Disclaimer: Don't own them!
Note: Hi you all! Sorry for the delay, but I was having creative troubles. The first part of this chap happens right after Rogue heard Remy on the phone; the second part is after she and Remy had the argument in the kitchen. Ok? And… all right, by popular demand, there will be ice cream for everybody during this chappie! Woohoo!! (Yeah, even for Scotter.) And you'll get a double portion if you review ;-)
Chapter 8: Significant conclusions.
She could hear the familiar roar of his bike's engine, as it got lost in the night.
Away from her.
Not even bothering in saying a word, or a lie. The truth was just way too obvious, and it had always been right under her nose all the time: that "chere" wasn't exclusive for her, at all. To hear Remy calling someone else the same way he'd called her so many times on her own bed, was like a slap in the face.
On this bed…
Rogue jumped out of it immediately, letting tears flow freely, which she didn't do very frequently. The bed, that t-shirt he forgot once on the back of the chair, the whole bedroom and probably even her own body smelling like him; his presence was just everywhere. She wished she could escape from all of this as easy as he did, just taking off on his bike. But she was trapped here, alone, hating herself for starting something she wasn't ready for.
So she sat on the carpeted floor with her back against the wall, and closed her eyes tight. This would have to finish at some point: this soul ache, the way she still saw her life tied to his… it'd all be gone some day and she'd be ok.
She wouldn't love him anymore, ever again.
She'd stop crying and things would be fine.
"Gawd, make it stop…" she breathed heavily, running her fingers through her hair.
It'd be over. She'd be ok…
How could she let go something she felt she needed to breathe?
And how could she possibly loose control this way, becoming addicted to him? Is this who she was, what she deserved: somebody's leftovers?
At the beginning she didn't feel how cold it was getting, but then it was too much to resist; so she reached for the bedspread, pulled it down and wrapped herself with it.
And she wondered what could hurt the most: to stay by his side this way, knowing she was used for amusement, or to walk away from him? Both were probably equally painful, though in different ways, but maybe… maybe she still owed herself a little bit of respect; even after giving up her untouched skin to a total stranger, only because he made her horny and because she imagined some kind of connection magically existing between them, at first look.
It was so hard and contradictory, like most things, like most decisions, like freaking life: opposite forces pulling her from different directions while she was in the middle, scared to realize that what seemed to be wrong in the past, had started being less so; she'd changed, all of this had changed her.
And now she had to finish it.
And it was so difficult…
She buried her face in the blanket. If she was going to cry, she'd do it as much as possible tonight; she needed to be composed tomorrow.
She couldn't show she was breaking inside because of him.
Rogue wanted to keep playing her rational part and actually get to believe in it, trying again to convince herself that she had done the right thing.
But she didn't know anymore what she was doing.
It'd been so hard to look into his eyes and remain firm, but it was even harder not to give in to his words; and she was about to, for a moment, when he said he cared… but then her brain took control of the situation, silencing her heart. Just a quick decision, a second, a single word can change so many things, like a chain reaction. Her pride spoke, his too, and it all went so messed up.
Could he really be leaving…?
It was usual: always a headache when her soul was in distress. So she laid on her bed, so tired and empty she didn't feel like crying anymore. She just wanted, needed to rest her eyes and her mind for a while.
She blinked numbly and took a glimpse at the clock: 10:50 pm.
He said he cared… he said he needed to be with her…
It wasn't too cold tonight.
Rogue closed her eyes.
He said he'd leave…
When she opened her eyes again, her heart was going a thousand miles per hour; what was she dreaming of? She didn't remember, but then it hit her again, like maybe she hadn't stop repeating that sentence in her head while she was sleeping: he said he'd leave. And seeing it was now past midnight, the terror filled her veins: he could be gone already.
Maybe she shouldn't care and should stare at her reflection in the mirror the same cold way she looked at him when he said he'd leave; but what she saw was fear in every inch of her face: fear of loosing the only man she could imagine herself with.
"Damn it" she laughed nervously, while putting on her shoes: "This is ridiculous… but what am Ah t' do? Ah love yah… yah stupid piece of Swamp Rat…"
She walked out the door, wishing she could analyse this right now, and offer some very convincing arguments to support her current actions.
