Title: Metaphor Gone Awry

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Matt preys on an unsuspecting Near, armed with L-provided knowledge. Listen to your elders.

A/N: -is caramelldansen-


"Honey, I'm home!"

"… Matt, there you are. Where've you been, I got this thing set up like fifteen minutes ago."

Mello was standing in front of the television in their room, both bare feet planted on the Wii Fitness pad. He had neon green sweatbands on his forehead and arms and ankles and stood there, looking expectant and a bit put off.

"Sorry, Mel," Matt grunted, pulling something heavy inside of a pillowcase into the room. He set it down and closed the door, looking up to find his best friend in such hilarious attire and laughed loudly. "W-What the hell…?"

Mello frowned. "You said you wanted a workout!"

"And I'm going to get one." Matt winked and kicked the full pillowcase with his left heel.

"… What's that?"

"Supplies! Look," he said, digging inside the sack. He pulled out a CD in one hand and a bottle of KY Warming Gel in the other.

Mello blinked. "Okay… What're you going to do with that stuff?" He paused. "And where'd you get that CD?"

"Oh, I found it in Rodger's desk."

"Cool, you raided Rodger's desk?" Mello asked excitedly.

Matt nodded. "Had to. Well," he sighed, checking his wrist that was without a watch, "it's almost eight o' clock so it's about time for you to skedaddle, Mel."

"… Me? Why do I have to leave?"

"I invited Near over at eight."

"Huh? What'd you do that for?" Mello whined, stepping off of the pad. "We don't need that freak comin' in and stinkin' up the whole place."

"Jealousy isn't becoming, Mel."

Mello turned red. "Jealousy?" he screeched.

"Come on; out, out. You're spoiling the mood."

"Fine, asshole-"

"Wait." Matt put his hand on Mello's shoulder as he turned to leave. "I got a better idea."


"Excuse me? Matt?" There was a timid knock on the door and Matt hurried away from where he was lighting candles and dusted himself off. Unfortunately, he didn't look any different than he usually did but he figured that would go unnoticed when Near was overcome by the romantic atmosphere.

"Coming," Matt said - in what he hoped was a sexy voice but was really only high-pitched - and opened the door.

Near was standing there, small and pale, in his oversized pajamas with a few dolls clutched to his chest.

"Hello, Matt," he said as Matt showed him inside, "I was surprised you wanted to play with… oh."

Matt smiled brightly. Just as expected! Near was rendered speechless by the fifty candles lit all over the room, the strawberries in a bowl on the bed and two wineglasses on the computer desk filled with grape juice. Near scanned the room with wide eyes and then looked at Matt to his side.

"What's… all this?"

"Well, I just thought I'd make your first time special, Near," Matt said like he was the most considerate twelve-year-old in the history of forever.

Near blinked. "It is not my first time playing, Matt, as you must know I take daily participation in-"

"Okay, enough of that. How about this?" Matt said, walking over to the CD player on the floor and placing the Teddy Pendergrass CD inside. He pressed play and suddenly -

Close the door,

Let me give you what you've been waiting for,

Baby, I got so much love to give,

And I wanna give it all to you.

"Um… Matt…?" Near took a step backwards.

Matt smiled in an alarming manner and came over before Near could make a shuffle for it. He grabbed the younger boy's wrist and pulled him up on the bed.

"Matt, maybe I should be going," Near said, looking down at his feet.

"Don't be nervous, Near!" Matt reached underneath a pillow and pulled out a bottle, brandishing it at Near.

Near squinted. "KY… Warming Gel."

"Yep." Matt squirted some on his fingers.

"What're you doing?"

"I dunno." Matt looked down at his fingers. "I was supposed to use my fingers first but, um, I dunno what to do with 'em so maybe you should lick it off."

"… Excuse me?"

"It sounds sexy, doesn't it?"


"All right, let's get down to business." Matt leaned over and began to tug at Near's waistband as Near struggled and whine when, all of a sudden, the door burst open and Matt and Near looked up to look into black, sleep-deprived eyes.

"Matt," L said, stepping inside, "please let Near go. This is neither the time nor the place to-"

"But L," Matt whined, "you said-"

"I know what I said-"

"Aw, fuck," came a voice from under the bed. There were hands crawling out and Near made an alarmed sound in the back of his throat. Mello popped out with a video camera in hand. He stood and dusted himself off, saying, "Looks like nothing's going to happen after all…"

Near gasped. "What's Mello doing under there?"

"I was here to record Matt's first time, dildo," Mello said, as if it were so obvious.

"Near, I think it might be a good idea for you to go get some sleep," L said kindly.

"Yes… I-I think so…" he mumbled and ambled towards the door, collecting his dolls on the way out.

When the boy was out of the room, L looked at Matt. "Matt, the next time I give you some advice, do not be so quick to act on it."

Matt groaned, "But I was getting along so well…"

Mello quirked an eyebrow. "What'd you even say?"


A/N: … anyway, this was just an account of a twelve-year-old's interpretation of -ahem- adult situations.