Authors note: Okay here's a oneshot I came up with the other day, and I hope everyone likes it. I would love criticism and reviews! Also for anyone who voted in the poll in my other SP story 'Red Rocket Racer' I am sorry to say 21 percent will not be my next story. I'm afraid if I write it now it'll turn out bad because I don't have enough experience. I don't know what's up next for me so you'll just have to wait and see!

Why I do the things I do

When I was younger I got asked a lot of questions about why I did the things I did. In grade school I got asked why I shook all the time. When I was in middle school I got asked why I drank so much coffee. But now that I'm in high school the questions are a little different and mostly relate to my best friend Craig.

Clyde's question

I was walking down to Starks Pond with Clyde my freshman year when Clyde asked me a question.

"Tweek, why do you hang out with Craig? I mean he's a huge stoner and he drinks all the time. Someday he'll want you to do it too man. Doesn't that scare you?"

Clyde stopped hanging out with Craig in 8th grade. Everyone thought Clyde would be the stoner and the drunk, but he stayed clean. He tried to get Craig to quit, but Craig refused. Clyde stopped hanging out with him, along with most of his other friends.



Craig and I were down in his basement one day earlier in the year. Craig was high and was starting to drink when I asked him a question.

"Craig, c-can I t-t-try some po-pot?"

Craig sat his bottle of vodka down on the coffee table and looked me hard in the eye.

"You will NEVER, EVER get high as long as I'm alive to stop you. Got it?"


End Flashback

"I guess I just don't GAH think that'll h-happen."

Wendy's question

I was helping to decorate the high school gym for the homecoming dace at the beginning of my sophomore year of high school. It wasn't normally the kind of thing I would do, but Token had dragged me along since Clyde was busy. Then he ditched me to flirt with Bebe, which left me with Wendy.

Wendy and I talked awhile which led her to question.

"Tweek you're so nice and respectful. I just don't understand why you waste your time with Craig. He's so rude to us girls and you're so sweet. Why do you put up with him?"

"I-I Guess,"


It was late in my freshmen year of high school when Craig took me to his house. The plan was for us to say hi to his parents grab some money to go to a movie and leave, but that's not what happened.

Craig and I walked in the front door of the house to see Craig's mom and little sister standing in the middle of the kitchen.

"Hey Mom- Mom you don't look so good."

"I know honey, I have a cold. I've got to- ACHOO! Take your sister to her dance lessons though."

"The only thing you need to do is go to bed. I'll take Brooke for you." Craig said taking his moms keys right out of her hands.

"No, Craig, it's fine. I told you, you aren't responsible for watching her."

"Get in the car Brooke. Mom it's fine, you're sick, just go to bed; I'll be back in half an hour." Craig said flipping his mom off.

"Achoo! –sniff- Fine, you win." Craig's mom said flipping him off.

"I'll bring back some 7-up. Come on Tweek, let's go!"

End Flashback

"It just depends on who the girl is."

Butter's question

It was at that very homecoming dance that I got my next question. Craig had just gotten in a fight with Kevin, uhhh, that Chinese kid.

I didn't know why they were fighting, but I was pretty sure Craig threw the first punch.

Of course a crowd had formed and Mr. Mackey was trying to break them up, but he had aged and Craig didn't look like he was done fighting yet.

It was at that time that Butters walked up and asked me a question.

"W-well gee, why do you hang out with Craig? He's just so gosh darn mean."



Craig and I were walking to my house after school one day near the end of freshmen year when all of a sudden Craig stopped me.

Up ahead were 2 juniors beating up Pip.

"Damnit. Stay here Tweek."


Then I watched Craig walk up to the bigger of the 2 juniors.

"What's the problem man?" Craig asked loudly, attracting the other junior.

"Just teaching Frenchy here the American way."

"Well if you don't let him go I'm gonna teach you the Tyler-Alan way."

"Craig, I assure you that I'll be just fine-"

"Shut-up Pip." Craig said flipping Pip off.

"Well you'll have to show us the 'Tyler-Alan' way."

"You asked for it."

And with that I watched Craig beat the shit out of 2 juniors. It didn't take long for the juniors to realize that Craig was tough shit and flee, which left Me, Craig, and Pip alone.

I walked over to the other 2 and asked if Craig was okay.

"I'm fine, those 2 were pusses."

"Thank you so much for your-"

"Whatever Pip, just grow some balls and defend yourself next time."


End Flashback

"Sometimes he is, but usually for the right reasons."

Kyle's question

Kyle and I were sitting next to each other in Art class our junior year of high school when I got asked my next question.

"Dude, what's up with Craig? He was all over you today; I mean I'm used to you being attached to his arm, but there was no space between you two today. Doesn't it bother you that he's had his arm around you all day?"

"To t-tell you the GAH truth,"


It was a week before that art class when Craig and I went to a party.

Craig didn't normally take me to party's with him since he didn't want me to get high or drunk, but he had made an exception for this party.

It was his cousin Red's party and he knew that there would be mostly girls and preppy jocks who wanted to get laid.

Normally Craig would be all about getting laid, but he didn't want to do it with any of Reds friends. So he brought me and said we could hang out.

After awhile the whole party turned into one big make-out party, so Craig took me upstairs to Reds parents room, where no one was aloud, and locked the door.

"So much for my cousin being a good girl." Craig said laughing.

"Yeah, guess so."

"Sorry I dragged you to this party; I didn't think it would get this wild."

"GAH! It's o-okay."

"Good. We can have our own make-out party up here."


"I'm just kidding Tweek."


"You sound disappointed."

"N-no, I've just never made-out with anyone."

"Really? I never would have guessed." Craig said laughing and ruffling my hair.

"It's not funny man! W-what-nngh- if I'm a virgin forever!?"

"You won't be."

"H-how do y-you know?"

"Because if you were a girl I'd bang you in a second, and that's got to count for something."

"JESUS CHRIST! WHAT?" I screamed turning to look Craig in the eye.

"I said if you were a girl I'd bang you." Craig said shrugging and lying down on the queen sized bed in the room.


"Because, I like girls and I like you, so I figure I'd bang you if you were a girl."

"S-so you GAH wish I was a girl?"

"Ha! Come here Tweek. Lay down." Craig said motioning me over.

I went and lay down next to Craig on the bed.

"Dude if you were a girl, we couldn't do half the fun shit we do now, I'm glad you're a guy. So don't go pull a Garrison on me, I like you just the way you are."

"R-really?" I asked rolling to look at him instead of the ceiling. Craig was looking me straight in the eye, like he was contemplating doing something.


Then he pushed his lips to mine. I felt a tingle go down my back which made me shake really hard. Then Craig pulled up and smiled.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

End Flashback

"I kinda-nngh-like it."

"I'll never understand why you put yourself threw so much."

"It's okay. I don't think anyone will ever understand why I do the things I do."