The Day of Complete Randomness
I thank Kaida Kaguya. We had done this yesterday in a conversation. Uh, I don't own Naruto, Shelly from Pokemon, or Gaara of the Funk. And Kaida belongs to ...well, Kaida.
btw, if you don't like randomness fics, please don't bash.
It was a regular day in the Hidden Leaf Village. Neji and Shelly were talking about how pokemon was created. Neji had said that they fell from the sky. So, things were regular until Shelly asked the Logic Master (Neji) how she was created.
Neji shrugged. " That is simple. You are a robot, Shelly. "
Shelly rolled her eyes. " You idiot. Robots can't be emo. They don't cut themselves. And they don't listen to bands like Saliva or Alice in Chains. "
A lot of silence happened until Neji snapped a finger. " Well, you're Sasuke in drag, then. You both have obsessions over rice balls. "
The comment shot Shelly like a bullet. She ran off into the park, crying. " I WANT MY MOMMY ! "
...until she slammed herself into a stop sign. " Wait a minute. NO, I'M NOT ! I'm a girl, retard ! "
Neji shrugged. " Fine. We'll ask Tsunade-sama, then. "
" Yay ! "
The two teenagers walked over to where Tsunade lived and knocked on the door. The haggard old Hokage answered the door. " What the hell do you guys want ?! " she demanded.
Neji sighed. " Tsunade, how did Shelly get created ? "
Tsunade sweatdropped. She knew there had to be a day when somebody would ask the dreaded question of where babies come from. She gave a nervous chuckle. " Uh, it's very painful. "
Shelly's expression brightened. " Okay ! Go on ! "
" It's very sick, too. Maybe M rated material. "
Neji gasped. " I knew it ! The stork dropped her into Harley's house ! That's how she got that hideous wardrobe ! "
Shelly huffed. " No, I think she means ... THERE'S NO STORK ! "
" Yes, there is ! How do you explain Naruto's retardation ? "
" He was dropped on the head, idiot ! "
" Yeah ! The stork dropped him on the head ! "
Tsunade rolled her eyes, putting herself between Neji and Shelly before a fight began. " No, his father did. "
Shelly sweatdropped. " Neji's dad is a woman ?! " O.o
" Wait, WHAT ?! "
Neji gave another girlish gasp. " He is ?! Then...what is my mommy supposed to be ? "
" Uh, Hinata ? " Shelly suggested.
Just then, Orochimaru walked into Tsunade's house. The woman threw up on him. He shrugged. " Dude...I think I'm Neji's dad. I don't know. I've done a lot of people. "
Shelly threw up on the snake Sannin. He shrugged again. " Or...was it his grandma. I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure I'm stoned right now. "
Tsunade slapped a hand to her forehead. " Oh, God. "
The red haired girl squealed. " Really ? Who's my parents ? "
" Erm... I'm pretty sure your sister is that lowlife Ten Ten. "
Shelly sweatdropped. Tsunade shrugged. " And your dad...oh, that's Jiraiya. "
" NOT POSSIBLE ! "
" Yeah. "
Shelly scratched her head. " Who's...dare I ask...my mom ? "
Tsunade sweatdropped. " You know, I have no idea. "
Suddenly, Neji came back after drinking some soda. He O.o and pointed at Shelly. " HEY ! SHELLY CAME FROM THE SKY ! "
(Shelly) -.- " What the f--k is wrong with you, Neji ?! "
Neji grinned. " Hey, why don't you ask my wife...Hinata ?! "
" NO ! "
Tsunade chugged at a glass of sake. " Wtf ?! "
Shelly also chugged at a glass of sake. " WTF ?! "
Neji gave an even bigger grin. " Yep. We married in Kentucky. Hinata's dad even brought a loaded shotgun just to make the wedding authentically hillbilly ! "
Tsunade threw up on Orochimaru again. He gave a small groan. " Uh, Tsunade ? Are you my mommy ? "
-.- " I knew I should have died along with Dan. "
Just then Jiraiya came in with a big bottle of alcohol. " Hey ! Did someone said that they wanted to die with me ? "
Tsunade shook her head. " NO ! "
Neji bobbed his head up and down. " Yes, she did, Jiraiya-sensei ! "
" No, Tsunade said that she wanted to die with Orochimaru ! " Shelly argued.
