Title: Should I Tell You How I Feel

Author: plaidtiger

Timeframe: Retreat, Hell

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: They're not mine. They belong to DPB and co.

Feedback: Of course! plaidtiger@hotmail.com

Notes: I'm reposting this.. because I wanted to change the title.. Please read it..I know it's from a few seasons back.. but that's ok. Please review!!! :)

Marty's Cafe

1300 Zulu

"So, Sarah, what do you think of September 15th?" Brumby asked her as he wiped his hands on his napkin and swallowed a bite of chicken casserole.

"For what?" she asked, looking slightly confused at the question.

"For our wedding." Mic looked surprised that she didn't know what he was talking about.

"Oh, that would be fine." She looked down and flattened the already neat napkin that lay in her lap.

"What's wrong, Sarah? You haven't been focusing on anything we've been talking about the whole time we've been here."

"I don't know," she looked up apologetically and met his gaze. "Listen, I know we have been looking forward to this conversation, but I think I need to go home and rest. Do you mind?"

"No, of course not. Tomorrow then?" he said hopefully.

"Uh..sure, tomorrow." She got up and walked to her car, leaving him sitting at the table to ponder what had just happened.

//Why am I marrying Mic?// She asked herself for what seemed like the millionth time. //I thought I already answered that. It was because Harm didn't want you. But what about the way he was looking at me today? Like he was seeing someone or something that he really wanted but didn't know if it was for real. I wish Harm would look at me that way more often. But he doesn't. Besides, when he had his chance with me in Sydney Harbor, he passed it up. So now I have Mic and he has Renee. So I'll just have to pretend to like Mic just like I do everyday. Why would he want to go out with someone, or even marry someone that didn't completely love him? I think he deserves better than me. Someone who loves him back.//

She pulled her car into its appropriate spot and climbed the steps to her apartment. She needed a break. Unlocking the door and turning on the light, she walked over to the couch and sat down. Her hands went up to her head as she rested her elbows on her knees. She looked over at the radio.

"It's so quiet in here...and now I'm talking to myself."

She stood, walked over to the radio and turned it on.

"It's a latest and greatest weekend! Here's one of country's latest!:"


I'm so scared that the way that I feel

Is written all over my face

When you walk into the room

I want to find a hiding place

We used to laugh, we used to hug

The way that old friends do

But now a smile and a touch 'a your hand

Just makes me come unglued

It's such a contradiction

Do I lie or tell the truth

Is it fact or fiction


//Is she reading my thoughts? I guess there could be more than one woman who feels the same way I do. But who am I really thinking of? Certainly not Mic. Not anymore.//


Oh, the way I feel for you

It's so complicated

I'm so frustrated

I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away

I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay

Should I say it

Should I tell you how I feel

Oh, I want you to know

But then again I don't

It's so complicated (oh)


//How true is that!?! My relationship with Harm is very complicated. More than it should be. Why isn't it that way with Mic? Do I really love him?//


Just when I think I'm under control

I think I finally got a grip

Another friend tells me that

My name is always on your lips

They say I'm more than just a friend

They say I must be blind

Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me

From the corner of your eye

Oh, it's so confusing

Yeah, I wish you'd just confess

But think of what I'd be losing

If your answer wasn't yes


//His answer was already no. And if I told him how I truly feel, he wouldn't respond. Simply because he wouldn't want to interfere with what I think is right. Why does he always have to be such a gentleman?//


It's so complicated

I'm so frustrated

I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away

I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay

Should I say it

Should I tell you how I feel

Oh, I want you to know

But then again I don't

It's so complicated (oh)

I hate it

'Cause I've waited

So long for someone like you

Oh, what do I do


// 'What do I do' is right! I have definitely been waiting for Harm.//


Why should I say it

Should I tell you how I feel

Oh, I want you to know

But then again I don't

It's so complicated (complicated)

So complicated (complicated)

It's so complicated, oh


//I can't marry Mic. I would be settling for second best and that wouldn't be fair to either of us.//

She picked up the phone after turning the radio off and dialed Brumby.


"Hi, Mic. It's me."

"Hi, luv. How are you feeling?"

"Better. I need to talk to you. Can you come over sometime today?"

"Of course. I'll be over in about half an hour."

"Thanks, bye."

"Bye, Sarah."

Mac hung up the phone and began to wonder exactly what she was going to tell him when he arrived. She sat on the couch once again, rested her head on the back cushion and closed her eyes. //How did I ever let myself get so far into this?//


When she heard a knock on the door she got up to answer it.

"Hello, Sarah," Mic said as he walked into her apartment. His smile quickly turned to concern and he asked, "Is everything alright?"

"It won't be once you hear what I have to say." She said closing the door. "Why don't you sit down." She suggested, motioning to the couch.

"What's wrong?" He asked again.

She paced in front of him a couple times, contemplating how she would tell him.

"I can't marry you, Mic." She finally said.

He paused, not surprised, but not completely okay with it either.

"I was waiting for you to tell me that. I've noticed that you aren't exactly thrilled to see me every time I show up. When you kiss me, it seems as if you are forcing yourself to enjoy it. Why did it take you so long to tell me?"

"I don't know. Probably because I didn't notice something was wrong with what I chose until now. I finally realized that going through with this wouldn't be fair to either of us. You may love me completely, but I don't feel as strongly towards you anymore."

"I should go. There's obviously somewhere else you should be." He got up and walked over to the door.

"Wait," she said softly. He turned and watched as she took his ring off her finger and held it out to him. He took it.

"I'm sorry, Mic."

