Disclaimer: The author takes absolutely no stake or claim on any characters mentioned in the story.
Warnings: Shounen-ai bridging to yaoi, mild language, crossdressing.
A/N: I was bored, okay? I know it sucks. Sue me.
If you can catch all the pop culture references, PM me a list of them. If you catch them all, I'll consider a fanfic request or idea of yours.
Uki's Yaoi Fairytale:
Little Red Riding Kouichi
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a boy and his mother in a little cottage conveniently placed somewhere in the middle of a very dangerous forest so that this story could take place. The boy and his mother were very poor, but very rich in happiness, and saw no need to ever leave their comfy little cottage but for one reason. A mile or two away lived the boy's grandmother, who frequently fell ill. Whenever she was unwell, the mother would send her boy to care for his grandmother with lots of sweets and goodies to pamper her with, and the mother would always say to the boy,
"Now, dear, the forest is very dangerous. There are lots of strangers and strange things within it that you should be cautious of. Never stray from the path, and never talk to strangers, no matter how interesting they are! If you do, who knows what could happen! Witches could kidnap you to steal your heart to reincarnate a mad scientist in the form of your best friend, mentally disturbed British barbers with silver blades may seek revenge on you for a wrong you never committed, or anthromorphic wolves may molest you while at first taking on the appearance of humans!"
And the boy would say to his mother, "Mother, I'm fifteen years old, and it'll take me like twenty minutes to reach Grandma's house by bike."
And the mother would sigh, and she would say, "Oh, I knew you shouldn't have taken those martial arts lessons after seeing that animated movie. They've gone straight to your head."
And the boy would say, "Mother, I can't use martial arts while on a bicycle anyway, so that has nothing to do with it. Honest though: nothing bad will happen."
Of course, nothing bad ever did happen. But it would be very boring to tell a story in which nothing at all happens, and the boy safely makes it to his grandmother's house with a basket of goodies that they then eat together. And it would be just as boring detailing the boy's boring adventures of traveling back to his and his mother's cottage with an empty basket, only for him to go to bed as soon as he gets home and for nothing exciting to happen. Therefore, the boy will be having some extremely bad luck in order to make the story more interesting, and if not for some kind of godly intervention, the boy may have actually continued on into his otherwise nonfascinating little life.
One day, the mother received word from the grandmother; she has fallen ill, again, and would the dear boy come bring her some sweets? While in her head, the mother was thinking, why must you get sick every other week?! It's very expensive feeding you sweets when you are sick! Why don't you just come live with us, you stubbornly independent old goat?
But of course, the mother said, "Of course Mother, I'll send Kouichi-chan to your little house immediately, even though you're deep in the middle of the conveniently dangerous forest that could possibly have dreadful results for my son's well-being."
And the boy would merely say, "Mother, please don't call me Kouichi-chan."
Kouichi, you see, in addition to knowing three types of martial arts, became a victim of shipping. When he went to his grandmother's house with a basket of goodies, he would not merely be Kouichi-chan, but he would spontaneously change his clothing into something extremely inappropriate for the journey in order to become, as he was known by his common name, Little Red Riding Kouichi. Upon hearing that he was to deliver sweets to his grandmother again, he quickly disappeared into his bedroom, and then erupted from it moments later as Little Red Riding Kouichi, a completely transformed person. In order to encourage shipping and to cater to the whims of fanpersons (girls and boys alike, with the whole gender equality business), he now wore an extremely short crimson skirt with a matching cloak and hood. Underneath his hood, however, his shoulder-length hair was tied up with an enormous and fluffy red bow that seemed like it would be impossible to hide in his tiny little cloak, and yet somehow did, in order to make things convenient. The only clothing on him that wasn't red, actually, were his knee-length white girly-socks, which ended in his extremely sleek and sexy red high-heel shoes that were extremely uncomfortable for walking or riding bikes in, but were just so cute; how could he not wear them?
Of course, this is how he got his name, Little Red Riding Kouichi. Little because it denoted something cute, like Ichi, (who strongly insisted he was NOT cute) Red because of the brain hemorrhage inducing amounts of red clothing he wore, and Riding because...he rode his bike to his Grandmother's. What did you think it stood for? You little hentai!
