Birthday Quest

A YUROANET Game
(A subsidiary of BAILESUCOM)

By Jason C. Ulloa
Based on a concept by John Walter Biles

Asleep
You are asleep.

)WHO AM I?
You're Batman.

)REALLY? THAT'S AWESOME!
No, I was just kidding.

)WHAT? I'M NOT BATMAN?
Nope. Sorry.

)THEN, WHO AM I?
Sorry, I don't answer philosophical questions.

)IT'S NOT A PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION!
Oh, sorry. Let me try that again.

Your name is Mamoru. Your favorite color is blue. Your quest is to seek the holy grail.

)THE... WHAT?
Oh, wait a minute. Sorry, I'm reading from the wrong script. Your quest is to get a birthday cake and a present, and give them to your girlfriend, Usagi.

)...THAT'S ALL?
That's all.

)YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING.
Afraid not. Now, are we going to get started or what?

)BUT THIS GAME SOUNDS SO LAME!
Hey, you're the one that started the game. I'm just the parser. Just remember, it could be worse.

)HOW THE HELL COULD THIS GAME BE WORSE?
You could be playing Barney Quest.

)SHUDDER
You shudder.

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Love for Tsukino Usagi
Compulsive Tidyness
Weakness Against Brainwashing
Bishounen Good Looks
Junior High School Girl Magnetism
No Tea

)WAKE UP
You open your eyes.

)GET OUT OF BED
You throw off your blankets and get out of bed.

Mamoru's Bedroom

The room is spartan, yet very neatly kept. A single dresser sits on the opposite side of the room from the foot of the bed. To the right of the bed, a large, glass sliding door is situated in the middle of the wall leading out to the balcony. On the other side of the room is the door leading out to the living room. In the corner between the balcony and the dresser is the closet. Next to your bed is a nightstand with a lamp and a small, thin vase.

)HEALTH
You feel well-rested. You recall having a nice dream involving yourself and Usagi dancing in the ballroom of a grand hotel. After dancing, the two of you retired up to your room to do stuff that cannot be described in a family fanfic.

It can't be described here, either.

It got really weird after Usagi called for room service and Rei arrived wheeling in a cart while wearing a skimpy and revealing French maid outfit.

)GO BACK TO SLEEP
You don't need to sleep.

)GO BACK TO SLEEP, ANYWAY
You really don't need to sleep.

)GO BACK TO SLEEP, DAMMIT!!
Look, just give it up, okay?

)POUT
You pout.

)ENTER CLOSET
You run smack into the closet door. Ow.

)OPEN CLOSET DOOR
You open the closet door.

)ENTER CLOSET
You walk into the closet. There are many shirts and blazers hanging in here. On one side of the closet, there are a few coats and one really expensive-looking tuxedo hanging on the rack.

)LOOK TUXEDO
It's a very nice tuxedo. It's covered in light plastic. It must have just come back from the dry cleaners. There is also a sticky note on the covering telling you not to remove it until it's needed.

)THE NOTE?
The covering, stupid.

)I KNEW THAT!
You could've fooled me.

)TAKE TUXEDO
Taken.

)PUT ON TUXEDO
You can't put the tuxedo on while the plastic covering is still on it.

)REMOVE PLASTIC COVERING
You start to remove the plastic covering but you remember what was written on the note and you leave the covering alone.

)LOOK SHIRTS
There are many different colored shirts hanging in the closet. Most of them are white, but there are some black ones as well. There's a pink shirt here, too, for some odd reason.

)PINK?
Yes, pink.

)EW.
Indeed.

)TAKE SHIRT
Which one?

)TAKE ALL OF THEM
Look, I know in games like these, you can carry a lot of stuff, but let's not get ridiculous.

)TAKE BLACK SHIRT
Taken.

)WEAR BLACK SHIRT
You put on the black shirt.

)LOOK BLAZERS
There are many different colored blazers hanging in the closet. The olive green colored blazer catches your eye for some reason, along with a dark blue one.

)OLIVE GREEN? WHAT A HORRIBLE COLOR FOR A BLAZER.
True. Still, the blazer draws your attention.

)IGNORE OLIVE GREEN BLAZER
You ignore the olive green blazer.

)TAKE DARK BLUE BLAZER
Taken.

)WEAR BLAZER
You put on the olive green blazer.

)WAIT... WHAT? INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Black Shirt (worn)
Olive Green Blazer (worn)
Love for Tsukino Usagi
Compulsive Tidyness
Weakness Against Brainwashing
Bishounen Good Looks
Junior High School Girl Magnetism
No Tea
Tuxedo

)HEY! I SAID TAKE THE DARK BLUE BLAZER! NOT THE OLIVE GREEN ONE!
Oops. Sorry.

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Black Shirt (worn)
Dark Blue Blazer (worn)
Love for Tsukino Usagi
Compulsive Tidyness
Weakness Against Brainwashing
Bishounen Good Looks
Junior High School Girl Magnetism
No Tea
Tuxedo

)GO OUT OF THE CLOSET
You come out of the closet, finally revealing your attraction to other guys. Fans of Mamoru/Fiore pairings and slash writers rejoice around the world.

)THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!
Oh. Well, be more clear next time.

)EXIT CLOSET
You exit the closet. Your Compulsive Tidyness causes you to close the closet door behind you.

)OPEN DRESSER
You open the dresser drawers. Inside the lower drawers are several pairs of white socks and boxers. Inside the upper drawers are several pairs of black slacks and trousers.

)TAKE A PAIR OF SOCKS
Taken.

)WEAR SOCKS
You put on some socks.

)TAKE A PAIR OF BOXERS
Taken.

)WEAR BOXERS
You put on some boxers.

)TAKE BLACK SLACKS
Taken.

)WEAR BLACK SLACKS
You put on the black slacks.

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Black Shirt (worn)
Olive Green Blazer (worn)
Socks (worn)
Boxers (worn)
Black Slacks (worn)
Love for Tsukino Usagi
Compulsive Tidyness
Weakness Against Brainwashing
Bishounen Good Looks
Junior High School Girl Magnetism
No Tea
Tuxedo

)HEY! I'M WEARING A DARK BLUE BLAZER, NOT OLIVE GREEN!
Sorry.

You are carrying:
Black Shirt (worn)
Dark Blue Blazer (worn)
Socks (worn)
Boxers (worn)
Black Slacks (worn)
Love for Tsukino Usagi
Compulsive Tidyness
Weakness Against Brainwashing
Bishounen Good Looks
Junior High School Girl Magnetism
No Tea
Tuxedo

)CLOSE DRESSER
You close the dresser drawers.

)LOOK NIGHTSTAND
It's an ordinary-looking nightstand. It has a single drawer and on top of it lies a simple lamp and a thin flower vase.

)LOOK VASE
It's a clear, thin, glass flower vase. Inside the flower vase is a small pool of water where a flower used to rest.

)OPEN NIGHTSTAND DRAWER
You open the drawer. Inside the nightstand is a wallet, a set of keys, a pack of Juicy Fruit gum, a Rubik's Cube, and a mini Bible.

)A MINI BIBLE? LIKE THE ONES YOU FIND IN HOTELS?
The same.

)THOSE DAMN GIDEONS ARE EVERYWHERE, AREN'T THEY?
It appears so.

)TAKE ALL
Wallet: Taken.
Set of keys: Taken.
Pack of Juicy Fruit gum: Taken.
Rubik's Cube: Taken.
Mini Bible: Taken.
Olive Green blazer: Taken.

)WHAT THE HELL?? THAT BLAZER WASN'T IN THE NIGHTSTAND!
It wasn't?

)NO!
Okay, then. You don't take the olive green blazer because there isn't one there. Happy?

)RELATIVELY.
Good enough.

)GO LIVING ROOM
Bric-a, brac-a, firecracker, sis-boom-bah! Living room, living room, rah, rah, rah! Go, living room!

)HA, HA. VERY FUNNY.
I try.

)GO TO LIVING ROOM
You enter the living room, closing the nightstand drawer as you leave your bedroom.

Mamoru's Apartment

The single bedroom apartment is rather large for a complex in downtown Tokyo. The living room and kitchen areas are just as neat and clean as the bedroom you just left. The door to your bedroom is near one corner of the living room area with the kitchen area just across the room in its own corner. In the corner opposite of the kitchen area is a door leading to the bathroom. In the remaining corner is the door leading out of the apartment. There is a TV against the wall in front of you with a small couch sitting a reasonable distance away. You see a pair of shoes sitting by the door leading out of the apartment.

