Neither of these lovely characters belong t me. But the scene is entirely of my own imagination. Please read it to the end! It's not too long, unless you would want more!
A Cup of Bliss or Poison?
It was such a warm night. The sky was so clear and I had resolved that my mind should be so as well, if just for one night. Let the morning bring what it may. I wanted to be happy that night. He had been so kind to me that evening, kinder than usual; and I felt that his eyes danced with a certain glow at their depths. This undoubtedly meant that his marriage to Miss Ingram was approaching and perhaps his growing kindness to me meant that his happiness, which on this point meant all the desperation in the world for me, was near.
I crawled into my blankets, already feeling the tears gathering, filling my eyes. I knew that with a single blink, these rivers of misery will flow over the white hill and slip towards the valley. I tried to push them back but felt that they were too much to deny.
I let them flee perhaps they would ease the pain inside my heart. If only the lump in my throat would cease to be! I heard a sob, an unintentional one, escape my quivering lips. "You are to be content, Jane. Crying wont do anything." I murmured to myself. Oh I wished my heart could be as numb as Mrs. Reed thought it was.
I began thinking about her. Although they were not pleasant thoughts, they distracted me from Mr. Rochester and his bride-to-be. Even when dying, she refused to love me. I loved intensely, but my love was never to be returned. I forgave easily, but attracted no gratitude, no affection. All those people who might have loved me were gone. Am I truly so worthless of my fellow-creatures love? Oh God, what have I done to be undeserving of what I give so graciously?
I did not know when exactly I fell sleep, but the next picture I remember was a vivid dream. Unlike all my recent dreams this was very pleasant, very welcome. I was sitting in a drawing room, a very dark and gloomy place. I saw a candle. I ran to grab it as if it only would lighten the surroundings if it was within my reach. But as I ventured near it, it flew away as by an invisible hand. "Wait" it stopped. I again attempted to draw nearer but again it crept further. "Don't go away" I said
"I'm not going. I'm guiding you to the day." said a warm voice.
"Who are you?" I said, now fully trusting it.
As it said that everything became as bright as day and the candle was lost through the sun rays. I saw I was at Thornfields gate. I was back from a long journey. But I knew not to where. Somehow I found myself in someone's arms. It was Mr. Rochester.
"Edward!" I then gasped at myself calling him by his christen name.
"Oh my daring Jane, I love you."
I woke up. Oh God! Why is my mind playing these sad games with me? Is my suffering not enough? Why should I endure even the disappointment of waking after such delusional dreams? Ere long I had been entertaining these painful thoughts I found myself charmed by slumber again. Denying the dream, this time I had a nightmare.
I was running from Mrs. Reed, still following the candle. Only this time Helen Burns was holding it for me. Her voice was acute and shaky, not like the previous, bass, warm voice. She compelled me to hurry which I did with anxiousness though I knew not why. We reached at a church yard. There Helen fell to her knees and joined her hands while she kneeled beside her own grave. I seeing her grave and then looking at her started to scream.
As if not knowing that I was still there she opened her shut eyes and looked at me in surprise ordering me to go inside the church. I looked towards the doors and saw a woman alone. She began to laugh. Such laughs that I had heard escape Grace Poole.
But it wasn't her, it was Blanche. Then she disappeared inside the church. In a glimpse, I thought I saw a bloody knife held in her hands.
I went inside the church, my heart beating fast inside my breast. I saw him there, standing beside her to be wed. He saw the knife too; only to him it was disguised as roses. I screamed, for the second time,
"Edward no, don't. It will ruin you. Edward…" I screamed harder. "Don't, no" Catching myself calling him by his christen name again, I thought perhaps that was why he didn't hear me so I proceeded, "Mr. Rochester, no, don't please, please!" I began calling his name again and again in concern and most of all in desperation. But someone was pulling me away, slightly shaking me.
"Jane! Jane dear, wake. Wake up."
"No, Don't" I murmured, as slowly it became clear where I was and what had happened. I couldn't see who was shaking me but could easily distinguish his voice.
"Do you feel better?" He whispered as he gave me some water.
"Would you care to tell me what made you call me so desperately in your dream?" I could sense the smile in his sentence.
"I… I… don't…" impossible to tell him!
"What wrong was I doing that you so urgently needed to stop me?"
I couldn't possibly tell him that. But suddenly it became so strange, he being here in my bedroom. This thought and its impropriety led to another thought.
"I'm sorry to have woken you. I hope I haven't disturbed others, have I?"
"No my darl…, Umm, no, no you haven't. The servants sleep far off you see and dame Fairfax is too old and a little deaf to have heard it." His voice was softer than ever. His face was so close to mine as he replaced me on my bed. Oh how I wished to be in his embrace!
"No Jane," he said again "you can never be the cause of discomfort to any person."
I could feel his warm breath upon my face. I thought I'm still dreaming. This wasn't happening. No, I could not be so blessed so let me taste this cup of bliss at least in my dreams, where I may be free.
"Goodnight" he said.
I felt his lips brush on my forehead. A feeling of sensation, of joy beyond belief was aroused in my fast-beating heart. It was too sweet a dream and my excitement took the reins from sense and judgment and with a spiteful gesture bestowed it on the eager hands of love and feeling. While I had the chance, while I still felt the propinquity of his face to mine, my crazy heart decided to show him that it was not numb, that it was full, full with an intense love for him. If this was my dream then I could taste it. I pressed my lips against his cheek.
Suddenly I felt as if I had again woken from a dream but this time fear filled me instead of despair. Oh what had I done? He had backed away and gasped as he felt the touch of my cold lips. "Jane!" he said in surprise and my eyes were suddenly filled with fresh, hot tears at my own insanity.
"Oh sir, I'm so sorry! I promise it will never…"
He put a finger on my lips by means of silencing me. "Jane, never say you are sorry!"
My eyes now adjusted to the darkness saw a face filled with… I was not sure with what. It was impossible to be passion, more so love. He seemed hesitant for a minute, and then approached my face again, pressing his lips hard against mine. I was reluctant at first, a result of bewilderment and disbelief but after sometime, love gave way and I kissed him back, passionately, and afterwards to my regret, shamelessly, putting my hands around his neck.
We were this way for sometime. I was so lost in him that forgot about the time flying away. It was sometime after I, exhausted with the excitement, broke away. He smiled but I cried silently, cursing myself for having been weak to temptation.
He put a hand on my cheek, much as I longed for his touch, I shrugged it off but it was too late he felt my tears.
"Jane, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I never wanted to…"
"Oh please, just go away." I said now sobbing.
Without another word but a sight he left, leaving me alone in the darkness of my own guilt.
If you liked it please review and tell me if you're interested to read more. I'm not quite sure of myself!