-: :-It was Heaven, Right Smack In The Middle of Hell-: :-
It was the day of Bella's wedding. My Bella's wedding. I was incredibly happy and immensely sad all at once. I don't know what to really call that emotion, so I'll just leave it as it is. My love for Bella will never die out, I told her that many times. I respected her choice, and I would never go against it. Whatever makes her happy...
I wish it could be me that could make her happy.
She wanted a simple wedding. She had told me that from the beginning. She wanted the wedding to take place in our meadow. I was rather delighted that she thought so highly of it. The place that always gave me peace could now make her the happiest woman alive. She was getting married to someone she loved, and someone who loved her back.
So why wasn't I happy?
-: :- Don't lie and say that it's okay... -: :-
-: :- It's alright if... there's nothing more to say... -: :-
I put on my black suit and sighed at myself in the mirror. I never spent so much time getting ready before. Why was I so nervous? I shouldn't be nervous. This feeling that I'm feeling is insane. I should be happy. I should be happy.
Come on Edward, you're 107 years old... be happy.
Bella would always have my heart, I realized. It would always be hers, whether she knew it or not. I heard Alice call from downstairs; it was time to get to our meadow. I picked up the rings and went downstairs. I glanced at the clock, and realized that we were going to be early. This wedding was going to take place at the hour of twilight, as per Bella's request. It's quite ironic, really.
"Twilight, again," I murmured. "Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end."
"Some things don't have to end," Bella replied.
I do wish that she had been correct, because everything has an ending. Life... has an ending. Love... has an ending... and we... we had an ending.
-: :- So I'm running away... -: :-
-: :- I'm leaving this place... -: :-
We arrived fashionably early, as the old saying goes, and my family was there first among anyone else. I glanced up at the sky. It was not twilight yet. It would be soon. This would be the twilight of my life.
"So you're ready for this to be the end," I murmured low, "for this to be the twilight of your life, though your life has barely started. You're ready to give up everything?"
"It's not the end, it's the beginning," Bella replied.
The scene was beautiful. Many flowers, a magnificent stage for exchanging the vows and such, an aisle for my beautiful Bella to walk down, and several rows for guests to sit at. It was so small... so simple... just the way Bella wanted it. I glanced at the rows for the guests, and at my family members that were taking their seats. I would not have the honor of sitting with them. I had a different matter to attend to.
I was the best man.
I pulled out the rings that were to be exchanged from my jacket pocket. I glanced at the ring that would soon be on Bella's finger and smiled. I wished it was my ring on Bella's finger.
Jacob and all his dog friends arrived first. They took their place on the left side of the rows, leaving my family at the right. I only glanced at them, and then I turned back to look at the whole set-up. I did not want to face Jacob. I couldn't... but I knew I had to. I had to be a gentleman, even if this was my last night.
-: :- Don't tell me I'm the one to blame... -: :-
-: :- It's too late for you to make me stay... -: :-
"Hey Edward," I head Jacob's voice from behind me, and I couldn't stop the pain that shot through me. I realized at that moment that moments ago was the first time he had actually said my name and not called me a bloodsucker.
"Jacob," I said, not turning around.
I heard him take a couple of steps forward, and place a hand on my shoulder.
"I'm not here to poke fun at you. I'm not here to call you names..." his voice was gentle, and I could almost feel the happiness radiating off of him. "I wanted to say thank you."
I closed my eyes.
Be strong, Edward... I could hear the voice of Esme play in my head. You have to be stong for her.
"Thank me?" I finally spoke up.
I realized that Jacob was at my side, staring off into the distance with me. He did not turn to look at me, and I did not turn to look at him.
"You gave me Bella," Jacob said carefully.
I finally decided to open my eyes, 'I did not give her to you' I yelled in my head. 'I gave her what was best for her.'
With Jacob, she could have children. With Jacob, she could live out her life. With Jacob, she could love him unconditionally without the threat lingering above either of their heads that he would take her blood.
-: :- No, I won't stay... -: :-
-: :- So I'm running away... -: :-
"Jacob..." my voice was a pathetic excuse for a whisper.
His eyes looked to me.
"Please... take care of her. I won't be around for her much longer."
Jacob's eyes widened- I knew this would be his reaction. I was only telling him the truth.
"Of course I'll take care of her. I would give my life for her as much as you would, and you know that... but... what do you mean... about not being around for much longer?"
