The Shinigami Guide to Parenting Chap 1: How to get the child.

I am pissed.

You know why?

Okay, here's a rundown of possibly the worst day of my life.

First, Yama decides, hey, why not send Renji and me on a bloody mission to fricking Karakura Town, where I'm meant to be dead, in case a couple of Menos Grandes decide to come along. There aren't Menos Grande's there right now, but send a captain, me, and another captain anyway. Even though we have much better things to do.

Anyway, I am a captain of fifth, and I faked my own fricking death to do it! But hey, send me anyway to Karakura Town, even though half the population can see me!

But who cares?

Anyway, for the better part of the last two goddamned hours, I've been searching for the bloody red haired pineapple.

And am now severely pissed.

I come to a forest, and glare at it. Renji, the idiot, is in there. In that damned forest. I. Am. Gonna. Have. A. Helluva. Time. Finding. Him. Ain't I?

Yeah, I know what you're thinking? A Taichou like me could just trace his riatsu and then use a bunch of kido spells to get that fcking pineapple. Well, guess what? A) I suckat kido. B) the goddamned pineapple's been moving around. Today's the once-a-month day when he's free and can do whatever he wants. Oh, and there's C, which is that that goddamned pineapple is a ... Taichou! Yay! Celebrate!

Damn it, no. Who the hell decided to make Renji a Taichou? Idiot. Oh. Hang on. It was Yama. That bloody commander could kick my ass into next century without going to Ban Kai. Although, where the hell he was when I was kicking Aizen's ass into next century is beyond me. Guess that Gawd wasn't bothered enough to head down and watch me. Bastard.

Anyway, if you haven't guessed already, I. Am. Pissed. Guess finding out that no one bothered to tell me that both Yuzu and Karin, my sisters, are now at the Shinigami Academy, though that's just a part time thing, they both still have lives on Earth, didn't help. No way in hell. But hey, I just have more the reason to murder Renji when I get him.

Anyway, so I head into the forest. And it's dark. And mysterious. And I wanna kill someone. Okay, two out of three of that description is wrong. Guess which ones? No prizes. Yeah, it's sunny, the birds are chirping away, and I wanna kill everything in that forest.

I'm going insane.

Che. Anyway, so I find Renji. He's sitting in a clearing, playing with kids! Hell! That bastard... hang on.

I've just had an idea...

I have this camera I carry around. You never know when a good photo opportunity comes up, you see. And that photo opportunity's often a potential black mail. And I see good black mail.

So I grab about ten shots of Renji in that clearing, hair down, playing with a bunch of kids. Then, I walk into the clearing.

"Oh, hey Berry," says Renji, looking suitably startled. He senses my reiatsu, and notes that it's completely angry and furious, but with a hint of absolute delight.

He's worried.

"Hey, pineapple," I say, deciding to ignore the 'Berry' nickname. "You realize Yama's given us a mission?"

"Hell!?" demands Renji, standing up. I flash that grin at him.

"Yeah, head down to Karakura. Chance of Menos, apparently." I stress the word 'chance'.

Renji sighed, and, after a teary farewell, sickly teary, we left the kids, who insisted on clinging to Renji as we left. By the time we got out of the forest, they'd gone. Thankfully. I'd probably end up killing them otherwise.

Yeah, I'm not too good with kids. As you can, hopefully, tell. If you can't, please drag yourself over to a mentally ill institute, thanks.

Anyway, so we leave the forest, and head back to Seireitei, when a kid should pop up. This little girl, blonde pigtails, blue eyes, ya know, the stereotypically 'cute' girl.

Anyway, Ren and I decide she was stalking us.

You want proof?

Get this. We cross, I dunno, three districts? And the girl is still there. The same girl. The one and only girl stalker.

I know how anti-feminist that sounded.

Make sure Soi Fon doesn't read this.

Yeah, anyway, so this girl's following us. So what do we do?

No. We do not run and hide.

We confront her.

"Hey girl. Stop stalking us," I tell her. She just looks at me.

"Hey," says Renji, bending down, "Could you please stop following us? It just scares us, so could you stop?"

