I Had A Dream...of the Hyper Kid
This tops as longest oneshot now. Whoa. I thank the power of sugar for inspiration. I don't own anything except Stephen and Cousin Marsha. So...GET READING !
" Dude...I'M COMING BACK FOR YOOUUUUU ! "
A tall black haired kid of about fourteen grinned retarded - style. The man sweatdropped. " Who the hell are you ?! I don't even know what you are ! "
" I am a kid ! Some people call me by my birth name, but I AM LORD BUTTERCUP ! ! "
" Uh, what do you want with me, Lord Buttercup ? "
" To leave me the f--k alone, that's what. "
" ...What do you mean ? "
-.- " I never knew the big, bad leader of Team Rocket was soooo dense. Leave. Me. The f--k. ALONE ! "
" You're making this difficult, Buttercup. "
" Do I have to spell it out for you ?! GO AWAY ! "
" I don't even know how I got here ! "
" Maybe because it's a dream ? "
" ...oh, yeah... "
" Now...I don't wanna see you again. So...DIE ! "
The pokemon charged at him with a knife and flung it at the man. He fell to the bottom of the canyon, knives following him.
" AAAAAHH ! "
Giovanni fell out of bed as he screamed out of his sleep. He looked at the clock - 9 : 30 a.m. and shook his head. " This is the last time I have tuna casserole for dinner. "
When he got at his job, Giovanni went to find one of his friends. He knocked on the broom closet. " Hey, Sebastian. I had a vision last night. "
A man of about forty groggily opened the door. " Really ? Were you that drunk ? "
" No...some retarded teenage kid killed me. "
" Wow. We always knew you were screwed up, but I personally think you weren't that messed up in the head. "
Giovanni crossed his arms and scowled. " He also made me wet the bed, if you know what I mean. "
" Hehe...I don't know that much about kids, but maybe you should go to a place where you can think straight instead of going to a bar and getting wasted. "
" I don't know of a place in Kanto. "
" You know, that place south of where we are now, in Viridian ? "
" ...No way am I going to that hillbilly area ! "
" You're just saying that 'cause the Oaks live there. "
" And other people, " Giovanni muttered.
" Hehe...like your exwife ? "
" SHUT UP ! "
Sebastian grinned. " So I guess you're not going to find out what your vision left. "
" ...I really hate you. "
Giovanni held a map of Pallet Town as he walked through the plains. " Okay...I have to find my vision. Let's see...where would be a good place to burn Oaky's mailbox ? "
He thought about this for a while. " Oh. Maybe near that corn fie- "
He fell to the ground as a baseball hit him. Unconsciousness seeped into his brain as he was unknowingly dragged into a house by Ash Ketchum and his friends.
Ash grinned as he dropped the guy on the floor of his living room and poked him with a stick. " Okay, everyone. We have two hours until Mom comes home. Anyone know how to perform an exorcism ? "
Gary raised his hand. " No. I have a very good experience with using chainsaws, though. "
Tracey shrugged. " I got nothing. "
" Okay. We can go for Plan B, then. Let's make him into a girl ! " Ash cried, squealing in delight.
He got out a suitcase and quickly dressed Giovanni into one of his mother's dresses. Gary and Tracey sweatdropped. Ash grinned. " Yay ! It's like having an action figure ! "
Gary scratched his head. " Dude...I have no idea what your dad would do if he found out you were playing with an older guy like this. "
" Eh, he'd probably shoot me or something. No problem there, Oaky. If Mom gets home early, we can dump him in a pit. "
" Or use Gary's chainsaw, " Tracey suggested.
" Right. "
The three boys sighed as their captor was passed out. Ash started playing with his video games. Tracey was trying to wax his arms (please don't ask.) Gary kept poking the person with a stick.
