Emmett's point of view
I love Christmas! Now that Esme and Carlise were here, our family was complete. The few days leading up to Christmas were spent shopping, hunting, skiing, wrestling, or just hanging at home. I even got everyone to watch a James Bond movie marathon – Rose made me quit after seven of them, but at least we saw the best ones.
It was finally Christmas eve. We were all gathered together in the parlor enjoying the roaring fire and singing Christmas carols that Edward played on the piano.
After the singing died down, Rose stood up and cleared her throat. "May I have everyone's attention please?" she asked, pausing to wait for everyone's undivided attention. "While Alice is passing out the presents from under the Christmas tree, I'd like you to wait before opening your gift until I tell you to do so." Each person received an identical looking manila envelop.
"This Christmas eve, we are all going to play a little game," Rose began to explain.
"Yes! I love games!" I shouted as I jumped up and gave Rose a quick hug.
"Honey this is a Christmas gift to you from all of us," she explained as I hugged her.
"I love Christmas! Let's start." I couldn't wait to kick ass.
"Wait, darling, this is more of a role-playing game. Everyone, go ahead and open your envelops."
Hot damn! I love this family! I love Christmas! I could barely contain my excitement as I quickly read the screenplay. I felt relieved that the dialogue was to be ad-libbed. According to Rose, if I stayed in character, I would get to watch a very special movie that she made with Bella. Everyone soon departed to change into costume. I couldn't wait to start.
Author's Notes: For this chapter only, everything in italic font is written as screen play directions. The Cullens are actually at home, wearing costumes, using props and acting out the screen play. They have all agreed to not to use their vampire powers or strength to stay true to the characters.
James Bonds with a twist (shaken not stirred) starring…
Emmett … James Bond 007
Rose … Pussy Galore
Bella … Honey Rider
Alice … Octopussy
Carlise … Gold Finger
Jasper … Mikhail, Russian spy
Edward … Maximus, an American mercenary
Act I: Secret Assignment
Location: MI6 headquarters, somewhere in London
James Bond steps into the outer office waiting to speak to M, leader of the British spy organization MI6
"James," Esme purred, reaching out to unbutton my blazer and sliding her hands to rub my chest. She wore a sexy business suit that clung tightly to her body. Her hair was piled on top of her head.
"Moneypenny, you're a feast for my eyes," I said, raking her body with my eyes.
"What about the rest of you?" She asked, yanking on my tie to draw me closer and squeezing my ass affectionately.
"Well," I said stepping back, "I'm afraid I would get arrested for misuse of government property."
"James," she said to stop me from opening the inner office door, "M is not in the office today. I was instructed to pass along your assignment to you personally. It's on this flash drive," she said showing it to me and then dropping it into her blouse where it disappeared.
I must stay in character, I must stay in character, I repeated to myself as I walked towards her.
"Moneypenny, you're full of surprises." Her arms flew up to playfully rub up and down my chest. Quickly finding the object of my desire nestled between two beautiful round breasts, I quickly took the flash drive out of her bra, placed it in my pocket and moved towards the exit.
"James, must you rush off already? I've got secrets needing to be uncovered too," she said with a sultry pout.
"Moneypenny, I'm sure your secrets could make a strong man weak with longing. I'll catch you again when I get back," I assured her as quickly made my getaway.
Act II: The Good, the Bad and the Lustful
Location: US Embassy in Moscow, Russia
James has secured an invitation to attend the American Ball, given in honor of US Secretary of State Rice's state visit to Russia to secure peace between Georgia and Russia. His mission is to break up an illegal smuggling ring dealing in Chinese-made weapons that were being shipped into Georgia. First he must locate and team up with his Russian counterpart.
"Excuse me sir," Jasper said in a Russian accent as he walked up to me, "do you have the time? My watch stopped this morning at 9:34am."
"That's odd, mine stopped at 11:38," I responded back in code and then added, "I merely put a new battery in mine, Comrade Mikhail, and then it works again."
"Smart ass," Jasper exhaled under his breath. "Listen up Bond. The man you're looking for goes by the name of Gold Finger. He's a rogue ex-CIA agent who is now in the business of smuggling weapons into Georgia. His girlfriend goes by the name of Octopussy, though we have yet to discover her role in Gold Finger's organization. Tonight, you are here to interrogate Pussy Galore, Octopussy's personal assistant and protégé. You'll find her over there, in the arms of Maximus, a notorious mercenary who does anything for the right price."
