She knew what he was thinking, but she didn't sleep with the guy. It was not her intention to (what, let it go that far? Maybe not.) -She didn't mean for him to see (really? being with some other guy minutes before her first real date with Gar?) - But whatever she meant to have happened didn't matter, because he obviously saw. From the look on his face, he could have seen her kick a sick puppy half way across the common room while eating beef jerky and wearing leather pants before smacking a similarly clad Terra on the ass, and he would have looked less hurt and confused and…sickened…than he did at that moment.
Her stomach turned over awkwardly; she really wanted to take a shower. It wasn't supposed to get that far; a goodbye kiss turned make-out session turned disaster. She was Raven. She did not do things like that. She was not supposed to be the one to make him look at her like she was offering him Silkie's head on a stick. His mouth opened, and he looked like he wanted to turn into a mouse, and burrow in the ground for the rest of his life.
"Oh," he let out: shrunken and shattered. ("Terra…Why?")
His eyes were glistening. He had a heart, and it was crushed into smithereens (demolished? defunct? cracked? splintered? smashed into oblivion? trampled? devastated? kaput?)
His breathing, she noticed, was measured and controlled as to not hyperventilate. Her breathing had not changed from her normal rhythm, and she knew he was trying not to notice. She knew he was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, how if he saw that she was sorry, even just a little, then she felt something and what they had was still there, worth attention, worth pursuing, worth forgiveness.
She stared at him, blankly, wondering why he was still there, why he hadn't yelled at her, or why he hadn't run away or why he had spat at her in complete disgust yet. Then she got it. He had not let himself believe it was true, he was denying that she would ever do this to him. She knew that if she were to break down in tears, and beg forgiveness, and tell him it was a mistake, and it would not happen again, and that he was all she could ever want or need, then he would forgive her, and take her back in a heartbeat.
And all she wanted to do was leap into his arms and let him know that it was a mistake and that it would never happen again and that he really was all that she could ever want or need.
Because it was, it wouldn't and he was, more than he could ever imagine.
But she didn't. Because letting him take her back would be the worst thing she could do to him. He needed his heart broken, and he needed to heal from it because he needed someone who would never do this to him ever.
She hated herself for hurting him, and she wanted- no needed to make sure it would never to him happen again.
"Gar?" She held back a wince at the sound of his hope dying and tried to look as cold as she did when they first met.
She knew it was not fair. She knew he never deserved this kind of heartbreak (not the first time and certainly not the second). He never should have had that horrible look of realization and acceptance on his face. She was the one he always went to, but he really shouldn't depend on her too much, because one day she could hurt him (not like this, something with more fire and brimstone, and blood red eyes). Because this way, he could walk away mad at her, not scared of her, and she would have to worry about anything happening to him (not that she won't worry about him anyway but-). He deserved better than her. …
"Hey babe, just wanted to let you know I can't make it tonight. Something…came up." He threw in a grin and a wink for good measure, and besides a small catch in his throat; he came across as nonchalant.
She almost believed that he did not care for a microsecond, but what everyone always forgot was that she was empathic (she could feel other people's emotions) and nothing had ever felt worse than when he pretended to be someone else. (It just made it hurt her more, the way he didn't want to seem weak in front of her or confront her about what just happened.
He had changed. He did grow up, but not into the man he was supposed to be. He grew into the man he thought she wanted. Well, he had to figure out who he was without her. Who was she to decide what kind of man he would be? He would move on, grow up how he wants to, and move on with his life. Maybe they would meet up in a few years, after the Titans, after all this and maybe start again: without mistakes.
Still, the hardest part was letting him walk away.
He didn't notice her squeeze her eyes shut and take a breath.
AN: Okay, I did write another chapter, I was considering doing this anyway. It originally was from Raven's point of view, but it wasn't the same as this. A teensy more insight as to what actually happened, but that's not what the story was supposed to be about. I hope I did Raven okay; I tried to hint at her problems with her powers without making it all about them.