Title: I Wish
Rating: NC-17 (For later stuff)
Author: Rhion - the girl with rainbow hair!
Summery: I wish I was a ruler who who'd make them understand. I wish I was a stranger who understands the sky. Sequel to 'I Believe'.
Disclaimer: Me no own, you no Casue... wait.. I mean.. sue? Yeah sue. You no sue mees.
Feedback: Would be lovely.
A/N: Ahh... I couldn't leave I Believe like that. Besides - I got an evil plot bunny bouncing around in my head. And when I say evil - I mean evil! Think like the bunny Frank from Donnie Darko - sick, evil, twisted... Yet oh so fun! Don't worry, there's a happy ending in the works. I'm a freakin' sucker that way. Oh and this is unbeta'd again.
(Oooh hey I just figured out what that horizontal ruler button was for - go me!)
Caspian stared at the canopy of his bed feeling empty. Three years he was alone, three years he had to sit on a throne that no longer meant much to him. He did his duty - he ruled as fairly as he could. But every small victory in bringing the Telmarine and Narnian peoples together tasted of ashes in his mouth. For every sacrifice he was willing to make daily for his countrymen - of any ilk - the only reward he received was this cold bed.
Rolling over he tugged a pillow to his chest, wrapping himself around it as though it were Susan, closing his eyes in an attempt to recall exactly how she felt laying in his arms. The bedding of course no longer smelled like her, like them, but this was all he had to cling to. In the end everything got taken from him - everything that mattered. His father whom he'd loved, his sense of security when Miraz ordered his death, his ignorance as he found out Narnian's were alive and well, his innocence when his blade had cleaved into the first living body for the first time. And last... oh but certainly never least, no never least at all - he lost Susan. His heart. His hope. His life. His soul. His future. His Queen. With a snarl Caspian vaulted from bed unable to take it a moment longer. Uncaring of his nudity he paced, his bare feet slapping on the chilled flagstones of his floor.
"Damn you! Take you all!" reaching out and heaving a chair across the room.
A testament to how sturdy the construction was the fact that this was the tenth time that the poor piece of furniture suffered his wrath and was still intact. It was also a testament to Caspian's plight that no guard had rushed in to check the commotion. Whirling to look at the door half hoping that someone would come to distract him, his gaze slid to the floor in front of the heavy oaken door. Clenching his eyes closed as the image of Susan's legs spread, her cheeks flushed from his touches, while she moaned for him forced itself into his mind's eye.
He was going insane, slowly, surely and there was nothing he could do about it. That was his only conclusion. Every now and then he hated her, hated how he couldn't forget her laugh, the fierceness she had glittering beneath the surface of her gentleness. But it would only last a second, before it changed into a bitter and dark resentment towards Aslan. How could the great lion have planned for Susan and he to meet, to fall in love, and then tear them apart? Aslan had left immediately after the crowd had dispersed, not allowing Caspian the time to make his case to Him. Even so Caspian had kept faith with his duty to Narnia and to Aslan - but it didn't mean he had to like it.
Unaware of the fightful sight he made when in one of his rages, Caspian opened his door to order the guard there, "Get me the Professor."
"At once Majesty," it was curt and carried out immediately.
That's what he had to do, Caspian realized - he had to make Aslan understand what he was going through. Because even as infuriated as he was, Caspian noticed the flash of fear in his sentry's eyes, the normally gentle and kind ruler by day now almost a tyrant by night. A moment of shame almost brought Caspian back to reality, back to a point where he would go back and lay in that empty bed, and force himself to live another day on duty alone. But the anger came roaring back in a second, shoving aside the shame - because it was Aslan who should be ashamed! Ashamed at His cruelty! Humiliated by His wrongdoing! Mortified by His shortsightedness!
Without noticing it Caspian was stomping from one end of his chambers to the other, shouting all this aloud, tears of anger leaving hot tracks down his cheeks. It was only when the loud knock on his door startled him from his internal rampage did he stop, arms flung in the air gesticulating to no one and no thing at all. Suddenly he was glad that most of this end of the hall remained empty at all times, and tried to gather himself into some semblance of calm.
