Disclaimer: All stupidity and insanity comes from your forum, not me. I will claim any wit and humor, though.
Author's Note: This is not even technically a Holmes fic. It's for the participants of the "Are You a Holmes or a Watson?" forum thread. If you weren't there, you probably won't get it, but you're welcome to try. This is just a bit of me making fun of you. It's not to be taken seriously. I might eventually delete this.
The fanfiction authors were weary of deep introspection. After pages of trying to analyze and categorize themselves, they wanted some frivolous fun.
One, known only as MONKrules, for lack of anything better to discuss, complimented KCS on her avatar. It was a rather entertaining avatar; a picture of David Burke as Watson bore the words, "Yes… I am adorable."
KCS's grin of thanks turned a bit imbecilic as she stared too long at her own avatar.
Shadows-light91 laughed. "Isn't it absolutely… adorable?"
MONKrules giggled, too, albeit a bit nervously as she glanced at KCS. "I guess so. I'm not sure whether to be afraid or not."
"Just let her have David Burke and everything will be okay," shadows-light91 assured her friend, winking. It was sound advice.
"Oh, okay. I guess I can do that. I'll try not to be jealous, then."
"I just remember that there's Jeremy Brett, and I forget all about David Burke."
"Hmm… no one has claimed Jeremy Brett yet. I'm surprised!"
KCS, who had been discussing various perilous hobbies with Kaizoku Shojo, heard that bit of the conversation and scoffed. "Brett over Burke?" she asked incredulously. "You must be joking." Having put her two cents in, she turned to console her friend (who was running out of hobbies). "Poor Kai. I could send Basil over to keep you company." Unfortunately for Basil, she really could.
Shadows-light91 volunteered to claim Brett, adding, "He was really nice-looking when he was younger. I wish he hadn't gotten sick…."
Kaizoku shook her head. "I'd claim Brett, but… not going to argue over him. No mice, KCS…. We have a cat who is an excellent hunter." KCS quickly withdrew her offer of Basil.
MONKrules looked extremely disappointed. "Aw! I was about to claim Brett, too."
KCS sighed. "Me, too. Want to borrow Alfie for a while? He'll come over if you have cookies."
"I have sugar-free cookies," Kai suggested. Judging by everyone's expressions, no one really believed that Alfie could be tempted with those travesties of desserts. "I'm not overly fond of children, anyway, unless I need some errands done."
MONKrules face contorted into a bemused expression. "Who is Alfie?" she asked, and readied herself for being attacked with notebooks and laptops.
Instead of cries of outrage, she heard shadows-light91 thoughtfully answer her question. "He's one of the Irregulars… of KCS's creation, is that correct?"
MONKrules relaxed. "Okay. I thought I was missing something really important from the canon or the movies. I was worried." No one doubted that, at least.
KCS finally tore her eyes away from her avatar as something penetrated. "Ick, sugar-free cookies?" she repeated, making a very immature face.
Alfie stepped out from behind her. "Blimey, gov', tha' ain' worth th' trouble o' comin' over!" All the gathered females beamed at the spunky ten-year-old, though some shifted uncomfortably at listening to speech with more apostrophes than commas in it.
Much to Alfie's displeasure, KCS hugged him tightly. "Heck yes, he's mine! Where have you been? Everyone has stolen him by now… rabidsamfan, Chewing Gum, Pompey, Runa 93…. He's quite the popular little chap!" Alfie managed to wriggle free of her grip, but now he was in the middle of a circle of authoresses.
MONKrules examined him, grinning. "So he's traveled to other stories?"
Shadows-light91 sighed and muttered something about David Burke.
Unfortunately, KCS heard her. "Here now, go drool over Brett and leave Burke to me." She turned to collect Alfie, but he had mysteriously disappeared. "Kai, if Alfie does show up, tell him to get his little tush back here. I need him for That Whiter Host."
A very safe distance from the group, Holmes cursed. "Watson, you must really learn to keep up with that child!"
Watson didn't look overjoyed, either. "Holmes, you were the one to give him coffee! With all that energy, it's no wonder he ran off. And it's not like Kai's offering him cookies helped the matter…."
Meanwhile, Kaizoku was involved in defending her sugar-free cookies. Whether anyone was actually listening or not remains unknown to this day.
Shadows-light91 tried to surrender gracefully to KCS. "All right! I'm willing to share."
KCS sighed happily and stuck out her tongue. "I don't have to share." Several Brett fangirls glared.
