Authors Note;; So this is completely pointless. I heard this song, and suddenly pictured an obnoxiously hyper Alice, annoying the living hell out of Edward. It's a pointless, humorous one shot, that may turn into a few more chapters. I've been stressing since taking over Suicide Girl, and this is my wind down. It might not be as well written as my others, but like I said, it's more humorous purposes and is my relaxation and wind down. They might be slightly out of character, but when aren't they? Enjoy! I'm not sure when this takes place, but it's after Eclipse.
Disclaimer;; I, LollirotXoX, do not own the characters. They belong to Stephanie Meyer. The song 'Lollipop' belongs to Lil' Wayne.
Warning;; Lots of Edward torturing (in a funny way), an extremely hyper Alice, and sadistic Rosalie, a big mouth Emmett, and lots of random pointlessness. You have been warned ).
I leaned over the marble counter of the Newton's store, one elbow up with my chin resting on my open palm and my other relaxing on the surface. My fingernails made a 'click, click, click' noise as they impatiently tapped against the cool plane.
Getting off in five minutes, I was getting more and more impatient as the seconds passed. Every torturous second felt longer than the last.
I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard a voice only a foot or so away. "Bella, you can leave now if you like, we're running slow tonight."
Glancing over and seeing Mike, I gave him a small smile. I yanked the hideous, florescent orange vest off, and mumbled a hasty 'goodbye', rushing out of the store where I knew either Alice or Edward would be. Whenever I got off early, Alice usually had a vision and anticipated it, sending Edward or coming herself.
I saw the silver Volvo, and assumed it was Edward. But when I opened the door, I was assaulted by blaring music and a beaming, raven haired mini vampire.
"Bella! I saw you get out early, so I stole Edward's car and here I am!" It amazed me how the smallest things seem to excite Alice. I slid into seat, cringing a bit at the volume.
The car was shaking. I could barely understand the music, the rhythm, nothing.
I winced at a particularly loud note, and clapped my hands over my ears. If it was this painful for me, how was it not bothering Alice? I had to shout. "ALICE COULD YOU TURN IT DOWN POSSIBLY?"
Alice threw me a jubilant grin, reaching over and turning it down to a slightly more bearable volume. It was still very much ...blasting, but my ear drums weren't throbbing now, at least.
Shaking my head, I asked her, "Where's Edward?"
"I stole his car, he's at the house, which is where we're going." She gave me a 'duh' look.
I opened my mouth to ask what her plans were for the day, but she squealed as a new song came on. "I LOVE this song!"
Raising an eyebrow, I stared at her like she'd grown a second head. Since when did Alice like rap music? I didn't voice my question though, and instead stared in amused bewilderment at the little vampire singing a dirty rap song in her giddy, bell chime voice.
I had no idea of the terror this simple song would bring upon us all.
"Why are you so hyper?" I asked a bit suspiciously.
"Because I had a vision that we're going to get ALL the guest list, the decorations and the dress ideas done TONIGHT! ISN'T THAT AWESOME?!"
I was speechless.
We were at the Cullen house in no time, courtesy of Alice's fast driving, and I stepped out of the Volvo gratefully.
As I entered the front doors, I glanced around. I didn't see him. I called softly, "Edward?"
He was by my side in an instant, my favorite crooked grin pulling at his perfect lips, his eyes making me momentarily forget to breathe. He caught my face in between his icy hands, pressing his hard lips gently to mine for a few moments before pulling back. "Hello, love."
I smiled in return, and curled my fingers around his. He guided me in the direction of the living room, so I followed without complaint. I hadn't seen him since he left my room that morning, seeing as i had work and all, and I was content to just be in his presence.
The sight that awaited me pulled a hearty laugh from my chest.
Jasper and Emmett were sitting cross legged, on the floor and each on either side of a mahogany coffee table, arm wrestling.
Emmett's features held absolute confidence, and Jasper's concentration. After a few seconds where it seemed neither was moving, Emmett finally won out and slammed Jaspers arms backwards onto the wood, making a resounding 'CRACK!' as Jaspers stone-like flesh met the weak wood. The poor table didn't stand a chance.
"HA! I won! Pay up!" Emmett shouted in glee, holding out his monstrous hand and motioning with his fingers.
Jasper grumbled angrily, reaching into his pocket and slamming a roll of bills into his brothers hand.
