Just a Couple of Jackasses
A/N: Alrighty, this sort of just came to me the other day and I thought what they hell.
I hope you guys will enjoy this figment of my Imagi-Nation.
A big thanks to Tina and Mariana!
"Whoa watch it you butt nugget." He said as a taller man bumped into him.
"S'cuse me?" The southern man retorted.
"I said watch-it-you-butt-nugget." The smaller man replied slowly as he looked into the man's chocolaty brown eyes with his icy blues.
"Look Im not stupid, I know what you said. Now would you just get out of my way? I got things to do."
"What if I don't want to get out of your way." He narrowed his eyes.
"Then I'll have to move your little ass." The bigger man picked the small one up and set him aside.
"You- You cant do that to me. Do you know who I am?" The small man asked. "I am Bam Margera and nobody does that to me. "He said triumphantly.
"Well Mr. Margera, I am Matt Hardy and I am very sorry to inform you but I just did. If you have any problems with that please tell me know so we can fix them." The bigger man calmly stated.
"Get out, No way! You're Matt Hardy, Like the wrestler?!" Bam asked shocked.
"Yeah, that's me."
"Whoa did some one just say Matt Hardy?! Where is he?! Lemme get his 'graph!" They both turned around to the sound of Chris Pontius's voice behind them. He came running down the side walk and hugged Matt. Matt's eyes widened with horror.
"I just got hugged by a man in thongs…." He said.
"What's wrong with me in thongs? It's the whole Party Boy thing." Chris smiled and laughed. "Hey lets party." He said as he began to dance around Matt. Matt looked helplessly over at Bam who just shrugged his shoulders and smiled.
"What can I say? He likes to party." He picked up his bags and headed to the bus with the Jackass Logo on the side and climbed in only to run back out screaming with flour all over his face.
"FUCK!! FUCK YOU RYAN!!" He yelled as he almost fell off the last step. "Fucking asshole. "He mumbled, shaking the flour from his curly hair. Meanwhile Chris and Matt had begun talking.
"So is it like cool being a wrestler?"
"Yes its pretty neat." Matt smiled.
"Cool, you think you could show me some moves?" Chris asked.
"Well no not out here, its too dangerous. I wouldn't wanna crack your skull on the floor or something."
"Come on you ass face we gotta get going." Bam yelled. Chris tuned to Matt and hugged him again.
"Thanks for partying with me man." He said as he turned to walk to the bus. Bam was on the phone and it appeared that he was getting angry. Matt sighed and picked up his bags and headed to his car. When he got there he was surprised to find a man sitting on the roof of his car.
"What are you doing sitting on my car?" Matt asked cautiously, he was a little afraid to hear the answer that would come from this guy's mouth. He hurriedly put his free hand in the air. "Actually don't tell me, I don't want to know, just get off."
"Well fine if you want to be like that. Cant give a damn homeless a fuckin' dollar man." The man mumbled and scratched his messy hair. His jeans were ripped and his shirt was dirty, not to mention the man reeked of sweat and piss."
"Well if a dollar was what you wanted why didn't you say something?" Matt dug around in his pockets for a dollar but came up with a five. He was handing it over to the man when-
"Hey Ryan get your dumb ass over here." Chris yelled.
Matt was stupefied. He couldn't believe he was that ignorant. He couldn't believe he had just been tricked by Ryan Dunn. He sighed and unlocked his car and set his bags in the back. He noticed a large stain on the seat that hadn't been there before. He felt his face turn red. He was angry. That son of a bitch had pissed in the back seat of his car. He decided it was best if he didn't say anything and just went home and got it cleaned up. He opened the windows and started the car. He was pulling out of the mall parking lot when Ryan ran into the middle of the street and flagged him down.
"Listen Man Im so sorry about pissing in your car. I'll pay to get it cleaned if you want.." Ryan offered. "But listen we got some problems, do you know of a place where we can film our stunts and stuff, they kinda kicked us off the premises."
Matt was thinking. Why should he tell these assholes anything? Then again it would be fun to see them fuck themselves up. Besides they would keep Jeff and Shannon out of his hair for a while. He smirked.
"Ok follow me. I'll let ya'll film it on my property, I got one hundred and two acres of land, just don't burn anything ok?" Matt raised an eye brow and pointed a finger into Ryan's chest. For the duration of the ride home, Matt wrestled with his conscience. Maybe he shouldn't have brought them back to his place, something bad was bound to happen. He knew it wouldn't be pretty. He sighed as he thought of all the destruction these guys could cause. They arrived in the heavily wooded forest where Matt lived. Matt looked out his rear few mirror and could already see Bam hanging out of the big bus's window and hooting like a monkey. Matt rolled his eyes and wiggled his nose at the nasty stench coming from the back seat. What the hell did I get myself into? He thought himself. They pulled up in his drive way and all the guys piled out, they stretched their legs and looked around quietly.
Steve O stood behind Johnny. "There aren't any alligators here are there?" He asked quietly. Matt shook his head.
"Nope no alligators around this part at least." He smiled. Steve O loosened up a bit and began to joke around with Wee Man. Johnny began to fan himself, beads of seat began to pour down his neck.
"Jeez why the fuck does it have to be so damn hot?" He asked. Matt ignored him and made his way into the house.
