfied with his choice: "You pretend to date me for a week."

Taken aback, "What?! But we don't even like each other, why would you want to date me?" She asks.

"Pretend to date," he corrects. "And you don't like so it's perfect."

Sam stares angrily at him, thinking. She shakes her head, "Oh, just go ahead and spill."

"Are you sure that's what you want? Which is worse?"

Sam rethinks her decision. She raises an eyebrow, "One week?"

Freddie gives a single nod, "One week."

"Fine."

"Great. Starting tomorrow, you're my sweetums." He smiles at her.

Sam's sudden urge to hit is interrupted when Carly steps in the room.

"Hey guys." She stops, "Uh, what's going on?"

Sam changes her mood, "Nothing, Carls."

"Okay. Freddie, go make sure the Kablam song is ready," Carly instructs.

He does so, "Downloaded and ready to play."

"We're starting in about ten minutes for iCarly. Our first act is the manly voices." She deepens her voice, "'Hey, I'm Carlson!' and then you say," she tells Sam, referring to her, "'And I'm Mallory! I mean, Samuel!' and together we say "And this is the iCarlson show!' and I continue, 'Where cartoons and comics collide! Now to take you inside and turn the pages! Here are your hosts…'" She goes back to her normal voice, "'Carly aaand…" She motions her hands over to Sam.

Sam, boredly, "Sam.'"

Freddie plays the Kablam intro on cue.

"Freddie, turn it off." He complies. Carly turns to Sam, "Why aren't you dancing? Or sounding happy? Why aren't you happy dancing?? C'mon, we have a show to run in…" she checks her watch, "six minutes."

"I got it. I was just distracted."

"Well don't be when we go live. Okay, after that I explain to the younger viewers of iCarly that they may not know about Kablam."

Freddie interjects, "We don't."

"Yes." She continues, "But that my older brother Spencer has always been a kid at heart and he used to watch it when he was a teen. So what's the act after that?"

"Um… crazy paper cutting." Sam answers.

"Right. Where we crazily cut pieces of paper with scissors!" She grins, "I think we're ready!"

The iCarly web show goes on normally.