( I've got enough gasoline and matches and everything you dare to risk to burn that knight-in-rusting-amour bullshit down to the ground. Because really, who needs a saviour like that when you've got a pretty face, capable hands, and a determined heart?

And please spare me the damsel in distress shit; I'll save my own sorry ass thank you very much.

I'll write my own fairytale and my own 'happily ever after', with or without prince charming and his crappy steed.

Trust me, my Ferrari is faster. )

. . .

. . .

. . .

{ some like it hot }
o1. in the pants
by: babywhat.

Naruto (c) Masashi Kishimoto
"I'd like that with hot passionate sex please."
"
Hello Miss Beautiful."

. . .

. . .

. . .

"And do you know what she said to me? Right when it was getting steamy?" Naruto Uzumaki complained loudly, glaring heatedly at his reflection in the mirror, unaffected by the numerous people bustling about the room.

"Right." I said, sighing. "Enlighten me."

(Not like I would have been able to prevent him from telling me anyway.)

And seriously, how the hell am I supposed to know what his lady of the night decides to scream out during the middle of hot and wild passionate sex? Um, not that I wouldn't mind finding out what he may scream out during middle of said hot and wild passionate sex. Anyway, it's not like Naruto (leader of popular idol group, Rockstar) would ever let me find out personally (because all the girls he beds are like, size zero and have these really perky breasts that probably cost more than my measly salary times like, fifty-three). However, it's not like I would be the one to complain if Naruto Uzumaki decides to call me up one evening and ask me out for a night to remember.

"Ino? Ino? Oi! Are you even listening to me? I can't believe I said that out loud and you didn't even hear me! It's not exactly something I'm proud to to repeat." Naruto groaned, burying his face in his hands.

Smirking, I teased Naruto's bright blond hair into a small bunch and pulled.

Hard.

"Bitch!" Naruto hissed, glaring at my reflection with his bright blue eyes.

"And to think that there are actually people in the world who want to kiss that foul mouth of yours." I sighed dramatically, shaking my head before grabbing a bottle of hairspray and clay to tame a particularly naughty strand of spiky blond hair.

"Hey asshole, stop moving!"

(I sincerely hope Naruto's little fan girls don't have spies in the vents or anything. I don't have anything against him, really! And besides the fact that it would be downright creepy, I really can't die yet. At least not until I've had hot and wild passionate sex with a totally hunky someone, and a heart-warming clichéd love story behind it to boot.)

"Seriously, stop squirming! Your stupid hair style is annoying enough to shape as it is." I growled when the dumbass turned his head again to yell at Lee to stop chewing on the combs.

(According to Lee, it apparently it strengthens his gums.)

Holding a few black bobby pins in between my teeth, I sprayed the life out of the hairspray bottle. Ha! There! That'll teach Uzumaki's hair to mess with Ino Yamanaka, the Goddess of all Hairstylists!

"You better be listening now." Naruto grunted, blinking a few times as he watched me spray at his hair with unnecessary force, before glancing around nervously and whispering, "Shesaid…iahsjkdhdhsadbcldjsf...ohmygodican'tbelieveijustsaidthat!"

"Um, Vat did you shay?" I mumbled through the pins, brushing at his bangs.

Naruto took three deep breaths before murmuring some nonsense about how explaining a dead body with hair pins up the arse to Kakashi (the group's manager) would be way too troublesome.

"I said…" Naruto gulped and lowered his voice a little. "Last night when things were getting really hot, like right when the clothes were coming off and all, she suddenly said to me, 'Hey, I've got to pee.' And as if that wasn't bad enough; when I went to check up on her after ten minutes, I found out that she had…left!"

I almost swallowed the pins.

"HAHAHA! Oh, my god! HAHAHA! I can't breathe! Oh god, hahahaha!"

I clung onto the back of Naruto's leather chair, preventing myself from toppling over with laughter.

(The girl must've been insane. I mean, what kind of person would leave Uzumaki Naruto in the middle of almost hot and wild passionate sex? Jeez. At least have the courtesy of letting me take her place.)

