Comatose Lying In Her Sleep
"I don't wanna live; I don't wanna breathe unless I feel you next to me. You take the pain I feel. Waking up to you never felt so real…"
Mac really wasn't one to been tabbed as someone to go out and get drunk but somehow things just seemed to be royally screwed up. Let's see, she was switched at birth with Madison Sinclair, freaking Madison Sinclair, how exactly does that happen? Really. Mac wanted that particular question asked when she reached the pearly gates of heaven and afterlife. Then to make matters worse, her ex boyfriend was someone she thought she knew, cared for, trusted and loved then all that hit the fan and like exploded into millions of pieces on Grad Night. Her ex boyfriend Cassidy Casablancas, aka Beaver, aka rapist, aka the awesome bomb maker and reason for the bus blowing to smithereens last September, aka bomb maker for Woody's plane which too blown up into smithereens, aka teenage boy turned psychotic, aka-slit my wrist if I have to explain this again-Mac thought. Then just as life possibly couldn't get any worse she was in her dorm, yes, college started, she was indeed a college girl, when some idiot was begging Parker-her roommate- to come out and well, you know the rest. To Mac's surprise and annoyance it was Neptune's drunken asshole Dick Casablancas. He then proceeded to call Mac Cassidy's beard. Mac didn't know whether to punch Dick or hug him that night. Punch him because who gets off calling someone that? But to hug him because she somehow knew what he was going through. She knew that he hadn't been sober since that night a year ago. But he left acting like the mere fool he is and then they avoided each other all year long as much as possible. Until a few days ago when he had apologized to her, and actually meant it. Okay, so what if he was indeed drunk off his ass? Mac knew he meant it. And then he tried to kiss her and she had to draw the line there; she pushed his face away and walked off.
Which leads her to now, she is at the beach drinking some kind of beer that she bribed some guy to buy for her. Who knew she could become so Veronica with her ways of making people do things that they necessarily didn't know what they were doing.
So maybe all those things didn't happen all at once but they did, however, hit her twice as hard all at once earlier that morning. Mac was having a study break with Max and they were having a pretty good make-out session and then it happened. He got a phone call from Wendy, yeah that's right, the hooker slash first love of his life slash retired hooker gone into stripping slash her wrist if she has to explain that one again. And she had playfully grabbed his phone and answered it to be funny and then she heard Wendy's voice. She couldn't remember what it was exactly that she had said but all Mac remembered was looking at Max's face and it saying it all. He was a cheater with school and apparently with his relationships as well. What's sad was Mac was going to tell him that she loved him that night…that was pretty much shot straight to hell and smacked the devil in his face.
So here she was, in black 'Soffee' shorts, a plain white wife beater tank, black flip flops and a 24 pack of beer to her right with her phone and iPOD to her left; she was just taking gulp after gulp of the cheap beer and putting her iPod on shuffle mode while she stared out into the never ending abyss of water before her. Her chest raised and fell as the waves crashed against the sandy land.
She finished her fifth beer and threw it on the ground next to the beer and grabbed another, popped the lid off of it and took a long swig of it, wincing as the bitterness swirled around her mouth and down her throat. But she smiled as it lay in her stomach and she felt even warmer despite the brisk night time air around her.
She felt invisible. Even though she knew she was visible and quite there, on the beach, but in life she felt invisible. Even around Veronica or Wallace or Dick. Logan sometimes paid more attention to her; Mac has a feeling that he's getting softer since he's dating Parker. She hadn't hung out that much with Wallace only because he only tagged along when she did something with Veronica which Mac hadn't seen much of her around lately either. Something about someone putting a sex video online and Dick sending it to everyone on campus. He would, Mac scoffed. Veronica only came to her when she needed something. Mac couldn't remember the last time her and Veronica just hung out and did absolutely nothing to do with steak outs, spying on someone, or doing electronic background checks. And well, there's always Dick but…yeah, who really wants to waste their time with someone who is just going to put you down. That's what Dick does all the time, to everyone; put them down. And he didn't even know how much his words or actions have on the people around him. Mac was sure that maybe, just maybe that if he had known that she didn't eat for three weeks almost after the night he had stopped by her dorm and called her Cassidy's beard that he wouldn't of said it or at least felt incredibly horrible about it.
But of course, no, he doesn't care ad won't ever care. And Mac will continue to care because, well, that's Mac.
She couldn't believe she had finished yet another beer. But there she was popping off yet another top, hoping that this one would just drown her. She let the midnight breeze blanket her exposed skin. Mac should have shuddered at the coldness, but she had too many drinks to remember the last time she was cold let alone to feel it.
Mac sighed as the beginning of the single most song that defined her very being at this moment in time. She must have had it on repeat a billion times since that night when Dick was a dick in September.
