I was feeling kind of angsty, so this story happened. I've always felt kind of bad for Tomoyo. Sakura never seems to understand how Tomoyo feels about her, but Tomoyo always acts like she's just fine. Well, without further ado: I've Told You


I've told you before that, as long as the one I love is happy, I am happy. I only wish that my feelings could be as simple as I say they are. It's true, Sakura, you're happiness does make me feel better sometimes. When you smile, I feel warmer inside. But it only works to an extent, and I'm afraid that even a warm smile could not keep out the cold I feel now.

I've told you before that I love you, but you've always acted as though you don't really understand. Deep down, though, you know that I mean romantically, with all of my heart. You know that I mean a dozen long-stemmed roses love, not you're my best friend and I don't know what I would do without you love. Somewhere inside, you know that. You tell yourself that it couldn't be true and reply that you love me, too. The 'you're my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without you' kind of love. Believe me, I wish that was all I felt for you. It's so hard for me to live knowing that you can only love me as a friend.

To be in love with you without having it returned... it's the most painful thing that I could possibly imagine. This isn't just a crush, you understand. It's true, deep. Joyful. Piercing. Painful. Being apart from you causes an ache in my chest, a longing to see you. The ache doesn't listen to reason. If I tell it that seeing you won't make things better, it still doesn't ease. I tell it that I will have to see you again soon, anyway, and it doesn't ease. It doesn't stop hurting until the second I see you. When I see you, I feel flutters. Again, the heart does not listen to reason.

'Don't be so happy just to see her,' I want to tell it, but it is already too late. Happiness and hope have filled me, only to be crushed moments later by cruel memories. Memories of every time you've said 'I love you,' and meant it only in a platonic sense. Memories of watching a delicate blush creep over your skin at the sight of Yukito. I remind myself that I never had you and, so, never lost you, but my heart never listens to reason. Never.

As much as being away from you hurts, it hurts so much worse to be near you. Especially since you've realized your true feelings for him.

You knew all along, just as you know the nature of my love. Syaoran is meant for you, isn't he? Sakura and Syaoran. Your names go together in a way that ours never could. When he scowled at you, some part of you knew that you two would somehow end up together. Both of you were so brilliant at masking your feelings from each other that it almost became an art form. If you didn't admit it to yourselves, you couldn't admit it to one another. Perhaps that was my mistake; admitting to myself to early my feelings for you. Anyhow, Sakura, you became so good at pretending that you did not love him that it even shocked you.

I was not shocked. I knew you to well to be shocked. I was not shocked, but rather wounded. When you realized that you loved Syaoran, I realized that I was destined to be nothing but the girl with the camera, filming a romance between her love and another unfold without ever playing a role in it. It is my fate to read your fairytale with tears in my eyes. My mind knows this, but my heart keeps hoping. I suppose that is the nature of human hearts: to keep hoping, even when faced with unshakable logic.

I see you with him and pretend that I'm happy and that I don't want to run and cry. I'm encouraging, I stand by your side. It is my role as your best friend to do that. My job is not to show my pain, to hide behind a laugh and a smile. My job is to silence my heart when it cries out for you and to hold it still when it flutters in your presence. Why have I lied to you and told you that I'm happy if you are? Because it is my job, and I am the one who does my job the best.

I've told you before that I'm happiest if the one I love is happy, but in truth it's not that simple. I know that it's selfish of me to feel this way, but it really depends on why the one I love is happy. Right now, your happiness means my anguish.

But I'm too good of a friend to tell you that.

End


How did you like it? I think that some of my own personal life may have crept into it... But, never mind that. Please review!