"Mother," Little Red Riding Ichi called out as he picked up his conveniently filled basket of goodies which was painstakingly filled prior to this part of the story taking place. "I'm going to Grandmother's! I'll be back in like an hour."
"Be careful!" said his mother, "The forest is very dangerous-"
"And strangers and paths and things I shouldn't do...yes Mother, I'll remember."
And Kouichi set off to begin his long and treacherous journey, which actually was not going to be all that long and treacherous thanks to his handy-dandy bicycle. Little did he know...
"Aw, man!" Little Red Riding Kouichi groaned. His bike hade a flat tire, and for some reason, he was unable to fix it! Perhaps it was just his extremely girly clothes; they prevented him from doing things like getting on your knees and pumping an air pump. Or perhaps he didn't want to bend over while using said air-pump and unknowingly reveal his undergarments. Perhaps he was just sort of lazy and didn't feel like expending any effort on fixing the problem.
"Anyway," Lil Red Ichi sighed, "I guess I should start walking. It'll take me all flippin' day to get to Grandmother's house and back."
Poor Lil' Red Riding Ichi! His day has already started off bad, and it's just going to get worse!
Or...so I hear. Maybe. Not that I'm foreshadowing or anything.
Little Red Riding Ichi began frolicking down the dirt path through the forest...well, he really didn't frolic; he sort of skipped for a few seconds, and then got bored with that, not to mention it was pain in his heels and especially difficult to deal with on a dirt road. So he actually just sort of walked, taking long steps and occasionally revealing his revealing lacy panties.
Why was he wearing panties?
Well, they were red. They completed his outfit.
Little Red Panty Kouichi revealed some more as he bent over to inspect lots of the lovely, beautiful flowers on the roadside. Oh, how nice this was! Riding his bike allowed for speed, but it never let him do all that was important in life! Smell the flowers, relish the air, get blisters on your feet...
...Yes, especially getting blisters on your feet. Poor Little Red Riding Kouichi had only been walking for half an hour when he finally had to stop and take a break, for his poor little feet were killing him! He set his basket down on the ground and painfully pulled off his tight, sexy shoes, and he massaged his aching feet. Well, the blisters were a pain in the lace-fitted ass, but they would feel better very soon! VERY soon, else this convenient effect in the story which caused the protagonist to stop disrupts the rest of the story. Lil' Red Ichi-kins sighed and let himself fall back into the lovely, pungent flowers, allowing an opening for the next plot-prodder in the story to take place.
"Oh, this is so nice and comfy and soothing to lay here! I feel very lazy," he said to no one in particular.
Unfortunately for him, someone heard him talking to himself...
"Ho ho ho," laughed a gruff voice. "A delectable little morsel, carrying other little morsels! Perhaps I shall proceed in the morseling."
"I could lay here all day," said the Red, the Sexy, and the Ichi wistfully as he crossed a leg atop the other, revealing MORE of his revealing panty-wear. "If only I could just lay here for most of the remainder of the story and not have to spend all that time walking to Grandmother's house."
"Perhaps that can be arranged." Red Riding Kouichi jerked up with a gasp of surprise; before him suddenly stood a wolf!
Actually, it was more like another boy, roughly his age, dressed in wolf accessories. Tail, ears, paws, etc.
...It was a wolf!
"Oh my!" gasped Little Red Pwnage. "It's a wolf!" he repeated, just in case you didn't catch it the second time.
The wolf bowed. "Yes, it is I! The Big Bad Kouji-Wolf. But I am not here to harm you! I am just curious...what is in your little red basket?"
"Oh...uhm..." Kouichi opened it and peeked through it. "Cupcakes, candies, cookies, lollies...lots of tasty things."
"Yum," said Big Bad Kouji-wolf as he licked his chops.
"But it's for my grandmother!" He hugged the basket close to him and glared at the wolf.
"Relax, buddy, I knew that. I just overheard your plight."
"I have very big ears...which...I'm rather sensitive about, thank you."
"Aren't those fake-"
"I am very SENSITIVE about my ears, thank you."
"Oh. Right; sorry."
Big Bad Kouji-Wolf moved in closer towards Little Red Rape Victim; he began backing away. "Like I said; relax. I'm not here to hurt you. I was just thinking...what if I took your picnic basket for you, and brought it to your grandmother now? You can dawdle as long as you want and you can catch up with us later."