After a long while, Ash groaned. " Dude...this sucks. This guy isn't any fun. And I thought my vision thingy was going to be accurate. "
Gary sweatdropped. " You had a vision, Ketchum ?! "
" Sure did. This guy was running around in a Darth Vadar mask. Also in some sort of cape. He looks familiar, but I can't remember who this douche is. "
" Hm. He does look familiar, " Gary muttered. " Should we use a brain scan on him ? "
" No, Mom got mad at me for breaking that last blender. She banned brain scans. "
" Ketchum, can't you do anything right ?! "
" As a matter of fact, no. "
Tracey gave a small smile. " Who wants tofu ? "
" SHUT UP, SKETCHIT ! "
" Eh. Screw you guys. I'm going back to the Lab to eat some tofu. "
The pokemon researcher walked out of the house back home. Ash sighed. " He's so whiny. "
" Yeah, and he helps me out every Saturday with making food. I want to sooo badly kick his ass. "
" Yep. For once, I agree with you Oaky. "
" Yeah...but what do we do with this guy ? "
" Uh, kill him ? "
" ASH ! "
-.- " Fine. Hey, what's your dad doing, Oaky ? "
" Uh, working. "
" Oh, right. Well, I have an idea, " Ash said, grinning evilly.
" Are you serious ? Do you remember the last time you called him ?! "
(Flashback - seven years ago...)
" Okay, Gary. I'm gonna call him. Make sure my mom isn't snooping around. "
As Ash dialed the phone a cold voice snapped. " WHO THE HELL IS THIS ?! "
" Uh, Ash. "
" Did you remember to use the toilet ? "
" Why does everyone ask me that ?! Yes ! "
The phone signal immediately went dead, and Ash sweatdropped. " Wow. Dad must be having another insanity fit. "
" Of course I don't remember, " Ash said, blushing. " But this time we have a hostage, so maybe he won't hang up the damn phone this time. "
He quickly grabbed the phone and dialed a number. The man grabbed his own phone in his sleep and opened it. " Hello ? "
" Yeah, Dad ? "
" I like tofu. "
O.o " DARTH VADAR'S MY DAD ?! "
Gary fell to the floor, laughing. " Hahahaha ! That douche is your dad ! HAHAHAHA ! "
Ash sweatdropped. " Total bummer. I never thought things could be cliched without the whole 'I am your father' phrase. "
" Spare me your problems, " Gary said, rolling his eyes. " Now that we know that this guy is your dad, we can now do any torture to him without either one of us getting sued. "
" Wow. You actually make sense. "
-.- " Shut up. "
" Okay. Let's steal his walle- "
" WHAT THE FLIP ?! "
The two boys turned around to see Delia glaring at them. Ash nervously chuckled. " Mom...you weren't coming home for a couple of hours... "
" Right. What are you doing with the mailman ?! "
" Uh, Miss K ? We know all about it, " Gary said.
Delia sighed. " Oh. It looks like he's passed out. What did you guys hit him with ? "
" A baseball, " Gary muttered, pointing at Ash.
" Great. We need to get him up. I don't want douchebag smell on my couch. Kids, take the table out. "
Ash and Gary looked at each other before moving the table. Delia cracked her knuckles and gave a small grin. " I learned this move in Friday Night Smackdown. Stand back. "
She ran forward and slammed her body down on Giovanni's chest. He coughed. " Stupid chicken fingers always trying to assassinate me, " he muttered in his sleep.
Delia sweatdropped. " Damn it. It worked with Samuel. Okay. Either one of you have a Plan B ? "
Ash raised his hand. " We can involve Gary's dad. "
" Yeah. I'm sure he'll wake up when Pops starts making fun of him, " Gary said, snickering.
" Ohh,no. We are not starting the Ketchum-Oak rivalry again, " Delia growled. " I can smash a wine bottle on his head. "
Just then, a woman of Delia's age. entered the house. She had coal - black hair in two braids. She wasn't wearing any makeup, and she had dark blue eyes. Wearing a dark green tanktop and a long gray skirt, she smirked at Delia, who glared at her. " Cousin Marsha. "
" Cousin Marsha ? " Gary whispered to Ash.
" Never heard of her, " Ash whispered back. "
The woman named Cousin Marsha grinned at Ash. " Hey. I'm Marsha Krostner, Delia's cousin. Are you her butler ? " she said, giggling.
" Uh, Ash is my son, " Delia muttered.
