Thank you for choosing "I'll Give You a Nickle to Tickle my Pickle", the sequel to "What's Your Sign?" If you haven't read the first one...it doesn't really matter too much.
It was still winter, and still cold. Luckily for Colonel Roy Mustang, he didn't have to go to work. He would, instead, spend his time at home...as soon as he got done grocery shopping. He loaded his groceries in the back of the car and gt bhind the wheel, where he cranked up the heat and the radio. Once his shivers subsided, he hit the gas pedal and drive on home.
His apartment, from the front, looked shabby, as though it were in a shady neighborhood, but the interior looked just as good as something from a Martha Stewart magazine.
Roy threw the bags over his shoulder and climbed the three flights of stairs to his door. He slid the key into the lock, jiggled it, and the door opened. He shoved it open the rest of the way with his shoulder and headed for the kitchen.
He passed his bedroom, and his office on the way, and he could have sworn he heard some giggling, though he brushed it out of his mind and put away his groceries.
Then he heard it again.
Curious, he grabbed his gun from the drawer next to the sink and headed to his office. He peeked around the door jamb. There was someone in there. Roy snuck in behind them, certain they wouldn't hear him, and then jumped to where he could see them.
"Calm down, Roy," the blond boy said. "It's only me." Mustang put down his gun, sighing in relief.
"Jesus, Ed, don't scare me like that. And what are you doing at my computer?"
"Well...our talk the other day was fun. And since I don't have one at mine and AL's place, I had to come here. I wanted to look up more pickup lines."
"I found some really weird ones."
"Weird how? Like weird creepy or weird funny?"
"Some of both... listen to this." Ed scrolled down the page until he found what he was looking for. "Your name must be Mickey, because you're so fine!"
"I don't get it..."
"Yeah, me either. Is that from, like, a song or something?"
"Here's another. 'I'd marry your cat just to get in your family'."
"Isn't it? This whole site if pretty weird. Oh, here's another. 'Do you live around here often?'"
"Yeah, that's what I said. Then I saw the top of the page. Come here, take a look." Roy looked over the younger boy's shoulder. At the top of the page, white words scrolled across the annoying black backdrop, hurting his eyes. Why couldn't they just use normal font and backdrops?
These are pick up lines that will defintely make the one you use them on go "WHAT?!"
"This one's really good, I laughed for like, five minutes. 'I wanna spank you with a sack of kidney beans while you cover yourself in whipped cream and let a duck named Jeff lick it off you'."
"Isn't it funny? There are these really crazy long ones, too. Like there was this one about the future...it was like 'we could dance, and then you'd give me your number because I'm too shy to ask, and I'd call you and we'd hang out a few times, and I'd meet all your friends and eventually we'd get over the sexual tension and have an actual sex life, which would be fantastic, and we'd have a kid, and we'd be so well off that we'd move into a huge house and then since I'd be at work all day we'd have more kids so you had something to do, and then I'd need to work more to pay the bills until you just couldn't take it anymore and you kicked me out of the house and we had to explain to the kids why Mommy and Daddy were splitting up, so if you dance with me, and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual."
"Ed...I'm not sure I'm in the mood for pick up lines...I kinda wanted to catch some sleep...it is my day off..."
"Aw. Alright, you can go to sleep, but first, listen to this one. 'If you were suddenly transported to the sun because of an evil scheme devised by an evil Russian chicken and asked to take off your clothes and make love to the burning flames and then recite the presidents in alphabetical order by their middle name while juggling 11 midgets holding soda cans between your two front teeth that will be operated on by 86 evil Czechoslovakian dentists named Farkus who got their degrees studying the taste buds of Tom Selleck at a college named after some guy who wasted away his life by eating pork grinds naked in his mom's basement while searching for pictures of Kirsten Dunst to use for purposes that cannot be explained by the 1972 Junior High class of some school that no one cares about in Eastern Idaho where woodland creatures choose to spend their lives trying to recreate some bad 1940's soap opera instead of frolicking happily in the woods, would you prefer chocolate ice cream or vanilla?'"
Roy couldn't help but join Edward in laughing. "That was so pointless. But so funny..." he choked out. "Alright, alright, I'm gonna go to sleep. Go home, Ed, I'll call you later."
"'Kay." Ed kissed his lover on the cheek before grabbing his coat and heading out the door. Roy changed into his pajamas and tucked himself under the covers, snuggling down into his pillow and trying to calm himself. But he couldn't stop thinking of random things. He'd be on his way to dreamland, and suddenly the words "Czechoslovakian dentists", "Russian Chicken", or "Juggling eleven midgets" would float into his mind, and he'd laugh.
It got to the point where he wasn't tired anymore. He sat up, frustrated, squinting through the dark room. He noticed, when his vision cleared, that the computer was still on...and that page of stupid pick up lines was still up. Roy was tempted...
He got up and looked around the room, as if someone wlse was there, watching him, waiting for him to do something embarrasssing. Realizing he was being paranoid, he just sat in his chair and scrolled down.
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Did your father have sex with a carrot, because you have nice eyes.
That one confused him. Did carrots have eyes? He made a mental note to look it up later.
I'm writing a term paper on the finer things in life...and I was wondering if I could interview you.
If my pillow had a hole in it, I'd name it after you.
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living.
Roy thought that one described himself, and also didn't think he was arrogant at all for thinking that.
Wanna see a trick I learned in prison?
You must be a high jumper, because you make MY bar raise.
Got two nipples for a dime?
And then Roy saw it. The one that was stupid, and yet funny enough to make him smile. He looked over at his clock. It was still a reasonable hour. He picked up the phone and dialed Ed's number.
"Hello?" The voice on the other end asked.
"Hey, Ed? Giant polar bear."
"It broke the ice."
A/N: Okay, this one was kinda dumb...but I was looking up more stupid pick up lines and I saw the really crazy long ones and the one about the duck named Jeff and I had to. Also because some people were asking for a sequel. Hope you enjoyed.
And yes, the giant polar bear one was on there. And yes, it made my favorites list.