)HEALTH
You feel well-rested and hungry.

)GO TO KITCHEN
You enter the kitchen. It's small, but it is well-equipped for your breakfast needs.

)OPEN FRIDGE
You open the fridge. There is plenty of food in here; however, what catches your eye are the leftovers from yesterday's Chinese take-out, a half-pint bucket of cottage cheese, a carton of eggs, and a half of a grapefruit.

)TAKE ALL
Leftovers: Taken
Bucket of cottage cheese: Taken
Carton of eggs: Taken
Half a grapefruit: Taken

)SAVE
Game saved.

)EAT LEFTOVERS
For breakfast? Ew.

)EAT LEFTOVERS!
All right, all right. You eat the leftovers.

You start to feel strange.

)HEALTH
You feel well-rested, but for some reason you don't feel very well.

)DRINK SOME WATER
Straight from the faucet?

You start to feel very strange.

)LOOK FOR A GLASS
You start to rummage through the cabinets for a glass, but you suddenly feel weak and collapse.

)STAND UP
You try to stand up, but you lack the strength to do so.

)HEALTH
You are poisoned.

)CALL FOR AN AMBULANCE
You reach for the nearest phone, but you expire before you can pick up the receiver.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)BUT THEY WEREN'T EVEN A DAY OLD!
Maybe it was the MSG?

)...MAYBE EATING THOSE LEFTOVERS WAS A BAD IDEA.
Whatever made you think that?

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)EAT EGGS
What eggs?

)OPEN CARTON
You open the carton. There are two eggs inside the carton.

)EAT EGGS
You crack open the eggs and eat them raw.

)EW. GROSS.
Not something I'd recommend, by the way. Would you like to restore?

)AM I POISONED?
No, but you do feel rather grossed out.

)EAT GRAPEFRUIT
You eat the grapefruit. You get squirted in the eye a couple of times, but it's not bad. The grapefruit, that is.

)OPEN BUCKET
You open the bucket of cottage cheese. Most of it is gone, but there is a small amount left.

)EAT COTTAGE CHEESE
You eat the cottage cheese.

)HEALTH
You feel well-rested and not hungry.

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Black Shirt (worn)
Dark Blue Blazer (worn)
Socks (worn)
Boxers (worn)
Black Slacks (worn)
Love for Tsukino Usagi
Compulsive Tidyness
Weakness Against Brainwashing
Bishounen Good Looks
Junior High School Girl Magnetism
No Tea
Tuxedo
Wallet
Set of Keys
Pack of Juicy Fruit Gum
Rubik's Cube
Mini Bible
Chinese Take-Out Leftovers

)LEAVE KITCHEN
You leave the kitchen and head back to the living room.

)TAKE SHOES
Taken.

)WEAR SHOES
You put on the shoes.

)LEAVE APARTMENT
You leave your apartment.

Outside Mamoru's Apartment

You are standing outside of your apartment. The hallway stretches a good distance to the east and west, each direction leading to an elevator, stairs, and another hallway.

)SAVE
Game saved.

)WEST
You head west.

)TAKE ELEVATOR TO GROUND FLOOR
You try to pick up the elevator, but it's way too heavy. The strain gives you a hernia and also causes your head to explode.

Your head a splode.

)MY WHAT A WHAT?
Oh, sorry. Must have been a bad translation there. Let's try that again.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)OKAY, YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT BY TAKING THE ELEVATOR.
It's not my fault the programmer gave me such a literal command translator.

)SIGH
You sigh.

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)WEST
You head west.

)ENTER ELEVATOR
You run smack into the elevator doors. Ow.

)LOOK ELEVATOR
The elevator doors are closed. There are two buttons nearby, one with an arrow pointing up and another with an arrow pointing down.

)PRESS DOWN BUTTON
The elevator doors open with a soft mechanical whir.

)ENTER ELEVATOR
You enter the elevator.

There are several buttons here.

)LOOK BUTTONS
There are several buttons on the panel. There's one for each floor, one labeled "Close Doors," one labeled "Open Doors," one labeled "Emergency Stop," one labeled "Emergency Go," one labeled "Emergency Evacuation," and one labeled "DO NOT TOUCH!"

)PRESS DO NOT TOUCH BUTTON
The elevator doors close and a cheery voice announces over the PA system, "Thank you for pressing the 'Do Not Touch' button. This elevator will now self-destruct. Have a nice day."

The elevator explodes before you even have a chance to say "Thank you."

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)WHAT THE HELL?!
Well, it did say not to touch it.

)WHO THE HELL DESIGNS AN ELEVATOR TO EXPLODE?
Someone who thinks that people who deliberately touch buttons that say "DO NOT TOUCH" should be blown up.

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)WEST
You head west.

)ENTER ELEVATOR
You enter the elevator.

There are several buttons here.

)PRESS EMERGENCY EVACUATION BUTTON
As soon as you press the button, the roof slides off of the elevator car and the bottom shoots upward, catapulting you up the elevator shaft. You slam into the roof of the shaft hard enough to break your neck.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)YOU CALL THAT AN EMERGENCY EVACUATION??
It got you out in a hurry, didn't it?

)WHO THE HELL DESIGNED THIS THING?
That's not important.

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)WEST
You head west.

)ENTER ELEVATOR
You enter the elevator.

There are several buttons here.

)PRESS EMERGENCY GO BUTTON
Nothing happens.

)PRESS GROUND FLOOR BUTTON
Nothing happens.

)IS THIS THING BROKEN?
You don't see a "Broken Elevator" or an "Out of Service" sign.

)LOOK ELEVATOR
The doors are open.

)PRESS CLOSE DOORS BUTTON
The elevator doors close.

)PRESS GROUND FLOOR BUTTON
The elevator whirs to life as it slowly descends to the ground floor. The door opens with a pleasant sounding ding.

)EXIT ELEVATOR
You exit the elevator.

Apartment Complex Lobby

You are in the lobby of your apartment complex. It's not very fancy, but it is quite pleasant. There are a few potted plants here and there. A hallway leads to the front office where the manager works at. A revolving doorway leads outside.

)GO DOORWAY
You walk into the revolving doorway.

Apartment Complex Lobby

You are in the lobby of your apartment complex. It's not very fancy, but it is quite pleasant. There are a few potted plants here and there. A hallway leads to the front office where the manager works at. A revolving doorway leads outside.

)NO! I SAID GO DOORWAY!
And I said you walk into the revolving doorway.

Apartment Complex Lobby

You are in the lobby of your apartment complex. It's not very fancy, but it is quite pleasant. There are a few potted plants here and there. A hallway leads to the front office where the manager works at. A revolving doorway leads outside.

)WHAT THE HELL? WHY AM I BACK HERE AGAIN?
Well, it is a revolving doorway.

)...JUST GO OUTSIDE, DAMMIT.
You walk through the revolving doorway and exit out the other side.

Outside Mamoru's Apartment

You are standing outside of your apartment complex. The street you are standing on runs east and west. To the east is more of Downtown Tokyo. To the west is a shopping center.

)WEST
You head west. You find yourself in front of a large shopping center.

)LOOK SHOPPING CENTER
It's very big. There are many shops around selling various things. Some of these things are actually worth buying. Further to the west, you can see a couple tall department store-like buildings.

)WEST
You head west. You find yourself near a couple tall department store-like buildings, one to the north and one to the south.

)LOOK SOUTH BUILDING
It's a huge multi-story department store-like building with the sign "Daisuke's Odds and Ends Emporium" in large neon letters. Underneath it, in smaller neon letters, is a sign that says "For all your Odds and Ends needs."

)AVOID SOUTH BUILDING AT ALL COSTS
Now what did Daisuke's Odds and Ends Emporium ever do to you?

)I'VE HEARD STORIES.
Suit yourself.

)LOOK NORTH BUILDING
It's a huge multi-story department store-like building with a large sign that says "Tokyo Mega Super Store of Stuff" in large white letters. Underneath that, in smaller letters, it says "Yes, we have kitchen sinks."

)ENTER TOKYO MEGA SUPER STORE OF STUFF
You enter the Tokyo Mega Super Store of Stuff.