"Really?" said Little Red Riding Kouichi in delight. "That would be fantastic!" Then his eyes narrowed. "Wait a second...why would you know where my grandmother lived?"
"I'm...um...her pet wolf. Yeah. My name is Wolfy. See the collar?" He pointed to his neck, where such a collar was absent.
"Oh, well, I must have left it at home. At...Grandmother's house. Yes. I also call her Grandmother. By the way, how do you get back to Grandmother's house?"
"Well," began the exceptionally gullible little sex object, "If you live with her, shouldn't you know?"
"Have you EVER heard of a dog finding his way back home after he runs away?"
"A dog that was NOT named Shadow or Chance?"
"Oh, I guess that makes sense." Kouichi happily informed him of how to get to Grandmother's house, and settled back into his flowers. "I guess I'll just sit here for an undetermined amount of time until I feel like moving again."
"Kthnx." And off went the Big Bad Kouji Wolf to deliver the Little Red Lazy Ichi's goodie basket to an elderly woman he actually did not know, because as a matter of fact, he was lying, which should have been obvious. Who would name a wolf "Wolfy?" It was just silly. They would name it "Amaterasu" or something equally as irrelevant.
Big Bad Kouji Wolf quickly came to the little cottage in the woods, for he was a wolf, and wolves are fast and whatnot. He rudely entered without knocking on the door, and the elderly woman inside sat up with a start.
"Kouichi-chan? Is that you?"
"Uh, yes Grandmother. It's me," Kouji-wolf said, trying to mimic Red of Sex's voice.
"Why are you dressed like a dog?" Grandmother peered closer at the boy, and frowned. "You don't look like Kouichi." Which was actually rather ironic considering the canon aspect of their relationship, but fanfiction can do amazing things.
"I've...uh, openly come to terms with my identity as a furry."
"Oh, that's a shame...just last week you came to terms with your identity as a cross dresser." The old woman sighed. "Next you'll be telling me you want to- wait a minute, Kouichi-chan is anti-furry!"
"Oh, what an insensitive, close-minded bas- I mean, no I'm not."
"You're not my grandson!" Irony is also put into place here. "What have you done to him?"
"The same thing I'm going to do to you! Eat you!" Kouji threw the basket on the ground and rushed at the woman, snarling and revealing his wolfish fangs, but just before he could get hold of the woman, she leapt out of bed and punched him straight in the nose!
"No one will ever hurt a grandson of mine and get away with it!" Insert irony. She assumed a defensive stance, readying for the wolf to try and overtake her again.
"Fine! I'll just like...tie you up or something...and throw you in a closet."
"You'll never get away with that!"
"I can't believe you got away with that!" she tried to yell, but her voice was muffled with a cupcake that had been stuffed in her mouth prior to this sentence taking place. Well, if you have to be gagged, the gag may as well be tasty.
"Yeah, yeah. Just sit tight." Kouji did not care for women's clothing, for he was a furry, and he would much rather have a nice, hot fursuit. But no such fursuit existed that was modeled after an elderly woman, so he forced himself to just pull on the old woman's clothing and settle into bed. He cupped his paws patiently, and awaited Lil Red Ichi Panties with a wicked grin on his face. Forget the old woman...when Red got here, he'd have lots of fun eating him, oh yes he would.
Little Red Riding Kouichi took his sweet, sweet time getting to his grandmother's. Why? Because he was lazy and he had blisters on his feet. He'd much rather ride his bike. At first he also decided to pick flowers for his grandmother, but he grew bored of that and just decided to pick off the petals, one by one, trying to decide who loved him or not.
"She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me, she loves me...not?! Mother doesn't love me?! Sure I'm the bastard child, but I thought she cared about me! Well GAWD."
In the distance, Kouichi heard a voice yelling at him: "FORGET YOUR STUPID MOTHER AND COME SEE ME BOY."
And The Rapid and The Reckless Ichi scurried along to his grandmother's house, which he finally came to, and he also entered very rudely without knocking.
"It's about time you got here!" said the person in the bed in a huff. "I'm so bored!"
"Hello Grandmother! I, uh, see you got your treats..." Said treats were all over the ground where the basket had tipped over. "I was going to bring you flowers, but, I didn't."