But who ever said she was reasonable, after all?
She couldn't ask him to stay, though; she just wanted to clear things up about what he said, and to find out if he truly meant it.
The hallways were death silent. Each step leaded her towards the one thing she was supposed to walk away from, and she wondered if she should get back and leave things as they were. But she was like possessed by this impulse; nothing would stop her now.
When she came in to his bedroom, without knocking first, the lights were off. Generally she'd feel tingly inside doing this, because of the rush of hiding from the rest of people and the excitement of what would come next; but tonight she was tense, not even knowing what she'd say to him.
There was no answer, so she turned on the lights and this awful shudder hit her whole being: neither he nor his stuff were in there.
A few steps back, and she stumbled. This made no sense… or did it? He really left, same as he arrived, easily leaving her behind… but how…? How could she ever leave him behind, get over him? It was impossible, she'd always love him, she'd always feel this way no matter how much time would go by… wouldn't she ever see him again? And if she did, would he care? She had just lost what she had yearned for her whole life, and it all was just so absurd… he was gone…
Her shoulders shook with each restrained sob as she made her way back, feeling utterly stupid. It didn't matter anymore whose fault was it, the fact was that she felt so used, and that it all was over; he wouldn't kiss her ever again... He said he cared…!
But no, this was it. She would be alone again, companied by nothing but memories, and what good could they do to her?
Everything was falling apart in her soul when she entered her bedroom, and then her brain went upside down the moment she bumped into someone.
"What…?!" Her expression went from dismay, to confusion and embarrassment, when Remy's eyes were the ones she met: "What are yah doin' here?! How yah got in?" Still trying to recover from the emotional rollercoaster this night was, she pronounced these words mechanically, though deep inside, she could do nothing but thanking God for him to be here.
He stared at her and almost smiled slightly, like her abrupt questions were enough for him to feel better:
"I was t' knock, but de Wolverine didn't think it'd be a good idea; de man wanted t' kill me… so I climbed up, reached yer balcony an' here I am." He noticed her misty eyes, her blocked nose, and he felt like the biggest jerk on earth; could there possibly be a way for him to fix all of this? "An' y'? Where were y'?"
She lowered her eyes, hesitating:
"Ah was…" In the kitchen? Out for a walk? It's none of your business? No; she couldn't keep pretending anymore: "Ah went t'… talk t' yah, but yah're obviously not there an'… Ah thought yah were gone."
He was wearing his trench coat, his boots, his gloves, exactly as the day he first arrived to the mansion.
"Yeah… picked up my stuff an' jumped on de bike. But I couldn't leave." He wasn't speaking teasingly or charmingly, as he normally used to; this was one of the first times Rogue saw in front of her not the player, but just a man willing to get serious: "I can't leave, chere… Not like dis."
She looked into his eyes questioning, wondering if he really felt the same thing she did; then, she walked inside the bedroom and sat on the bed, her arms crossed over her chest. She had no clue to where this would lead them, but one thing was for sure: it did feel right.
Remy closed the door and came to sit by her side. None of them said anything for a few moments. It was way easier to make up some romantic rubbish to any random girl, than to accept what he really felt and just say it; but he managed to put his thoughts together and continued:
"Chere, I made a mistake last night." It was hard for him to speak, it was hard for her to listen, but it had to be done: "An' dat mistake was t' fool myself in thinkin' y' meant nothin' t' me. But why, Rogue?" he faced her now, and she had no option but to do the same: "'Cause I'm an idiot! 'Cause I got scared, cherie, 'cause I didn't know what de hell I was feelin', but now I know… I know I don't wanna be away from y' again."
"I know what I've been my whole life, but come t' think: why will I ever wanna be with anyone else, if y've got everythin' an' even more I could ever dream of…?"
"Remy, wait, Ah just need t' understand…" she rubbed her eyes, like things could get clearer this way: "Ah need t' know what yah mean with all this…"
"What I mean…?"
"Yeah, yeah: what do yah really want from us, yah an' me? Ah?"
"I asked myself dat, for a while, yeah…" He took a deep breathe: "I only wanna be with y', Rogue. An' no one else."
"Gosh, is that what yah really want? Think 'bout it, Ah…"
"Answer me one thing" he stated, cupping her face between his hands: "Y' want it too? Hein? To be with me, like, dunno, like Scott an' Jean?"