Tokyo Mega Super Store of Stuff

This store has practically everything you can think of, and some things you might not have thought of. From produce to clothing to woodworking to electronics to automotives to robotics to artillery to nuclear engineering, this store has everything you may need. Looking for that samoflange? Maybe you need an interocitor? Need a replacement flux capacitor? You can find it here at the Tokyo Mega Super Store of Stuff.

Of course, you have to find it first. The inside of the store is almost like a maze with aisles going left, right, diagonally, and sideways. And a few going up and down, too.

)DOESN'T THAT DEFY THE LAWS OF PHYSICS?
Unfortunately, since this is a game, none of that really matters.

)...
Well, it doesn't.

)LOOK FOR A STORE DIRECTORY
You easily find a store directory. Easily, because it takes up the entire length of the wall, which stretches out way into the distance. You are currently in the "#-Aba" section.

)...
What now?

)ISN'T THAT A BIT EXCESSIVE?
Hey, I didn't design the store.

)LOOK FOR CAKE
You can't see any cake from here.

)LOOK DIRECTORY
It's an ENORMOUS store directory with listings for each and every product that the store carries. The directory stretches out to the north as far as the eye can see. Considering the dimensions of the building outside, this doesn't seem physically possible.

)NORTH
You head north, following the directory. You find yourself in the "Aba-Abe" section.

)NORTH
You head north, following the directory. You find yourself in the "Abe-Abi" section.

)NORTH
You head north, following the directory. You find yourself in the "Abi-Abo" section.

)NORTH
You head north, following the directory. You find yourself in the "Abo-Abu" section.

)NORTH
You head north, following the directory. You find yourself in the "Abu-Aca" section.

Is this trip really necessary?

)NORTH, DAMMIT! GO NORTH AND NORTH AND NORTH UNTIL I FIND CAKE!
Fine. You go north. A lot.

)LOOK
You are in the "Cai-Cao" section.

)FIND CAKE
The directory lists several brands and types of cakes. There are even cakes listed here that you've never even heard of. Unfortunately, they are all located on the thirteenth floor.

)I MEANT UNTIL I FIND ACTUAL CAKE!
You should've said so, then. But, at least you know where they are now.

)GO TO THIRTEENTH FLOOR
There aren't any stairs here.

)FIND STAIRS
A short search of the ground floor reveals that there are stairs leading up across the room from you.

)CLIMB STAIRS TO THIRTEENTH FLOOR
You climb the stairs, but they stop at the tenth floor.

You are now on the tenth floor.

)FIND STAIRS GOING UP TO THIRTEENTH FLOOR
You don't see any stairs except for the ones you have climbed.

)LOOK
You are currently in the clothing department of the store, in the men's clothing section. The floor stretches to the north and south. On a nearby clothing rack, you see an olive green blazer that looks suspiciously familiar. The fact that the blazer is on a rack for pants bothers you only a little bit.

)EXAMINE BLAZER
You take a close look at the blazer. There is nothing really special about the blazer, except for the fact that there is a monogrammed "C. M." stitched on the top edge of the inside pocket. In pink thread.

)WAIT. THAT'S MY BLAZER?
Apparently so.

)HOW THE HELL DID IT GET HERE?
Maybe it's a programming bug?

)IGNORE BLAZER
You ignore the blazer.

)NORTH
You go north. You are now in the women's clothing section.

)LOOK CLOTHING
There are many colorful dresses and blouses hanging all over the place. A couple of dresses on a particular rack catch your eye as possible gifts.

)LOOK RACK
On the rack there is a pink dress, a white dress, and a red dress.

)LOOK PINK DRESS
It's a simple pink dress. No noticable frills. However, it's simplicity is cute in and of itself.

)LOOK WHITE DRESS
It's a nice dress. Not too simple, not too fancy. There are a couple flower designs stitched into the dress along the neckline, which you think Usagi might like.

)LOOK RED DRESS
It's a very... provocative dress, if you want to call it that. You think it might've been placed there by accident, instead of in lingerie. It's a dress that if another man saw Usagi in it, you would have to kill him.

)TAKE RED DRESS
Taken.

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Black Shirt (worn)
Dark Blue Blazer (worn)
Socks (worn)
Boxers (worn)
Black Slacks (worn)
Shoes (worn)
Love for Tsukino Usagi
Compulsive Tidyness
Weakness Against Brainwashing
Bishounen Good Looks
Junior High School Girl Magnetism
No Tea
Tuxedo
Wallet
Set of Keys
Pack of Juicy Fruit Gum
Rubik's Cube
Mini Bible
Chinese Take-Out Leftovers
Red Dress
Olive Green Blazer

)YOU KNOW, THAT BLAZER IS GETTING ON MY NERVES.
You didn't pick it up?

)NO!!
Oh. That's strange.

)DROP BLAZER
Which one?

)THE OLIVE GREEN ONE
This sentence no verb.

)DROP THE DAMN OLIVE GREEN BLAZER, ALREADY!
You drop the olive green blazer.

Your Compulsive Tidyness picks up the blazer, fits it into a hanger, and places it back on the rack where you got it from.

)THANK COMPULSIVE TIDYNESS
You thank your Compulsive Tidyness. It beams proudly.

)NORTH
You head north. You are now in the children's clothing section. You can also see a floor directory nearby. Since it's a floor directory, it's not as massive as the one on the ground floor. Thankfully.

)EXAMINE DIRECTORY
You examine the directory. It shows you where the stairs are, as well as the elevators.

)THERE ARE ELEVATORS?!
According to the directory, yes.

)WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THERE WERE ELEVATORS? I COULD'VE TAKEN ONE TO THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR!
You asked for stairs, I told you about stairs. You never said anything about looking for an elevator.

)...IF YOU WERE ALIVE, I WOULD KILL YOU.
Fortunately, I'm not.

)GO TO NEAREST ELEVATOR
You make your way to the nearest elevator.

)SAVE
Game saved.

)ENTER ELEVATOR
You run smack into the elevator doors. Ow.

)EXPERIENCE DEJA VU
A bit low on the learning curve, aren't you?

)BLOW ME, JERK.
Sorry, this is a PG-rated game.

)PRESS DOWN BUTTON
The elevator doors open with a soft mechanical whir.

)ENTER ELEVATOR
You enter the elevator.

There are several buttons here.

)LOOK BUTTONS
There are several buttons on the panel. There's one for each floor, one labeled "Close Doors," one labeled "Open Doors," one labeled "Emergency Stop," one labeled "Emergency Go," one labeled "Emergency Evacuation," and one labeled "DO NOT TOUCH!"

)EXPERIENCE DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN
You attempt to do so, but you are stopped by Yogi Berra claiming that doing so is his trademark and you're infringing upon it.

)OFFER TO PAY ROYALTIES
With what?

)LOOK IN WALLET
You look in your wallet.

Your wallet contains:

Driver's License
College Student ID
35,000 Yen
Photo of Usagi
Photo of Rei
Wild Horse brand Condom
Frequent Shopper's Card for Yumi's Express Floral Shop

)CONDOM?
You're a college student, after all.

)WAIT A MINUTE. WHY THE PHOTO OF REI?
You used to date, but you broke it off after you started going out with Usagi.

)BUT WHY IS THE PHOTO STILL THERE?
Who knows? But she's cute, so who cares?

)OFFER YOGI SOME MONEY
He snorts. "I don't take Japanese money. You got anything else?"

)OFFER YOGI PHOTO OF REI
He frowns. "You think I'm some sort of pedophile or something?"

)OFFER YOGI OLIVE GREEN BLAZER
You don't have an olive green blazer.

)DAMN. THE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY WANT IT.
He starts to get impatient. "Look, I haven't got all day."

)OFFER YOGI LEFTOVERS
"Hey! I was starting to get a little hungry. Thanks!" He takes the leftovers and leaves the way he came.

You hear the sound of someone becoming violently ill somewhere.

)FEIGN IGNORANCE
Is that any way to treat a baseball legend?

)PRESS CLOSE DOORS BUTTON
The elevator doors close.

)PRESS BUTTON FOR THIRTEENTH FLOOR WHILE AVOIDING 'DO NOT TOUCH' BUTTON AT ALL COSTS
A cheery voice announces over the PA system, "Thank you for pressing the 'Do Not Touch' button. This elevator will now self-destruct. Have a nice day."

The elevator explodes before you even have a chance to say "Thank you."