" Oh. Anyway, Ash, I'm from Petalburg City in Hoenn. Ever been there ? "
" Oh, yeah ! My friend May lives there ! Very countrystyle ! "
Marsha nodded. " Yep. I came here to see what my best wealthy cousin's up to. "
Delia blushed. " Uh, I'm lower middle class, thank you very much. "
" What, that old guy you married turned into a hippie ? "
" No, my ex - old guy is passed out on my couch. "
Marsha glanced at Giovanni and smirked. " Wow. I didn't know you drugged your ex-husbands. "
" SHUT UP ! "
" Hehe...are you dating that old professor now ? "
" Ew. Hell no. Samuel may be nice, but he's...ew. "
Ash grinned. " Hehe...Mom turned the Professor down once again. "
" It's sad that I have a grandpa that's been dateless for twenty years. "
" Okay, I know what you want, " Delia said wryly. " But you're not going to win this time. "
" Oh, yeah ? I'll bet you twenty dollars. "
" You're on. Ash, get me the scotch ! "
Ash sweatdropped. " Mom ? Are you okay ? "
" SHUT UP AND JUST GET ME THE GOTDAMN SCOTCH ! "
O.o " Okay... "
Two hours later, Giovanni was still passed out on the couch. By now, Delia and Marsha were way past their limit on alcohol. Ash scratched his head. " Uh, Mom ? Are you drunk ? "
Delia shook her head as she chugged another glass of scotch. " Nooo, Ashy ! I am buzzed. You'll learn the difference when (hic) you're eighteen. "
" Hey, hey. I taught myself when I was seventeen ! " Marsha slurred. " Yeah. We're all good ! "
She fell to the floor. Delia laughed. " Yes ! I knew I would beat you...bitch ! Heh ! I am...I am the greatest ! "
Immediately she stumbled into the trash can and threw up in it. Gary sweatdropped. " Um, Ketchum ? Do you know how screwed up in the head your parents are ? Seriously ? "
" Yep. You've told me twenty - three times, even after Dad left, and each time I've admitted it's totally true. Though, I'm now confused which one of them is the drunk one. "
" Yeah. Even so, if your dad acts anything like he did nine years ago, we can say we have a damn pretty good match. "
" Yeah...is he still passed out ? "
" Duh. "
" Hmm...I'm having regrets on not pissing off your dad and just letting the rivalry continue. "
" Me too. "
Ash groaned. " I haven't seen Mom drunk since at that Christmas party when I was eight. "
" Yeah. I may be Jewish, but I know that party was definitely screwed up. "
" Yeah... "
Delia came back from her episode with the trash can and giggled. " Hehe...Marsha. We've been at each other's throats since...third grade. I remember like it was yesteryear. "
" ?? The hell ?! " Gary exclaimed.
" AHHHH ! MOM'S HAVING A FLASHBACK ! "
Ash ran over to the couch and started hitting Giovanni with an umbrella. " Come on, you lazy retarded son of a bitch ! " he screamed. " I can't handle it when Mom has her episodes ! "
WHACK ! WHACK ! WHACK !
Gary sweatdropped. " Wow. Ketchum, you're insane. "
" No, wait. I have an idea. EVERYONE WAKE UP ! IT'S WORLD WAR THREE ! "
(snore - snore)
Ash facefaulted. " Damn. That worked on me. Hmm. Maybe Professor Oak can help us on this. He proved useful when we blew up the microwave. "
Suddenly, the boy got smacked on the head as Giovanni jumped off the couch. " Okay. Where the hell am I and where's that stupid professor at ?! "
" ARE YOU F--KING STUPID ?! I'M NOT GONNA LET SOME RETARDED DOUCHEBAG HIT ME, EVEN IF HE IS MY DAD ! " Ash hissed, repeatedly hitting Giovanni with his umbrella.
" Uh...wait a minute ! You're that kid that killed me in my dream ! " Giovanni exclaimed.
" And you're Darth Vadar ! " Ash said, pointing his finger. " You didn't make that phrase, but you're still cliched for having a cape on ! "
" What the hell are you talking about ?! "
" Oh, yeah...you don't have a cape. Even so, you're still clichey ! "
" And you're a snot-nosed retard ! "
" At least I don't talk in my sleep. "
" Quit lying, Ash. "
" SHUT UP , OAKY ! "
" Anyway, I don't know how I got here, so I guessed it's because of you ! "
" Damn straight. Well, Mr. Dad. You'll be happy to know that I made the Professor my dad and Mom's dating him. "
" WHAAAAT ?! I'M GOING TO HURT THAT GUY SOOO BAD ! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT I DON'T CARE ! "
Gary snickered. " Hehe...she's also pregnant. "
" Uh, why should I care ? " Giovanni asked.
