Title: Unshared Thoughts
Summary: The billions of other women, all dead now so it wouldn't even matter, and cancer chose the one that the fleet—he—needs. A/R
Disclaimer: I'm just a chip in your head. I don't really exist.
A/N: I wrote this a while ago - more than a year ago, actually, and I was thinking about the President's initial brush with cancer. This still works for any time she's sick, really, except after she confesses her love for Adama. But it was originally set around the time of Resurrection Ship.
There's too much he can't tell her. Not about the Cylons—no, he's over the 'you're just a school teacher' thing. What he doesn't tell her, he's convinced himself, is for her own good. He won't admit that he's scared. Commander William Adama does not get scared. It's not allowed.
She's losing. Every day, every second, she's losing. He doesn't understand why cancer chose her. The billions of other women, all dead now so it wouldn't even matter, and cancer chose the one that the fleet—he—needs. And, oh, how it—he—needs her. The President. She's a vital part of their world, and it will be too, too hard to live without her.
But she knows how much the fleet needs her, and he can see that it hurts her every day to be closer to abandoning them.
He feels like she's abandoning him. He knows it's not true, but every time he thinks about life after she goes he almost wants to cry from despair. But if Commander Adama can't get scared, he certainly can't cry like a child. And so he lets it well up inside of him, and he's certain that by her funeral he won't be able to hold back and will be bawling all over the place.
He wants to tell her. He wants to know how she feels, but then tells himself that he's being selfish and he doesn't want to make her last days uncomfortable. It makes everything worse if he tells her. And…gods, won't it just hurt more? So he leaves it unsaid, but somehow it seeps out unconsciously.
Because when he tells her to keep fighting, he's telling her he'll miss her.
When he tells her that she was right, he's really saying he's sorry for all the times he spent antagonizing her when they could have been doing something productive.
And when he tells her that she's doing a good job, he's really saying that he loves her.