"Luckily for you, she's the sharing type, or you may have found yourself being brought to Holmes as a murder case," bcbdrums warned. She had been fairly quiet so far, but somebody was about to be in trouble. "My dear KCS, would it not be polite to share? Not that I am asking. I could not be happier with any Watson but my own. But a show of manners, really…"
At the moment bcbdrums's chiding ended, shadows-light91 was mysteriously shot… and KCS mysteriously threw a smoking gun out the window. "Dang, now I'm getting to meet Sherlock Holmes, and I can't even speak to him!" shadows-light91 complained (somehow). "Gr… just my luck."
Bcbdrums smirked. "Well, considering how we have now separated Holmes from Jeremy Brett, thrown in some fighting fangirls, and brought the case to this non-Jeremy Brett Holmes, I don't think it would be any stretch to revive you just as Holmes pulls out the magnifying glass."
KCS addressed bcbdrums, ignoring the agitated death-ramblings. "Sharing goes along with that 'everyone's a winner' mentality. I was brought up differently. But I suppose could share a tad… but not until I have to." Suddenly, she realized what bcbdrums had just said and gasped. "Separate Holmes from Jeremy Brett? Blasphemy!"
With a cry of, "A murder! Come, Watson!" Holmes (Jeremy Brett version) dashed recklessly up to the group of fangirls (who had not steeled themselves for his sudden proximity, and nearly fainted). He pushed through them to examine shadows-light91's body with a magnifying glass. After the authoresses had recovered, they reluctantly backed up to allow him room for his investigation.
When Holmes was absorbed in the surroundings, shadows-light91 winked at her friends. "Maybe KCS could faint so that her ever-ready could be there to take care of her."
KCS considered, and then grinned wolfishly. "I'm waiting until he's close enough to catch me before doing so…."
"Oh! Gotcha." She laughed quietly. "Jeremy Brett is Sherlock Holmes to me. You can't separate those two."
"You forget, KCS," bcbdrums added, "I have not decided between Brett and Rathbone for my Holmes."
KCS shrugged. "Rathbone was good. He would have been better with Burke," she smirked, "and a decent script that didn't involve machine guns and Nazis."
Shadows-light91 gasped. "Not decided?" she repeated, affronted. She glanced at Brett-Holmes and laid back down in her "dead" pose. "I can't wait to hear his response."
Luckily, they were all finished conversing with the murdered authoress when Holmes turned around. He stood beside shadows-light91 and began to lean over her. Unfortunately, she chose that moment to sit straight up and scream. Holmes did manage to change direction in mid-lean, but did not manage to avoid colliding with KCS. She, of course, fell right into the arms of none other than Watson (Burke-Watson).
Shadows-light91, despite laughing so hard she could not breathe, was not going to let this opportunity pass her by. She leapt up and shoved a picture at Brett-Holmes. Her demands were clear, and he was too stunned to refuse. "To SL," he wrote, "love from Jeremy."
Once shadows-light91 had skipped off, clutching her newfound treasure, Holmes turned to Watson. "Um, Watson, what is the term for an undead fangirl?"
"I am slightly busy at the moment, Holmes!" The girl Watson was holding seemed to have fainted, and he could not bring her round.
Shadows-light91 hung the autograph on her wall cheerfully. "Well, now I think we're all happy." She ran back to give a still-bemused Holmes a hug. Her happiness level was brought down to something resembling human (as in I've-had-chocolate-and-coffee-in-the-same-five-minutes), however, when a mysterious figure, whom we shall call dilettante2, sprinted off with shadows-light91's autograph.
"Oh, buddy! I don't think so!" shadows-light91 shouted, forgetting all about that sharing business.
Holmes appeared happier than ever. "Come, SL, the game's afoot!"
She squealed. "I'm right behind you!" They quickly hired a cab to make up for the villain's head start. "You won't get away!" shadows-light91 called. Deviously, she scooted closer to Holmes and wrapped her arms around him. "Sorry, I'm… cold?" she offered weakly.
All this, of course, left the now-conscious KCS alone with her Watson. She was therefore understandably displeased when she heard bcbdrums say, "Watson, I need some sleep. Will you read me some of your romantic drivel?"
KCS scowled. "I'm sorry to inform you that Watson is very much engaged at the moment, with a non-sharing person."
"I beg your pardon," bcbdrums said haughtily. "I'm trying to enjoy a bedtime story. Please behave somewhere else."