" I dunno. "
" Wait a moment...you like Mom ! "
Giovanni rolled his eyes. " Yeah, right. If I don't know you, what makes you think I know your mother ? "
" 'Cause she's drunk right now and her hillbilly cousin is passed out on the floor, " Ash replied.
The older man looked at Marsha and sweatdropped. " Okay...I'm scarred for life.
TRIP ! CRASH !
" Uh, Ash ? Your mom crashed into your hillbilly cousin, " Gary said, snickering.
Ash groaned and looked at Giovanni, who just stared into outer space. " Yeah...for the love of chocolate, please do not ask. "
O.o " Kid...am I high ? "
T.T " Yeah...go to hell. "
" No problem, you little son of a bitching retard ! "
" Stupid rapist douchebag ! "
" Little bastard ! "
" Idiot man retard ! "
" Flippin' little jackass ! "
Gary sweatdropped and smacked his forehead. " Yep. These two are definitely related. "
He quietly left the room, leaving Ash and Giovanni to continue insulting each other.
(Three hours later...)
" Hmm ? What am I doing on the floor ? " Delia asked, looking at Marsha, who she was laying on. "
Gary snickered. " You passed out, Miss Ketchum. "
" Really ? Did I win the contest ? "
" Hehe...uh, where's Ash ? "
The boy sweatdropped. " Oh, he's having an insulting contest with his dad. Just try to ignore them. "
" Try to ignore what ? " Marsha asked.
" The insanity fits of the Ketchum men, " Gary muttered.
" Oh. "
Delia turned pale. " Oh, God. I totally forgot. "
She ran to the kitchen, and sweatdropped. " Uh, Gary ? You don't have any idea where Ash is now, would you ? "
" I have no idea. "
" Gotdamn it. "
Marsha snickered. " Hehe...you're gonna need the shotgun. "
" Or the hose, " Gary added.
" This sucks. "
Meanwhile, Ash and Giovanni were both in shopping carts and holding giant sticks. Ash chuckled. " All right, old man ! Time to defend my...insanity ! "
" No problem with me, " Giovanni said, smirking.
" Okay. Anything goes, except no pokemon. Let's go, Douchebag ! "
The two guys started to charge towards each other. Of course, the jousting went horribly wrong, and both of them fell into the pond. Ash threw his stick at Giovanni. " I knew you would suck ! " he hissed.
" Hey, don't talk about me, you freakin' hypocrite ! "
" I can talk about you all I want ! You probed Mom ! "
" ...what the f--k ?! "
" I AM LORD BUTTERCUP ! "
" Yeah... "
" Hehe...you're as dense as me - ee ! You're as dense as me - ee ! "
Ash started dancing around in the pond. Giovanni splashed water at him. " Kid, you are seriously pissing me off ! " he shouted.
" Me too...Dad ! "
" What are you talking about ?! "
" CHICKEN ! " Ash happily replied.
" No, you just said I'm your dad ! "
" It's totally true. "
Giovanni looked at Ash for a long time before turning gray. " N-n-n-NOOOOOO ! I CAN'T LIVE WITH THIIIIS ! "
Immediately he dunked his head into the water. Ash sweatdroppped. " You can't do suicide there. Buizel's tried a whole bunch of times. Never worked for him. Or Tracey on one of his fits. "
" GO AWAY ! I'M DREAMING ! "
" Okay. Let me help you, then. "
Ash walked up to the madman and consistently dunked his father's head into the pond. The teenager quickly turned red as it wasn't working. " Why...won't...you...die ?! "
" ASH ! "
Ash quickly turned around to see Gary, Marsha, and Delia, who was glaring at him. " Uh, what the hell are you doing, Ash ?! " she barked.
" Dad said to kill him. "
" I am not your da-...oh, crap. "
Giovanni slowly looked up at the group and moaned. " Uh...this isn't what it looks like. I was only trying to do myself in because he looked like a homicidal maniac. "
Delia gave a fierce look at the older man. " Right...you think our son is a maniac ?! " she inquired with a shrill voice.
" No...I think he's psycho. "
BAG ! BAG ! BAG ! BAG ! BAG !