Shit, what a lot to remember, I thought to myself as I made my way towards Pussy and Maximus (which I couldn't help but nickname Maxipad in my head).
"Pardon me miss," I said suavely to the sexy lady in black sequined gown standing to the side watching the dancers, "May I interest you in a dance?"
"And you would be?" Bella prompted.
"Bond. James Bond, at your service," I said bowing slightly and taking her hand to kiss it.
"My name is Honey Rider and it would be a pleasure to dance with you, Mr. Bond." Her backless gown accentuated the sexy sway of her hips as she led me to the dance floor.
"Tell me what brings you to Moscow Mr. Bond," she said making small talk while we danced.
"Please call me James. I'm in the business of exporting Chinese-made products into Russia, so I am here to expand into neighboring states." I paused looking into her eyes before scouting the room for Pussy and Maxipad. Leading her towards them, I questioned, "And yourself Ms. Rider?"
"I'm hired to provide entertainment for single dignitaries and Heads of State," she admitted as I raised my eyebrow. Is she saying what I think she's saying? "And please call me Honey, James."
As we approached my intended target, Bella abruptly stopped us and tapped on Maxipad's shoulder.
"Would you allow me this opportunity to steal you away?" she asked flirtatiously as they waited patiently.
"Only if you forgive me for not asking you first," Edward replied smoothly, twirling her away on the dance floor.
I didn't even bother asking instead merely grabbing Rose's hand to twirl her around before I swept her into my arms to continue dancing to the song. No matter what she wore or what she called herself, she would forever be my heart, soul and best friend. She wore a flattering gown that showcased her generous cleavage, lovely ass and shapely legs. I worshiped every part of her body.
"Mr. Bond, your reputation precedes you," she whispered into my ear. "My mother warned me to watch out for men like you. Handsome, confident, smooth enough to entice any woman but never around long enough to sustain the passion."
"I never argue against the advice of sage mothers. As I recall, my mother once told me that if I jacked off too much, my penis would fall off. And just look at me now." Wait, that didn't come out right.
After the briefest of pauses, she burst out laughing. "James, your sense of humor delights me."
"Perhaps you would allow me to delight you in other ways, Ms?" I prompted her.
"Galore. Pussy Galore. Let's just skip the verbal foreplay and go directly to the guest rooms upstairs." Hot damn, I sure hoped this was an x-rated version of the Bond movies.
The last thing I remembered as I entered the darken bedroom upstairs was surprise that the floor rushed up to meet my face as I felt a painful stab in the back of my head.
"James, darling, I'm so glad that you're finally awake for our party," Rose purred as I shook my head to clear it, finally coming back to my senses. I found myself naked, sitting upright in a chair with both my hands and legs bound to the chair.
"I must say that I'm glad you're mother was wrong about your penis falling off," she said as she wrapped her hand around my cock, stroking it up and down my length. It didn't take that many strokes before it was standing at full attention. "It's quite an impression package you have," she said walking away from me to sit on the bed.
"Pussy, why bother with tying me up? I'd be only too happy to show you how well my package works."
"But where would the fun in that be for me? While I do enjoy the occasional masculine fuck, it's women who turn me on. You see, I earned my name, Pussy Galore, because I love eating pussy, I love fucking pussy, and I can't get enough pussy. Besides James, we're not here for your pleasure, but rather mine."
"You'll find my method of torture quite painful, I assure you," she continued gleefully. "You'll soon be divulging everything you know about my boss and his company."
She was interrupted by a sharp rap on the door, which soon opened as Bella stepped into our room.
"Honey, perfect timing as usual," she said in greeting. "I do believe you've met James."
"James," she nodded to me politely.
"Pussy, I've been waiting all night for this. It made me all wet, thinking about you," Bella said, slipping her hands around Rose's neck as the two began kissing in earnest.
Hell yes! I thought to myself, hot lesbian sex! I must have died and gone to heaven. It was so incredibly sexy; I could feel my cock getting painfully excited. If only my hands weren't tied. Their soft moans and growls nearly sent me over the edge.
Soon their hands were greedily exploring each other's clothed body. Rose's hands slipped behind Bella's back, unzipping her gown. It soon became apparent that Bella was completely naked under her gown as she stepped out of it. Rose on the other hand, was stilled covered by a sexy bra and thong when her gown slid off her body unto the floor.