Trust Renji to be a bastard and be nice to rascal kids.

"But...DADDY!" she wails.

...

...

Daddy?

Renji looks startled as she just... hugs him. I mean, this big bear hug. Like, you know. Those glomping hugs. The ones fangirls use. THOSE.

Yeah, I have fangirls. Get over it. It's not fun.

Don't let the fangirls read this either.

Anyway, Daddy?

I couldn't help it.

I have to laugh. So laugh I do. The huge, guffaw, ohmygod laughs. I just laugh. It is hilarious. You can't blame me.

Renji just glares at me as I hold my stomach and laugh. He had stood up, and has to hold the girl, like those parenting holds, and is death glaring me. I take the opportunity to laugh at him.

"OHMYGOD!" I say. "Daddy? Renji! You naughty boy!"

"Daddy," says the girl, tugging on Renji's clothes. "Why is Mummy laughing at you?"

I stop.

...

...

...

Mummy?

Please tell me she did not call me Mummy.

Renji looked pretty startled.

"Mummy? Who's mummy?" he asks, looking around.

"Me," I say angrily. "Who else is laughing at you?"

Renji stares at me. He drops the kid. We both step back. I just realize what I said.

Yes, I'm using short sentences. Get over it. You must realize the importance of what I just said.

"No way," I say slowly. Renji said the same. We both stared at each other. Then, at the girl.

"Who's Mummy?" I asked. The girl looked at me.

"You are. Stupid." Renji snickers.

"Who's Daddy?" I asks.

"He is. Stupid," says the girl, pointing to Renji. Renji looks over his shoulder, sees no one, and then stares at the girl.

"No Way."

That is the final straw for both of us. We Shunpo away. I mean, what would YOU do?

If you're in my division and you're reading this, (I shall punish you later), you're probably thinking, HYPOCRITE! I've told you never to run away from your problems, haven't I? And here I am, running, well, shunpoeing, away from my problems.

When I said that, I was talking about hollow type problems. The ones you can fight. Not little kid problems. (As much as I hate kids, I would never fight one willingly. Get that shocked look off your face before I Getsuga Tenshōit off for you, Rukia)

So we reach the safety of Seireitei, get in, and stare weakly back at Rukongai. Hell. That kid ... let me back away into a nice corner and slit my wrists, will you? Gah.

"We have a Taichou meeting in, I dunno, five seconds," says Renji. I stare at him.

"Couldn't you have told me earlier?" I demand. We Shunpo to the meeting hall, and are about three seconds late.

"Abarai, Kurosaki," says Byakuya, as we enter. "You are late." We looked around.

"What about Shunsui?" I ask. Shunsui is, of course, late. What a surprise. Note the sarcasm.

At that point, Shunsui arrives.

"Look who I found!" he calls.

The girl. That's who he's found. The girl.

I'm about to Getsuga Tenshō him now.

"MUMMY! DADDY!" wails the kid, rushing to us. "Why'd you leave me back there!"

Renji and I stare at the kid, who promptly jumped onto me, still crying. I'm forced to hold her up, lest she falls down and bangs her head. Hell, that's a good idea, actually.

"Don't leave me back there again, mummy," she says, obviously meaning me.

"Mummy?" asks Mayuri, staring at us. All the captains are staring at us. I glare at them all.

"She's probably mistaken us for someone else," says Renji.

"No I'm not," says the kid. "You're Mummy," she points to me, "And you're daddy," she points to Renji. Then, she falls asleep. On my shoulder. If she dribbles...

The captains all start laughing. Even Hitsugaya is smiling. Which is scary enough, but ...ARGH! HITSUGAYA IS SMILING! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Yeah. That's how you react. Though, he has been smiling more since he started dating Hinamori.

"Guess we know who wears the pants in the relationship," smirks Kenpachi. "Renji." I scowl, and everyone laughs harder.

Byakuya's not. I suppose it's because Renji's his old vice captain. Rukia's his new one, but Renji. Hell, I'd be pissed if Hinamori had a child, even if she left my division. Remind me to stare suspiciously at Hitsugaya whenever I next see him even tap Hinamori.