"Well that real nice, he walked into the house and leaves us standing here. What are we supposed to do?" Bam asked. He was getting irritated with the heat.
"I got an idea." Chris laughed." Lets Party." He took off his clothes and began to dance. A few minutes later he sat down. "Fuck that, its too hot to party." He pouted and sat on a log. A few minutes later Matt reappeared carrying Lucas( his little dog.) Chris let out a low whistle.
"I pictured you as more of a pit bull, not a rat." He giggled, it soon turned into him laughing hysterically. Matt scowled at him.
"Don't take about my baby like that." Matt said as he made kissy lips at Lucas.
They could hear motors far in the distance and people hollering and laughing. Over the hill came two riders on dirt bikes, one slightly smaller than the other. They were doing all sorts of eccentric jumps and maneuvers.
"Whhhhoah….That is kick as." Steve O gaped.
"That?" Matt pointed at the riders. "That's not kick ass, that's just my brother Jeff and our friend Shannon. They do that kind of stuff all the time."
Jeff and Shannon Rode there bikes up to the crowd and sprayed the hard sand all over every one. Jeff took off his bandanna and shook out his bright blue hair and wiped his fore head. Shannon took his shirt off and wiped himself off.
"What are they doing here?" Shannon asked.
"Well they wanna film some stuff for there show I guess." Matt said.
"Wait a minute," Jeff paused. "You're the Jackass guys aren't you?!" He smiled.
"Jeez finally some one recognizes us." They all complained.
"Oh shut up ya'll I remembered who ya'll was." Jeff laughed. "So how about we al do some stunts?" Johnny motioned for the camera men to start rolling. "So what do ya'll say? Two of you against me and Shan?" Jeff wiggled his eye brows. Bam looked over at Johnny and they nodded at each other.
"We'll do it." Bam stated. "You got bikes for us?"
"Yeah over there in the shed, just be careful of snakes on your way over there. "Shannon laughed.
"Yeah and gimme one minute to get ready for this thingy." Jeff ran away into the house. Bam and Johnny emerged covered in dust pushing two dirt bikes. Shannon began to laugh hysterically. Pretty soon he had Chris laughing too. Shannon and Chris leaned on each other for support as they laughed.
"Whats so funny you dick heads?" Bam spat at the two of them.
"Haha…Oh you should see your face!" Shannon said through fits of laughter. "You've got like a cobweb mustache and a dust beard!"
"I do not." Bam murmured as he tried to wipe of the mess discreetly. Chris began to laugh even harder as Jeff appeared from around the corner in his Itchweed costume.
"Oh what the fuck?" Bam asked and turned to Shannon. " You don't have one of those too do you?"
"Me? Hell no." Shannon giggled.
"Alright mutha fuckas, we gonna jump through dat flaming loop right there, come around here and do a flip, then under that flaming bridge, turn sharply, go over it, up around there, hit dat jump and then fall into dat big pine tree over there." Jeff said in his Itchweed voice.
Every body lined up at the "starting line" which was a line that was drawn in the sand by Steve O with Wee Man's head. Matt was their "Gun Firing Guy" and told them when to go. The other Asses where cheering and Matt found himself cheering right along side them. Some of the Asses were even cheering for Jeff and Shannon, who were winning by the way. Johnny was having a little bit of trouble maneuvering the turns but Bam was doing just fine. Jeff was showing off. Matt hated Jeff would show off for people. He assumed that if he was good at it why not show it. All of a sudden the guys were booing so he quickly brought his attention back to the race track. The booing quickly turned into laughter. Johnny had fallen off at the loop and had landed in a pile of dog poop. His face was pretty much covered in the brown sludgy feces.
"Its not funny!" He began to yell. "I think I got some in my mouth." Every body started laughing harder. Bam noticed and got side tracked and ran right into one of Jeff's giant aluminum sculptures. He knocked his nuts right on the pole and began to howl with pain.
"OW OW OW!! My nuts My nuts!! I think they cracked in half!!" He cried. Matt hadn't realized but he was laughing really hard also. He realized he was beginning to like these guys. Jeff and Shannon won the race and only escaped with a few bruises and scratches between the two of them. They walked over to the guys laughing.
"Damn Bam, you got any nuts left?" Jeff teased.
"It doesn't feel like it. It also feels like I am missing some hair." He replied, touching the charred ends of his hair.
"Ewww poo face!!" Steve O began to chant, pointing at Johnny.
"Will you just shut up about it already? Its over ok?"
"Aww is Johnny Poopsville upset?" Chris teased.
"No Im fucking A pissed."
"You know what this calls for?" Chris asked with his eye brows raised. It grew silent " Oh come on you guys! Some one has to know." It was still silent.
"Uhm lemme guess….Is it time to Party?" Jeff asked, a little unsure of himself.
"Finally!" Chris yelled and began to dance around Jeff. Jeff smiled and followed along with it. Every body began to laugh.
" Hi I am Johnny Knoxville, this is Matt Hardy, That was the Final Ride and that was the nastiest thing I have ever done." Johnny smiled and waved at the camera, he licked his lips a little then threw up all over Matt.
"Dude that was sick." Matt said and shut the camera off.
"Well what did you expect? I just licked feces off my lips."
Well I hope you guys enjoyed it, Hopefully it wasn't too bad.