"Scott an'…?" she laughed nervously.
"Seriously, cherie, please, answer dis. I need t' know if I'm right at dis."
"Remy…" she placed her hands on his: "How could Ah not want that? Yah think Ah'm made of stone, or what? Yah think Ah can kiss someone an' everythin', an' feel nothin'? No feelings at all? Ah could never do that, yah know?"
He was so relieved to hear this, but there still was the trust issue:
"Den… I think I know how we can solve dis out."
"How?" she shrugged, not sure of what he meant it needed to be solved; or which part of it.
He took his hands away from her face: "Chere, y' don't trust me, do y'? Y' don't think I can be faithful… right?"
After a few seconds, she just nodded in response.
"Bien; I wanna prove t' y' I'm willin' t' it. I need y' t' see what I feel; dat I'm not lyin' when I say I wanna try, an' make things right." She still looked confused, so he explained himself with two words: "Absorb me."
Visibly shocked, she stood up: "What the hell, Remy?! Yah insane?!"
"Hey, I've seen y' doin' it in de Danger Room! Y' give someone a little touch an' ten seconds later dey're just fine! Listen…"
"No, no, yah listen t' me: every guy that has ever dared t' touch me, I've ended up with his thoughts an' everythin', up inside mah head! An', Jesus, Ah'm not sure if Ah want that right now, with the only person Ah've ever…" she was about to say "loved", but she stopped herself right on time: "With yah… this is absurd!"
He was starting to learn what to deal with this kind of situations: to let her explode a few moments and say the first things that came to her mind; he should not take them personally; then, a little bit later, she'd be more calmed and would think clearly. And that's exactly what happened, when she sat down again by his side.
"I just don't want y' t' feel insecure 'bout me, an' if dis is what it takes…" She turned around t' stare at him: "I'll be fine, chere; Remy's got a lot of energy, y' know?"
She couldn't believe how things got to this point. But maybe… maybe it was fair, as bizarre and twisted as it could sound: she'd given up everything to him, and now… maybe it was time to get something in return. But his thoughts, his memories… it was too much; it was someone's most private and precious things. And he wanted to share that with her… was it fair?
"Gawd, Swamp Rat" she sighed: "Yah're just crazy."
"Come on" he laid back on the bed: "It'll be like a quick nap."
She came closer to him, sitting by his side:
"It don't feel good… Ah've been told."
"It's ok, chere" he squeezed her hand reassuringly.
It was always scary to use her power willingly, because she imagined that somehow she could loose control of it again. But she focused on his bare fingers and two seconds later, hi gasped like he was drowning…
Pére, frère, tante Mattie… all of his family…
The bayou and the first time he ever stole something: a wallet...
His first kiss, when he was 9… his first time, and he was only 13…
Training with the rest of the thieves: sneaking in a closed building….
The assassins. The Beaudroux. Belladonna… the woman he was supposed to marry with, but he never did it.
What a nice ass… Rogue could see herself looking for something in the fridge…
She wanna play hide an' seek? D'accord, but she'll later on have t' explain how come they still call her untouchable…
I need t' kiss dat fille again…
Is she scared? Does she feel okay? I gotta take dis slow… Chere, y' okay…? I need t' know if she's all right… what's she thinkin' now? She looks so beautiful… damn, she is beautiful: all of her…
How 'bout a nice dinner? Ah, a little more of dat southerner drawls is all Remy needs…
She's gorgeous, plus smart, plus funny…
Then she saw herself sleeping… y're so calmed, cherie… so peaceful right now; I love y', Rogue…
I can't do dis… she deserves better dan someone like me…
But she's different… this is different to anything else I've ever lived… I can't just let her go… I gotta make this right…
Merde, she hates me…
I can't leave… I love her… Chere…
Everything seemed blurry around.
He didn't know where he was or what was going on, like he had lost something; until he finally reacted and it all flowed back to his mind.
He tried to sit down, but couldn't: she was lying by his side, with her head resting on his chest. So leaning back again, he sighed: It seemed it'd worked.
"Dat was breathtaking, non?" For some odd reason, he liked to have experienced this; her power was a part of her, after all, and he wanted to know everything that concerned her.