Orochimaru pouted. " Well, I want to die with Neji. "
" I WANNA DIE WITH HARLAN ! " Shelly screamed.
Tsunade groaned. " No f--king duh. "
" SHUT THE FLIP UP ! "
Neji tapped Shelly's shoulder. " Uh, Shelly ? Can I marry you ? "
" Uh, I'm already married ? "
" With Eusine ? " Orochimaru asked.
" Ew. No. "
" The candy man ! " Neji suggested.
" WITH HARLAN ! ARE YOU THAT FLIPPIN' DENSE ! "
" Oh, yeah. I'm also married to Ten Ten. "
Unable to take any more insanity, Shelly fainted. Tsunade had on a face and sweatdropped. " WTF ?! "
Orochimaru pointed out an accusing finger. " You're a polygon, Hyuga ! "
Tsunade rolled her eyes. " ...You're such a retard. "
" Yeah ! It's poltergeist ! " Jiraiya exclaimed.
Shelly got up from her fainting spell and ate a candy bar. " YOU'RE ALL RETARDED IDIOTS ! "
" And you came from the sky ! " Neji retorted.
" No, I didn't ! I came from...well, the normal way. "
" Uh, yeah. The stork. "
Tsunade groaned. " There. Is. No. Stork. "
" Oh ! Then from Naruto ! "
Shelly threw up on Orochimaru again, who wasn't paying attention to anything. " I remember when a comic book was a penny... "
Tsunade nodded. " Yeah...those were good da-...OH, GOD ! I'M OLD ! "
" ...And when we won the Civil War. "
" We won the Civil War ? " Jiraiya asked. " Seriously ? "
" Yeah ! Pepsi won ! "
" That was your own war, idiot, " Tsunade muttered.
" No, really ! Pepsi fought Coke ! "
" I can't imagine that, " Jiraiya said, trailing off.
Neji nodded. " There was also the fight between Sprite and 7Up. We read about it in history class. "
" And then Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew ! " Shelly added.
Tsunade pouted and kicked a trash can. " I wasn't taught that ! I was taught...ninja stuff. "
" Oh, that's too bad, Tsunade-sama, " Shelly said.
Neji shrugged. " I was taught how to evade the I.R.S. "
" And I was taught 1,000+ ways to kill someone...no, wait, I taught myself that, " Shelly trailed off.
Jiraiya flung his hair into the coffee pot and grinned. " I was taught...TO DANCE ! "
" Yeah, right, " Tsunade muttered. " You can't dance for sake. "
" Hell yeah, I can ! I can take down Gaara ! "
Suddenly, Gaara stepped inside the house. " No, you can't. I'm Gaara of the Funk ! (boomch-boomch-boomch-boomch- GAARA OF THE FUNK !) No one can defeat me ! "
Neji grinned. " Yo, it's Gaara of the Funk ! "
" Yo, Neji ! Hey, everyone ! I'm married to Neji ! "
Jiraiya beamed. " I'm married to Gaara, too ! "
Tsunade threw up on Orochimaru yet again. He still didn't noticed as he rambled on. " Let's see...I still have plans with Shizune later on. "
" I REMEMBER THAT ! " Tsunade shouted.
" Yeah. We're supposed to play dice. "
" OROCHIMARU ! "
Shizune walked in. Orochimaru sweatdropped. " Or...was it supposed to be something in the bed. "
(Tsunade) O.o " Shizune, you are no longer my apprentice. "
Shizune shrugged. " No problem. I'm dating Kabuto. "
Neji coughed. " Whoa. I thought you were a lesbian. "
" Me too..." Tsunade trailed off.
" Same here, " Shelly said.
Jiraiya gasped. " Holy crap, I thought you were a walking tree ! "
Tsunade sweatdropped. " Well, I think you're all idiots. "
" I thought she was Sasuke until I checked, " Orochimaru muttered.