KCS turned to snap at her, only to find that bcbdrums was sitting with dilettante2, who had discovered the secret to being in two places at once. KCS found this somewhat confusing, but was content so long as she got Burke-Watson.
Meanwhile, dilettante2 was also at her flat. She devoured her breakfast (while holding the precious autograph). Only afterwards did she let go of the picture to hide it. Certain that it was safe, she left to make sure bcbdrums, her Holmes, got some sleep and to play Jeremy Brett's NPR interview.
Much later, Holmes and Watson returned to Baker Street. "Where is that photograph?" shadows-light91 demanded.
With a smirk and a flourish, Holmes drew it out of its hiding place.
"How in the world did you know where it was?" she squealed. With absolutely no warning, she hugged him.
"Um… uh… er… you're welcome." Panicking, he leaned out the window. "Watson! Save me!"
"Uh, Holmes… I'm a little… busy at the moment," Watson said as he winked at KCS. She winked in return and yanked him back inside the window.
Holmes did not find his friend's reply amusing. Now he was cornered by two fangirls, and they were both speaking to (at) him in Spanish. This predicament was getting ridiculous.
Bcbdrums pouted. She was becoming very tired of being ignored. She therefore obtained a drum set from reality and began playing it – very loudly. "Pay attention to me!" she wailed, managing to be heard over the staccato noise. When everyone began to stare, however, she flushed and switched to a more delicate instrument.
Dilettante2 listened to bcbdrums happily. "What are Holmes and the fangirl up to, I wonder?"
Shadows-light91 paused in her conversation with Holmes to listen to bcbdrums's melody before answering dilettante2. "Well, currently we are discussing the workings for his novel that he is planning on writing when he retires: his book on the art of analysis and deduction. I get a signed copy!"
"Can you sneak me a copy, too?" bcbdrums inquired.
KCS, however, was not so pleased. "Hey, can you all keep it down over there?" she called.
"I think the more important question is, what are KCS and David Burke doing?" shadows-light91 muttered, raising her eyebrows. Dilettante2 didn't have to wonder.
Shadows-light91 handed Holmes his violin. "Would you mind? Pretty please?"
"Very well," Holmes acquiesced. His playing, however, was not to last long.
Bcbdrums snuck up behind KCS and Burke with crash symbols and, with a wicked grin, forcefully brought the pieces of metal together. Holmes winced, hit a discordant note, turned around, and rolled his eyes. KCS had pulled the revolver from Burke-Watson's pocket and was waving it around threateningly. Bcbdrums ran off to find another instrument. Burke escaped, leaving his revolver behind.
"You just couldn't let the opportunity pass, could you?" shadows-light91 called after bcbdrums. "Poor KCS and David Burke – can't get a quiet moment."
Now deprived of both her target and her Watson, KCS finally went back to her duties as fanfiction author. "Has anyone seen Alfie? He went over to Kai's for cookies and didn't come back. I need him."
"Sorry, KCS, I'm afraid Kai has assigned him to babysitting duties whilst she catches up on her own fics," bcbdrums announced. "You may have to manifest yourself in Tennessee if you really want him back."
"I hope Alfie isn't teaching the baby how to talk," dilettante2 said thoughtfully.
"Babysitting?!" KCS roared. "He's only ten, for Heaven's sake!" She sent a threatening telegram to Tennessee, assuming Tennessee still gets telegrams. Minutes later, she was dragging Alfie away by the ear. "I must run, unfortunately. Ciao."
Dilettante2 sighed at her Holmes' antics. "You'll never get to sleep that way." She gave up and went to introduce herself to her victim. "Nice to meet you."
They shook hands. "Nice to meet you, too!" shadows-light91 said amiably. "It's nice to know who stole my lovely Jeremy Brett signature."
With that, dilettante2 left to have lunch with Jeremy Brett in the park. "Dilettante, I don't think so!" shadows-light91 bellowed as she ran after them. From that moment on, there was even more chaos as all remaining fangirls battled over Jeremy Brett. Eventually, the poor man escaped and locked himself in his penthouse.
Unfortunately, Saru Wolfe chose that time to walk in, on the arm of a very familiar man.
"I say, what have we here?" the Ronald Howard version of Holmes asked (with a charmingly boyish twinkle in his eye).
Saru grinned knowingly. "Come on, dear. Let's leave the loons to themselves."
I like reviews that don't involve weapons!