My eyes, pitch black from thirst, looked to him.
"I can't live without her, Jacob. I'm not going to pretend I'm happy when I've been suffering since the day I let her choose you."
"You can't just go and kill yourself because she chose me!" Jacob whispered harshly.
I closed my eyes once more, and handed him a small envelope. He took it, giving me a questioning glance.
"Give it to Bella after your wedding..." I said.
Inside would be my last confession to my only obsession.
Jacob looked to me and sighed, then stuck the envelope in the back pocket of his pants. He then stared off into the night, the soft lights were turned on low and a romantic atmosphere filled the meadow.
"I'll give it to her," Jacob said.
I nodded, "Thank you."
"You know she isn't going to be happy with this..." Jacob said sadly.
"She will understand."
Jacob sighed and stood next to me for a little while longer, looking up at the darkening sky.
"It's almost time. She'll be here soon... might as well take our places."
I nodded as Jacob took his place on the altar. I turned around and saw how the rows had filled up quite nicely. I took in a breath and my eyes shot open at her scent. Bella was here, and God help me she smelled delicious.
I was excited to see her. I just wish she was excited to see me. I knew who she had come here for, however. And it was not me.
-: :- I'm leaving this place... -: :-
-: :- Yeah, I'm running away... -: :-
I took my place to the right of Jacob, where the best man should stand. The rings I held for them burned in my pocket- nearly searing my skin. I'm over-reacting as always, and theres no one that can stop me now.
Then, as I stood there, wrapped up in my own thoughts, music started. Everyone in the rows stood up and Bella's scent grew closer and closer. Then... there she was. She stood at the other end of the altar, preparing for her walk down to us. She looked absolutely magnificent. She was adorned in white, her dress fit over her curves and showed parts of her creamy skin. She wore a veil that framed her face, but I could still see her perfectly.
She looked like a beautiful angel. I knew she was too good to be mine.
"He called you pretty," I frowned. "That's practically an insult, the way you look right now. You're much more than beautiful."
And then Bella laughed softly, her cheeks blushing crimson. "You might be a little biased."
"I don't think that's it. Besides, I have excellent eyesight," I teased.
I wanted to hold her in my arms one last time... and I would make sure that I did before the night was over. I could not leave her without feeling her embrace me once more...
I decided that by the end of this night, my angel would be the last person I touch.
-: :- And faster than you can follow me from this lonely place... -: :-
-: :- And farther than you can find me, I'm leaving... -: :-
Then, Bella began her procession down the aisle. Charlie was holding her close to him, tears in his eyes. I could see Bella's mother in the audience around us. She had tears in her eyes too.
And if I were human, there would be tears in my eyes as well.
Bella made her way to the altar, and Jacob held his hand out for her. Jacob gave her a smile, and Bella smiled back. I didn't miss that she smiled at me, either. If I was a human, I knew that, without a doubt, my heart would be beating out of my chest.
A smile from an angel can do that to you.
I barely caught everything that happened... because my mind was lingering in its memories. Memories when Bella was mine. I didn't realize how much I truly needed her until she was standing on the altar with another man.
"I do..." Jake said, gazing into Bella's dark brown eyes.
The pastor then turned to Bella, reciting the same vows to her. I closed my eyes, trying to tune them out. I didn't miss, however, the part where Bella was to say 'I do'.
Her brown orbs turned to look straight into my eyes. Her eyes showed longing. She smiled then, and closed her eyes.
"I do..." she replied.
I could feel my world crumble.
-: :- Yeah, I'm leaving today... -: :-
-: :- And I'll never let you find me... -: :-
Now was my time. I took a step foward, rings in hand. Jacob was first to take a ring and slip it on Bella's finger. Jacob's happiness was undeniable, I could feel it from where I stood. And then, Bella took the ring that was meant for Jacob. Her skin brushed against mine for a moment and electricity shot through me.
Could she feel what I felt?
"Ladies and gentleman," the pastor announced, "I am now proud to present to you... Mr. and Mrs. Jacob Black."
I cringed at the words.
And... that was pretty much it. The wedding went by quickly, and Jacob and Bella had gone off together. I would see her again at the reception afterwards. I wanted her to smile for me once more.
"You did good," I heard Alice say.
