The Jaded Cliché, Part 3
Author's Note: Well. Here we go again. I'm too lazy to talk much (to everyone's delight) so just please go read the disclaimer from one of the first two parts. It's the same general idea. Also, I'd like to say that (in case I get something wrong) I haven't actually read all the Discworld books. I've read most of them, all the ones in my library and the ones in the bookstore, but there are about eight or nine in the middle of the series I haven't read. *sighs* I'd love to read all of them, but I can't find them. And please, don't suggest Amazon. My parents have to do that for me, but they won't. Yet. They probably will eventually. Well, I talked too much, anyway. On with the story.
Susan shoves Rincewind and Jade through the portal.
Susan: Ok. Let's go.
Susan, Granny Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg, and Agnes go through the portal. They step out at a Star Wars set. Jade and Rincewind are standing around looking confused.
Rincewind: Where are we? What is all this stuff?
Susan: *staring at all the people dressed as aliens* I don't know… there's nothing like this on the Disc…
Jade: *looks strangely at Susan and Rincewind* It's just a movie set, you know. Those people are only wearing costumes.
Rincewind: Is he wearing a costume? *points at a tall figure in a black robe, carrying a scythe*
The figure turns around and turns out to be Queen Amidala (or Natalie Portman, if you insist) in one of her wacky costumes.
Jade: Yes. And you mean "she".
Amidala: Oh my God! I, like, love your costumes! *looks at the three witches* Those pointy hats are just, like, too cool!
Agnes: *flattered* Really? You think so?
Amidala: Oh, yeah. Like, totally awesome!
Agnes: Your hair looks really great, too. I love the little braids -
Susan: Excuse me, but we have a mission!
Agnes: We do?
Susan: Yes! We must find my grandfather.
Agnes: Can't I just talk to her for a minute -
Amidala: Uh… like, scuze me, but your grandfather wouldn't happen to be the, like, tall thin guy who tried to have George, like, arrested for impersonation… would he?
Susan blushes with embarrassment while Rincewind bursts out laughing. Susan glares at Rincewind.
Susan: It's not funny!
Rincewind: Yes, it is!
Amidala: So, like, do you want to go talk to this guy? He's got George, like, so annoyed.
Susan: Yes, please. Where is he?
Amidala: He's, like, down at the police department. Arguing with George, you know?
Granny Weatherwax: We'll go there, then.
Granny Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg, Susan, Jade, and Rincewind turn to leave. The other witches pull Agnes along behind them.
Agnes: *calling over her shoulder* It was nice talking to you!
The Discworld Company, as they will henceforth be known, went out the door and onto the sidewalk. Everyone stared around at the busy street in confusion.
Susan: What are those things? *points at a car*
Jade: *disgusted* They're cars, stupid. You came to this world, and you don't even know about it?
Susan: *offended* Hey, I didn't exactly have time to do research!
Jade: *shakes her head and mutters something about idiots and psychopaths*
Rincewind: *looking at the cars suspiciously* What do those… cars… do?
Jade: You ride around in them, and they take you where you want to go.
Rincewind: How do they know? Are they alive?
Jade: *rolls her eyes* No! They're machines. You drive them, or pay someone to drive them for you.
Susan: So we need to use one of them to get to the police station?
Jade: Unless you want to walk… and I don't know where the police station is.
Rincewind: Police station…? Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
Susan: *annoyed* They aren't going to arrest you.
Jade: They might.
Jade: Have you looked at what he's wearing? He's a guy in a dress, for crying out loud!
Rincewind: It isn't a dress! It's a robe!
Jade: Close enough. People are staring. You need normal clothes. *looks at everyone else* All of you.
Granny Weatherwax: I'm not getting rid of my hat. *folds her arms stubbornly*
Jade: You look like an idiot.
Granny Weatherwax: I most certainly do not! I look like a respectable witch, thank you!
Jade: Here, people laugh at witches. They think magic isn't real.
Susan: What? Of course magic's real!
Jade: I know. That's why I'm standing here.
Agnes: So we need new clothes? Like the girl back there?
Jade: What, Natalie Portman? Good heavens, no! That's worse than what you're wearing now!
Agnes: I liked it.
Jade: Well, you have to fit in. Otherwise, we'll never get to the police station.
Susan: Right, then. Where do we buy clothes?
Jade: The mall.
Everyone stares blankly at Jade. Jade sighs.
Jade: A big group of stores. Come on, I'll take you.
Jade raises her hand and steps forward to the edge of the sidewalk.
Jade: *screams* TAAAAAAAAXIIIIIIIII!!!!!