As Rose playfully pushed Bella onto the bed, the two landed in a heap, rolling around for dominance. Rose clearly won as Bella lay submissively on her back while Rose began exploring her wet folds with her fingers while her other hand was occupied with her breast and nipple. Rose's mouth was clamped onto Bella's other nipple. Soon Bella's legs spread apart further, as she pushed Rose's head down to her dripping pussy.
Rose gave her full attention to Bella's pussy with her mouth and fingers. What a view! Both girls were really into it! Fuck! Bella's soft moaning and groaning added to the intensity. Damn, I wanted to fuck her! I needed relief and I needed it bad. It slowly dawned on me that this really was pure torture!
My attention was soon riveted back to Bella, as her hips began bucking, obviously climaxing as she shouted, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
"Ladies, please," I begged them; "You're killing me here! You've got to let me relieve myself – my balls are aching!"
"First, tell me what you know, James," Rose implored me.
I hesitated, not wanting to give in.
"Honey, give James some attention. He's not feeling cooperative yet," Rose directed Bella.
"Anything you say, Pussy."
To my utter delight, Bella sat down on my lap, straddling me with her legs spread wide apart, on either side of my thighs. I could feel her wetness as her pussy rubbed on my thigh as she positioned herself – teasing me mercilessly. She bent down, kissing me so sensually that I got lost in her kiss; it slowly dawned on me that I was kissing another woman other than Rose for the first time since I became a vampire – making the kiss even sexier since Rose was watching us.
She broke off our kiss, smiling down at me while she briefly stood up to lower her pussy slowly onto my throbbing cock – impaling herself onto me. Fuck! It felt so fucking good! She was incredibly tight and wet. I nearly exploded, shooting my load into her as I felt her walls contracting even tighter around my shaft as she started to ride me faster. My mouth immediately clamped down onto her nipple, wanting to taste her skin, suckle her luscious breast. The only thing holding me back was that I refused to climax before my partner did – girls always came first.
"Cum for me," I growled. As soon as I uttered those damn words, Bella abruptly stopped herself and stood up releasing my throbbing member into the cool open air, wet and still demanding. Damn! This was too cruel. It was ten times worse than just watching them. No man could withstand this kind of torture. Not even James Bond, I decided.
"Damn it!" I shouted. "I don't know anything! My instructions were to break up Gold Finger's black market smuggling ring. London wants the sale of all Chinese-made weapons into Georgia stopped."
"Luckily for you, James, I believe you. Now, how would you like to be rewarded?" Rose asked.
"If you untie me, I promise you and Honey a fucking that you will never forget," I pleaded, wincing at the pain of my aching balls.
"No thanks, we just want to use you. But first, you must submit to being tied down to the bed on your back, spread eagle," Rose demanded. "I can only trust you so far."
"Fine," I consented. I had nothing left to lose, having revealed all. In short time, I was tied up in bed, although one minute longer and I swear I would have passed out from the pain.
This time as Bella proceeded to ride my cock, I came nearly right away; I couldn't help it - the ache in my balls was so great that my organism was nearly overwhelming. If I could have shed tears, they would be running down my face from sheer ecstasy and shame of climaxing first.
Swiftly Rose kissed me lovingly, as if she could sense my feelings while Bella began sucking on my rod. In no time, I found myself ready for another round. This time Rose rode my cock as Bella positioned her pussy over my mouth, sitting on my face. I could taste the mingling of Bella's and my fluids inside her. I couldn't care less; it was all sexy for me. I needed to bring her to climax so I ate her for all I was worth. I could tell Rose was enjoying herself on my rod as she began moaning and squeezing my balls with her hand while she increased her pace. Finally I could feel myself coming to peace as I came again but not before both girls bucked and moaned in pleasure as they climaxed.
After they left the room, I was still unfortunately tied down to the bed. I began wondering if our game was done since I failed my mission as James Bonds to stop Gold Finger.
Luckily, Jasper, came into the room all excited. His words spilled out in his thick Russian accent, "James! You've got to hurry if you want to stop Gold Finger's shipment of arms! I accosted Pussy and found out the shipment is being unloaded at the docks tonight. I'll meet you there in an hour."
Excellent, I thought, a kick-ass action scene coming up - just what I needed to feel manly again.
Act III: Thugs That Squish Like Bugs
Location: Port of Moscow
James arrives at the port, just in time to find his targets unloading a shipping container.
