Killing Ginny Weasley
One day Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley were having sex. And Harry realized he didn't like it.
"I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU GINNY!" Harry shouted as he came all over his hand.
"What the fuck. I was sleeping?" Harry shouted in his dormitory. No one woke up, because everyone else was dreaming of having crappy sex with Ginny. She's quite the whore, no matter what state of consciousness one is in.
Despite the realization that Harry had in fact been dreaming, the feelings of blind rage he was experiencing failed to disappear. Thus, Harry decided to kill Ginny Weasley.
At breakfast the next morning, sitting among the many Gryffindors, Harry felt the best way to approach the situation would be to act like a Gryffindor-- bravely, and while dressed as a lion. Avoiding the stairs-- out of laziness-- and the stares of those around him, Harry sat down diagonally from Ginny and stared at her hard. Harry then realized he had neglected to wear his glasses, hence his incredible squinting. Ginny, meanwhile, serenely buttered her toast while jacking off Dean Thomas under the table with her foot. Dean Thomas is also black.
Harry pondered what he could do. He was a Gryffindor. The brave thing to do would be to simply stab Ginny in the throat-- for it would be the best thing for all. And he always puts others before himself. Waving the fur mane of his lion costume out of his eyes, Harry lunged across the table with a spork…
Only to remember he couldn't see very well without his glasses when he heard Neville's screams.
That night Harry once again dreamed of terrible sex with Ginny. He just couldn't figure out why she thought clubbing him with baby seals was erotic. Yeah, maybe he did get off on it a little bit, but really…
"ARGH." Harry once again woke up stuck to his sheets. "DIDN'T I KILL GINNY?"
"No…" sniffled Neville from the corner, still holding an ice pack to his gored out eye. "No, you didn't…"
The next day, Harry decided to pull a Hermione, and thoroughly researched a method of demolishing Ginny's face from all memory. Thus, Harry decided to become a Ravenclaw-- at least, pretend to be. Wearing glasses and dressing like a nerd, Harry realized he didn't actually have to pretend to physically look the part-- he just had to pretend he had some brains. After scanning various ways of dismembering individuals in books in the library, Harry went to lunch prepared to do the dirty deed. Murdering, not sex. We've established that sex with Ginny is like pulling out teeth with a pair of Draco's fishnet stockings.
"Okay." Thought Harry. "Be a Ravenclaw. Kill like a Ravenclaw."
"Hello, Harry!" Hermione said when Harry sat down across from her.
"Uh, hello, Hermione. Um… meus penis est verus magnus." Harry said in attempts to appear smart. Hermione looked at him like he was a big fucktard.
Just then Ginny came and sat down beside him. At once, Harry's face turned red with rage, and both his scar and penis throbbed with magical energy. Turning to face the fire-crotch-- due to her many STD's, not her red hair--, Harry uttered the spell he had spent hours researching to create.
"Meus penis est verus magnus!"
Ginny simply performed fellatio on a banana as she looked googily-eyed at a very nervous and sweating Goyle at the Slytherin table.
Hermione looked at Harry like he shit himself. "Harry, what the fuck are you doing? You just said the same thing in Latin to Ginny that you said to me. Not all Latin is spells."
Looking down at his lap, Harry looked back up to Hermione. "I will disagree."
Once again that night, Harry had the same nightmare. This time Ginny was humping Harry and just as consistently punching him in the side of the head.
"PLEASE STOP IT." Harry screamed as he woke himself up.
"Ginny needs to die." He hollered, before climbing out of bed. Tripping over his large, charmed penis, Harry began to cry.
Neville, still in the corner with an ice pack, cried out of one eye-- Harry had poked out the other one with a spork.
Having failed to make much of an impression-- as in, killing Ginny dead in the face-- with Gryffindor and Ravenclaw techniques, Harry decided to try a more Slytherin approach. He had almost been a Slytherin, after all. He had also almost been born a witch-- all wizards are witches first in the womb. Oh yeah, he had almost been straight, as well.
Starting in the morning at breakfast, Harry employed Slytherin tactics, and subtly observed Ginny by standing five inches behind her all day. He intensely observed her at breakfast, where she chewed on her nails. He masticated at lunch, and watched her also. She chewed her nails. Finally, at dinner, when he saw her once again chewing her nails out of habit, he discovered the perfect solution to ridding the world of Ginny Weasley. He could poison her nail polish. Or… he could lunge across the table at her with a chicken leg. Dodging the chicken leg as she leaned down to give some random student head, Harry instead sailed through the air to the Hufflepuff table, where he killed Cedric Diggory.
"Uh… oh my God! Voldemort just killed Cedric! … Ahh!" Harry yelled, wiping the chicken leg grease on the butt of his pants to eliminate any unnecessary suspicion of himself. As the Great Hall erupted into chaos, Harry made a hasty exit.
After dreaming of Ginny stomping on his face, Harry again woke up impossibly hard… of hearing. Running to the bathroom and cleaning out his ears, Harry pondered his predicament. He hated Ginny. He hated that she gave him nightmares every night. He hated that he had mistakenly killed about twenty people in attempts to kill her. Basically, Harry hated Voldemort. And Ginny.
"I HATE EVERYONE." Harry yelled as he pounded his fists on the wall.
"Um, I'm sleeping, Harry?" Ron asked.
"Yes, Ron. You're sleeping."
"Oh, yeah. You're right. But why am I dreaming of seeing your penis?"
