A/N: So I was browsing through my old documents at the behest of a friend and I found this, a short entry for the Thank-God-You're-Here entry at DLP. It's rated for crude humour and language. I hope you enjoy it, I certainly remember enjoying myself while writing it. Because I was on a time limit, it's not the best piece of writing I've done, but I've gone through and did some basic editting to make it look more presentable.
Its a simple premise. Challenge someone and they write it from the given time and word limit.
150 - 300 words
300 - 600 words.
600 - 900 words.
1000 - 1800 words
A NEW CHALLENGER HAS APPEARED: Shezza
Line: Harry explains to Ron why he was in his daughter's bedroom with no pants.
Lime: 60 Minutes
"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you," a tall, gangly redhead snarled. His brown eyes were glinting with rage, his face contorted with fury as he paced a small but clean kitchen.
His friend, a relatively tall man with amused green eyes and charcoal-black hair shook his head and sighed.
"I'll give you two," Harry said slowly. "One- we've been best friends for over twenty years. Two, I doubt you could."
"Abor…" Ron barked, but he was cut off as Harry casually swiped his wand, parrying the half-formed curse away. Sparks showered through the air as Ron growled angrily.
"Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, remember?" Harry said with an amused smile and a raised eyebrow. "I didn't get the job by collecting stamps."
"Exactly," Ron shouted angrily, his voice booming through the house. "You should know better."
"There's a perfectly good explanation behind what happened," Harry said, slightly wincing at Ron's loud rage-fuelled voice.
He started to raise a placating hand but sighed as Ron swiped his wand through the air. It took very little effort to deflect the curse, which struck the table with a loud 'thump', causing the entire room to shudder.
"Explanations?" Ron hissed. The tips of his ears were completely red and his hand was literally shaking. "You've done some pretty impressive shit over the years, Harry, but not even you can worm your way out of this one! She's my daughter- my fourteen year old daughter!"
"Rose asked me to go up to her room to check on her Gubraithian lamp," Harry started.
"The Christmas present you gave her when she was eight," Ron said tightly, his eyes narrowed. "What do you think Hermione's going to think when she comes home and hears about this?"
"She's going to be calm and understanding once she's heard what happened," Harry said pointedly, and rolled his eyes as he had to parry Ron's hex away. It struck a pile of dirty dishes, which shuddered with an odd orange light before cracking into two. "Geez, Ron, that would have taken my balls off!"
"That was the point," Ron growled, his wand not wavering an inch. For a moment, Harry was tempted to disarm his friend but even he had to admit that Ron was quite skilled and the resulting duel was one he wanted to avoid.
"So I go up to fix her lamp and, guess what, it has a leak," Harry said and gestured to the lower half of his body. "Hence, this is why I'm not wearing any pants. The fire got on them and I had to vanish them before Dirty Harry was roasted."
"Dirty Harry?" Ron asked, his eyes unconsciously flickering down to his friend's pale, hairy legs and his….suddenly, Ron had the urge to gag and his eyes darted away, nausea twitching at his face.
"He'd stand up and greet you but I'm afraid all the attention has…wilted…his zeal," Harry said dryly and his lips twitched as Ron groaned, his face scrunching up in disgust. Still, the seriousness of the situation was not lost in his mind and his anger quickly returned.
"You didn't seem to have that problem before," Ron growled, his wand rising and a hex at the tip of his tongue. Harry sighed and parried away yet another curse, this one causing a large dent to slap across one of the overhead cupboards.
"That's the funny thing," Harry said, looking quite sincere. "At the same time I vanished your clothes, Rose performed a flame-freezing charm. It was really, really ticklish and, well, Dirty Harry just rose to the occasion."
"Dirty Harry also seemed to have been ramming itself into my daughter's…" Ron growled and rage twisted his features as the memory resounded in his head. His wand raised and he spat out "Cruc-"
Harry moved as a blur, his wand sweeping up in a single, elegant gesture and Ron gave a cry of pain. Something white-hot and sharp slammed into the side of his head and he staggered back, his wand suddenly flying from his hand.