As I approached the dock at the agreed upon time, I spied three men dressed fully in black with ski masks over their heads. They were obviously the bad guys since two of them were busy unloading crates while the third served as the lookout.
Hiding behind one of the large shipping containers, I created a diversion by throwing a small rock against the side of its metal wall, alerting the men of my arrival.
"Did you hear that?" asked the taller of the men pausing in mid-action of unloading a crate.
"I heard that; you guys keep unloading. We've only got 2 minutes left to finish. I'll check out the noise," said the lookout. They all sounded like they had Russian accents.
Even before he rounded the corner to my prior location, I jumped down from on top of the large shipping container onto his back; stopping him in mid-step. I threw a couple of quick bunches to his head and stomach to ensure that he would stay down long enough for me to deal with the others. That's one down and two left.
"Hey, Boris, go find out where Ivan went to; he should be back by now," he demanded of his partner.
"You freaking coward. How come I have to be the one to investigate?" he argued to the other.
"Just shut the fuck up and go!" As one of them turned the corner to search for me, I landed a quick kick to his torso causing him to grunt as he landed flat on his back. Grabbing hold of his collar of his jacket, I yanked him to standing position while landing my fist square into his face knocking him out instantly. Just one more left.
Sneaking up behind the last one, I simply held my gun to his head and demanded, "I've got a bullet here just primed to shoot out your brains unless you tell me where I can find your boss, Gold Finger."
"Don't shoot!" he yelled, holding both hands into the air. "I'll talk! You'll find him at an old warehouse not very far from here. Though the warehouse portion of the building looks like a dump, the second floor contains a posh apartment."
After giving me the address, I quickly dispatched him with a swift knock to the back of his head with the butt of my gun.
Act IV: Bond Gadgets Galore
Location: Somewhere on the grounds of Gold Finger's hideout
James must penetrate the fierce defenses of Gold Finger's compound
Approaching the warehouse from the west afforded me the best opportunity to case the joint. I needed to know how many men were guarding it and their locations. Again they were dressed in the typical thug uniform of black clothing. There were two roaming the grounds and one sniper on the roof.
This was the time to pull out one of those cool gadgets that Q would have made. Jumping up on the roof, I quickly adjusted my high-tech-camouflaging-shield-which-bends-light-making-me-invisible-gadget before sneaking up to him.
"What the fuck, Emmett!" laughed Jasper aloud as he whipped around to face me, "Why are you wearing a prissy flower-covered sheet over your head? What, were you hoping to bed me," he questioned, laughing aloud again.
"Shhh!" I shushed him, "not so loud. And for your information, this is one of those gadgets that Q would have made. It's an invisibility camouflaging thingy."
"Whatever," he snickered. Just when he was about to laugh out loud again, I quickly sucker punched him in the gut, bringing me to his knee and stifling his laughter in mid breath.
"And stay down you cheap thug," I commanded him. Okay so maybe I'll just leave the sheet with him. Leaping quickly off the roof, I made my way towards the two unsuspecting guards, stopping along the way to pick up my other gadget.
As I quickly approached them, I projected my thoughts to Edward, telling him to stop laughing and to get back in character.
This time however, I was startled by gunshot and bullet flying around me. Shit! Now was the time for evasive action! Aiming my bazooka-sized-arsenal-which-shoots-out-debilitating-painful-fluids directly at one of the guards, I let him have it.
This time it was Carlise who burst out laughing. "What the fuck, Emmett!" Edward yelled angrily. "Why did you throw a bucket of corn syrup all over me for? This is totally uncalled for!"
"Maybe he's going to lick you all over!" snickered Carlise. All right, maybe this was very comical. Just seeing the expression of Edward's face when it landed on him was priceless. I couldn't help doubling over in laughter at Edward's expense. So what if I took this opportunity to pretend to be naïve enough to think it would be one of Q's inventions. The way his clothes and hair oozed with sticky syrup was worth it. He wasn't looking so pretty at the moment.
"Hey, I heard that," Edward admonished me, apparently hearing my thoughts. "This is going to take a long time to wash off, you ass!"
For Carlise's benefit I added, "Aww, it's supposed to be one of Q's high-tech Bond gadget to incapacitate the opposition humanely. Now it's your turn, Dad!" I said gleefully picking up the other bucket.
"Wait! he shouted, throwing his body on the ground, "I'm neutralized! Just go! James Bond must complete his mission."