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)HEY!!
Just kidding.

The elevator whirs to life as it slowly ascends to the thirteenth floor. The door opens with a pleasant sounding ding.

)EXIT ELEVATOR
You exit the elevator.

You are now on the thirteenth floor.

)FIND CAKE
You start looking around for some cake. Surprisingly, most of this floor is old and decrepit, almost like no one's been up here in years. Half of the lights aren't working and a lot of the shelves are empty. Most of what is there is covered in a small layer of dust. There's a doorway that leads to another room at the north end of the room and at the south end. The north end room seems as dimly lit as this one; however, the south end room seems completely dark.

)SAVE
Game saved.

)GO NORTH ROOM
You enter the north room.

)SEARCH FOR CAKE
You start searching the room for cake. The shelves seem as empty as the ones in the other room, and just as dusty. During your search, you notice that there is something written on the wall at the other end of the room.

)READ WRITING
You cross to the other end of the room and examine the writing. The words look as though they were written in blood. The words say, "THE CAKE IS A LIE!"

As you ponder why this is written here, you are eaten by a grue.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)I THOUGHT GRUES COULDN'T STAND THE LIGHT?
This one was wearing Blublockers.

)...
They were on sale on the seventh floor.

)...
What?

)WORDS JUST CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I HATE YOU.
You flatter me, good sir.

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)GO SOUTH ROOM
You enter the south room.

)SEARCH FOR CAKE
You start searching the room for cake, but it's difficult because the room is completely dark.

As you fumble around the darkened room, you are eaten by a grue.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)IT'S A TRAP!
Don't be ridiculous.

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)GO SOUTH ROOM
You enter the south room.

)LOOK FOR LIGHT SWITCH
You feel around the wall for a light switch and find one near the entrance.

)TURN ON LIGHTS
You flip up the light switch and the fluorescent lights flicker to life as several shadowy figures rapidly retreat.

)SEARCH FOR CAKE
You start searching the room for cake. The shelves seem as empty as the ones in the other room, and just as dusty. During your search, you spot a floor directory on the other side of the room.

)LOOK FLOOR DIRECTORY
You cross the room and examine the floor directory. The directory is also covered in a layer of dust. The floor directory lists several types of cakes and other baked goods in one section, while another section lists such items as domesticated grues, NS-5 robots, and mogwai.

)...
You can probably guess what eventually happened.

Oh, and near the bottom of the directory, you can see a piece of paper tacked to the directory.

)EXAMINE PAPER
The paper appears to have less dust on it than the rest of its surroundings. The paper says the following: "We have moved! Our thirteenth floor is now at the following location!" The rest of it is too faded to read.

)GO FIGURE.
Do you want to keep looking?

)SCREW THAT! I'VE GOT A PRESENT; I CAN GET A CAKE ELSEWHERE.
True enough.

)EXIT TOKYO MEGA SUPER STORE OF STUFF
There is no exit here.

)NORTH
You head north into the main room.

)ENTER ELE... PRESS DOWN BUTTON
The elevator doors open with a soft mechanical whir.

)ENTER ELEVATOR
You enter the elevator.

There are several buttons here.

)PRESS CLOSE DOORS BUTTON
The elevator doors close.

)PRESS BUTTON FOR GROUND FLOOR
The elevator whirs to life as it slowly descends to the ground floor. The door opens with a pleasant sounding ding.

)EXIT ELEVATOR
You exit the elevator.

You are now on the ground floor.

)EXIT TOKYO MEGA SUPER STORE OF STUFF
You attempt to exit Tokyo Mega Super Store of Stuff, but are stopped by a cashier.

"Excuse me, sir," she says as she stares at you. "Aren't you going to pay for that?" She points at the red dress.

)PAY FOR DRESS
The cashier scans the tag on the dress. "20,000 yen, hun," she says as she smiles and winks at you.

)WINK BACK
You wink back, your Bishounen Good Looks causing her to blush. "Flirt all you like; it's still 20,000 yen."

)GIVE CASHIER 20,000 YEN
You pay the cashier, who takes the money, then hands you a receipt and the dress. "For an extra 750 yen, we can gift wrap that for you," she offers while smiling again.

)SAY "YES, PLEASE GIFT WRAP THE DRESS."
"No problem, hun," she says as she takes the dress, grabs a box, and rapidly wraps the dress up in fancy wrapping paper. "There you go. That's 750 yen, please.

)GIVE CASHIER 750 YEN
You pay the cashier, who takes the money, then hands you a receipt and the gift-wrapped box. "Thanks and have a nice day, cutie!" She says as she smiles and winks at you again.

)EXIT TOKYO MEGA SUPER STORE OF STUFF
You exit Tokyo Mega Super Store of Stuff.

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Black Shirt (worn)
Dark Blue Blazer (worn)
Socks (worn)
Boxers (worn)
Black Slacks (worn)
Shoes (worn)
Love for Tsukino Usagi
Compulsive Tidyness
Weakness Against Brainwashing
Bishounen Good Looks
Junior High School Girl Magnetism
No Tea
Tuxedo
Wallet
Set of Keys
Pack of Juicy Fruit Gum
Rubik's Cube
Mini Bible
Gift-Wrapped Box
Receipt for Red Dress
Receipt for Gift Wrapping
Olive Green Blazer
Wallet contains:
Driver's License
College Student ID
14,250 Yen
Photo of Usagi
Photo of Rei
Wild Horse brand Condom
Frequent Shopper's Card for Yumi's Express Floral Shop
Gift-Wrapped Box contains:
Red Dress

)I THOUGHT YOU SAID I DIDN'T HAVE THE OLIVE GREEN BLAZER!
You do now.

)HOW THE HELL DID I GET PAST THE CASHIER WITH IT?
Isn't it yours?

)I NEVER PICKED IT UP!
Details, details.

)FIND TRASHCAN
You see a trashcan in a corner.

)PUT OLIVE GREEN BLAZER IN TRASHCAN
You stuff the olive green blazer into the trashcan.

)PUT BOTH RECEIPTS IN TRASHCAN
You throw away your receipts.

)EAST
You head east. You find yourself in front of a large shopping center.

)EAST
You head east.

Outside Mamoru's Apartment

You are standing outside of your apartment complex. The street you are standing on runs east and west. To the east is more of Downtown Tokyo. To the west is a shopping center.

)LOOK APARTMENT COMPLEX
It's several stories up and very-expensive looking. There's a revolving door that leads to the lobby, while a path off to the side leads to the underground parking area. Staring up at the towering complex, you can't help but think that the average college student could never afford to live in a place like this.

)SO, HOW DID I END UP A PLACE LIKE THIS?
The same way that the Kinos got their place.

)WHICH IS?
None of your business.

)IT'S MY APARTMENT, DAMMIT! IT IS MY BUSINESS!
Fine. It appeared out of thin air through a plot hole in the sky.

)...SMARTASS.
Flatterer.

)GO TO PARKING AREA
You follow the path down below ground into the parking area for your apartment complex.

Underground Parking Area

You are in the Underground Parking Area for your apartment complex. There are several vehicles parked here, lined up in neat little rows. The area is well-lit, and several parking spaces are numbered, indicating reserved parking spaces; one for each apartment. Further down, you can see unmarked parking spaces in a slightly less well-lit area.

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Black Shirt (worn)
Dark Blue Blazer (worn)
Socks (worn)
Boxers (worn)
Black Slacks (worn)
Shoes (worn)
Love for Tsukino Usagi
Compulsive Tidyness
Weakness Against Brainwashing
Bishounen Good Looks
Junior High School Girl Magnetism
No Tea
Tuxedo
Wallet
Set of Keys
Pack of Juicy Fruit Gum
Rubik's Cube
Mini Bible
Gift-Wrapped Box
Wallet contains:
Driver's License
College Student ID
14,250 Yen
Photo of Usagi
Photo of Rei
Wild Horse brand Condom
Frequent Shopper's Card for Yumi's Express Floral Shop
Gift-Wrapped Box contains:
Red Dress

)EXAMINE SET OF KEYS
Your keyring contains two keys. One looks like a car key, maybe to a Porsche, the other looks like it belongs to a Kawasaki motorcycle.

)I HAVE A PORSCHE?
Looks like it.

)AWESOME!!
You do realize that this is just a game, right?

)LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT.
Fine.

...done, yet?

)I'M GOOD.
Whatever.