"That's fine, that's fine! Come closer child, and let me, uh, digest your face." Geddit? Because digest has to do with eating and it makes a funny pun.
"It's not really a pun since you aren't eating me, right Grandmother?"
"Uh, right child. I was just talking about...the licorice! Yes, tasty licorice."
Kouichi got closer to the Big Bad Kouji Wolf in Women's Clothing, and he narrowed his eyes. "Wait a minute...Grandmother, your snout is very big. Wait, you have a snout. That alone is weird."
Smooth and Sexy Kouji Wolf pulled the blanket over his mouth. "The better to smell your sweet boyness, my dear."
But Kouichi looked closer. "And Grandmother," he said, eyeing the paws clutching the blanket over his face. "What large, furry paws you have."
"The better to grope you with, my dear."
"And Grandmother..." He eyed the perk wolf ears at the top of his head. "What large, furry ears you have."
"The better to hear you moan my name, my dear."
"And Grandmother..." He pulled the blanket out of his paws, and glared at him. "What large, white teeth you have! Alright, I can buy everything else, but that I will NOT stand for! Grandmother does NOT have teeth anymore!"
"The better to nibble your tempting body parts, my dear!" Kouji-wolf sprung from the bed, and Kouichi gasped.
"It's you! Wolfy!"
"That's Big Bad and Sexy Kouji Wolf to you," he growled gleefully. "And now I will take you away and eat you up! Nomnomnom."
They stood, ready and poised to attack and defend, Lil Red Hotpants looking ready to kill and Big Rad Wolf Boy looking ready to...well, he was most certainly "ready," make no doubt about that.
"This is like something from Red vs Blue," Kouji muttered, as though in challenge. "And the kind that has nothing to do with Pokemon."
"I don't know about that; I have a team that could probably kick your ass if you have a wireless adapter hanging around somewhere."
"In your dreams, SP-User!"
"The DS is also a Nintendo product..."
"Right, I knew that."
Just then, completely unexpectedly, a woodsman came crashing through the window! Except, this was not really a very efficient looking woodsman; he really was an out of place teenager carrying an axe in a careless manner. Both are scary.
"Hello, I'm apparently supposed to come in and cause serious property damage, greater than or equal to the cost of buying a brand-new PS3 and Devil May Cry 4, for no apparent reason." He wielded his axe. "Aaand..." He glanced around. "I think I've achieved that."
"Who the hell are you?! You just broke my Grandmother's freakin' window, you dolt!"
"I am Takuya the Woodsperson, (gender equality, you know) and I'm also supposed to commit..." He pulled out a list. "Grand Larceny and manslaughter, and then I'll finally be done with the stupid scavenger hunt. What's the difference between manslaughter and murder, anyway? If you murder a man it's not manslaughter, but if you slaughter a man, it's murder?"
"Damnit, you've probably come to murder me, haven't you? The Brothers Grimm version calls for you to cut into my stomach to remove a lady who is amazingly still alive despite my inability to swallow a person whole (I'm not into vore, anyway) and the fact that she would have been killed thanks to the stomach acid eating away at her for hours."
"Okay, if that's what I'm supposed to do-" Takuya Woodspersonguy lifted his axe, right above Doomed Kouji Wolf, who cowered under it.
"But I didn't EAT the old broad-"
He was suddenly tackled from the side, and, like Grandmother like Grandson, Lil Mad Fighting Ichi began punching him in the face! "You can cross-dress in my Grandmother's clothing and you can even eat her, but NO ONE calls MY Grandmother a 'broad!'"
"You can use my axe," Takuya offered helpfully.
"Thank you." Kouichi took it, and prepared to swing it at the wolf's head, when suddenly..."
"Wait, wait, stop!" Kouji squeaked. "You're supposed to commit 'manslaughter!' You can't kill me intentionally!"
"Oh, is that it?" Takuya sighed and scratched his head. "How am I supposed to kill someone unintentionally if my intent is to kill someone?" Kouichi just threw away the axe and began shaking the Sexy Wolf.
"Where is Grandmother?! Did you really eat her?! WHERE IS SHE?"
"If I actually ate that whole woman, I'd look like I was carrying a dozen puppies right about now..."