The rest of the staff and Rockstar members turned to give me odd looks.

"I want whatever she had for breakfast." Kiba promptly informed his hairdresser, pointing at me with his lollipop.

By the time I was finally done laughing, calming down, laughing again, wiping at my eyes, and moaning about the stomach-ache I had acquired from laughing so hard, Naruto had spun around on his chair, crossed his arms and looked about ready to maim my ass.

(And not even in the fun way.

Damn.)

"Oh darling, have I ever told you how sexy you look when you're angry?" I drawled, grinning brightly at Naruto, before spinning him back to face the mirror. He squinted, eyes sensitive at the sudden exposure of bright lights attached to the large mirror. (I swear, I'm going to go fucking blind because of those blasted lights someday.) "Now let me finish with your hair, you sexy beast you."

"I am never telling you anything again, Yamanaka." Naruto huffed.

The asshole then started to fidget in his seat, making it extremely hard for me to slay his hair into something that even remotely resembled sexy. "Besides, I'm sexy twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, thirty-one days a month, three hundred sixty-five days a year."

"You know, those razor sharp scissors on my tray are starting to look awfully appealing right now." I threatened, grabbing the scissors and raising it to Naruto's chaos known as hair (courtesy of yours truly).

"If you don't remove that…thing…away from my amazing drool-worthy locks within three seconds, I'm going to tell Lee that you're interested in hearing his 'Spring of Youth' rant." Naruto grinned; grabbing the magazine on the counter and flipping through it casually.

Oh, so the asshole thinks he's won now.

"If you so even mention the word 'youth' near Lee, I'm going to tell a certain manager that it was you who used his Icha Icha Paradise book in an attempt to extinguish the fire that you started in the lounge yesterday. I mean seriously, loosing a fight to the coffee maker? Trying to smother the flames with fucking paper? Moronic much?"

I set the scissors back down on to the tray. "Besides, I have your hair in my hands, and I'm sure as hell not afraid to use it."

"You are such a bitch." Naruto snarled under his breath, his grip on the magazine tightened until the whites of his knuckles were visible underneath his tanned skin.

"Bastard who has fucking man boobs." I sniggered, pinning a few mischievous pieces of hair in place. Naruto's hair was exactly like him: stubborn, moronic, arrogant, spiteful - damnit, I need those scissors right now!

"Bitch with no ass." Naruto snorted in retort, challenging me with a cocked brow in which I accepted with a gentle pat on his head.

"Ten minutes until the interview begins."

Kakashi always spoke in a mild, calm manner. He was usually found with his nose buried in the latest volume of Icha Icha Paradise (some creepy porn novel).

"And Ino? Take those strawberry, butterfly, and rainbow clips out of Naruto's hair."

And he never missed a single detail.

Stupid perverted genius of a manager.

(Damnit! My plan has been soiled! And besides, that wasn't a strawberry clip, it was a raspberry one.)

"Why you-!" Naruto's eyes widened to an impressive size.

"What can I say darling?" I cut him off, sliding the pink butterfly hairpin out of place (and substituting it with a unicorn one! Heh, let's just hope Kakashi doesn't notice), before he could finish his sentence. "It's my job."

"Someday Ino," Naruto warned, rising from the chair and pointing at me. "I am going to personally fire your sorry ass!"

Oh, psh. Like anyone could resist my ass.

(Even if it is a little flat.)

"You know when you point at someone three fingers are pointing back at you?" I kindly informed the idiot, waving a cute goodbye as Naruto disappeared into the next room, glaring at me. (Lee, Kiba and Kakashi were having a hard time concealing their laughter at the site of sex god Naruto Uzumaki waltzing into the interview room adorning cute unicorn clips.)

And even though I always had so much fun indulging in the torture of one Uzumaki Naruto, it was undeniable that I harboured the biggest crush on the moronic, conceited (and very strippable with the eyes) asshole.

Damnit.

Whoever's responsible for this owes me an amazing, spectacular, stupendous, bewildering, astounding, round of make-up sex.