)FIND MY PARKING SPACE
You walk down the row, looking for your apartment number. It doesn't take long before you find it, and your Porsche, sitting between perfect replicas of the Mach 5 and the Batmobile from that American '60s TV series.

)I HAVE SOME VERY STRANGE NEIGHBORS.
No kidding.

)GET IN MY PORSCHE
The door is locked.

)UNLOCK DOOR
Which door?

)UNLOCK CAR DOOR
Which car door?

)UNLOCK MY CAR DOOR!
Which car door of yours?

)UNLOCK MY DRIVER SIDE CAR DOOR!!
All right. With what?

)AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!
You are not Charlie Brown.

)KILL PARSER
With what?

)KILL PARSER WITH BISHOUNEN GOOD LOOKS
You're handsome, but not that handsome.

)BEAT PARSER TO DEATH WITH RUBIK'S CUBE
The Rubik's Cube is unsolved. You have to solve it first before you can bludgeon someone to death with it.

And might I add, that still won't unlock your car door.

)USE KEY TO UNLOCK MY DRIVER SIDE CAR DOOR
Which key?

)USE CAR KEY TO UNLOCK MY DRIVER SIDE CAR DOOR
You unlock the car door.

)GET IN MY PORSCHE
You run smack into the car door. Ow.

)THIS SLAPSTICK NONSENSE IS GETTING OLD REAL FAST.
Then stop trying to walk through doors. You're in the wrong anime for that kind of thing.

)OPEN CAR DOOR
Which car door?

)OPEN MY DRIVER SIDE CAR DOOR
You open your car door.

)GET IN MY PORSCHE
You climb inside your car.

)CLOSE MY DRIVER SIDE CAR DOOR
Done.

)SAVE
Game saved.

)INSERT CAR KEY INTO IGNITION
Done.

)TURN CAR KEY
You turn the car key and your car's engine revs to life.

You hear a persistent dinging in your car.

)LOOK CAR
You are driving a 911 Turbo Cabriolet, a 6-cylinder, 480 horsepower, bad boy that goes 0-60 in 3.8 seconds. Six-speed manual transmission, all-wheel drive with anti-lock brakes, adjustable seats, power pretty-much- everything, 6-disc CD changer, and - most importantly of all - dual adjustable cup holders. Oh yeah, baby.

Oh, and you have a pine tree air freshener and a pair of fuzzy dice hanging from your rear view mirror. There's a city map sitting on your passenger seat, too.

)YOU REALLY WENT OUT OF YOUR WAY TO SOUND LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, DIDN'T YOU?
Shut up.

)ANYWAY, THAT DOESN'T TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT THAT DINGING NOISE IS.
No, it doesn't.

)IS THE PARKING BRAKE ON?
No.

)AM I IN PARK?
Yes.

)SHOULD I JUST GIVE UP AND GO FIND MY MOTORCYCLE INSTEAD?
Don't be a wimp.

)LOOK AT INSTRUMENT PANEL
Nothing looks out of place, except for the seat belt light being on.

)BUCKLE SEAT BELT
Done. Safety first!

The persistent dinging has ceased.

)TAKE MAP
Taken.

)LOOK MAP
It's a map of Downtown Tokyo.

)LOCATE BAKERY ON MAP
You search the map for the nearest bakery, then memorize the directions to get there.

)EXIT PARKING STRUCTURE
You back out of your space, put your car in drive, and drive out of the parking structure.

Outside Mamoru's Apartment

You are currently outside of your apartment complex. The street you are standing on runs east and west. To the east is more of Downtown Tokyo. To the west is a shopping center.

)EAST
You head east toward Downtown Tokyo.

Downtown Tokyo

This is the Downtown area of Tokyo. The streets are lined with tall skyscrapers, neon lights, and crowds of people going hither and yon, all day and night, nonstop. Truly, this is a city that never sleeps.

)GO TO BAKERY
You drive for a few minutes, taking a turn here and there, and arrive at a small shopping plaza.

There are several small shops here: House of Paint; The Chopstick Shoppe; Fish, Fish, Fish, Fish, Squid, and Fish; Roscoe's House of Chicken 'n Waffles; Yumi's Express Floral Shop; Hiroshi's Bakery; and a branch of the Nekohanten.

)PARK NEAR HIROSHI'S BAKERY
You spot an empty space near the bakery and park.

)TURN OFF CAR
Done.

)REMOVE CAR KEY
Done.

)OPEN DRIVER SIDE CAR DOOR
Door opened.

)EXIT CAR
As soon as you get out of the car, you see Naru and a couple of her friends exit Roscoe's House of Chicken 'n Waffles.

"Oh, hi, Mamoru-san," Naru waves as she recognizes you.

)CLOSE DRIVER SIDE CAR DOOR
Done.

)WAVE BACK
You wave back.

)SAY "HELLO, NARU-SAN."
"It's good to see you again," Naru says as her friends start to stare at you with a hungry look in their eyes. "Did you know that it's Usagi-chan's birthday today? She's having a birthday party at her place in a couple of hours from now."

)NOD AND SAY "I KNOW. I'M GETTING A CAKE FOR THE PARTY."
"Oh, good," Naru sighs in relief. "Last time, Minako-chan got the cake and it was a big mess. I don't even want to remember it."

Her friends continue to stare at you. One of them even starts drooling a little bit.

)BLINK
You blink.

)ASK NARU IF HER FRIENDS ARE ALL RIGHT
"Oh, them?" she replies as she glances back at them. "They're just not used to being around someone with Junior High School Girl Magnetism."

Naru shows you her No Crush on Chiba Mamoru.

"I got this from Usagi-chan a long time ago, when you two started dating," she says as she puts her No Crush on Chiba Mamoru away.

Her friends continue to stare at you. The one that was drooling quickly wipes her mouth, then huddles together with the others and starts whispering in what you can only describe as a conspiratorial manner. The looks they occasionally send you as they whisper send tiny shivers up your spine, feeling somewhat similar to the feeling you get when fighting a youma that is way, way, WAY out of your league.

)IN OTHER WORDS, IMPENDING DOOM.
More or less.

)ENTER HIROSHI'S BAKERY BEFORE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS
Like what?

)HELLO? IMPENDING DOOM?
Oh, that.

You quickly enter Hiroshi's Bakery before the girls break their huddle.

Hiroshi's Bakery

This is a simple bakery. There are several rows of breads of all different shapes, sizes, and colors available. It smells very good inside, no doubt about that. That's always the sign of a decent bakery. That and the fact that there are no scorch marks on the walls that you can see.

Hiroshi is here.

"Welcome to Hiroshi's Bakery!" he says from behind the counter. "How may I help you today?"

)LOOK FOR CAKE
You don't see any cake on display.

)A BAKERY WITH NO CAKE ON DISPLAY?
Apparently so.

Outside, you can see the girls break their huddle and stand just outside the bakery's entrance, waiting. One of them smirks and points to you, while the others give you sultry, "come hither" looks. Naru shakes her head, shrugs, and leaves.

)WHAT THE HELL? THIS CAN'T BE NORMAL.
Thank you for stating the obvious.

)LOOK JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRL MAGNETISM
For some reason, it's set to 11.

)IT HAS A SETTING?!
Yours does, at any rate.

)TURN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRL MAGNETISM OFF
You can't because someone ripped off the knob.

)FIGURES.
What now?

)I'LL WORRY ABOUT IT LATER.
Your funeral.

"Can I help you?" Hiroshi asks.

)SAY "DO YOU HAVE ANY CAKES FOR SALE?"
He nods. "Oh, yes, sir! We have every kind of cake you could ever want available."

)SAY "I WOULD LIKE A YELLOW BUNDT CAKE, PLEASE."
He blinks, then smiles apologetically. "I'm afraid we're out of Bundt cakes, sir."

)SAY "THEN, I WOULD LIKE A GERMAN CHOCOLATE CAKE, PLEASE."
He shakes his head. "We're fresh out of that today. Try again on Monday. We usually have it then."

)SAY "HOW ABOUT A NICE MARBLE CAKE?"
"Those have been backordered for two weeks now. We were expecting the ingredients this morning."

)SAY "SPONGE CAKE, THEN?"
He sighs. "Normally, yes. Our baker, who specializes in them, made a huge delivery of them to Atsugi and our van broke down before he could get back."

)SAY "COFFEE CAKE?"
He shrugs apologetically. "Sorry."