"I heard that you vile beast!" Just then, Grandmother began hopping out of the closet, still tied up, still with frosting on her face, but looking no worse off. "That horrible wolf locked me in the closet and shoved a cupcake in my mouth, and forced me to eat it!"
"That bastard!" Kouichi said in an outrage.
"That's horrible!" gasped Takuya.
"Yeah! But, uh, I'm okay now...no harm done."
"Yay! Grandmother!" Little Red Hugging Kouichi tackled his Grandmother to the ground with little disregard for her safety. She toppled to the ground, and began gasping for breath.
"Kouichi...you idiot...I think you just-" and she stopped talking. Kouichi began shaking her.
"ALRIGHT! An unintentional killing; manslaughter!" Takuya checked it off his list, and began greedily peering around the little cottage. "Now, Grand Larceny..."
"Grandmother!" Little Boy Blue sobbed. "Why?!"
Big Bad Kouji Wolf felt bad, and he lowered his ears. His intent hadn't been to make Little Red Sexy Pants cry...he'd just wanted to play with him and have fun with him. He whimpered and crawled next to Lil Red Ichi, and he nuzzled his hand.
"Aw, dogs are always so nice for getting rid of stress..." Kouichi the Red hugged the wolf-boy and pat him on the head. "They always make all your troubles go away and make you feel happy, no matter what!"
"Sweet, score." Kouji-wolf laughed devilishly.
"What was that?"
"I mean, bark, it's so sad D: Bark." He whimpered pathetically.
"Aw, you seem like you're a tough guy, but really you're very sensitive! I guess you're not such a villainous cur after all!"
"Good, now to get you alone...and naked..."
"...I was never loved as a puppy D: Bark."
"Aw, that's so sad. Let us both alleviate our grief by overindulging in roughly four pounds of fattening goodies."
"...That. Is even better than sex."
And so Little Red Riding Kouichi and Sweet and Sensitive but Still Sexy Kouji Wolf sat down to eat their fat-inducing sweets.
"How much do bodies sell for on the black market?" asked Takuya.
"Well, kidneys are hard to come by," mused Sex-crazed Kouji Wolf. "So a kidney alone would be worth a few thousand dollars."
"Great! I'll just be taking this then..."
"You know what I don't understand?" asked Lil Oblivious Cake Eater.
"Why didn't you just stop me on the path and eat me there?"
Kouji Wolf shrugged. "Who cares? Stop playing detective and eat your strawberry cake."
"Okay!" Lil Red Ichi snuggled into Kouji Wolf. "At least now I won't have to make trips to deliver food to Grandmother like sixteen times a week! And you're just SO warm and cozy!"
"What was that?"
"Bark, I love you! :D Bark!"
Little Red Blushing Kouichi smiled. "Aw, I now love you too for some inexplicable reason! I'm glad this story wasn't just detailing a boring walk through the forest, even though I've now lost my grandmother and will probably gain several pounds as a direct result of trying to sooth my overwhelming guilt for killing her!"
"Yeah, it was a really satisfying story. It would be more satisfying if you..." Suggestive Kouji Wolf puckered his lips. "Kissed me..."
"Why on earth would I kiss you?"
"Because it would lead to something tastier."
"...So...much...virginity..." Sly and Sexy Kouji Wolf forced Little Question Marked Kouichi into a hot, yaoi-flavoured kiss, and Lil Ichi accepted it. It was the perfect way to end the story, especially when they broke, and they stared so deeply into each other's eyes...
"Wait a minute, you just want to have sex with me?! You were getting me here to molest me, weren't you?! I was all wrong about you! You're just another horn-dog furry!"
"Oh, again with the furry bashing!"
"Yeah, but it was funny. Geddit? Horn-dog. And you're a wolf. LOL."
"Awwwyeah. Ehehe. That was kind of funny."
And so the two ate sweets until they got stomach aches, ("Do you need your stomachs cut open NOW?" "NO.") and Little Not So Innocent Riding Kouichi brought home his new pet Wolfy, and while they occasionally shared a few awkward cross-dressing furry related yaoi moments together, they also lived happily ever after. Kouichi never had to go unnecessarily bring food to anyone ever again, and Kouji Wolf never again molested anyone...