Strange, I hadn't even heard her come up to me. I didn't reply to her, my eyes fixed on the moon above my head. It was twilight.
"Let's head toward the hall," Emmett said, coming behind me and willing my legs to walk forward, "We can't miss the reception!"
My family knew where I was going after the reception. They knew how I was going to my death. Nothing they could do or say would stop me. This was my choice. My decision. I was not holding back.
With each step I took, I slowly detached myself from my past. Goodbye Carlisle. Goodbye Esme, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie...
... goodbye my beautiful Bella.
-: :- I'm leaving you behind in the past... -: :-
-: :- No, I won't look back... -: :-
The reception hall was crowded before we even arrived. It was late at night and early in the morning all at once. It took about a half hour before Bella and Jacob walked in, hand-in-hand. Everyone cheered for them, but I couldn't even will myself to make the effort.
Forgive me, Bella.
Speeches began and congratulations were exchanged before the lights dimmed and the music took over. I would not be here much longer, that I knew. I took in a deep breath and made my way to Bella. She was speaking to her father before I arrived. The moment she saw me, she turned around and threw her arms around me.
"Congratulations..." I whispered in her ear.
She stayed in my arms, "Edward..." I heard her whisper.
How is it that all my worries disappeared when I held her in my arms?
"Thank you..." she mumbled against my shirt.
"You don't have to thank me for anything, love..." I replied.
I closed my eyes in shame. I hadn't meant to call her "love"... I was just so used to it-
"...sorry," I quickly added.
"You don't have to apologize," Bella said, her arms still around me. "Come, I want to speak with you outside for a moment."
Bella took my hand and led me outside into the parking lot. The moon still loomed overhead, and I took in a deep breath of the night air. Too bad the only thing I smelled was Bella.
I was intoxicated. She was my drug and I would die if I didn't have her.
And that's what was going to happen.
-: :- And I don't want to hear your reasons... -: :-
-: :- Don't want to hear you tell me why I should stay... -: :-
"I'm glad you came," Bella finally spoke up, looking up into the sky.
"What? You think I would miss the chance to be the best man?" I said with fake enthusiasm. I hoped she wouldn't catch it.
She sighed, and I got the feeling that she did catch it. She was always too perceptive for her own good.
"I love you, Edward..." she whispered.
The breath caught in my throat. Ironic, really... since I didn't need to breathe in the first place. I looked to her, shocked. Did she mean... she loved me as a best friend?
That would never be enough for me, and she knew it.
"Why did you let me go...?" she asked, she sounded like she was about to cry.
This isn't right. Angels don't cry.
I looked to her, and I was surprised more than anything. Why had she asked me this question? I would never let her go, she should know that already. I told her that Jacob was the best for her, and I wasn't lying. She was human. I was vampire. At least Jacob could love her without the fear of sinking his teeth into her beautiful, creamy flesh...
"I was scared," I replied, refusing to look at her, so instead I looked up at the moon.
My hands were shaking, so I stuffed them into my pockets. I will not show weakness. Not now. Not when I've come so far.
"You were... scared?" she questioned.
I nodded, closing my eyes. "I didn't want harm to come to you..." I wanted to touch her so badly, "The night when I told you I was no good for you, I was telling the truth. You had quite nearly driven me to the point that I could have tasted your blood-"
"Edward..." she said. I could smell her tears.
I finally looked over to her, "Bella, don't cry."
She was in my arms so suddenly, that I couldn't control it. It was something I was used to doing when she felt upset. I gently rubbed her back with my hand.
"I still love you, you idiot..." Bella whispered.
My eyes widened, her words repeating over in my head.
'I still love you, you idiot...'
"You have Jacob now..." I whispered in her ear. "You can start a family... and he will always keep you safe. I made him promise me."
"Of course he'll keep me safe... but Edward... why did you make him promise?" Bella asked, her voice was trimmed with suspicion. I suppose now was the time I should tell her.
"Because I'm leaving," I replied.
"W-What?" she pulled out of my grasp, "What do you mean?"
"I'm leaving Forks," I replied softly, my hands aching for her touch again. "Every time I'm around you, you're in danger. I will not have that."
"W-What?" she whimpered.
I had to break this off quickly. I could hear death calling my name.
"There is no reason for me to stay any longer," I said swiftly.
I won't be able to stand the pain of being without you. I won't be able to stand the pain of seeing you with him.