)SAY "ANGEL FOOD CAKE? DEVIL'S FOOD CAKE?"
He shakes his head. "No."

)SAY "BLACK FOREST CAKE? MILLE-FEUILLE? LAMINGTON? POUND CAKE? PARKIN? MIZUYOKAN?"
He shakes his head. "No."

)SAY "DOBOS CAKE? BUCCELLATO? DORSET APPLE CAKE? CHANTILLY CAKE? HOT MILK CAKE? TIRAMISU? SPEKKOEK? TRES LECHES CAKE? PINEAPPLE UPSIDE-DOWN CAKE?"
Once again, he shakes his head. "No."

)SAY "GOOEY BUTTER CAKE?"
Hiroshi's eyes light up. "Ah, yes! We have Gooey Butter Cake, sir."

)FINALLY. SAY "I'LL HAVE THAT, THEN."
He hesitates for a moment. "Well, sir... it's pretty gooey, sir."

)SAY "WELL, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE GOOEY, ISN'T IT?"
"But it's really gooey, sir. I think it's gooeyer than you'd like."

)SAY "I DON'T GIVE A CRAP HOW GOOEY IT IS. JUST GET ME THAT CAKE, PLEASE."
Hiroshi nods. "Very well, sir." He bends down to get the cake, but pauses before he gets halfway. He points down below the counter and exclaims, "Oh, no! The cat's eaten it!"

)...
...

)I WON'T ASK WHAT KIND OF CAT HE HAS THAT CAN EAT AN ENTIRE GOOEY BUTTER CAKE.
Good idea.

)SAY "CHIFFON CAKE? BAUMKUCHEN? SACHERTORTE? PANETTONE? RED VELVET CAKE?"
He shakes his head again. "No."

)SAY "YOU DO HAVE CAKE HERE, RIGHT?"
Hiroshi nods confidently. "Of course, sir! This is a bakery, after all. Why just look at all the breads around you!"

)SAY "I'M NOT LOOKING FOR BREAD. I'M LOOKING FOR CAKE."
"And cake we have, sir! Whatever kind you may desire!"

)SIGH
You sigh.

)SAY "FINE. DO YOU HAVE DATE AND WALNUT LOAF?"
He shakes his head. "Not today, sir."

)SAY "THEN, LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE. DO YOU HAVE ANY CHOCOLATE CAKE?"
He gives you an apologetic smile. "I'm afraid not. We don't get that much of a call for it around here."

)SAY "BUT IT'S ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR TYPES OF CAKES IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!"
He shrugs. "Not around here, apparently."

)SAY "THEN, WHAT IS THE MOST POPULAR CAKE AROUND HERE?"
"Ice cream cake!" he says proudly.

)SAY "ICE CREAM CAKE?"
He nods. "That's right. It's our number one seller!"

)SAY "FINE, THEN. DO YOU HAVE ANY ICE CREAM CAKE, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOU'RE JUST GOING TO TELL ME NO?"
Hiroshi checks around the counter, then goes into the back to check. He comes back a few moments later and shrugs. "No."

)SAY "NOT MUCH OF A BAKERY, IS IT?"
"It's the best bakery around!" he counters. "You'd be hard pressed to find one with a better selection of breads!"

)SAY "AND IF I WERE LOOKING FOR BREAD, I WOULD CARE. HOWEVER, I AM LOOKING FOR CAKE, AND THIS APPEARS TO BE A CAKE-FREE ZONE."
"You haven't asked me about Christmas cake, sir," Hiroshi points out.

)SAY "THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S JUNE!!"
"Haven't you ever heard of 'Christmas in July,' sir?"

)SIGH AGAIN
You sigh again.

)SAY "SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER?"
He gives you an expectant grin. "You might be surprised."

)SAY "DO YOU HAVE ANY CHRISTMAS CAKE?"
"No, sir. Nobody stocks Christmas cake in June; it's way too early."

)TWITCH
Your eye twitches slightly.

)SAY "DO YOU HAVE ANY CAKE HERE AT ALL?"
Hiroshi nods. "Yes, sir."

)SAY "ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?"
Hiroshi pauses, then grimaces. "No, sir. Not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time."

)BEAT HIROSHI TO DEATH WITH A LOAF OF BREAD
All the bread is freshly baked and is too soft to inflict any head trauma.

)PUNCH HIROSHI IN THE FACE. HARD.
You cock your fist back and let fly, knocking the baker off of his feet. He lands a couple of feet back, out cold. Nice hang time, too.

)LOOT HIROSHI
He isn't dead.

)LOOT HIM ANYWAY
You realize that this is morally wrong, right?

)JUST LOOT HIM, DAMMIT!
You hop over the counter and rummage through Hiroshi's pockets before he revives. Unfortunately for you, he doesn't have anything of value on him.

)DAMN.
However, upon turning around, you discover that there's a cake sitting underneath the counter with a note that says, "Hiroshi's cake. Do not sell. Do not touch. Do not pass GO. Do not collect 200¥."

)TAKE CAKE
You take the cake. In a figurative and literal sense.

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Black Shirt (worn)
Dark Blue Blazer (worn)
Socks (worn)
Boxers (worn)
Black Slacks (worn)
Shoes (worn)
Love for Tsukino Usagi
Compulsive Tidyness
Weakness Against Brainwashing
Bishounen Good Looks
Junior High School Girl Magnetism
No Tea
Tuxedo
Wallet
Set of Keys
Pack of Juicy Fruit Gum
Rubik's Cube
Mini Bible
Gift-Wrapped Box
Hiroshi's Cake
Wallet contains:
Driver's License
College Student ID
14,250 Yen
Photo of Usagi
Photo of Rei
Wild Horse brand Condom
Frequent Shopper's Card for Yumi's Express Floral Shop
Gift-Wrapped Box contains:
Red Dress

)LOOK HIROSHI'S CAKE
It's a lovely carrot cake with white frosting. In the back of your mind, you remember that Usagi absolutely detests carrots.

)MAYBE I CAN TELL HER THAT IT'S A SPICE CAKE?
You'd trick your own girlfriend?

)BUT, I WENT THOUGH SO MUCH TO GET IT! BESIDES, IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, RIGHT?
The same kind of though that went behind choosing that red dress?

)WELL...
Uh-huh.

)LOOK ENTRANCE
There are several junior high school girls outside of the bakery's entrance, apparently waiting for you to exit so that they may attack. The one in the front licks her lips hungrily, while another one mouths the words "call me" and winks suggestively. Two more eye you in such a manner that makes you think that they're suggesting a possible threesome, and another is playing with the buttons of her school uniform, which is almost half undone as it is.

And these are just the ones in the front of the mob.

)IS IT JUST ME, OR ARE THERE MORE THERE THAN WHEN I CAME INTO THE BAKERY?
Don't ask me; I never bothered to keep track.

)YOU'RE THE PARSER. IT'S YOUR JOB.
Whatever.

)LOOK JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS
They look like normal junior high school girls, except for the fact that many of them have been whipped up into a hormonal frenzy for some reason. Seeing the girls out there remind you of how sharks and piranhas act once there is blood in the water.

)SAVE
Game saved.

)EXIT BAKERY
The moment you step out of the bakery the mob of junior high school girls pounce upon you. You feel yourself being pulled in several directions at once as the girls fight over you, until you are finally ripped in two.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS ARE SCARY.
Death by junior high school girl attack. How embarrassing.

)SHUT UP.
Maybe you should just quit while you're ahead?

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)WAVE PACK OF JUICY FRUIT GUM AT GIRLS
The junior high school girls seem mesmerized at the pack of gum in your hands.

)OPEN BAKERY DOOR AND THROW PACK OF GUM AND YELL "GO GET IT!"
You crack open the door just enough to fling the gum and yell. Most of the mob chase after the gum, as it has your scent on it (not to mention that the thin ones are pretty damn hungry). However, the girls that did not see the gum rush into the bakery and pounce upon you. You feel yourself being pulled in several directions at once as the girls fight over you, until you are finally ripped in two.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)GIVE JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRL MAGNETISM TO HIROSHI
You drop the Junior High School Girl Magnetism on Hiroshi. It bounces on his head and lands in his inventory, but doesn't wake him up.

Outside, the mob loses interest in you and focuses on Hiroshi instead. The poor bastard.

