Awesome Eggs

Awesome Eggs

Somewhere deep in the Chaos Wastes, an awesome fight was taking place.

In fact, the fight was so unspeakably awesome that I can't even describe it here. You'll just have to take my word for it. To give you a clue as to just how awesome this fight was, it was between a Champion of Khorne and a bird.

I know what you're thinking. But never fear, because this was not any old bird. This was a Bird of the Gods! Seriously. Blessed by Tzeentch and everything. It used to be a Lord of Change, before it went and got itself banished. It got demoted to a bird (not even a daemon bird, just a regular chicken). It still had its magical powers, though (which, by the way, were awesome), and now it struck out at the Champion of Khorne with spells of such awesome power that I can't even describe their effect; suffice to say that if it was possible to describe them, you'd probably die just from reading it. Yes, that awesome.

The Bird of the Gods sat on a branch of a scraggly tree, chirping every now and then (and unleashing the indescribable awesomeness of its magical spells, don't forget) as the Champion of Khorne swung with his Axe of Win at the Bird of the Gods (I'm going to stop the bold text now. It's getting annoying). The Champion swung an awesome swing at the Bird, demolishing a huge swathe of chaos-infested land, and then demolished a second swathe with the (awesome) backswing. His mighty headbut cleaved a third swathe, and the sheer force of his roar of anger blew away a fourth and final swathe of land, which was by now looking decidedly sparse.

See? Awesome, is it not? Now you've got some idea of what to picture, just add awesome to it (yes, even more awesome). I mean, explosions that go all like Khhgghrraaagghhh! and huge blasts of light that are like Freeeeeem! and large animals being hurled through rings of fire (and they're all like Moooo!) and smaller animals going Screeech! just before they smash into dragons and go all Rrraaaaghhh! And stuff like that.

You get the picture.

Anyway, once the awesome fight was done, nobody had won. That rhymes, so it must be true. See, I'm not lying. Honest. Ahem. Well. Nobody was dead, at least. The Champion of Khorne looked up at the Bird of the Gods, and raised his Axe of Win to the roiling sky, roaring out into the darkness.

"God-damned Bird of the Gods! Give me your God-damned eggs!"

To which the Bird of the Gods cocked its head, and said (in a very, very British accent, somehow); "Oh, I don't think so, old chap. Terribly sorry, you see, but they are my eggs. And I feel the need to point out the logical impossibility of asking a Bird of the Gods to be damned by said Gods. Simply cannot work, old bean. Terribly sorry."

The Champion of Khorne scratched his head. Then, his brief period of thinking over and done with, he waved his axe again, even more angrily than last time. In face, he was so angry that small rocks started to drift upwards from that ground, crackling with electricity. See, I told you he was angry.

"Eggs!" he roared.

The Bird of the Gods ruffled its feathers. "Now, I really am sorry, but I simply can't let you do that," it said. "I can't help but think that my progeny would be terribly saddened by the thought of being made into an omelette for your breakfast."

"EGGS!"

"Yes, yes, we've established that," said the Bird of the Gods. "However, I really think that we might get rather more accomplished if you were prepared to engage in actual conversation."

The Champion of Khorne tentatively lowered his Axe of Win. "Eggs?" he said slowly. "Eggs? Conversation? Eggs? Conversation?" He sounded like he was comparing the two in his head, which was hard to do for him, seeing as Khornate Champions only usually have room for one thing in their heads (yes, you guessed it – Blood for the Blood God!). "Conversation for eggs?"

"Yes, that's the one, old chap," said the Bird of the Gods. "Now, in return for my eggs-"

"Eggs!" shouted the Champion of Khorne.

"Yes, those. As I was saying, in return for my… for your breakfast, what are you prepared to offer by way of compensation?"

The Champion of Khorne looked blankly at the Bird of the Gods (not an easy thing to do when you're wearing a fully-enclosed helmet shaped like a daemon's face…). "Compensation?" he said, turning it over like an entirely new concept to him (which, come to think of it, it was). His face brightened (it's a magic helmet, all right? One that can convey the full range of facial expressions. Sheesh, do I have to explain everything to you guys?). "You give me eggs!" he said.

"Well that rather depends on your offer in return-"

"And I axe you! Axe you good! Right in the head! Cut off your head and give skull to Khorne! Give blood to Blood God!"

The Bird of the Gods sighed (if such a thing is possible for a chicken – even a daemon-infested chicken). "Sorry old bean, but I don't think that's quite acceptable, really. You see, I worship Tzeentch. Not Khorne. I'm afraid that the prospect of offering my skull to the skull throne and my blood to the blood god doesn't especially appeal to me."

This news staggered the Champion of Khorne. Really, he literally staggered backwards. "Blood for the Blood God?" he said, holding his arms out to the Bird of the Gods. "Skulls for the Skull Throne? Eggs for me?"

"Sorry old sport, really am, but I simply can't do it. I'm afraid that you'll have to go and find your eggs somewhere else."

The Champion of Khorne slumped his shoulders. "Ghrarrgh sad now," he said, forlornly.

"Yes, well Ghrarrgh should go somewhere else and bother some other nice Bird of the Gods," said the Bird of the Gods.

"Bird make Ghrarrgh sad," he accused. "Ghrarrgh not like it when Ghrarrgh sad. Ghrarrgh get angry then. You not like it when Ghrarrgh angry!"

The Bird of the Gods sighed again.

By now, Ghrarrgh was pretty worked up (the little rocks were starting to float again…). "When Grarrgh angry, Ghrarrgh axe things! Axe Bird!"

"Here we go again…" said the Bird of the Gods.

The Champion of Khorne raised his Axe of Win to the lightning-streaked sky. "Grarrgh kill Bird! Skulls for the Skull Throne! Blood for the Blood God!"

And so, after this short breather, the awesome fight continued once more.