Bella's eyes clouded with understanding, "Oh..."
And then her tears spilled over.
-: :- And try, and try to understand me... -: :-
-: :- And try to understand what I say when I say I can't stay... -: :-
"Will... you come to visit me?" Bella asked.
"Of course I will," I replied.
In another life.
I could see the pain on her face. I had to leave. I couldn't take it.
"I have to go now, Bella..." I whispered.
She turned to me, and I framed her face with my hands- like I had when we were together.
"Promise me you'll live a long life with Jacob... have children... become a grandmother... please, Bella... that is one of the reasons I let you go-" I whispered, wanting nothing more than to see her happy. "I wanted you to live a normal, full life. Something that I can't give you."
Bella nodded, tears still spilling.
"I love you..." she murmured.
"I will always love you..." I replied.
I just wish it was enough to conquer our differences.
And that's when my lips touched her forehead. A simple gesture of love, I know... but it brought back so many memories with it. And for one last time I took in her glorious scent and my eyes stung with tears that would never fall.
And like that, I was gone.
"Edward, wait!" I heard her call.
I kept running. I did not look back. Painful deja vu flashed in my head from when I left her the first time. This time, however, I would not come back.
-: :- I'm moving on from this place... -: :-
-: :- I'm leaving and I won't quit running away... -: :-
It took a couple of hours, but my plane landed in Italy. I swiftly made my way to the Volturi, asking for death once more. They would not comply, even this time. I would have to do this the hard way. I knew Bella would not stop be this time. This time, I was on my own.
It stung a little.
The sun shone high and bright in the Italian sky. I would go through with my previous plan for suicide. I would step out into the sunlight. I went through the shadows of Volterra, going to the shady ally that I stood at about a year ago. I removed my shirt and looked up at the sky.
Oh, Bella... my beautiful Bella... This is the only way, please understand when you read the letter I left you. I cannot live in a world where you are not with me. Jacob wins, so be it. I want the best for you, and when I am not with you, you are in the least danger.
I'm a monster.
I put Bella's life in danger by being with her.
I cause pain and suffering.
And I will no longer.
I took a couple of steps towards the sun.
I love you.
-: :- I'm running away... -: :-
-: :- I'm leaving this place... -: :-
Bella and Jacob went home after the reception, and Jacob only found that Bella was depressed.
"Tell me what's wrong, baby..." Jacob whispered, holding her in his arms.
"For one, I'm wearing a fluffy wedding dress that I'm dying to get out of..." Bella said, "And two, because Edward is gone."
"Ah, that reminds me," he let Bella go and took something out of his back pocket. "He told me to give this to you."
"You knew about this?!" Bella said, taking the letter.
Jacob nodded, "He told me at the ceremony."
Bella sat down on the bed, while Jacob remained standing, his eyes taking her in. She hastily opened the envelope. The letter inside was written in Edward's perfect calligraphy writing...
If you're reading this, that must mean I'm gone already. I want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I love you so much. Since the day I told you I love you, I've been putting your life in danger. I thought that if I let you go to Jacob, my love for you would dwindle.
How wrong I was.
It hurt when I saw you go into Jacob's arms, and I can't even describe how much it will hurt when I hear you say "I do" tonight.
Bella's eyes filled with tears as she read the letter.
I only told you to go to Jacob because I wanted you to be human. He will care for you in ways that I couldn't. He will keep you warm. He can give you children. He can kiss you and hold you without holding back.
So I chose what was best for you.
I realize now how much I am monster. Vampires can have anything they want.
Except the forbidden fruit. The love of a mortal.
I will tell you the truth now, because I owe you that much. I am going to the Volturi, and this time you will not be in time to stop me. I am going through with my plans to step into the sunlight. Death will come quickly, painlessly. I'm sure I won't even see it coming.
The only thing I can ask for you now is to forget about me. Live out your life with Jacob. Be happy.
I know Jacob wants the same.
I must conclude this letter now, even though there is so much left for me to say.
I love you. I'll watch over you... if they allow that in hell.
"No... no no no no no!" she cried, the paper slipping out of her hands and dropping to the floor. "You idiot! You idiot!"
Jacob was quickly by her side, his arms around her as she rocked back and forth.
"He's going to kill himself, Jake!" Bella cried.
