Hidden From View
Summary: Not all scars are visible.
Disclaimers: I don't own Saiyuki in any way.
Sometimes, scars would not be visible. No one could look at you and see every scar you have. No one could look at you and say they understand. Because they do not understand.
Gojyo views every bad memory as a new scar, and that philosophy has lived with him as long as he can remember. Every time his mother hurt him physically, she left behind a mental scar. Even today when Gojyo has slept on the bad ground since they could not find an inn he would feel the bruises she left behind, the dirtied cuts she smeared with purpose. He could feel every one of them, and to tell the truth he was sick of it.
Her words left behind a strange pattern in his head. Whenever someone corrected him or said he said wrong or was wrong, Gojyo had learned to expect a curse and then a hit. He was surprised every time that cursed hit did not come. Of course, Sanzo would shoot at him or hit him with the fan, but he always expected a slap from a clawed hand, just like hers. It was just a matter of time, really, before he would break.
Hakkai noticed that Gojyo had some strange habits. Gojyo did not know Hakkai knew though, and that left the human turned youkai to watch the hanyou.
When they lived in Gojyo's little house, they normally slept the same way; Hakkai on the bed and Gojyo on a futon next to it. But on seemingly random days Gojyo would ask if it was okay if he shared the bed. Hakkai never complained because Gojyo did not snore and he did not move around that much. Only thing was the redhead sometime during the night would fist his hand into Hakkai's shirt and he would only let go if Hakkai coaxed his sleep-filled mind that everything was okay.
But now when they slept on the ground, Hakkai would wake up to find Gojyo travelling patterns on his own tanned skin like he was following something. Hakkai had the dreading feeling it was old cuts and bruises the hanyou had imbedded in his head. It would always end in the same place; two of Gojyo's long fingers would touch those twin-scars on his face and then the redhead would wipe away the remains of tears he unknowingly had cried during the night. Hakkai never let Gojyo know he was awake and the hanyou lay down to fake sleep until the brunette was up and preparing food. It was heart-breaking the longer Hakkai watched.
Hakkai woke up in the middle of the night and wondered what had made him wake up when he heard a quiet sniffing. He peered his eye open and saw Gojyo sitting hunched over, sobbing as quiet as he could. Enough was enough.
Hakkai sat up and the hanyou whipped his head up and their eyes locked. The brunette rose up and walked over to Gojyo. The man cowered back, eyes closed tightly and a hand immediately came to protect his face. Hakkai crunched down and stroke Gojyo's hair soothingly. The hanyou looked up and realization dawned on him. The human turned youkai made himself comfortable and took Gojyo in his arms, hugging him silently. Gojyo remained tensed for a few moments before breaking down. His sobbing was still quiet but his whole body was shaking because of it.
Hakkai held him for the rest of the night.
The brunette thought Gojyo would be alright after that. But only a few days later they were back in the same pattern. This time Hakkai changed tactics. This time, he rose up and let his hands follow Gojyo's. The hanyou looked up, surprised but Hakkai was concentrating to memorize all the spots so that Gojyo no longer needed to share the burden alone.
Sharing would not make the scars go away, that was true, but it would make them easier to carry.
Never written much angst before, but I just was a bit tired of reading Hakkai-angst and decided to do a little Gojyo-angst. I love the little perv more than any character in Saiyuki.
Until another time,