As Delia started bagging Giovanni with her purse, Ash slowly crept out of the pond to watch. He sweatdropped. " This proves it. My family is mental. "
Marsha started cackling. " You should've seen the New Year's party they hosted when you were two. Both of them got soooo wasted. So did I, but I remember it. "
Ash gulped and looked at Gary, who facefaulted. " Yeah..."
(Epilogue : )
The sight wasn't the happiest. Cousin Marsha was insanely happy. Ash was suicidal based on grounding for two weeks. Gary was cursing out his family ancestry for ever moving to Pallet. Delia was hung. Giovanni was trying to make his head feel better.
The only person that was happy was Stephen, who had finally got the news and was mocking Giovanni. " Hehehe...hey, Ash. Do you know your father is half crazy ? "
" Yeah. He tried to kill himself. "
" Yeah...stupidest retard I have ever seen. "
" Watch your mouth, Oak, " Giovanni muttered.
" Hehehe...don't listen to him, kids, " Stephen said, ignoring Giovanni's attitude against him. " He's just mad because Delia's single. "
" You can shut the hell up, now, Stephen, " Delia quietly warned.
" Yeah. Knowing that Red will never have another woman in his life satisfies me. Especially when now I can ask you out ! "
Delia sharply glared at Stephen. " Stephen, if I keep turning down your dad, what makes you think I'm going to go out with you ? "
Marsha patted Ash on the shoulder. " Kids, this is the part where we watch this outside. "
O.o " Good idea. "
" Yeah. Let's go, Ketchum and crazy lady. "
Ash, Gary, and Marsha went outside to look into the window. Stephen smirked. " You know why, Delia, sweetie. I'm cool. I'm very attractive. Plus, I'm not a giant douchebag that's very lame. I have this. "
In a flash, he showed a pair of pink underwear. Delia's cheeks flared as she snatched them and hit Stephen. " You perv ! "
Giovanni got off the couch and tackled him. " You bastard ! You're going down ! "
" Go for it. I'm not the one that has the thing for Delia. "
" I do not ! " Giovanni hissed.
" Hehehe...you like Dee - li ! You like Dee - li ! "
" SHUT UP ! I am Darth Vada...I mean, Giovanni ! And I let no one steal a lady's panties, especially Delia's, and especially from you ! "
As he started fighting with Stephen, the boys sweatdropped. Ash sighed. " Whoa. Your dad's still a perv. "
" And your dad's still a douche. "
" Wonder if he really has a thing for my mom. "
Marsha giggled. " Hehe...I can get him drunk for you ! "
" Uh, no thanks, Marsha. "
Another five minutes later, things were only slightly abnormal. Stephen and Gary had finally left. Marsha had left skipping back to wherever she was (after a pint of vodka was chugged).
Giovanni was left gawking at Ash, who did likewise. " Uh...are you sure we're related ? " Ash asked Delia, who was in the kitchen.
" For the seventh time, yes. "
" You certain ? "
" Yes, Ash. "
" Are you positive, Delia ? " Giovanni inquired.
" Oh, don't you start now. Both of you eat your chicken and broccoli and just shut up. "
(Both) " Yes, ma'am. "
" Okay. "
Ash took a bite of chicken and continued to gawk at Giovanni. " So, Dad. Have you ever wet the bed before ? "
Giovanni almost choked on his food. " Uh...no. "
" Don't lie, Red, " Delia said, giggling.
" Hehe...Mom made fun of you, " Ash said, stifling his chuckles.
" Yeah...but I only started after my parents' cooking choked my bladder. You, though, started after you were taught toilet - training because you kept wanting to wear diapers. It's really sad to see a four year old piss all over on the couch. "
" I've also pissed on Professor Oak once. I didn't mean it. "
O.o " Yeah...I'm shutting up now. "
Delia lightly whacked Giovanni with her dishtowel and grinned. " Well, now that you two know each other, I'm going to have to plan some activities for you guys. "
Ash blanched. Giovanni shook his head. " Ohh, no. I rather pay child support. "
" And I'd rather cut myself and go into an orgy with Gary, Tracey, and (shudders) Paul, " Ash added.
" Too bad, " Delia replied. " Maybe you can go on camping trip next weekend. "
In an instant, both guys quickly disappeared from the house, screaming their lungs out. Delia sighed. " Oh, well. I won't be seeing either of them for a couple of days. Yes ! "
She continued to her work as things settled down (for three days.)