" You...OH, GOD ! "
Jiraiya scratched his head. " Hey, Shizune. I think I gave you herpes. "
Tsunade threw up on Orochimaru. Shizune shrugged carelessly. " Yeah. I have AIDS. "
Aido popped in the house. " YOU WHAT ?! "
Tsunade turned red. " Why the hell is everyone barging in my house ?! "
Orochimaru shrugged. " Never mind that. Shizune, you lesbian bitch ! "
" Who ? Me ? " Anko asked.
" No, Tommy. Shizune. "
" I was just sayin', cause she let me taste her blood. Shizune, I'm gonna murder you. "
" Don't be so pissed off, Anko-chan, " Shizune said. " Konohamaru got some blood from me, too ! And Tsunade ! "
" Did not, " Tsunade muttered.
" No...that was on purpose. Injection. "
" Oh...you lesbian bitch ! "
Shizune waved her away. " Plus Ino...Neji...Iruka...uh, Chucky ? "
" You mean that evil doll that goes around and kills people ? "
" Yeah. Chucky Finster, too. "
Shelly made an oh noise. Shizune continued to name her people. " Let's see...Jiraiya...Kaida... "
Kaida walked into the house, glaring at Shizune. " I DID NOT ! "
" Oh, right. That was Kimimaro. "
" Did not. "
Kaida sweatdropped. " YOU'RE BACK FROM THE DEAD ! "
" No, I'm zombified. "
" Besides, Shizune, I was helping Tsunade, " Kaida contiuned. " And I would never go out with a walking stick like yourself. "
" Oh. "
Neji pouted. " WHY ISN'T ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME ?! "
" 'Cause you're gay, " Shelly muttered.
" No, I'm not ! I have three wives ! "
" Later on, you'll have ten more "wives". "
" Yep. I just married Sakura. "
" Notice the quotes around wives. "
" Uh, duh. That's what I said. "
" IDIOT ! "
Neji grinned. " Hey, Shelly ? Wanna marry me ? I just married Kagome from Inuyasha. "
" Uh, no thanks, perv. I have a husband. "
" You're a liar, Shelly. Two words for ya - Harlan's gay. "
" That's HARLEY, and I'm not married to Harley ! "
Just then, Harlan came in wearing a pink outfit. " Helloooo, everyone ! " he lisped.
-gasp!- " HARLAN-KUN ! "
Harlan giggled. " Hey, I'm married...to Neji ! "
Shelly groaned. Tsunade patted her on the back. " It's ok, Shelly...Just do what Orochimaru did and go gay. "
" I'm not gay, though, Tsunade-sama ! "
" Then marry me, bitch ! " Neji said.
Tsunade chuckled. " This is good, " she said, eating popcorn.
" Hey ! I wanna marry Neji ! " Jiraiya exclaimed.
" O.O WTF ?! "
Neji laughed. " Let's do it ! Who's the preacher ? "
Harlan raised his hand. " GAY MARRIAGE ! "
" Yeah ! Let's do it ! " Neji cried. " I do ! "
" So do I ! " Jiraiya said.
Neji hugged Jiraiya. " Yay ! We're married ! "
Tsunade turned away. " This is too sick for me. "
" Um, am I too late ? Can I marry Neji ? " Orochimaru asked.
" Me too ! Me too ! " Shizune cried.
" ME TOOOOOO ! " Shelly screamed.
Tsunade slapped her forehead. " Am I the only one that has enough sense not to marry a thirteen year old ?! "
Ton Ton nodded. " Yep, Tsunade-sama. "
Kaida gasped. " IT CAN TALK ! "
The little pig nodded as it killed everyone except Tsunade. The woman sweatdropped. " Ton Ton, you killed Dog Girl. "
" Uh, who's that again ? "
" The girl that barely spoke. The one that went O.O. "
" Oh, Kaida ?! Eh, I'm gonna kill myself. Bye, Tsunade-sama ! "
(Tsunade) O.o " ...I'm not cleaning this up. I'm going to Moe's. "
And so the randomness day ended, with many bloody deaths and a drunken old Sannin.
Uh, I wouldn't know what to call this type of fic. All I know was that it was really random. Again, thanks, Kaida.