Yes! It's the homestretch, I thought, turning to run inside into Gold Finger's lair.
Act IV: Octopussy's Harem
Location: Octopussy's bedroom, located on the upper floor of the hidden warehouse.
James must defeat Gold Finger and neutralize his associates. The End.
This time I was not going to let myself be knocked out from behind which happened the last time I ascended the stairs. I drew my gun and quietly opened the door.
I was immediately accosted by loud Turkish music playing in the background. The room was well-lit with yards of sheer curtains draped everywhere like in a sheik's bedroom. Sitting around on pillows were a bevy of beautiful women dressed up in belly dancing costumes. In fact, one of them was performing now. She was a damn sexy dancer too.
"Ah, Mr. Bond, I presume," Carlise acknowledged me as I stepped into the room. "Please come in, and make yourself comfortable. I've been expecting you."
"This is not a social call, Gold Finger" I warned him, keeping my weapon trained on him. "Perhaps we could end this amicably if you just tell me who your clients are that you sell to as well as your sources for the weapons."
"I regret that I cannot do that Mr. Bond as I would be risking my own neck; my suppliers and my buyers would kill me for not fulfilling my contract. Besides, war is an incredibly lucrative business. No matter which sides win or lose, both will need weapons. Even if you were to stop me, others would simple spring up to take my place. War is ultimately what keeps the global economy afloat."
"Well, so do venereal diseases!" I said aloud surprising myself. "Everyone gets horny sometimes so when they have sex, they catch one of those gross diseases that …," I paused losing my train of thought, "see, so everyone has to buy …" this time giving up because it suddenly it didn't make sense.
Choosing to ignore my comment, Carlise plowed on, "As I was saying, you cannot stop me, Mr. Bond."
Suddenly I was tired of playing. So I shot him. After I dragged his body out of the door, I turned my attention to the beautiful babes in the room.
"Oh, Mr. Bond, that was so … brave of you" said one of them rushing up to grab my arm.
"Yes, you were so … witty to say that STDs rule the global markets," said another as she grabbed my other arm to pull me towards the bed.
"Mr. Bond, allow me to congratulate you on … overcoming Gold Finger. My name is Octopussy, and these girls are part of my forces," Alice said pushing my body down on the bed and climbing on top of me to straddle my hips with her legs.
"I believe you've met my protégé, Pussy Galore," she paused nodded her head at Rose, "and you'll remember Honey Rider."
"I hope you've forgiven us James," Honey apologized.
"Allow me to be your love slave, anytime, ladies," I assured them magnanimously.
"Unfortunately, I'll have to send our loveliest member out of the room," looking at Esme pointedly.
"Girls," she said winking at them on her way out of the room, "Be easy on poor James, I don't think you can take much more of your punishments."
Jumping off my lap, Alice abruptly pulled me up to standing. "Girls, help me make James feel more comfortable."
I was soon surrounded by three soft bodies, grabbing and stroking every part of my body as they undressed me. It was a long glorious love-fest. Each of them had turns riding my cock and I got to fuck each of their sweet tasting pussies too. There was enough pussies to go around for all the girls and myself. This was the closest to heaven I think I'll ever experience.
I love my family! I love Christmas! Hot sex, intrigue, high-tech gadgets, and a high-body count – this was the ultimate James Bond adventure and the ultimate Christmas gift.
Merry Christmas to all!
Author's Notes: Sorry about my long absence. I actually took the time slowly pushing this chapter to life. It was devilishly hard to write; parodies are prone to fall into two categories: so silly/absurd that they no longer resemble their original stories (in this case James Bond flick) or the story characters gets lost in the characterizations they are portraying (in this case, Emmett seems more like Bond then Emmett).
First and foremost, I wanted this story to be hot (sexy) so I hope I succeeded. I need to apologize for not putting in more details concerning the three girls and Emmett's love-fest; frankly, I'm tired of writing it. I also did not want it to be too long - 4400 words is enough. Lastly, I am torn between ending this story or continuing. I did envision one more hot chapter featuring Carlise and Bella. However, according to the number of reviews, this story must not have a huge following - so why bother?
I would love to start a new story with a kick-ass villain, plenty of action and a just smidgen of hot sex. So stay tuned. Perhaps I'll return to this story once in a while ... when the mood catches me for some hot action. Thanks to all my fans who have submitted reviews!