You speak to me
I know this will be temporary
You ask to leave,
But I can tell you that I've had enough
I can't take it
This welcome is gone and
I've waited long enough to make it
And if you're so strong
You might as well just do it alone
And I'll watch you go
God, she hated him. She hated everything that he stood for, everything that he didn't stand for at all. She hated the way he would lick his lips before he would say a rude comment. She hated the way he sometimes would actually open doors for her in the quad or in the buildings. She hated the fact that he didn't look anything like Cassidy and yet Dick was a constant reminder of him. She hated his blue eyes. She hated his blonde hair that surprisingly looked clean every day. She hated that he knew how to dance. She hated that even though he had said all those nasty things to her all through high school that she couldn't hate him. She tried to tell herself that she did. Maybe if she said it enough, "I hate Dick Casablancas!" that maybe it would automatically register in her brain and that way she would care or be freaked out that she noticed Dick way too much.
Mac almost spat out her drink when the next song started. How ironic, she thought. "Easier to Lie" by Aqualung was the song of the moment apparently because it fit her situation with Dick.
Mac flung herself back against the cool sand and ended up knocking over her beer and because life hated her its contents spilled over her iPod, within minutes the iPod shut down.
"Thank you, thanks so much. It's not enough that you have to take pretty much everyone and everything away from me but now you feel the need to kill the music!" Mac stood up, kicking beer cans around and then picked her iPod up angrily and chucked it out into the ocean. Immediately after though, she felt bad for doing that. It was a gift from her Mother and there she was throwing presents out into the ocean and not giving a damn. "I am never drinking again after tonight," Mac told herself as she began throwing beer cans into the ocean as well.
"I think they call that littering or something," A voice from behind Mac stated softly but abruptly.
Mac turned around mid throw and froze when she saw him.
"Ow, fuck Mac," Dick wiped his cheek were the beer can hit him and he had a tiny scratch.
"I am so sorry; wait a minute why am I apologizing? You probably did something to deserve that!" Mac yelled and continued throwing beer cans into the ocean, growing anxious and a bit frightened at how many beers she had drank.
"Ah, you are probably right." Dick agreed and grabbed Mac's hand to stop her from throwing another beer can out. "Come on, I am taking you home." Dick ordered and grabbed her cell phone and the rest of the beer in the twenty-four pack, which was like close to a sixteen pack now. He pocketed her cell phone and then used his free hand to grab her arm again.
"No, I am not leaving with you, how do I know you aren't drunk?" Mac raised her eyebrows at Dick. "Yeah, how do I know you aren't as drunk and pitiful as me right now? How about we just sit here and finish those beers." Mac fell over and landed in the sand again, laughing hysterically. "You know what's funny?" Dick dropped the beer and walked closer to Mac and kneeled, waiting for her to explain why whatever it was that was funny. "It doesn't even work! It just numbs you for like a nanosecond," Mac pressed her index finger and her thumb close together to show Dick just how short a nanosecond was as if he didn't already know. "Then poof, its back and you feel just the way you did before but it just hurts a hell of a lot more." Mac pulled her knees under her chin and wrapped her arms around them as her body shook with fresh tears.
Dick reached out to rub her back but Mac flinched and glared at him. "Don't touch me,"
Dick looked into Mac's eyes and was scared, he had never seen this side of Mac; hell, he never knew that she had this side. "Mac, I want to help you,"
Mac looked at him in amusement before quickly wiping her tears off her face as if to get rid of evidence that she was weak. "You want to help me? Okay this is how: leave me alone. Don't talk to me, don't look at me. And contrary to what you think, hearing that I was just his beard doesn't help me move on with the fact that he killed himself after NOT BEING ABLE TO GET IT UP ON GRADUATION NIGHT!" Mac screamed the last part.
Dick was grateful it was late and that nobody was at that end of the beach because Mac would have been causing a scene. "Mac, I thought I apologized for that already, I am sorry and I never should have said that to you." Dick walked closer to Mac, but instinctively stepped back.
"Yeah, while you were getting drunk with Logan. What would you have done if Wallace, Veronica, Piz and I hadn't shown up that day? Would you have apologized at all?" Mac countered back as she crossed her arms across her chest. She started to sway side to side from the alcohol buzz. Dick once again tried to reach out and balance her, but she swatted his hands away. "I said don't touch me!" She yelled, crying again.
"Mac, come on, you need to sleep this off, like now," Dick started walking towards her again and reached out, almost grabbing her arm but Mac jolted away and ended up standing the water a couple feet away. "Mac, I'm not playing right now, come here." Dick pointed to the sand by his feet, staring at Mac even though she couldn't see his eyes since it was so dark out.
