Chapter Three: I'm Not Counting

Alucard had no choice. He'd been forced to become a servant of Sesame Street, but he was determined to find away out. Of course, since Seras was Alucard's fledgling, that meant that she was now a servant of Sesame Street too. She had to be wherever her master was after all.

So far the show had progressed normally, well except for the fact that Big Bird's right arm was in a sling and his left leg was in a splint. Alucard got a mild enjoyment out of watching them try to explain that by giving the episode a hospital theme. But his enjoyment at watching the trials of the bird that had been foolish enough to steal his gun, wasn't enough to overcome the dread he felt over that fact that his segment was almost up. The No-Life King reaffirmed to himself that was NOT going to be Sesame Street's puppet.

Serving Hellsing is one thing. At least the family has proven to be worthy masters, and they let me kill things and keep me supplied with blood. Even if it isn't fresh, it's still blood. But these new 'masters' want me to count things and be nice. Can you imagine it? They want me to be nice! Well, I won't stand for it. I'll find a way out. There's always a loophole.

Alucard's internal rambling was interrupted by a paper being shoved into his chest. "What's this?"

Big Bird replied, "It's a summons. I'm suing you for insult and battery."

Seras interrupted, "Um, excuse me, but don't you mean assault and battery?"

"No. I mean insult and battery. He kept insulting me while he was beating me up."

"You had it coming! You stole my gun!"

"I was trying to help you! You idgit."

"What the bleep is an idgit!"

"It's a word I can use without getting bleeped. You might want to learn a few!"

Seras got in between the vampire and bird and tried to keep them from fighting again. "Master, let me try to reason with him." She turned to Big Bird. "Mister, uh..."

"Bird"

"Yes, Mister Bird. I'm very sorry that you got hurt, but my master really doesn't have any money. Your just going to waste your money on a lawyer; and even if the court finds in your favor, you won't be able to collect anything."

"I'm representing myself. I have a law degree!"

"I'm sorry I didn't know."

"What, you think that just because I work on a kid's show, I'm some kind of an idiot? I'll have you know, I graduated from Harvard, top ten percent. It's just that no one wanted to be represented by a seven foot, talking, yellow bird."

"Okay, so you won't waste any money, but you are going to waste your time. As I've said my master has no money. And you can't get blood from a stone."

Alucard grumbled, "Can't get blood from anywhere when you're a servant of Sesame Street."

Big Bird replied, "It's not the money. It's the principle. I've already got enough trouble trying to stay one step ahead of that crazed Kentucky Colonel. I don't need to worry about a vampire too."

"Well I can assure you that my master isn't going to come after you again."

"That's not enough."

"Then what do you want?"

"An apology."

"I've already said that I'm sorry."

"Not from you. From him."

Alucard exclaimed, "What!"

"You owe me an apology."

"Why you disgusting little piece of trash! I don't apologize to anyone. I should tear your limbs off and shove them up your bleep just for asking."

Seras elbowed her master. "Uh, Master?"

"What!"

"The censors, remember?"

Alucard sighed and- through grit teeth -apologized. "All right, I apologize. I realize now that you were only trying to help me. I shouldn't have repeatedly ground your beak into the pavement, broken your arm and leg, and forced you to say that you were a bleeping bleep bleep of a bleep bleep."

"There now, was that so hard? I accept your apology, and I hope we can be friends." Big Bird extended his hand.

Seras elbowed her master again and he shook the bird's hand. Oh, I'm going to make someone pay for this... Big time!

A voice came from overhead. "Okay, Count, one minute to your segment. You better get ready."

Big Bird said, "I guess that's my cue to leave." He walked away.

"Okay, Master, lets get ready."

"I'm not counting." Alucard grumbled under his breath, but he got into position anyway.


In an average house, two average little kids were just watching their favorite show:

"And now, the new Count and his assistant Seras will count the number of giant, cherry, lolly pops."

On the TV, Seras was smiling as she said, "Ten cherry pops." She looked over to her master, but he didn't do or say anything. So the fledgling cleared her throat and tried again. "Ten cherry pops." After a moment she quietly added, "Master?"

"What?"

Seras kept smiling but spoke out of the side of her face."You're supposed to point to each pop and count them up. Then I repeat the total."

Alucard growled, "I'm not counting."

"Master, the censors. We have to obey our new masters as long as the series runs, remember?"

It was then that an idea popped into Alucard's head, and he started slowly walking up to his fledgling. "Yes, as long as the series runs. That was the exact condition that they bound me with, right?"

"Yes."

"And we must be on TV now, right?"

"Yes."

Alucard grabbed his fledgling by the arm and looked at the camera. "Well then Kid's watch this."

Seras giggled, "Oh, Master."

One of the two kids called for his mother, "Mom what is the new count doing with his assistant?"

The mother walked into the room and looked at the TV. "Oh my, what are you kids watching!"

"It's Sesame Street."

"Turn that off!"

"But what are they doing?"

The mom was dialing her phone. "They're, ah, just hugging, honey."

"Wow, they sure seem to be enjoying..."

"I SAID TURN IT OFF!!"


Back in the Count's castle. "Ha, ha. Yes! I can feel their power over me failing. My plan worked. The series has been canceled." Alucard started to get off of Seras.

"Master, where are you going?"

"I'm going to teach that talking bird a lesson."

But Seras grabbed her master's arm. "No you're not." She pulled him back into a kiss, and Alucard began an internal debate over which would be more fun- going after Big Bird or finishing what he started with Seras. After a few more seconds, he decided on the latter.

(Okay, that's it. Story's over. I hope you enjoyed it. Please Review, and do you think that I should up the rating to T?

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)

(To SakuU: Thanks for reviewing chapter two. I'm glad that you're still laughing at this story. I hope you liked the way it ended. And thanks for saying that my stories are great. I think I might be blushing a little.

PS. I hope to have the next chapter of Maternal Instincts up tomorrow night. I hope you enjoy it.)

(To twinkers4: As you can see, I did. I hope you got a kick out of the last chapter.)