"If yah wanna call it dat way."
"How long was I gone?"
"'bout fifteen minutes, not too much" she looked up at his face: "Ah went easy on yah."
"Merci." Rogue smiled but right then her eyes saddened, and rested her head again. "What's up, chere? Y' didn't like what y' saw in dere?"
"Ah just… Ah'm sorry we had to do this, yah know? Ah should have trusted yah."
"Look: if it'd t' be done for y' t' say dat t' me, den 'twas worth it, don't y' think?"
They stayed like that for a while, just feeling each other's presence, so close and embraced, but none of them touching the other one's skin; like somehow they were starting again, but with no games this time.
"An' now what?" she questioned.
"Now?" he hugged her tightly: "I've never done dis 'fore, but chere…" he waited until she met his eyes again: "Y' wanna be my girlfriend?"
She immediately began to laugh and hid her face on his chest. All the bad things, her fears and doubts were now forgotten.
"What?" Remy seemed worried: "Non? What is it? Y're drivin' me nuts!"
"Sorry, Sugah; I just wonder what's crazier: to sleep with yah without even knowin' yah, or to try to have an official relationship with yah."
"But we did well in de first one, didn't we?" he winked, caressing her chin.
"So? So what, Rems? Yah think Ah'm gonna say no all of a sudden? 'Course yes! Yeah… we're together now. Wow..."
"Yeah, wow!" he replied, and they kissed after what seemed to be ages.
"Ah'm never gonna do this again: not trustin' yah."
"An' je promets dat I'll earn dat trust. 'kay?"
"Yah better… but, what did yah say earlier on? Like Scott an' Jean?"
"Non, non, I was just sayin' it! We're better dan dem."
"Ah know" she laughed. "Gosh, how am Ah gonna tell everyone 'bout this?"
"Y' mean: how are we gonna tell everyone? But don't worry, we'll figure it out t'morrow..."
It was 1 am already, and she felt like she'd had no sleep in years. But this was the best feeling someone could go to sleep with: everything was ok, for the first time in her life.
"I love y', Rogue" she heard right next to her ear, like she was dreaming already… just like she heard it in his thoughts moments ago.
"Ah love yah too…"
Everything was more than ok.
"Oh my God… oh my God…" Kitty couldn't stop repeating. She'd gone to bed after eating her ice cream. But curiosity was killing her, so she got up and went to the surveillance room, where all of the little tv's are located. She started to search in some videos of the last days, and to her surprise, she found Rogue getting out a storeroom and then Remy doing the same a few moments later. Then, and she had to re-watch this vid several times to caught him entering her bedroom a few days ago; and she almost had a heart attack when she saw him in another video exiting her friend's room at 6:40 am.
"This is like, totally… oh my God… oh… my… God…" she giggled hysterically when the current camera showed both of them talking at the entrance door to her bedroom, and then coming in.
She was dieing to know what was happening in there. Though she thought she had a pretty good supposition of it.
She fell asleep on the chair at 2 am.
Note: Woohoo! I've been writing for about 4 hours, but I had to put this together! I hope you guys like this ending, I mean, they both ran after each other, so it was a mutual stuff. One thing I loved about this fic was that everyone seemed to have a different opinion about it; for example, in chap 7, after the argument in the kitchen, one person said Rogue had been really mean, while another one said it was Remy's fault; so I feel like I'm contributing to build a more tolerant and expressive world: YAY me!! Btw, I had to listen a hundred times the song "Walk away", by Christina Aguilera, to write the first parts of this chap; it was very helpful, as you might notice if you listen to it.
Aw, it feels so good but kinda sad too to finish a fic… really weird. You know, I have this notebook were I've been writing my randomness since the third fic I wrote ("It's different" is the ninth): I've got general ideas for each chap, stuff I wrote but never posted 'cause they sucked, crazy little diagrams, brainstorming, ideas for new fics, etc. But the notebook is over now! Aw! How sad… we lived so many things together… anyways, I'll get myself a new one ;-)
AH!! Remember your double portion of ice-cream! And thanks so much to everyone who reviewed! I love you all! This is gonna be my most reviewed fic ever! Yay! Sorry, I'm so sleepy… I'll shut up now.