(Note: I have never called a taxi in my life, but I'm pretty sure that's not how you do it. For your own safety, kids, don't try this at home.)
A taxi immediately pulls up, and the taxi driver, who I will call Bob, sticks his head out the window.
Rincewind: *awed* It's magic!
Jade: No, it's the American economy. Taxi drivers are everywhere because they need jobs.
Rincewind: But… but…
Jade: Never mind. Everyone get in. *to Bob* We want to go to the Mall of America.
(Note: Ok, so they're in Minnesota. It was the only mall I could think of.)
Bob: Righto, lady. *glances at the witches* Er… could the ladies maybe take off their hats? I won't be able to see through the review mirror.
Granny Weatherwax: Absolutely not.
Bob: Yeah, well, if I crash, I hope you get sued.
Nanny Ogg: The same to you, I'm sure.
Bob shakes his head a little, then shrugs and starts driving. Finally, he lets them off at the Mall of America. Jade pays him.
Jade: Jeez, that was expensive. *to Susan* You can pay for the next one. I'm going to go broke.
Susan: *checks her pockets* I have a few gold pieces…
Jade: Remind me to take you to a jeweler, then.
Susan gives Jade a blank look, and Jade just sighs and goes into the mall. Everyone looks around in astonishment.
Rincewind: It's… it's huge!
Jade: Yeah. Follow me, and don't get lost.
Jade goes up to an escalator and rides up. No one follows her, and she has to come down again, looking very exasperated.
Jade: I said, follow me!
Agnes: *eyes the escalator suspiciously* What is that? Is it magic?
Jade: No. Look, just… don't ask. Come on.
This time, Jade makes everyone get onto the escalator before her. Just before getting off, Rincewind's robe gets caught in the steps.
Rincewind: AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!! HELP! HELP! IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME!!!!!!!!!!
Innocent bystanders stare at Rincewind, and someone very smart runs to get a security guard (who will also be called Bob). Bob shuts off the escalator, much to the annoyance of the people behind Rincewind and Jade.
Bob: Jeez, man, what're you wearing a dress for?
Rincewind: It's a robe! And I'm a wi-
Jade: *interrupts quickly* He's my uncle, and *lowers her voice* he's not quite right upstairs, if you get my drift. *taps her temple meaningfully*
Bob: *knowingly* Ah… I see. *pats Rincewind on the shoulder* Don't worry, buddy. It'll be ok.
Bob eventually gets Rincewind out from the escalator by ripping the hem of his robe off. To this day, you can find a piece of grey cloth stuck in an escalator in the Mall of America. Anyway, the Discworld Company goes to… um… the Gap. Yeah, they all go to the Gap. There's a Gap in the Mall of America, right? Gee, I hope so… Well, there is now.
Jade: Well, Rincewind first, cause his robe is ripped, and a guy in a dress is just… wrong…
Rincewind glares at Jade, but refuses to talk to her. He is upset that she called him crazy.
Jade: Ok, right…
Jade pulls Rincewind over to the men's section and begins looking at shirts. Susan wanders around, occasionally examining something she's never seen before. The three witches watch people.
Jade: So, do you like red?
Rincewind: *no response*
Jade: Kay, you do now.
A strange man is following Jade and Rincewind. He taps Jade on the shoulder. (We shall call him Fred, for the purposes of convenience.)
Fred: Excuse me, miss, but do you know who the current Minnesota senators are?
Jade: *gives Fred a funny look* No. Go away.
Fred: Are you sure?
Jade: Leave me alone or I'll have you arrested for harassment.
Fred decides Rincewind would be more fun to talk to.
Fred: Excuse me, sir, but do you know who sings Baby One More Time?
Fred: Baby One More Time. A pop song.
Rincewind: Pop song… like "Pop Goes the Weasel"?
Fred: No, like *sings* "Hit me, baby, one more time!"
Rincewind: *gives Fred a funny look* I'd rather not, thanks all the same…
Jade: Here, hold these. *dumps three shirts and two pairs of pants in Rincewind's arms, then turns to Fred* Ok, buddy, what's your problem?
Fred: *innocently* My problem? I haven't got a problem.
Jade: Then go away and leave us alone!
Fred: Ok. *starts to leave* Wait… one more thing.
Jade: *impatiently* What?
Fred: *disgustingly cheerfully* Smile! You're on Candid Camera!
Author's Note: Kay… whatever… *shrugs* Well, sorry this took so long. I went on vacation twice, and I can't pack my computer in my backpack. Oh, well…