"Unforgivables are illegal, Ron," Harry said tightly, gripping both Ron's and his own wand in his hands. He stood over his friend, looking disappointed.
"Banging your best-friend's underage daughter is illegal, Harry," Ron snarled, shaking his head and wincing in pain.
"We were not having sex," Harry said through gritted teeth.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Ron shouted sarcastically, still holding his head as he glared at Harry. "When I see a man thrusting his dick into a girl, I just think it bloody well looks like sex!"
"We tripped!" Harry protested loudly.
"You tripped," Ron repeated flatly.
"We tripped," Harry confirmed with a short, succinct nod, looking pleased at Ron's admission.
"You weren't having sex," Ron said icily. "You tripped and your dick happened to fall into my daughter." He made a face, his voice lowering and a sarcastic, mocking expression crossing his face. "Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry Rose, but it appears my dick has found its way into you…this normally never happens to me…"
"Something like that, yeah," Harry said and Ron literally gaped. "See, right after Rose performed the flame-freezing charm, she conjured up a stream of water, more out of reflex than anything. She's a very good witch, you know."
"Potter…" Ron growled audibly and it seemed as if the only thing that stopped him from lunging at Harry was the two wands the other wizard was holding. Even then, the red-haired man looked as if he just might risk it.
"Me, being me, deflected the water, reflexes and as such," Harry continued. "And where did I deflect the water?"
"Let me guess," Ron snapped. "Rose."
"Right," Harry said, nodding and looking pleased. "So she removed her robe and not feeling uncomfortable with me seeing like that, being her favourite Uncle who helped her through diapers and toilet training."
Ron could only listen with a gaping mouth as Harry continued his story, his face switching between blindness fury and the utmost disbelief and the incredible shovel of bullshit that Harry was feeding him.
"I turned to leave and because the floor was wet, I slipped," Harry said and gave a wince, his eyebrows rising suggestively. "Right onto Rose, and we both 'fell over' onto the ground. We struggled for a bit, trying to get off one another but really only making it worse, and that's when you walked in."
Ron stared at Harry with a stunned expression.
"Harry," he began quietly. "I am going to kill you."
"Wait, daddy!" A loud, young female voice screamed and a blur with a long, red mane rushed into the room.
Rose Weasley, daughter of Ronald and Hermione Weasley, panted roughly as she leaned on Harry. Her brown eyes were alight with emotion and her long red hair streamed down her back, which was clad in what looked like a hastily-thrown on robe.
"Daddy, if you really love me, then you'll accept us," she said in a quavering voice. "Uncle Harry is your best friend and you trust him with your life. Who else could be worthy enough for me? He loves me and I love him and…" she trailed off, seeing Harry's pained expression and Ron's murderous rage. "Oh, I fucked up, didn't I?"
"Yep,' Harry said tightly.
"Which one was it this time?" Rose asked casually, her suddenly panicked expression clearing up as she clasped Harry's hand. Her other hand trailed casually over Harry's bare thigh and the older wizard grimaced, whether it was with pleasure or awkwardness was hard to tell.
"Fell over, dick slipped into you," Harry replied shortly, keeping a close eye on Ron, who was quivering with anger.
"You did that the first time he found us," Rose said crossly, but a sly look came over her face as she spun around and draped her arms around his neck. "Hurry up and come back up. I'm lonely."
"First time?" Ron asked quietly. "You've done this before? What the hell is going on here? What have you done Harry? What does first time…oh."
Just as realisation struck his face, Harry's wand blurred.
"Obliviate!" He incanted with practised ease.
Ron's eyes went blank and he stood absolutely still as Rose giggled, her crimson curls bobbing around her head.
"What's that, the ninth time now?" Rose asked casually, giving her older lover a cheeky grin.
"Eleventh," Harry muttered sourly, casually throwing Ron's wand on the table. "And that's not including the four times I've had to do it to your Mum."
"Er…what's happening?" Ron asked sluggishly, blinking rapidly and frowning. "H-Harry? Rose? What's going on? I could have sworn….Harry; you're not wearing any pants!"
"Obliviate!" Harry snapped and sighed. "Make that twelve."