A/N: I need less sugar. Seriously. I may be going insane.
Disclaimer: For once I am really glad I don't own Twilight. Or else Emmett would be a cross dresser.
There was nothing worse than this. Right here. Right now.
Alice and Rosalie had dragged me with them while they shopped for 3 whole days. Straight. They kept going on the adrenaline rush that happens whenever you purchase the perfect top, or a gorgeous pair of slacks.
Me? I had run out of enthusiasm before this shopping trip of doom ever happened.
Adding another 3 bags onto my arms, Alice skipped away, into the silent mall, dragging my Rose behind her with invampire strength.
I decided to go put the bags into the BMW, both my Jeep and Alice's Porsche were already filled. Walking past the unconscious night guard, past the dismantled security alarms, and out the closed mall doors I finally took a deep breath.
The sky was as pitch black, with small stars glittering, making the windshields sparkle as well. I pointed up at the brightest star in the sky, and said, out loud, "you are Rose." I smiled up at the star, letting it twinkle above me, just like her eyes.
I let my eyes slide down to the reflection on the hood of the car. Absently I traced the shape of a heart around it, momentarily obscuring it with my hand, causing it to reflect off my skin.
I shoved the bags into the BMW, noticing with horror that the entire back of the car, and passenger seat was empty. This would mean about another day of shopping. I couldn't handle anymore!
I walked over to a rock, and lifted it up. I pretended to be struggling, and started staggering around, but, like all good things, it had to end.
I crushed it to powder, and sat down on the ground. I tried to just sit and think, but even someone as brilliant as me cannot think for very long.
About 5 minutes later I stood up, and dusted off my pants. Then, with a big sigh, I headed back to the empty mall.
I passed by the aforementioned roadblocks, and followed Rose's delicious scent to Victoria's Secret. I stopped by the door, staring at the plaster mannequins, wearing provocative lingerie.
Then, shaking my head, I went inside. I could see Alice and Rose in the back, never mind hear their giggles as they once again found another 'good buy'.
I turned away to leave the store, overwhelmed by the amount of undergarments in one store, but I caught a glimpse of my reflection. There was a feather boa slung across one of the mirrors, making it look like it was across my neck.
I adjusted my self so it looked like I was wearing the feather boa, but, in mid crouch, I had a flash of brilliance.
I knew exactly what to do to make these next few hours fantastically amazingly fun. And it involved wigs.
I crept out the exit, as I heard Alice squeal again, and started to walk towards my first destination, the mall directory.
I stole a map, and hid behind a large potted plant. I could have hidden anywhere, or just stood up. It wasn't as if I needed to be hidden. But I wanted to feel James Bond-ish, as if enemies were lurking at every corner, instead of my wife and my sister, crazed with shopping.
I went into the first store I circled, and started to rummage through their things, coming across an extra extra extra large orange chiffon dress. Perfect.
I slung it over my arm and, in vampire speed, raced to the bush, and placed the dress inside the hole I carved out with my teeth.
I ran to the second shop, and got a pair of pearl clip on earrings, and an alligator skin clutch.
After six stores or so, my storage chamber was stuffed, and it was finally time to take action.
I grabbed my loot and ran to the ladies bathroom. The males smelled gross, which was ten millions times worse for me, and my cursedly advanced vampire nose. And it would get me in a feminine type mood.
I took off my shirt, checking out my pecs in the mirror before pulling the orange dress over my head. I had to admit, that even in a silly girly dress, I still looked amazingly hot.
I proceeded to stick my feet into a size 17 ladies heel, which was far too small, and grabbed my clutch, opening it to reveal my earrings, and blood red lipstick.
When I put on the lipstick, I was surprised to see it was fire truck red, not at all like the color of blood. I should know.
I threw an ermine wrap around my shoulders, and blew a kiss at the mirror, before I put on the most important part.
A long blond wig.
I placed it gingerly on my head, completing the transformation. You could still see some of my curly brown hair poking through, but only perfectionists, or really tall people could see it.
I truly looked like a girl. I was going to mess with Alice big time! She can't stand to see poorly dressed people. And I was hoping to turn Rose on with the blood red lipstick, but now it just looks like I ate a red Popsicle, therefore, no one was going to be turned on. Especially me. This stuff tasted terrible!
I walked a few steps, before tripping and falling, only just catching myself on a strange silver box protruding out of the wall. I was never going to make fun of Bella for tripping in heels again. They were torture to walk in.
I stared at the silver case, which just saved the floor from having an Emmett face print on it. It seemed harmless, but I could not figure what it was for.
I read the label on it, below the twisty- knob thing. It said 'Sanitary Napkins 0.25'. There was another similar contraption on the other wall, but that one said 'Tampax' instead.
I was going to take out a quarter and test out these boxes, but I decided to go and find Rose and Alice instead, I could always scope these out later.
I lumbered off in their direction, pausing only twice for re-attaching of my shoes, and pausing to gloat about my evil, yet hilarious plan.
Reaching Victoria's Secret once more, I made my grand entrance, walking down the middle of the store the way supermodels wish they could. I did a small twirl at the end, just for Rose. Man I love her.
"I'm here for you baby," I whispered in a gravelly voice, towards an awestruck Rose. Alice silently fumed beside her, hands twitching to get the dress off me.
I pulled Rose towards me, sweeping her off her feet with one arm, and gave her a big kiss, leaving red lipstick smeared all over her perfect mouth.
I smiled at her, and she smiled back. And for once I didn't care that we were in a mall.