Harry looked down and realized he was still naked. However, as he was currently feeling bitter, sexually repressed, and also a bit turned on by a shirtless Ron, Harry responded with, "Why, because you're obviously gay, Ron, and in love with me."
Ron nodded thoughtfully as his eyes drooped back to sleep. "Yeah. Yeah, sounds about right."
The next morning, Harry sat down next to Ron, who kept touching his thigh and batting his eyelashes at him. Being very not turned on at this point, Harry looked across the table at Ginny, who had forgotten to wear a bra. And a shirt. What a skank, seriously.
Deciding to try the one house's tactics he had yet to try-- Hufflepuff-- Harry began making badger noises and flew across the table and began ramming his head into Ginny.
"Harry, can you please stop badgering me?" Seamus asked.
"Oh, er, sorry, Seamus. I must have aimed wrong. However, I will kill you for that terrible pun."
After casting Avada Kedavra on Seamus, Harry looked around to see that Ginny had disappeared.
Seeing Ron's eyes roll back into his head, Harry's own eyes went wide. Jumping out of his seat in disgust at Ron and Ginny, Harry stormed out of the Great Hall, unable to tolerate such a display.
Unfortunately, Harry did not notice that Ron was not in fact being pleasured by his sister, but experiencing a seizure.
Harry was getting incredibly annoyed at his lack of progress.
"Here, Harry, let me help you." Hermione said, as she put the last piece of the "Wee Little Wizards" puzzle Harry was working on in place.
"Oh, well fuck, Hermione. I could have done that." An always angry Harry replied.
Used to Harry's completely random tirades, Hermione sat down next to the bi-polar wizard and patted his hand, which was currently in his pants.
"It's okay to be angry, Harry. We've all been upset since Ron died."
Harry did a double-take. "Since when the fuck has Ron been dead?"
Hermione looked taken aback. "He had a seizure in the Great Hall yesterday!"
Harry gave a harrumph. "Well, harrumph. That's shitty. Did Ginny kill him?"
Hermione once again looked taken aback. She would have to give some back eventually. "Uh, no, Harry… sometimes seizures just happen, it wasn't Ginny's faul--"
"I HATE GINNY SO MUCH. WHY DOES SHE KILL HER BROTHER WHO I CONSIDER BANGING JUST SO SHE CAN BANG ME SOME MORE!"
By this point, Hermione was standing up in shock. "You and Ginny are having sex?! You considered fucking Ron?!"
But Harry was not paying attention. He was seething in anger, and whipping out his literal and not innuendo laden wand, he went to summon a book of spells from across the room.
"Avada Kedavra!" Harry said. An inconsequential student dropped dead.
"Oh, shit, I meant Accio. I always get those two confused."
After shoving the dead weight of the dead student aside, Harry had taken the spell book and searched frantically for a spell to stop Ginny.
Reaching an epiphany, Harry read with interest the very out-of-place summary of the three wise men at Christmas time. Flipping the page, Harry then found the perfect spell.
"I can't wait till Christmas and to kill Ginny!" Harry exclaimed, as Hermione sighed heavily, trying her best to pull the dead student off of Colin Creevey.
Reaching the Trophy Room, where he had told Ginny to meet him, Harry sighed fondly remembering how he had shagged Draco Malfoy in this very room.
Lost in his thoughts, Harry didn't notice Ginny slip inside and stealthily come up behind him. Being in a dark and sequestered room, Ginny was unable to tamp down her tramp instincts, and so she went to shag Harry without thinking.
Harry, who was pondering a phallic-looking trophy given to Sirius Black for "Services to the School" with a winking face next to it, froze as he caught a whiff of the putrid smell of whore.
"GINNY!" Harry yelled as he turned around.
"Oh, it's you." Harry said, realizing he had smelled Draco, who didn't have a shirt on.
"Er, Yes, Potter… I, uh, thought you might be here." Looking bashful, Malfoy continued. "I, uh, was wondering if maybe, you, uh, wanted to maybe… have se--?"
But before Malfoy could finish, Ginny lunged across the room and shagged him to death. In the presence of a shirtless male, she was unable to contain herself.
"GINNY!" Harry once again yelled, already fucking sick of her name. Why the fuck was it spelled that way, anyway?
"Oh, sorry, Harry. He's made of ice, and I'm made of fire… so I melted him." Ginny said, looking down at the puddle of slush that was once Draco. "Who knew he was a snowman! But then again, he always did have such a frosty demeanor!" Ginny said with a chuckle.
"SHIT GINNY I HATE YOU SO MUCH." Harry said, now unable to control himself.
Powering up for the biggest spell he had ever cast, Harry spun his wand around like a baton and pointed it at Ginny.
"POTTER POWER!" Harry shouted, unleashing the family curse that killed off all sluts. It's what Bellatrix had used on Sirius in the Department of Mysteries.
Looking a bit taken aback, Ginny sidestepped the pulsing rainbow spell, which then bounced off a trophy for Lucius Malfoy's own "Services to the School… If You Know What We're Saying", and reflected back on to Harry.
Harry's breath caught in his chest. Unfortunately, since Harry himself was also a slut for both sides of the Quidditch Playing Field, he was foiled by his own petard.
Coming over to look at Harry's lifeless body, Ginny peered down his pants.
"Well, that could have been promising."
"Meus penis est verus magnus": "My penis is real big." Roughly translated. And by rough, I mean with sand-paper.
The last hurrah.