"So am I." He walked out the door closing it behind him. His hand went up to his face and wiped a single tear off his cheek.

After Mac heard him drive off she composed herself and went to see Harm.


Harm's Abode

1700 Zulu

"Harm, why do you tolerate me? I mean, no one else likes me, but you seem to be fine with me. But then, you're always the polite one. How would I know if you didn't want me here?" Renee asked looking intently at Harm.

"Wh..?" He was at a loss for words. Either that or he was thinking about how to convince her that she really was worth keeping. "Renee, of course I like you..."

"Then why are you always thinking of Mac?" She asked, cutting him off.

"I'm not *always* thinking of Mac." He tapped his fingers on the table as he sat looking at them.

"Just when I come out of the shower in only a towel?" She paused a moment, "You know, if you really did want me around, you would talk to me."

//Great, the talking thing. I hate the talking thing. Actually, I like talking with Mac...there I go again. Thinking of the one woman in the world I want most but can't have. Renee is right, she is on my mind a lot.

*bzzzz, bzzzz*

Harm stood up to get the door.

"Just a minute, Renee."

She stared ahead, her back to the door. //What am I really doing in this relationship anyway? No matter how hard I try I'm not going to get him to put me first. It would be fine if flying was put before me, but it isn't. Mac is.//

"Mac, what are you doing here?"

Renee listened. //Speak of the devil.//

"I need to talk to you."

//Well, well, well. He'll probably say yes. After all, he listens to her. She knows more about him than I'll ever know.//

"I'm kind of busy right now."


/Renee?/ Mac mouthed.

Harm nodded. Mac motioned for him to come outside the door. He complied, closing the door behind him.

"What's up, Mac?"

"Come to think of it, it isn't really all that important since you have company. I should go." She started backing up as if to leave.

"Wait. Mac, is everything alright?"

"Perfect! It couldn't be better!" She smiled genuinely. //Actually it could be but I'm not telling you that when Renee's here. It would be perfect if I had you, but I don't. And I probably never will.//

"Okay then. I'll see you tomorrow." He said and watched her leave. //That was weird.// He walked back into the apartment.

"So did you have a nice chat with Mac?" Renee asked as he came back to the table and sat down.

"I guess so. But I'm more interested in talking with you right now," he lied.

"Sure you are." He started to protest but she stopped him. "Harm, you and I are two very different people." He couldn't disagree with that one. "So I've decided, that it would be best if we stopped seeing each other."

"Why?" Harm asked, a bit surprised.

"You know why." She got up and headed for the door.

"I'm sorry Renee." He said sincerely.

"Me too," she hinted a smile to let him know that she'd be okay and was gone.


Murphy's Bar

2100 Zulu

Mac walked into Murphy's and took a seat at the counter.

"What can I get for you, ma'am?"

"Tonic water with a squeeze of lime."

"The bartender turned around to get a glass, filled it and brought it back to her.


He nodded. She took a sip of her drink and set the glass down.

"Hey, Mac." Harm said patting her shoulder as he took the seat beside her.

"What would you like, sir?"

"Double bourbon, strait up."

"Hey," she looked over at him. "So how did things go after I left this afternoon?"

"Fine, nothing out of the ordinary." He glanced down at her hands, "No ring? I thought you guys were going to set a date this afternoon." He inquired.

"Yeah, well," she kind of smiled, "we decided that we aren't the right people for each other anymore. How about you and Renee?"

He took a long sip from the glass that had been set before him. "I need this right now."

"That bad, huh?"

His gaze turned from her to the wall behind the counter. "She broke up with me." Turning his head back to her he added, "She said my thoughts have been elsewhere lately and she couldn't handle being second place anymore."

"What girl could?" Mac whispered. Her eyes went down to her hands as she took another sip. He gently turned her to face him once again.

"It's not flying, Mac. It's you." He looked deeply into her eyes and continued, "You have never been second to me, Sarah."

She didn't respond. There wasn't much she could have said to a statement like that.

"Hey, I got you to smile." He grinned back.

A slow song started to play over the jukebox.

"Will you dance with me?" He took her hand and led her to the dance floor.


When the rain is blowing in your face

And the whole world is on your case

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love


"You must know this song," Mac said softly. "You have a beautiful singing voice."


When evening shadows and stars appear

And there is no one to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love


She rested her head on his shoulder and let the words flow around her.


I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling down the avenue

There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love


Her smile widened.


The storms are raging on a rolling sea

And on the highway of regret

The winds of change are blowing wild and free

You ain't see nothing like me yet

I could make you happy make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the earth for you

To make you feel my love


Harm looked down at her. "You liked that, huh?" He smiled.

She looked up at him and smiled back. "That depends, did you mean it?"

"Every word. That's why I let someone else do the talking for me. If I had said it myself it would not have been so eloquent."

"Then I wouldn't be able to say no for a moment!"

"Good, because holding back my feelings for you much longer wouldn't be good for my heart."

He leaned in and kissed her.

"Now that's something I wish I'd known long before Australia." She smiled as they separated slightly.

"What's that?"

"What I feel when you kiss me and I know you're kissing *me* and not envisioning someone else."

"Well, you're here with me now and I don't ever want to lose you."

Mac smiled wider. "You can count on that, Sailor, because I'm not ever going to let go." Her arms tightened around him.

"I don't know if I could ever stop loving you!"

He kissed her again and they left the dance floor to get their coats.

"Shall we, Sarah?" Harm asked, holding out his hand.

"Of course, Mr. Rabb. How could I ever say 'no' to a charming man like

yourself?" She replied, taking his hand. They left to embark on the wonderful life that awaited them together.