)OPEN BAKERY DOOR
You open the door to allow the mob of girls to have at Hiroshi. However, in their eager rush, they knock you to the ground. You are trampled to death underneath the shoes of dozens of junior high school girls. Your only consolation is that you had a wonderful view before you died. If only some of them had not chosen to wear heels that day...

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)GIVE JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRL MAGNETISM TO HIROSHI
You drop the Junior High School Girl Magnetism on Hiroshi. It bounces on his head and lands in his inventory, but doesn't wake him up.

Outside, the mob loses interest in you and focuses on Hiroshi instead. The poor bastard.

)OPEN MINI BIBLE
You take out the Mini Bible and crack it open to a random page.

)HOLD THE MINI BIBLE OUT IN FRONT OF ME
Done.

)OPEN BAKERY DOOR AND EXIT WHILE SHOUTING "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"
You are not Catholic.

)JUST DO IT!
Fine. You do so. As you shout, many girls flinch away from the Mini Bible as if burned. You manage to inch your way out of the bakery without any harm.

Behind you, you can hear the sound of someone getting pounced on.

)LOOK
You are in a small shopping plaza. There are several small shops here: House of Paint; The Chopstick Shoppe; Fish, Fish, Fish, Fish, Squid, and Fish; Roscoe's House of Chicken 'n Waffles; Yumi's Express Floral Shop; Hiroshi's Bakery; and a branch of the Nekohanten.

Your car is here.

)LOOK FREQUENT SHOPPER'S CARD
It is a Frequent Shopper's Card for Yumi's Express Floral Shop. It says that for every ten single-stem roses you buy, you get the eleventh free. There are ten rows of ten white boxes with an eleventh pink box at the end of each row. Nine rows are filled with 'X' marks, while the tenth row has all of its white boxes crossed out.

)ENTER YUMI'S EXPRESS FLORAL SHOP
You enter the floral shop.

Yumi's Express Floral Shop

This is a simple floral shop. There are several different kinds of flowers here, and in all kinds of arrangements. From single-stems to bouquets to sprawling arrangements, if you need a particular kind of arrangement and you need it fast, you can get it here.

Yumi is here.

"Ah, Chiba-san, it's good to see you again," Yumi greets you as you walk in. "Are you here for your usual?"

)SHOW YUMI THE FREQUENT SHOPPER'S CARD
She smiles. "Yes, I'll be glad to get you one." She reaches over and picks out a single red rose from a vase of roses and offers it to you. "Here you are."

)TAKE ROSE
You take the rose as Yumi takes your Frequent Shopper's Card and crosses out the last box. She then reaches next to the register and picks up a new Frequent Shopper's Card.

"Here you are, Chiba-san," she says with a smile. "This is your sixteenth card this year. Thank you for being such a loyal customer," she adds with a polite bow.

)TAKE CARD
Taken.

)BOW BACK
You bow politely in return.

)EXIT FLORAL SHOP
You exit Yumi's Express Floral Shop.

)WOW. THAT WAS UNEXPECTEDLY EASY.
What, you mean you WANTED something to happen in there? I can still arrange it, you know.

)NO, NO! THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.
Suit yourself.

)OPEN MY DRIVER SIDE CAR DOOR
You open your car door.

)GET IN MY PORSCHE
You climb inside your car.

)CLOSE MY DRIVER SIDE CAR DOOR
Done.

)BUCKLE SEAT BELT
Done. Safety first!

)INSERT CAR KEY INTO IGNITION
Done.

)TURN CAR KEY
You turn the car key and your car's engine revs to life.

)GO TO USAGI'S HOUSE
You back out of the parking space and drive to Usagi's house.

Outside Usagi's House

This is the house that we've all seen in the anime and manga so many times that we don't really need a description for it.

Makoto is here.
Rei is here.
Minako is here.
Artemis is here.
Naru is here.
Shingo is here.
Ikuko is here.

)PARK CAR ALONG CURB
You find a place along the curb where you can park and stop there.

)TURN OFF CAR
Done.

)REMOVE CAR KEY
Done.

)OPEN DRIVER SIDE CAR DOOR
Door opened.

)EXIT CAR
You get out of your car.

)CLOSE DRIVER SIDE CAR DOOR
Done.

)WAVE HELLO
You wave hello to everyone.

"Hi, Mamoru-san!" Minako says as Makoto, Rei, Naru, and Shingo head inside after waving back. "Ami-chan and Ryo-kun are already inside, helping Usagi-chan's Dad set up. Usagi-chan's Mom and I are to play interference if Usagi-chan's Dad becomes too hostile toward you. Again."

"It's still taking him some time to get used to you," Ikuko explains. "After all, to him, Usagi's still his little girl."

)NOD AND SAY "I UNDERSTAND."
"Good," she says as she gestures for you to precede her.

)ENTER USAGI'S HOUSE
You enter Usagi's House.

Usagi's Living Room

You are in Usagi's House, in the Living Room. Once again, we know what this place looks like so no descriptions are needed here.

Ami is here.
Rei is here.
Makoto is here.
Minako is here.
Ryoku is here.
Luna is here.
Artemis is here.
Naru is here.
Shingo is here.
Ikuko is here.
Kenji is here.

There are some candles on the table.
There is a pile of presents on the table.

Kenji notices you and frowns. Ikuko says something to him, which causes him to look at you again and sigh in defeat. However, he does continue to glare at you.

)GIVE RUBIK'S CUBE TO AMI
Given.

"I love these puzzles!" Ami says and starts trying to solve it.

)SET HIROSHI'S CAKE ON TABLE
You set the cake on the table.

)PUT CANDLES ON CAKE
You pick up the candles and put them on the cake in a circular pattern.

"Usagi!" Ikuko yells up the stairs. "Come down! We're about to light your cake!"

"Coming!" Usagi replies as you hear her leaving her room and closing the door behind her.

)LIGHT CANDLE
With what?

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Black Shirt (worn)
Dark Blue Blazer (worn)
Socks (worn)
Boxers (worn)
Black Slacks (worn)
Shoes (worn)
Love for Tsukino Usagi
Compulsive Tidyness
Weakness Against Brainwashing
Bishounen Good Looks
No Tea
Tuxedo
Wallet
Pack of Juicy Fruit Gum
Mini Bible
Gift-Wrapped Box
Single-Stem Rose
Olive Green Blazer
Wallet contains:
Driver's License
College Student ID
14,250 Yen
Photo of Usagi
Photo of Rei
Wild Horse brand Condom
Frequent Shopper's Card for Yumi's Express Floral Shop
Gift-Wrapped Box contains:
Red Dress

)SET OLIVE GREEN BLAZER ON FIRE AND USE IT TO LIGHT CANDLES
Yeah, right.

)USE HEAT FROM KENJI'S GLARE TO LIGHT CANDLES
Done. The candles are now lit.

Usagi arrives from upstairs.

)LOOK USAGI
She's wearing a nice white and pink dress. It's very cute on her. Your Love for Tsukino Usagi swoons.

Everybody starts singing "Happy Birthday" to Usagi.

)SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY
You join in singing "Happy Birthday" to Usagi. Usagi gets all choked up as she goes over to the table where the cake is. once the song ends, she blows out the candles.

)ASK USAGI IF SHE MADE A WISH
"Of course I did, Mamo-chan," she replies with a small smile as she blushes.

Kenji starts to stomp over toward you, but Ikuko and Minako start talking to him, distracting him from you two. Ami is still working the Rubik's Cube.

"Start opening you presents, Usagi-chan!" Makoto suggests as Ryoku starts cutting up the cake and serving pieces.

"Which one should I open first, Mamo-chan?" Usagi asks you.

)HAND USAGI A PRESENT
Which one?

)LOOK PRESENTS
Each present is wrapped differently, but it's easy to tell them apart because they all have tags with the name of the giver on it. There's one from her parents and Shingo, one from Naru, one from Ami, one from Rei, one from Makoto, one from Minako, and one from Ryoku.

)HAND USAGI HER FAMILY'S PRESENT
She quickly tears into the present. It's a 5000¥ gift card to Roscoe's Chicken 'n Waffles.

"Yay, waffles!" Usagi exclaims happily.

)HAND USAGI AMI'S PRESENT
She quickly tears into the present. It's a new graphing calculator. She seems hesitant to say anything before you overhear Ryoku whisper to her that he knows how to program games into it.