I heard an unamused sigh, and my eyes flickered over to the source. I hadn't noticed Rosalie sitting in a recliner in the corner, flipping boredly through a magazine. She didn't even look up.
Alice bounced in just then, gliding over to her husband. "Jasper, you lost! You poor thing!" She threw herself at him, hugging him with what would be bone crushing strength, if he hadn't been nearly indestructible. He wrapped his arms about her, suddenly brightening at her appearance.
"I apologize for this coven of nutcases you must soon call family, Bella." Edward announced, shaking his head a bit sadly.
I looked at him, smiling a bit, but Emmett cut in, "Hey! We're not that bad! And you would usually join in on the gambling, Eddy, but you're trying to show off in front of your girl."
Edwards face turned hard, and his voice was soft and dangerous. "Do not call me Eddy. You know I despise that."
"Yeah, hence why I use it!"
"Who says hence anymore?" Rosalie interjected, her attention apparently caught. Emmett glared at her.
"You're supposed to defend me!" Emmett practically whined, an adorable pout crossing his face.
I found it quite funny seeing such a huge man pout.
"Shut up." Rosalie mumbled, turning her interest back to her magazine. She lifted it off her lap, and it slightly hid her face from view.
A line caught my attention, and I tried my luck at starting a conversation with the hostile blonde that was slowly warming up to me. "So...How are Angelina and Brad, these days?"
Laughter glinted in her golden eyes as she looked to me, and a small smile rose. "She's still starving herself even though she's pregnant, and he's been spotted around someone who looks exactly like her."
I smiled back, warmth filling me. Rosalie had willingly been civil to me!
"Rosalie, why do you read-" Jasper began.
"Alice, why are you singing that horrid song repeatedly in your thoughts?" Edwards horrified gasp interrupted. I stared at him, taking in his expression of complete disgust and alarm.
"Huh? It's stuck in my head!" Alice responded cheerfully.
"Well, get it out! That music is completely distasteful."
"No! You get out of my thoughts!" Alice stuck her tongue out at her bronze haired brother, earning herself a shocked expression from he in question. He scowled.
"What kind of respectable man calls a woman 'shawty' ?" Edward attempted to make a point. He had a valid point, but that wasn't going to stop Alice. In fact, that just egged her on.
"Shawty want a thug, bottles in the club...Shawty wanna hump, you know I'd like to touch your lovely lady lumps..." Alice sang in spite, her merriment apparent. She could barely hold still, and was bouncing on the balls of her feet.
Edward's scowl deepened. "That is so degrading! As a woman, you should take offence in that!"
"SHAWTY WANNA L-L-LICK ME LIKE A LOLLIPOP!" Alice's voice rose in volume and pitch, jolly as ever.
Jasper spoke the question on everyone's mind. "Alice, why are you so energetic today?"
Her devilish grin should have been enough of a warning. "I get to plan it out tonight, and then get to go shopping for the wedding tomorrow!"
That got a groan emitted from me, and nervousness fluttered within me.
"Oh hush Bella, you'll love it! I have FORSEEN it!" She assured me, and began dancing in circles. "We're gonna have so much fun! You're gonna look so beautiful!"
And with that, she danced up the stairs, singing that same song absently. "She even wear her hurr down her back like mine..."
I stared in wonder at my Maid of Honor, until she disappeared.
I was distracted from my bewilderment by Emmett's booming laughter. "Jasper, why are you bouncing?"
Jasper looked like he was attempting to appear ashamed, but he was so joyous right then he couldn't help it. "I don't know! Her excitement is just overpowering me!"
Emmett laughed even harder, and Rosalie just rolled her eyes, continuing her reading.
"I don't understand how you can possible bear being married to that little monster."
As soon as the words left Edward's mouth, a white, black and slightly red blur flew past and bounced off his head, headed towards the floor before he caught it.
"What the f..." He trailed off, when he fully comprehended what had hit him. "A SNOOPY? Really, Alice? A Snoopy plushy?"
Alice's eyes narrowed to slits. "Do not underestimate the power of The Snoopy, fool! And how dare you insult me!" She yanked the little stuffed dog out of his clutches, hitting him over the head once more.
Everyone in the room, including myself, began laughing uncontrollably. The sight of little Alice beating her much bigger brother with a Snoopy plushy was downright hilarious.
"Alice, be reasonable! You need to calm down!"
"You know what, Edward? I have one thing to say to that." The little pixie took a deep breath.
