Author's note: anyone but me love voltaire? i hope so. he rocks. and this song fits perfectly with itachi. be warned, it's... disturbing. but i had rather too much fun watching as tamara wrote this. she had fun writing it, too. guess it only goes to show how disturbed we are...
Disclaimer: voltaire is his own person, and itachi is too. i don't even own any of voltaire's cds, or any mangas where itachi features. TT. so, so sad...
--kyra


My name is Uchiha Itachi, and I'm here to tell my story. Listen closely, because you might not make it out alive. I am, after all, the one who killed his family. I liked it, too. So pay attention:

When the Devil is too busy
And Death's a bit too much
They call on me by name you see,
For my special touch.

Oh, have I surprised you? I'm sorry. Were you expecting roses and butterflies? Don't make me laugh. Not that I laugh at all, but your surprise might just make me do it. Weren't you listening? I'm the one who killed my family. You think I'm not on first name terms with Death?

To the Gentlemen I'm Miss Fortune
To the Ladies I'm Sir Prize
But call me by any name
Any way it's all the same

They call me the avenging angel, sometimes. Well, I call myself that. Others call me by other names. I don't mind. I answer to them all. But I wouldn't call on me unless you're very, very sure of what you want. I don't take things back, and I can't bring people back to life. You're sure? Positive? Deal. So, who is it?

I'm the fly in your soup
I'm the pebble in your shoe
I'm the demon in your bed
I'm a bump on every head
I'm the peel on which you slip
I'm a pin in every hip
I'm the thorn in your side
Makes you wriggle and writhe

Oh, now you're backing out. I can see it in your eyes. You don't think this is the best idea? Too late. I've taken the contract, you've signed this person's life away. Your brother, you say? Don't blame you. I have a brother. Oh, you thought I killed them all? No. I left him alive for fun. He wants to kill me. He won't be able to. I can just see it in his eyes. But we're not here to talk about me. You can't back out now. You're committed.

And it's so easy when you're evil

This is the life, you see
The Devil tips his hat to me
I do it all because I'm evil
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need

You're calling me callous and cold now? I am. I don't need the reassurance of being called kind and fluffy. Those are insults. I am, you see, wholly evil. Cold. Cruel. Any other adjectives beginning with 'C' you can think of, discounting, naturally, the hated Cute. There you agree with me. Good.

While there's children to make sad
While there's candy to be had
while there's pockets left to pick
While there's grannies left to trip down the stairs
I'll be there, I'll be waiting 'round the corner
It's a game. I'm glad I'm in it
'Cause there's one born every minute

I don't need your words, your apologies. All I need is your custom and your cash. You thought I didn't want any? Something about doing it for free? Don't make me laugh. I am capable of it. I just don't like to. Those are sales pitches. I live with others like me, others who demand cash. So, while I would love to do it all for free, I need your money. This one will be cheap, though. Brothers are special. I do them at a discount.

And it's so easy when you're evil
This is the life, you see
The Devil tips his hat to me
I do it all because I'm evil
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need

I'm scaring you. Good. I do that on a daily basis. It's one of my trademarks. It has to be. After all, would you entrust your vendettas to me if I didn't scare you? Certainly not. It's in my best interest to scare you. And seeing you back away slowly gives me more pleasure than anything but killing. And, before you say it, I'm quite insane. All the best of us are. If we weren't, we wouldn't do what we do. Haven't you figured it out yet?

I pledge my allegiance, to all things dark
And I promise on my damned soul
To do as I am told, Beelzebub
Has never seen a soldier quite like me
Not only does his job, but does it happily.

I've made a deal with Death. Or the Devil. They're the same person. You didn't know that? You thought Death was some kind of messenger boy? Certainly not. I shall tell him you said that. You don't want me to? Why ever not? You're not frightened, are you? Yes, yes you are. You poor mortal, you. I think I'll send you to see him directly.

I'm the fear that keeps you awake
I'm the shadows on the wall
I'm the monsters they become
I'm the nightmare in your skull
I'm a dagger in your back
An extra turn upon the rack
I'm the quivering of your heart
A stabbing pain, a sudden start.

I'm not breaking a contract. Never did it say that I wouldn't kill you. Just that I would kill him. Oh no, you can't change it now. So sorry. Stand there, out of the way of the furniture. Or run away, I don't mind. Yes, go on. That will make it more fun. Oh, you're terrified. Good. I love the taste of fear.

And it's so easy when you're evil
This is the life, you see
The Devil tips his hat to me
I do it all because I'm evil
And I do it all for free

Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need

Now that I've got you cornered, why don't we talk for a moment? You've never met anyone quite like me before, have you? You wonder how I could possibly enjoy what I do. Well, I don't enjoy it. I adore it. The feel of pain is all I need. Ever. The tears streaming down your face, the quivering in your kneesā€¦ they give me all the satisfaction I need.

It gets so lonely being evil
What I'd do to see a smile
Even for a little while
And no one loves you when you're evil

But there's no denying that, sometimes, I could use some company. Someone to talk to, someone to call a friend. I have no one, don't you see? No one. The others fear me, even the ones I call my companions. Would you like to be my friend? Would you like me to spare you, just this once, in return for being my friend?

I'm lying through my teeth!
Your tears are all the company I need

You believed me, didn't you? Ha, I scoff. Didn't you know? I can lie better than anyone. And now you're close to me, your heart beating right next to mine, and my knife sticks out of your back. So sorry. I liked you. I really did. But that doesn't mean anything. Remember that in the next life: never trust the criminals. You'll need the advice.