I stand in front of the Gate, swallowing, wiping my palms on my jeans. God. I've never been so nervous. Even when I've had to face down Ulqui, Grimm or even Aizen. Eek.

The Gate opens.

I step backwards.


These are my goddamned friends. I shouldn't be scared.

I see Ishida.

Let me leave! I DON'T WANNA SEE THEM!

But, hey, I'm known for my courage.

"Hi," I say, smiling at them. Ishida stares. So does Orihime and Chad.

"Kurosaki, who did you knock up?"

I glare. See, I've got Hisana on my hip.

"Do not use such vulgar phrases in front of Hisana, okay?"


"She just found us. Okay?"

"Sorry. Us?"


"So, this random girl just comes up to you and Abarai and declares both of you to be her fathers?"

"Er, yeah?"

Ishida raises an eyebrow. Orihime's just staring at us, and Chad is being his usual silent self.

"You do realise how fantastical that sounds?"


"Idiot. Do you realise how downright unbelievable that is?" Ishida declares.

"Who are you?" asks Hisana, staring at them.

"I'm Orihime!"


"My name is Ishida."

"Oh… Okay! This is my mummy!" she points to me.

Ishida stares. Ishida laughs.

I glare.

"She… You... Mummy?" Ishida starts laughing.

I narrow my eyes. I glare. I place Hisana (very carefully) onto the ground, and draw out Zangetsu.

"Shut up, Ishida, before I murder you."

"But, you, Mummy!"

Orihime blinks at Ishida, but then wanders over, and picks up Hisana.

"Oh, aren't you cute?"


"Look what I made for you!" Orihime pulls out a black rectangular box with sakura flowers all over it, and hands it to Hisana.

We all stare at her.

"'Hime, you didn't know that Kurosaki had a daughter," Ishida points out. He snickers. "Kurosaki has a daughter. A daughter."

"Will you shut up about that?" I yell at him.

Orihime ignores that, and says, "Well, I didn't know that, of course. But the food I made for him, well, Hisana-san can have it!"

Well, at least I'm not eating it. But Hisana is. Gods.

What if she gets food poisoning?

"Hisana, please, don't eat that."

Too late.

"It's yummy!" she exclaims, and gobbles up the rest.

"Are you sure it's not Rangiku-san's child?" Ishida mutters, even as we all stare at Hisana.

"Oh, thanks, Hisana-san!" Orihime chirps.

"Erm," I mutter, "but, ah, well, let's go home…"


"Yama built us a home."

"I would've thought…"

"He's on happy pills."

They all choke on their own breath, but recover and we all return to my place.

"Nice house. Surprisingly good interior design. I'm still going to change it."

"Sod off."

"What happened to no vulgar phrases in front of Hisana?"

"Oh, shut up."

"What's this door?" Chad asks.

Guess which door. Just guess.

Yeah. The basement door.

"That, you don't want to walk through. Really."

"Uh huh."

Chad walks away, but Ishida …

Well, curiosity killed the cat.

If you ever read this, I'm sorry, Ishida, for scaring the hell out of you by throwing Zangetsu at a point millimetres above your head, but you shouldn't have attempted to open that door.

Well, okay, I'm not sorry, but hey.

No hard feelings?

Anyway, after dealing with everyone's Why-the-hell-did-you-nearly-kill-Ishida reactions and Hisana's wide-eyed can-I-learn-that expression, I herd them into the room and manage to make small conversation (resulting in my learning some stuff about the private lives of my old friends, stuff that I really didn't want to know (like one guy being caught in a store cupboard with two girls)).

Then Renji walks in, with a sour expression and the smell of pineapples.

"Prank war's started."

A/N: I have nothing to say but to apologise. I am extremely apologetic about how freaking long this has taken. I do have a couple more chapters written...