Edward read in her mind what she was preparing to do, and absolute dread and panic crossed his features.
"SHAWTY SAY THEM NIGGAS THAT SHE WITH AIN'T SHIT, SHAWTY SAY THEM NIGGAS THAT SHE WITH AIN'T THIS, SHAWTY SAY THEM NIGGAS THAT SHE WITH CAN'T GET, BUT SHAWTY I'MA HIT IT HIT IT LIKE I CAN'T MISS!" Alice's voice was louder than ever, and she stood stubbornly in front of Edward, refusing to back down.
Edwards hands covered his ears, as if that would help. She was doubling teaming him. He heard it in her mind, as well as in his over sensitive ears. "AHHH! ALICE, STOP!"
"Make me, meanie!" Alice challenged, and when Edward lunged at her she gracefully dodged him, giggling and running up the stairs while making Snoopy fly ahead of her with obnoxious 'zoom zoom's. "Belllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaa, tell him not to be such a BUTT HEAD!"
"Edward, don't be such a butt head." I automatically said. Edward looked at me with betrayal on his face.
"Bella!" He gasped. "How could you-"
I shrugged. "She's my maid of honor, and it's not her fault the song is stuck in her head."
And it's hilarious seeing you like this, I didn't add.
Edward glowered at me, and was about to say something when, once again, Emmett opened his mouth.
"Is she bleeding? Because that would explain it."
I scowled, whipping my head towards the big lug, about to say something nasty in retaliation.
But Rosalie, of all people, beat me to it.
She whacked her built husband right on the back of the head. "What would you know about it Emmett? I don't get that!"
"No Rose, you're just on permanent PMS."
The fury that overtook Rosalie's face then, combined with the utter terror on Emmett's, made me forget my anger and burst into a fit of giggles. I was literally rolling around on the floor when Emmett's eyed widened to an almost impossible size, and he literally squealed. He was gone so fast I didn't see what direction he headed for, with his infuriated blonde wife at his heels.
"How DARE you-" Whack. "Say that to-" Thump. "Me you FU-"
"HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!" Emmett begged in fear, and the stomps of their footsteps leading to the basement.
"AHHHH NO, ROSE, NOT THE-" CRACK! "OWWWWWWWW!"
I looked at Edward, who had a slightly weirded out, scared expression. "Was that a whip?"
His petrified eyes shifted to meet mine. "I am afraid to say that I am quite positive it was."
Or, I was dying. My ribs were so sore, and tears were rolling down my face. I clutched at my sides, which were aching. I felt a thud beside me, and heard Jasper's uncontrollable cackles as well as Edwards, though Edward didn't fall to the ground.
"ROSE I'M SORRY, I'm SOR-" Crack.
"Who owns you, Emmett?!"
"YOU DO, MISTRESS ROSE!" Crack.
The three of us froze for one single second, before a fresh was of hilarity crashed us. That was so odd and unexplainably funny that we could not stop. Our hysterics only increased when Emmett came bursting through the basement door, clutching him bottom with a pained look on his face, a placated Rosalie behind him. Giving us a death glare, he shuffled past us to the stairs, only to be knocked right back onto his bottom by a white and black blur.
Emmett howled as his tender bottom was struck once more, this time by the hard floor, and Alice was suddenly in the room with us.
Edward, Jasper and I were gasping for breath through our frenzy.
Rosalie lifted Emmett with one hand, an annoyed look on her face as she carried his up the steps.
Edward continued laughing, until he looked at Alice, who was standing completely still in front of him, one hand clutched behind her back. His laughter stopped abruptly. Alice was never, ever still and silent at the same time. "What?" He questioned.
She had such a serious expression on her angelic countenance, it was hard to predict her next action.
Alice leaned back slightly, raising one knee slightly into the air, lifting her arms above her in a mock-ninja pose. "Whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-" She cocked her hand back, flinging something suddenly at Edward. "CHAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Edward's dazed look only fueled our fire.
I had a stitch in my side, and Jasper couldn't stop shaking.
"ALICE, WHY DID YOU JUST THROW A YU-GI-OH CARD AT ME?! WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THEM?!" Edward roared, looking down at the slim piece of cardboard held in his grasp.
"Bwahahaha!" Alice laughed. "Because I am EVIL! I am so evilly evil that I will now laugh. Evilly. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
That was it. I screamed in mirth, joining Jasper once more on the floor and rolling around clutching my sides, I was nearly dry-heaving from the force of my laughter.