"Oh, but isn't that your whole way of life? Fuck around and then let daddy fix it? Well wake up, daddies gone, everyone's gone!" Mac dropped to her knees balling again; but she stood back up again. "It hurts doesn't? Having someone call you out on your shit." Mac glared, her voice dripping with icicles.
Dick just looked at the sand below him not moving an inch because Mac had hit pretty close to home with that one. "You're right Mac, okay. I need to stop living life carelessly, and I have. And do you know who I have to thank for that?" Dick moved closer to Mac, surprisingly she didn't budge. He reached out and lightly touched her nose. "You."
Mac blushed; thankfully it was dark so he wouldn't see it.
"I meant what I said the other day at the beach Mac, I am sorry. I was drunk and pissed and horny. And Parker wasn't there, you were. And you were an easier target for me to hit than the real reason I was a mess. You see he made it impossible for you to see him splattered across the concrete street; he stripped you of everything and me he just didn't give a fuck or something 'cause that's exactly how I found him. You were easier to blame even though it wasn't your fault." Dick caressed Mac's cheek.
"It wasn't your fault either Dick, he was dealing with a lot." That was the first sober sounding thing she had said since he arrived.
"I know but it's hard to convince myself of it especially when my father is here before he goes off to prison." Dick became lost in his own thoughts until he felt a pair of arms wrap around him and squeezed him. Then he felt Mac shaking, she was crying really hard. "Mac, shush, it's alright." Dick petted the back of Mac's head, occasionally running his fingers through her hair.
"No it isn't, I was basically a bitch to you, oh god, I am so sorry." Mac pulled back just enough to look at him close up, seeing his eyes were puffy and red too, he had been crying. "I am so sorry," She repeated.
Dick looked at her and then pressed his forehead against hers. "Don't be, I deserved it." Then he did something unexpected: he got up and carried Mac to his truck, bridal style. He forgot about the beer.
The last thought that traveled through Mac's mind was how incredibly comfortable and safe she felt in Dick's arms.
Mac woke up with the worse headache she had ever endured. She rolled over to check what time it was when she hit something big and tan. Mac raised her eyes, following the tan sculpture before her and then her eyes linked with Dick's. "Good morning," Dick greeted as he pushed some of Mac's hair behind her ear.
Mac swallowed hard, and then tried to regain memory of last night. Then her eyes opened even bigger and then she looked down at herself and was glad she was still dressed; dressed in an unfamiliar shirt and black pajama pants, but clothes nevertheless.
"We didn't do anything, you just didn't want me to…you asked me to sleep with you in the bed." Dick reassured Mac.
"How bad was it? What did I say?" Mac had to ask, she had never been drunk in her life and last night was the night to be drunk, there were several different things she could have accidently blurted out in his presence.
"You were okay. But you did tell me you were switched at birth with Madison Sinclair." Dick smiled while resting his head on his hand that was now propping him up so that he was looking down at Mac.
"Oh, that's just fabulous." Mac laid flat o her back and had her left arm cover her eyes because the sunlight was way too bright for her liking.
"Um, let me go grab you some aspirin and a water, need anything else?" Dick asked as he got up out of bed and pulled a gray Hanes tee over his head.
"No, that's it." Mac smiled. Once Dick was out of the room Mac got up and walked into the bathroom to check her hair. The last thing she wanted was Dick making some comment about her hair looking like she just got laid. As she was standing in front of the mirror she noticed what shirt Dick had given her to wear and it caused her to crack up, which didn't help her head either. Her green shirt read 'don't taze me, bro' in white standard font writing. Mac wondered if Veronica bought this for him.
Mac walked out of the bathroom and over to the bed where Dick had been sleeping previously and sat down, crossing her legs underneath her. "Thanks Dick, I mean it. You really didn't have to help me." Mac took the aspirin and gulped down the water.
"I didn't need to be a dick all those years. I wanted to be there, here, for you." Dick smiled as he sat down on the bed behind her.
Mac felt all the hairs on her back stick up with his close proximity and his warm breath playing tricks with her neck. "Dick, there's something I wanted to ask you." She breathed.
Dick resituated himself so that he was leaning on the head board. "Okay, what's up Mackie?"
Mac turned slightly as well and bit her lip. "You know when you apologized the other day?" Dick nodded. "Well, why did you try to kiss me?" Mac asked as she looked at him timidly, afraid of what his answer might be.
Dick laughed and then leaned down closer to Mac's face. "I thought that was pretty self explanatory, Mac," Dick smirked and then played with Mac's fingers on the bed between them.
Mac's face grew a little warm at Dick's words and his fingers caressing hers. "Well, it may have been obvious to you but I always like more information." Mac, for some reason, leaned in too.
Dick brought his hand up to Mac's cheek like the previous night and rubbed circles with his thumb, staring at Mac. "Because, I wanted too." He looked bashful.