"My liege," Dr. Cornelius opened his door, taking in his state and the state of his rooms. "You called?"
Clearing his throat, Caspian picked up the abused chair he'd thrown earlier, "Yes Professor, I did." Waving to the chair, "Please sit Professor, I am sorry to have awoken you at this hour."
Dr. Cornelius nodded, turning a blind eye to Caspian's state, for which Caspian was grateful, "My boy, it is no trouble at all. You know that I am ever at your disposal. Particularly when your mind is troubled."
Caspian growled at the fresh reminder then got a reign on his temper, and started to dig in his wardrobe, throwing over his shoulder, "Aye, troubled it is." His fingers brushed over the softest of silks, and his eyes squeezed closed, trying to ignore Susan's dress hanging next to his formal doublet. Grabbing a long shirt he tugged it over his head, and was unable to help his reflexive grab for a sheer blue scarf that still held traces of her scent on them, "I miss her."
"I know my son," and Caspian was ever thankful that his one time tutor didn't play coy on the subject. "How may I help?"
Bringing the soft fabric to his nose, Caspian inhaled, a tear slipping unnoticed from his eye, "How can I bring her back? There must be some way, some thing that I can do. I must know what it is Professor. I do not think I can last much longer like this." Turning to look at him, "How could Aslan do this to me? To her? To us? I am going insane, the spiral is out of control Professor. And there is naught I can do."
"Have you thought of speaking with Aslan?"
Releasing a bitter laugh that was out of place in one so young, "Oh aye I speak to Him quite often! But He hears me not at all. His care is for His people, but it has become apparent to me that I am not one of them. For He has abandoned me." Catching the look on the older man's face, "You do not think this to be so? Then tell me, how has Aslan not left me, uncaring for the sacrifice I give daily, I live without thanks, I ask for none. I ask only for love, and yet do I receive it? No. Not at all."
"Your people love you," and before Caspian could interrupt, "And I love you, for you are the son of my heart if not my flesh. And Aslan loves you even if you can not see it."
Caspian pursed his lips, his brows low over his glittering eyes, "That is not what I mean. It is not what sustains me. The air I need to breathe is gone from Narnia, the reason for living is absent. And what of my purpose? Oh how far it has fled, to this land of Spar Oom and War Drobe."
Silence was as loud as a drum in Caspian's room, his gaze fixed on the scrap of cloth in his hand, the intricate silver embroidery catching and reflecting the moonlight. It reminded him of her eyes, so pale a blue at times to almost be silver, and others so deep and dark like the sea. Wrapping the scarf around his hand he brought it back up to his nose, savouring the subtle hints that barely clung to it. How much longer would her things still carry her perfume? Not for much more time, not if it was already so faded. And when that time came, he would only have her memory, a horn, and an empty bed to comfort him.
A broken sob wracked his once robust frame, and it just now occurred how thin he had become, for no food held any flavour any longer.
"You must go to Aslan then since He has not come to you."
His head snapped up, pinning the Professor with a stare, "To Aslan?" Something that suspiciously felt like hope started to take root in his heart, "How?"
"Aslan's Country is across the sea," Dr. Corneilous' face was tense, his gaze turned inward as he thought long and hard.
"Then that is where I shall go," Caspian got up and paced, a manic gleam in his onyx eyes. "I will make Him listen to me! One way or another, He will have to do something. For I shall not suffer this indignity another day! I am High King and that is that! He ceded me control of Narnia then that means I deserve something, and He shall grant it for there is nothing that will ever stop me!"
AN: Thank you all for those who reviewed the first part of this 'I Believe', it's very appreciated! So don't worry, while there's some angst here, it's got some light at the end of the tunnel. Next chapter starts with either Edmund or Susan (haven't decided yet), but input is more than welcome, and encouraged. I do have a definate idea of where all this is going and whatnot, so.. yeah...
PS: The summary's are taken from the song's "I Believe" and "I Wish" by Franke Potente (Run Lola Run).