"What is this about a new child, Abarai?" he asks.

"She's not my child, Kuchiki," says Renji, sweat dropping. Byakuya continues to stare at him.

"HELLO EVERYONE!" yells a voice. We turn.

Ohmygod.

YAMAMAOTO'S SMILING! AND LAUGHING! AND BEING GENERALLYCHEERFUL! HE'S ON HAPPY PILLS! RUNNNNN FOR YOUR LIVES!

And I should stop abusing the caps lock.

But still. Yama is being happy. Please. Kami-sama, stop torturing me!

"Ichi-kun, Ren-kun, you don't have to go to Karakura town, ooh, who's this little girl?" says Yama, bouncing, I'm not joking, bouncing down the stairs. The girl wakes up.

"ARGH!" she screams, staring at Yama, who looks unhappy.

"Is she your child, Ichi-kun, Ren-kun?"

"No," we say.

"Yes," she says. She hears us, and turns, pouting, looking really unhappy. Then, she pulled out the puppy dog eyes.

You know how Hinamori is basically the queen of puppy dog eyes? Like, not even Byakuya, Kenpachi, or even Hitsugaya, can deny her anything once she pulls out the puppy dog eyes. No one has been known to resist the puppy dog eyes.

Okay, multiply her puppy dog eyes by about a million. You've got the strength of this girl's puppy dog eyes. THEY ARE IRRESITBLE! I'm not joking. Not even Yama can resist them.

"ICHIGO, RENJI!" he wails. "How can you deny that you are the parents of this amazing girl? She's crying now! Accept that you are her parents!"

"NO!" I snap. "SHE stalked us!"

"How can a little girl stalk someone?" asks Hitsugaya. We glare at him.

"What do you know about little girls?" I demand.

"I grew up with Hinamori, Kurosaki." I just glare at him.

"Look," says Renji, "We aren't this girl's parents."

"Sure," snorts Soi Fon.

"Can a guy even give birth to a child?" asks Renji.

"Actually," says Mayuri, "It's possible-"

"Forget I ever asked!" exclaims Renji. I shudder. Dad already gave me that talk.

"You must marry!" announces Yama suddenly.

...

...

...

...

Please tell me he did not say that.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" I yell. Yama frowns at me.

"You must marry. You and Ren-kun must marry. I shall not let this adorable girl grow up without two properly married parents!"

"We aren't her parents!"

"You shall have to take care of her," says Unohana. "I doubt she'll let anyone else take care of her, and we can't let a young girl grow up without parents."

I snort, and so does Renji, thinking about Rukia, Renji and their friends. They grew up in Rukongai without parents.

"Precisely!" cries Yama. "You shall marry and take care of this girl! No buts! Dismissed! I must think of wedding preparations!"

Renji and I just stand there, staring at Yama.

One by one, the captains come up, about to offer 'congratulations'. Yeah right. They're gonna tease us.

Coming to my senses, I death glare all the captains, and drag Renji and the girl out of the room.

A/N: Before you ask, yes, I did ask Imprverious Marr, and yes, she did agree! This is an authorized spinoff... So. Please, review. Brownies to all who do so.

Argh. I just realized that I changed tenses about a dozen times in this. So I've had to go back and change that. ARGH,

Che, I'm bored, btw. I have nothing to do. Except write fanfiction. So that's why there is so much fanfic. Although... My mum has a great boredom buster! Maths! Yay! Not.
bangs head on table

Hm, I'm thinking of a Alex Rider/Bleach crossover. Mainly as I just read Snakehead (yes, it came out last year. I know.) But, I'm writing a AR fanfic now. I may post it. It's insane.

Which reminds me. Hm, two other short drablish fanfics to post. hums

I hum a lot

I know I should post the sequel to I'm not Weak. I know. I just don't have the ...energy.

hums happily Oh, hm, five reviews and I shall update.

Disclaimer: Bleach-Tite Kubo. Idea -- Impervious Marr.