Hey, everybody. I'm Becky and this is my first twilight fanfic. It is about Bella's mind being very private because she lost a part of her openness and light heartedness when her first love broke her heart. She tried to forget her past love by ignoring all her memories and moving to forks . The story is about what happens when that stops working out.

Her first love was a woman -ergo Bella is bisexual in this story --don't like that? -don't read!!

Please read and review cause I'm still new to this and don't know what I'm doing wrong and what I'm doing right!!

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does. But the new character in this story is mine!

The song is Better than be- hinder. I don't own that either :(


--Chapter 1 - Memories hurting me-

"I'll be back tomorrow morning, I promise you my love" his eyes pleaded with me to let him go. He needed to go hunting I knew , I could tell from the color of his eyes, but still I wanted him to stay. I was in a weird mood since school started on Monday. Edward blamed school for me feeling sad, sometimes even miserable but I didn't think so, but since I came up with no reason for it I decided to ignore it until it went away.
I could ignore a lot of things when I wanted to : the cold when I lay in Edwards arms for more than a few minutes, the questioning looks my father gave me every now and then when he noticed that Edward was "different", the self-centeredness of Renée's emails, hell, I could even ignore Lauren making up rumours about how I got Edward to stay with me - her newest theory , by the way, is that I pay him with money I stole -not really creative - I know.

But I couldn't ignore the fact that the whole Cullen family -including Edward-- were going to leave me alone in Forks for well…how long?

"when will I see you again?" I asked.

"Bella, its not that long, you will see me tomorrow in school again. that's less than 20 hours -"which will feel like a lifetime" I cut him off.

"Bella" He pleaded, looking me directly in the eyes " I'm going to miss you too, but I have to leave now -I don't want to put you in any danger. It's been 2 weeks and…" he trailed off. "I have to leave now, okay?" "M-hm" I nodded , maybe this few hours were manageable . "It's okay. You can go…but I don't like it " for my acceptance I was rewarded with my favorite smile.

"Me neither, Bells"

"I love you" he whispered before he leaned in to kiss me. The kiss was too short and too chaste for my liking but what could I do about it? I didn't have nearly enough power to force his face closer, and even if I did, it wouldn't be right. He was hungry so I shouldn't make being with me any harder now.

" I love you too, bye"

"Bye Bella" with that he was out of the window and in his Volvo. When I saw the car speed away, I sighed . what was I going to do with my time? I could cook something really complex with time-consuming preparation for Charlie, something new.

I was already reaching for my cooking-book in the shelf when I remembered that it was Thursday and Charlie wouldn't be home for dinner because Simon, one of his colleagues, was celebrating his birthday with a big barbecue.What else was there to do? the house was clean, the cloths washed, even ironed already. Nothing left to do but homework. Great. What could I start? Trig. lovely..

When I had finished my work, though survived my torture would be more accurate , it was only 4.30. Had I only killed little more than one hour? I had even enlarged on my dialogue analysis for literature . I had absolutely no homework left. Maybe my watch was broken. I looked at my clock an my bedside table. iIt said 04:31 PM . I guessed the teachers agreed on the concept of a slow start and usually I would have thanked them for that but not today.

How could I kill at least 5 more hours before going to bed?
I had no idea and decided that maybe some music might inspire me. I turned on the radio and listened to a part of an all too familiar song

I told myself I won't miss you

But I remember

What it feels like beside you

I really miss your hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes

And I think you should …

I couldn't stand it any more and pressed the off button on my remote as hard as I could. Crying I tried to push the memories away, I tried to lock the pictures inside my head again.

I failed.
All those barriers I had built up to forget her…the song had broken them.
There was nothing I could to but cry.

I closed my eyes and saw her face right in front of me.I saw her sparkling blue eyes closing and her red curls falling -one, then another, then another into my face and I heard her heart beat accelerate as she leaned in to kiss me.
I remembered the softness of her lips on mine and the way her tongue tasted .
I even flushed as I let the song remind me of the taste of her skin and the way she always made my heart stop for a second by kissing my chest.
I recalled what her laughter sounded like in my ear and how much she giggled when I tried to tickle her.


My first kiss,

my love,

my soul and once upon a time my everything when I was her's.

My beautiful Simone.

Then the memories changed and I could see sadder moments, hurting my inside, my heart, my everything. I remembered the moments of the end of that summer, the disappointment ,the rejection, the heartache, my tears all the reasons I didn't want to remember , the reasons I had locked everything up inside my head, constantly ignoring my past.

I lied down on my bed and cried. When the images in my head finally stopped -the kisses, the hugs, the happy times, the loneliness, the tears, the desperation -I was still sobbing, my heart ached like it had only once before and I started to feel the helplessness again. The helplessness I hadn't felt since I had moved to Forks. It was there and it was angering me, hurting me.

I had loved her with all my heart, with my whole being.
And for a short amount of time she had returned these feelings.
Then she had fallen for someone else.
Fallen for a boy and destroyed my world.

When I thought about the day she told me it was over it suddenly hit me. Today was the 18th of august, I had started feeling unwell on august 15th -the beginning of school and the "anniversary" of her breaking up with me.

Even though I had suppressed all the memories and all my feelings for her when I had moved to Forks my subconscious seemed to remember very well.It also seemed to have a perfectly accurate sense of time to throw all kinds of negative emotions on me on the exact date in august .Damn it.