Mac's jaw dropped and she was dumbfounded. "But you were drunk," She stated.
"You were drunk last night," Dick countered back smirking.
"What has that got to do with you being drunk and trying to kiss me?" Mac asked, staring at Dick's lips now and biting the inside of her cheek because his lips looked so…kissable.
"Just the fact that it has everything to with it." Dick replied and then got up and started pacing back and forth. "Do you remember what you told me last night on the way here?" Dick stopped pacing and was standing right in front of Mac.
"I wanted to let you kiss me," Mac said.
Dick looked over at Mac and waited for her to continue.
"But I was scared, you had mentioned Cassidy so I thought of him when you leaned it to kiss me and I freaked."
Dick blinked and turned back to the road. "You're drunk." He simply stated.
"Oh really? Gee, I didn't know." Mac rolled her eyes. "The truth comes out when you're drunk, I heard that from someone once…" Mac turned her head to the window. "I wanted you to kiss me because, I don't know, I guess I was tired of us avoiding each other all the time because of him. We are in college and we should be able to get past all the stupid, little cliques and just be lovers and friends."
Dick looked at her, wondering what she meant by that last part but decided that she meant everyone in general.
:End Of Flashback:
"Oh." Mac muttered. "That."
"Yeah, that. So you see now how alike we are?" Dick ducked his head down and put both his hands on either side of Mac's head to pull her focus on him. "We both want this, we need to stop hiding from it or letting Beaver be the reason why we can't be with each other; if anything it's probably be the best reason we stick together."
Mac was shocked, yet again, with how smart Dick was. People didn't give him credit. "I want to be with you too, Dick." Mac whispered as she stood and wrapped her arms around his waist. Dick did the same and rested his chin on Mac's head, swaying them side to side. Mac felt at home once again and it felt so right. She raised her head and brought her lips to Dick's and kissed him.
Dick gave into the kiss and started to walk towards the bed. Mac's hands were exploring every inch of his body in awe. He was so…prefect. Dick licked the seam of Mac's lips for permission to slide his tongue in; Mac opened her mouth and did the same. The kiss was hot, passionate and longing. As Dick sucked on her tongue and gripped her hips hard Mac's eyes fluttered shut. Mac fell backwards onto the bed but when she opened her eyes, she was not on a fluffy surface, nope, she was on her dorm room floor tangled in her sheets.
"What the hell?" Mac looked around the room and saw that she was the only one in there. Mac tried to calm her breathing as she pulled herself back into bed. "Was that all a dream?" Mac asked herself as she started to cry. The dream felt so real and not to mention right. She could actually feel Dick's hands on her hips and she could still taste him too.
"Whoa, babe, what's wrong?"
Mac gasped when she heard Dick's voice. She looked up at him and he looked so worried. He had something in his left hand; it looked like a to-go back from some restaurant. "What's that?" Mac asked.
Dick just sat down beside Mac and took some to-go boxes with what smelt like French toast. Sure enough it was. "You brought me breakfast?" Mac looked up at Dick and smiled a teary smile as he eyes began to water up. "It wasn't all a dream was it?"
"No," Dick shook his head as he was concentrating on cutting the French toast into tiny sizes and then lifted the black, plastic fork to Mac's lips. "Open up,"
Mac smiled and opened up her mouth to eat the piece of French toast then giggled while she was chewing. Dick couldn't stop looking at Mac. He laughed as Mac put her hand over his and brought a piece to his mouth, he took it eagerly because he was starving. Then Mac brought her face towards his and kissed him. "You're amazing you know that?" Mac asked as she went back to eating her breakfast, occasionally letting Dick take bites.
"Did you know that you're amazing?" Dick asked as he grabbed the orange juice out of the back, opening it for Mac and then handing it to her.
"Yes, but it's nice to hear it every now and again." Mac cocked her head to the side, still smiling, as she took a sip of the orange juice.
"You better stop that sass of yours Mackie," Dick leered down at her with a glint in his eyes.
Mac felt hot again, seemingly a side effect with Dick now. "Or what?" She quirked her lips as she backed up against the wall by her bed.
"Or I will have to fix that." Dick growled, just inches from her lips.
"Well, I would like to see you try," Dick cut Mac's sentence off with his lips silencing her.
They continued kissing for an hour then they were just cuddling on Mac's bed. Dick's back was pressed against the wall as Mac was facing Dick. He would occasionally kiss her forehead, or her cheek.
Mac opened her eyes and looked into Dick's light blue eyes and kissed him on the nose and then giggled. "Best hangover ever."
Dick kissed her on the nose as well before pulling the covers up around them. "You can say that again," Dick whispered before falling asleep.
Mac smiled at how precious he looked, he was so tired. She imagined he was up all night with her so she let him sleep and cuddled closer to his chest and smiled again when he mumbled her name.