"Shhh..." Jacob whispered. "Theres truly nothing we could do. If I could stop him, I would..."
Edward's voice rang in Bella's head...
'I can't live in a world where you don't exist...'
Bella could not live in a world where he did not exist.
"There has to be something I can do..." she whimpered, getting up and heading for the door.
"Bella, the rain is coming down hard-" Jake said, grabbing his own jacket and going after.
"I can't let him do this," Bella whimpered, tears in her eyes.
"Let's go," Jacob said, tossing Bella the keys.
-: :- Yeah, I'm running away... -: :-
-: :- I'm running away... -: :-
Our meadow. That's all I could see- for miles and miles. I could not see the ending of it. The sun was shining, but my skin was not glowing. I looked at my hands, bringing them into fists, then out again.
Is this what death is like? Is this hell?
I took a couple of steps, noticing I was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans. Hell is quite comfortable, if I do say so myself.
It was strange. I could feel the warmth of the sun against my skin. I could feel blood pulsing in my veins. I was a human again. It felt wonderful and different all at once. I closed my eyes, letting the gentle breeze blow through my hair.
And that's when I heard her voice.
I looked around, "B-Bella?!"
She giggled, and when I looked forward again, she was standing in front of me. My eyes widened at the sight of her. She still looked beautiful, even in my hallucinations. Lust pumped through my veins, and I know it wasn't bloodlust. I had no urge to draw her blood anymore.
"You're a beautiful figment of my imagination..." I whispered, willing myself to look away.
"I came all this way for you, and you think I'm a figment of your imagination?!" Bella's image yelled at me, she turned around, attempting to storm off, but she tripped and landed in the cool grass.
My eyes widened and I quickly went to her. My imagination or not, I would not tolerate seeing her get hurt.
"Perfectly fine," she said softly, rolling over in the grass.
I was on my knees and she looked up at me.
"Your eyes are the most magnificent color I've ever seen..." I heard her whisper softly. "My new favorite color is emerald green..."
I felt my cheeks get warm and I looked away. I hadn't blushed in decades.
"Are you blushing, Edward?" Bella said, sitting up.
She placed a warm hand on my face and turned me to look at her.
"You're a damn good hallucination..." I heard the words slip from my mouth as I closed my eyes.
"How can I prove to you that I'm not an hallucination?" she whispered.
I felt her hand go behind my neck and slowly bring me down towards her. Her warm lips pressed against mine, and I couldn't help but move my lips against hers, begging, pleading, desperately asking for more.
And that's when she pulled away, leaving me horribly dissatisfied.
"You're adorable when you pout," Bella laughed again, sighing and closing her eyes. "And that's how it felt when you always had to restrain yourself with me," she said.
"You're really here?" I asked, skeptical.
I couldn't believe it. If she was here, that would mean she was dead.
"Yes," she whispered.
"How?" I questioned, laying on my back, next to her.
"Would you believe me if I told you I tried to follow you when you left?" Bella whispered.
"You did what-?!" I was enraged.
"Jacob gave me your letter, and after I read it I tried to go after you. Turns out I was driving too fast to the airport... it was raining pretty hard and-"
"Don't say it," I hissed. "Don't."
She really did need me to keep her safe after all.
"Well then... I guess thats how I got to hell."
"You can't get into hell if you tried," I replied.
"Sure I can."
"And what have you done? Killed people?"
"I've been extremely greedy..." she whispered in my ear.
I shivered, smirked, and then pulled her into my arms.
"I'm sorry..." I whispered. "Nothing I do seems to be the right thing... I thought if I ended my life, I wouldn't have you worry anymore. I wouldn't have to worry anymore..."
"Shh..." she said, her eyes were closed. "I'm the one who should be saying sorry. I shouldn't of let you push me away and towards Jake. I was going against what was best for me and what I needed. Edward, I needed you. I wanted you to stop the wedding. I-"
"Shh..." I copied what she had said. "You're here now, with me... wherever this is... and thats enough for me."
"Enough for now..." she whispered.
"Enough for forever," I replied, smirking.
It was like we hadn't died at all. We were human. We were in love. We were laying in the grass of our meadow.
I wouldn't trade this for anything.
It was heaven.
"Hey, what the hell is this place?" a familiar voice suddenly said.
Edward and Bella's eyes widened at the voice.
Right smack in the middle of hell.