Characters/Ships: Chuck Bartowski and Sarah Walker.
Time-line: A random point in time after Chuck vs. the Marlin. But, really, it's irrelevant.
Author's note: Thanks to BillAtWork for inspiring the last part. Honestly, these were two different pieces, but I mashed them together, so I hope they work! Oh! In addition to the combining, this is my very first fic in first person... So don't be too harsh! (or be harsh. whatever) Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy and I also hope that you review... -hint, hint-
Disclaimer: Guess what... I don't own anything other than a pair of Chuck Taylor Converse and 4 episodes of Chuck on my ipod... Other than that... I got nothin'! Read on, my friends, read on!
Lost and Found:
For the longest time, I've been lost. I've been wondering in this world not knowing where I am going to end up. I've been assigned temporary things, but it's not there than I'm lost. When it comes to my job, I know what I'm doing--It's when it comes to relationships that I'm lost.
I always thought that Bryce was my kind of guy. He's smart, cunning, good-looking, mysterious, and tough. Bryce was the perfect significant other for an agent like myself.
He was my partner, but even then, he was something more. The relationship that we had, at the time, seemed far from dysfunctional. It seemed as if we were doing everything right for our given situations. But now, looking back on my life with my past lover, it was dysfunctional. Never once did we actually discuss our feelings, if there were any there.
Me and Bryce were all sparks, no flames.
When I first met Chuck, I naturally assumed that he's a useless geek that had no life outside of his online call of duty connections and what not, but I was mistaken.
Chuck, nerdy for sure, is a man who is much more in tune with his feelings. He knows how he feels, and expresses it, even when unwanted. Chuck cares about what others have to say and would jump at the chance to discus ones feelings if given to him.
Bryce always pushed the opportunity away when I threw it at him.
Chuck's physical assets differ from Bryce's, but Chuck is seemingly perfect. He is tall, has hypnotizing eyes, a smile that I would kill for--and I seriously do mean that I'd kill-- as well as a sense of humor that can be subtle in all the right times and an overall loving personality.
But it's hard differentiating the two. Accounting what I "felt" for Bryce and what I feel for Chuck, I can't tell which one is real.
With Bryce, I thought loved him. I really, truly did believe that. But, I never allowed Bryce to distract me during a mission. With Chuck, I'm not sure if what I feel is love, because it's different from my feelings towards Bryce. But, Chuck distracts me and I 'let my lady feelings get in the way' as Casey always scolds.
My only proof for an answer is the way Bryce acted in comparison to how Chuck acts.
For us, in the world of an agent, we're trained to put ourselves before our partners of fellow agents, which is exactly how Bryce and I treated each other. You always have to make sure that you're secure before you check on your partner. With Chuck, disregarding my protecting situation, he puts me first. Sometimes, mainly when it's dangerous, it's not such a good thing, but at least he does it. And that's just one of the many things that I love about Chuck.
Bryce didn't care; Chuck does. Chuck would do anything; Bryce wouldn't.
Knowing that, I've found my way. No longer am I lost. Chuck Bartowski is my way. He's my key for happiness and, secretly, that's all I want.
I want that white dress, cake smashed into my face, a honeymoon. I want a house with the little pitter patters of small feet running around. I want that loving and caring husband that brings home flowers because he can.
I want that life with Chuck, the man that I love.
But when he brings up the unwelcome topic of our feelings, I can't bring myself to say all this. The denied discussion has a fairly regular appearance per week. It usually comes up after a mission where I have to seduce a man to get information out of him, which bugs Chuck.
I never fail to notice how his anger and frustration plays on his face as he attempts to inconspicuously watch me. I know he's getting used to it, though, because lately I've only been able to see his disapproval through his eyes.
The revelation of my feelings for Chuck had just recently happened when he decided to bring the subject up once again. My heart was dying to tell him everything, but my agent head wasn't going to let me.
"Please Sarah." He pled, his eyes slowly filling with tears. This conversation seemed to get harder and harder for him every time, which was weird, because I always figured that it'd get easier after a while from getting used to my rejection. "Give me one legitimate reason why we can't be and I'll leave it. We'll be nothing more than friends. I promise."