"Yay, calculator!" Usagi exclaims somewhat happily.

)HAND USAGI REI'S PRESENT
She quickly tears into the present. It's a new copy of some manga called 'Toki Meca!'

"Yay, manga!" Usagi exclaims happily.

)HAND USAGI MAKOTO'S PRESENT
She quickly tears into the present. It's a book titled "Cooking For Dummies: Cooking for the Rest of Us!"

"Yay, cooking!" Usagi exclaims, slightly unsure about the "For Dummies" part.

)HAND USAGI MINAKO'S PRESENT
She quickly tears into the present. It's a white dress similar to the one you saw in the Tokyo Mega Super Store of Stuff. In fact, it IS the same white dress.

"Yay, dress!" Usagi exclaims happily.

)HAND USAGI RYOKU'S PRESENT
She quickly tears into the present. It's a gift certificate for 5000¥ in free game tokens at the Crown Video Arcade.

"Yay, free tokens!" Usagi exclaims, plotting which games to play first.

)HAND USAGI NARU'S PRESENT
She quickly tears into the present. It's a beautiful necklace made up of many different colored gems.

"Yay, necklace!" Usagi exclaims, holding the necklace up to her neck to see how it would look on her.

Usagi looks at you expectantly, waiting.

)SAVE
Game saved.

)HAND USAGI MY PRESENT
She quickly tears into the present. She takes one look at the dress and blushes a deep crimson. So do the other girls. So does Ryoku. So does Ikuko. Kenji takes one look at the dress, rushes over to you, and starts throttling you. He shakes you so hard that he snaps your neck.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)MAYBE SHOWING USAGI THAT DRESS IN FRONT OF HER FATHER WAS A BAD IDEA.
You think?

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)LOOK OTHERS
Everybody is too busy eating cake and talking amongst themselves to pay you any mind. Unless you do something stupid to draw attention to yourself, that is.

)SNEAK UP TO USAGI'S ROOM WITH USAGI
You attempt to sneak up to Usagi's room; however, your attempt is thwarted as your Olive Green Blazer suddenly leaps out of your inventory and starts to drain Usagi's parents, Shingo, and Naru of their energy. They promptly collapse.

"Everyone!" Luna exclaims. "That olive green blazer must be a Youma!"

"Everyone, transform!" Artemis shouts urgently.

Usagi, Ami, Rei, Makoto, Minako, and Ryoku all quickly break out their transformation items and transform.

)LOOK TUXEDO
It's a very nice tuxedo. It's covered in light plastic. It must have just come back from the dry cleaners. There is also a sticky note on the covering telling you not to remove it until it's needed.

)REMOVE COVERING
You quickly remove the plastic covering from the tuxedo. As you do so, you somehow magically transform into Tuxedo Kamen.

)SOMEHOW?
Use your imagination or something. Point is, you're Tuxedo Kamen now.

The blazer, sensing an immediate stomping about to ensue, quickly exits stage left, out the front door.

"After it!" Jupiter shouts as she and the other Sailor Senshi follow suit after the blazer.

)OKAY. NO MORE CLOTHING PUNS FOR YOU.
Damn.

)FOLLOW BLAZER
You follow the blazer out of the house and into the front yard.

Outside Usagi's House

This is the house that we've all seen in the anime and manga so many times that we don't really need a description for it.

The Sailor Senshi are here.
An Olive Green Blazer Youma is here.
Your car is here.
A random passerby is here.

The random passerby takes one look at the blazer youma, the Senshi, and you, then takes to his heels, doing a passable impression of an Olympic- class sprinter.

The Sailor Senshi are busy tossing their attacks across the front yard, blowing up grass, plants, and accidentally frying Artemis when he got hit with a stray lightning bolt. They mostly seem to be missing.

)IMMOBILIZE THE BLAZER YOUMA
With what?

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Tuxedo (worn)
Socks (worn)
Boxers (worn)
Shoes (worn)
Black Shirt
Dark Blue Blazer
Black Slacks
Love for Tsukino Usagi
Compulsive Tidyness
Weakness Against Brainwashing
Bishounen Good Looks
No Tea
Wallet
Pack of Juicy Fruit Gum
Mini Bible
Gift-Wrapped Box
Single-Stem Rose
Wallet contains:
Driver's License
College Student ID
14,250 Yen
Photo of Usagi
Photo of Rei
Wild Horse brand Condom
New Frequent Shopper's Card for Yumi's Express Floral Shop
Gift-Wrapped Box contains:
Red Dress

)SAVE
Game saved.

)HOLD UP MINI BIBLE AND SHOUT "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"
You are still not Catholic.

)HOLD UP MINI BIBLE AND SHOUT "THE POWER OF FASHION COMPELS YOU!"
The Olive Green Blazer youma suddenly halts in its tracks, somehow frozen in place. However, it seems like it could break free at any moment.

)THROW ROSE AT YOUMA
You quickly fling the rose at the youma, stem-first, and manage to pin a sleeve to a nearby tree.

)SHOUT "NOW, EVERYONE!"
The Sailor Senshi quickly wind-up and throw their most powerful attacks.

"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!"
"Mars Flame Sniper!"
"Jupiter Oak Evolution!"
"Venus Love and Beauty Shock!"
"Knight Sonic Wave Pulse!"
"Starlight Honeymoon Therapy Kiss!"

The combined attacks strike the blazer youma, incinerating it in a puff of overkill.

"Great job, everyone!" Luna says as she goes off to resuscitate Artemis.

)DETRANSFORM
You change back to Mamoru along with everyone else.

)ENTER USAGI'S HOUSE
You enter Usagi's House.

Usagi's Living Room

You are in Usagi's House, in the Living Room. Once again, we know what this place looks like so no descriptions are needed here.

Naru is here and unconscious.
Shingo is here and unconscious.
Ikuko is here and unconscious.
Kenji is here and unconscious.

Ami enters the room.
Rei enters the room.
Makoto enters the room.
Minako enters the room.
Ryoku enters the room.
Usagi enters the room.

Ami quickly checks on everyone. "They're going to be okay. Right now, they're just sleeping."

"Great party, huh?" Ryoku says, then gets smacked upside the head by Rei while Makoto and Minako chuckle quietly.

)ASK USAGI TO COME WITH ME
"Okay, Mamo-chan!" she says brightly.

)GO TO USAGI'S ROOM
You head for Usagi's Room.

Usagi's Room

It's her room.

Usagi is here.

)HAND USAGI MY PRESENT
She quicky tears into the present. She takes one look at the dress and blushes a deep crimson. "Oh, Mamo-chan, it's beautiful. But you know if my dad ever sees me wearing this, he'll kill you. And probably me, too," she adds with a laugh. She then smiles bashfully. "Thank you for the present, Mamo-chan," she says as she leans toward you for a kiss.

)KISS USAGI
You lean forward to Usagi, but you are interrupted when Ami bursts into the room. "I solved it!" she exclaims, brandishing the Rubik's Cube. She then notices what she's interrupted. "Oh... uh..."

)TAKE SOLVED RUBIK'S CUBE
Taken.

)THANK AMI FOR SOLVING THE CUBE
"Oh... uh... you're welcome," she says, blushing in embarrassment. "Well, I'll be going now." She then turns and leaves quickly.

)KISS USAGI
You lean forward and kiss Usagi. It is deep, and it is good.

)GO ALL THE WAY
You can't do that. This is a PG-rated game.

)SCREW THAT! AFTER ALL I'VE BEEN THROUGH, I DESERVE THAT MUCH.
True, but the censors won't allow it.

)KILL CENSORS
With what?

)BEAT CENSORS TO DEATH WITH RUBIK'S CUBE
Now that the Rubik's Cube has been solved, you can easily beat all the censors to death with the red side of the Rubik's Cube. However, since the violence may be too much for some people, the description has been left out.

)OKAY, THE CENSORS ARE DEAD. NOW CAN I GO ALL THE WAY WITH USAGI?
You have my blessing. After all, I don't want to be beaten to death as well.

)THANKS.
Enjoy.

You win!

Total score: 183 points out of 210.

Game Over.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)QUIT

Disclaimer: All original materials belong to their respective owners. Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi and a bunch of big companies. No copyright infringement is intended.

Questions? Comments? Anything?
Email: jasonulloa (at) hotmail (dot) com
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Copyright© 2008 YUROANET, Jason C. Ulloa
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