Edward just stared at Alice in amazement. She put up her hands in a defensive gesture, raising her knees once more. "Stop looking at me that way! WHUTCHA!" She chucked another one at him, earning herself a growl. She squeaked, rushing to me and lifting me off the ground effortlessly, using my body as shield. "Bwahahaha, BELLA will protect me!"
I clutched onto her small shoulders, my tears falling onto her arms.
If looks could kill...
"Coward." Edward hissed, causing Alice to cackle once more, and hum a tune while, I assumed, singing the words in her head making Edward give her a death glare once more, "Alice, I swear to-"
Out of no where, she threw me on the couch and whipped out ten small bottles, yanking my shoes off.
I was shocked out of my delight. and tensed. "Alice, what're you doing?"
"Painting each one of your toe nails a different color! We have to decide what looks best with your dress tomorrow!"
"Alice, no one will see my feet." I pointed out, as she pulled out a shockingly bright shade of pink and began painting my big toe nail.
"I'm rollin' with my homies! Now...Shhh!" Alice scolded, continuing her work. Edward was staring in amazement again, and Jasper was still howling on the floor.
Suddenly, Alice's head snapped up. "Where's my orange? I brought down an orange polish!"
Horror etched onto my expression. Orange? ORANGE?!
"Oh Mr. Orannnnnge? Where have you gone my precious orange polish? Why have you left me?" Alice sang, walking frantically around the room.
"Alice, it's...on the television." Edward informed her.
Alice brightened visibly, looking to the TV. "IT IS!" She dashed to it, grabbing it and returning to me, painting the horrid color on one of my toes. I fought off another groan. She continued until finished, and glanced at the television that had been on since before she and I had arrived. She glanced at the TV, tilting her head slightly. "They're peanut people."
Edward and I took in the sight portrayed on the electronic device and found that she was, indeed, correct. There were peanuts walking around, with glasses on. She gasped suddenly, running to the screen and clutching it on either side, screaming desperately, "NO! DON'T EAT IT, IT'S POISON!" After a few more seconds, there was an explosion and all the 'peanut people' were dead. "I TOLD YOU IT WAS POISON, YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME!"
The breathe left me in a whoosh, and I leaned onto my knees, tears leaking from my eyes once more.
Edward was beside me in an instant. "Bella, Bella are you alright?"
"Can't...BREATHE!" I gasped, through my fitful giggles.
Not knowing what to do, Edward slapped me gently on the back, making me fall face forward onto the floor, completely still.
"EDWARD!" Alice yelled, flashing to my side and shaking me. "Bella? BELLA?! YOU KILLED HER, DUMBASS!"
"I resent tha-"
" 'M fine..." I managed to rasp, while my fits returned. Edward and Alice sighed in relief at the same time, and Alice grabbed my wrist, yanking my towards the stairs.
"Huzzah! If you were dead I'd be left all on my own to plan! Come on! We have to plan the DECORATIONS!" She sounded like a kindergartener on crack. I shook my head, wondering what on earth had brought on this excitement in her, and I prayed to god I would never have to experience it again.
I heard an annoyed sigh from the living room, and as soon as Alice's door closed behind me, she screamed out as loud as she possibly could. "SO I LET HER LICK THE RAPPERRRRRRRR!"
Authors Note;; Pointless. Random. Out of character. I don't care. It was a wild idea I couldn't get out of my head, and I think it's hilarious. I am not crazy, I actually saw a show with 'peanut people' and such.
I don't know where this came from, but I enjoyed writing it I realize Alice is a bit ridiculously hyper, but it's funny, no? As for the Emmett thing... I couldn't resist The Yu-Gi-Oh ninja thing...I have no idea where that came from. All around, it's not my usual style, but oh well I just needed a break from the angsty, seriousness of my other stories. I got one hour of sleep last night, and talked to the lovely Queen Cocaine for a few hours(The little 'Huzzah!' in here was in honor of her :). ). And thank you Kristina for being your crazy self and for your past insanity inspiring me
Review, please! I hate when people read a story and don't review. That's the point of this site, to improve out writing and such and have other readers enjoy it. How am I supposed to know if you're enjoying it if you don't review? p I reveiw all stories I read, I can proudly say that. )
Anyways, I hoped you liked it!