Gathering my previously voiced replies, I take a deep breath, praying that my head will come over my heart. "Chuck, we just can't."
Chuck stood from the bed and paces. "Reasons, Sarah. Just remind me of the reasons for the twentieth time so that I can shut them down and prove my point." he requested, slightly frustrated.
I sigh. He's not going to give up. "Okay, Chuck. First off, if Graham were to find out, I'd have my ass on a silver platter. I'd be reassigned and you'd stand more of a chance to go into an underground bunker where you won't get the daily pleasure of breathing in the fresh outdoor air."
I watch as Chuck dismisses my answer and walks into my kitchen to get a water bottle. I don't even remember why exactly he's over here, but somehow, we ended up at my apartment talking about this again.
"Nope. You see, Sarah, Graham doesn't have to find out, and they already believe that our cover is boyfriend-girlfriend. You wouldn't have to leave." He replies as he sits on the floor, leaning against the wall.
"Well, then I'd be compromised. Which would end up just the same. I'd be reassigned and you'd be left with Casey and the General who wants to have you terminated."
"If we keep it secret, why is being compromised a big deal?"
Out of slight frustration, I take a deep breath before answering. "It can get us killed. If I'm shown to be compromised, then it can get one of both of us killed on a mission by the distraction of my feelings."
Chuck stares at his water bottle. Clearly, this answer seems to have made a big point that seems to can't be beat, or so I think.
"Sarah?" he says, as he continues to play with his bottle.
"Aren't you already compromised? I mean, since we have to actually have this conversation, doesn't that mean that you're compromised?"
Damn, he actually has a point. I mean, sure, I know that I'm compromised, but I feel that if I keep pushing my feelings away, then I'd be fine. But he's absolutely right.
I think back to my new decision of what I want. How I want the nice house with the husband and kids. How I want it to be him. I start to doubt that this conversation is actually worth fighting anymore.
But then I think of how it was so much easier before. Not only with Bryce and how we didn't talk about our feelings, as much as it would hurt from time to time, and in the beginning with Chuck. It was so much easier to deny my feelings for Chuck in the beginning.
And then I realize that I'm being exactly like Bryce. Bryce always pushed this conversation away. Bryce always refused to talk about how we really felt. And I remember how much I hated that. Chuck must feel the same way.
I know I can't keep pushing him away like Bryce pushed me away, especially since I know that Chuck is the key to my future. But yet, I try once more to push him away. I guess old habits do die hard.
"It'd be harder on the both of us when I have to leave."
He fires back with another question. "Don't you think it's already going to be hard now? Sarah, I'm in love with you, and have been for a while now. Whether you leave in two hours, in two months or in two years, it's going to hurt. All I'm asking for is your trust, Sarah. Your trust and your love."
I don't know what it was, but something he said made me break. Whether it was the sincerity in his words, or the love in them, it made me done fighting.
From my position on the bed, I bring my knees to my chest, trying to hide my damp face. "I'm scared." I whisper, unconsciously hoping he didn't hear.
"Sarah," Chuck rises from the wall and kneels on the floor below me. "Let me protect you. I won't hurt you, I promise."
I lean into him, allowing a small sob to escape from my lips. In response, he wraps his arms around me and rubs my back. "I-I... Don't... I'm no good at..." I stutter, unable to form a complete sentence.
"Please trust me Sarah. We'll go through everything together, I just need you to put your trust in me. I think I've earned that much, right?"
I nod in response.
"Good." He says as he continues to hold me.
Once I've calmed down and stopped crying, he pulls me up from his chest and gives me one of his kill-worthy smiles. "Well, it seems to me that you haven't given me a good enough answer, so I guess you'll just have to try this out with me, huh?"
"Okay. I guess." I laugh, making sure he knows that I was joking.
Bryce is a thing of the past. He was the catalyst for me finding Chuck and learning what not to do in a relationship. For that, I have him to thank.
But Chuck... Chuck is the man of my future. He saved me from the unhappiness that my future was bound to have in store.
I now know for sure that I want the cliché wedding with the homely house and sounds of little feet running around. But for now, we'll take one step at a time. Together.