No jokes.

. . .

. . .

. . .

"Ino Yamanaka! You're already a woman of twenty-three! I'm not your mother, but really, when will you ever learn to take some responsibility? I've already been quite lenient with you, but I really do need you to pay this and last month's rent by the end of this week!" My ever-so-loving land-lady (and my ever-so-loving-aunt) screeched over the phone. You see, I wasn't kidding when I said measly salary.

"Yumi, I'm actually twenty-two." I corrected, frowning at my sushi, slowly loosing my appetite at the sound of my aunt's increasing volume of shrieking. "Besides, Yumi, I'm at work. Could you please tone it down a bit?"

"Yamanaka Ino! How dare you speak to me like that? Don't make me bring broom-san when I come to collect the rent!" My aunt yelled, just as loudly as before. I winced when I caught site of another hairstylist throwing a nasty glare at me over her shoulder.

Oh boy.

Broom-san was definitely not someone I enjoyed seeing. The last time I saw Broom-san, my ass was sore for three days. Not that I would ever tell my parents, because then my dad would haul my ass home. (I mean, being a daddy's girl had its benefits and all, but was it really necessary to threaten all the guys I brought home? I was hardly getting enough any action as it is.)

"Ino Yamanaka! Do you not even recognize your own name now? Why aren't you replying me?"

"After you've been repeatedly yelling my name into my ear for the past seven minutes, I'm pretty sure that even if I didn't want to recognize my name, I'd still be able to."

"Why you disrespectful kid! I'm going to call your father right this instant! You are out of control!" My aunt rattled on.

Oh shit.

"Um, what's that? I can't hear anything, everything's getting all fuzzy!" I cried, rubbing the sleeve of my sweater furiously against the mouth of my phone. "Hello? Moshi Moshi? Aunty? The signals…dying…I…can't…hear…you…" I trailed off, and then ended the conversation with a click of the end key.

"Oh, sneaky man. I got to keep trick up my sleeve for later use against my mom." Someone snickered, before sliding into the seat next to mine.

"Hey Kiba." I grinned, offering some of my sushi to him. "After surviving that deafening experience, I really don't have much of an appetite."

"I know what you mean. Once my mom starts, it's like she can go on for centuries." Kiba nodded sympathetically, accepting a piece of my sushi.

Just when I was opening my mouth to reply, my cell phone started vibrating in my pocket.

I made the grave mistake of picking up.

"INO YAMANAKA HOW DARE YOU HANG UP-"

"Sorry, the number you have dialled is currently unavailable, please try again later. Thank you very much. Miahnae, um, le numbre vous have dialled est currently n'available pas…please try again later. Kamsahamnida!" I hastily replied into the phone, repeating the last part in a mixture of very broken Korean, French and English.

"HAHAHAHA! Dude!" Kiba laughed, slapping me on the back. "That was genius."

"This is the result of having too much spare time on my hands while touring with you guys." I giggled.

I was just about to stuff another piece of sushi into my mouth when a loud voice wafted over to our table.

"Hello my fellow friends! You must take this chance to enjoy your youth during this flourishing summer!"

Kiba and I exchanged a glance.

It was Lee.

(Okay, let me set things straight. Rock Lee is a good guy and all, and he's absolutely adorable in this totally naïve, cute and clueless sort of way, but he can be so god-damned annoying with his stupid rants about youth and whatnot. The only member in Rockstar who could possibly stand his rants is probably Neji Hyuuga. I think. I mean it's kind of hard to tell when the guy barely exhibits any emotions. Except for when he's on stage.

Neji Hyuuga is fucking hot by the way.

Just thought I'd share that titbit.

Because sharing is caring.

...

Um, give hugs not drugs kids!)

"Oh, well, would you look at the time?" I gasped, feigning shock. "I've got lots to do today! A little cleanup on Naruto's bangs, some fixing up on Neji's split ends and a dye job for…um, someone." I swiftly stuffed the rest of my sushi into my mouth and made way for the exit of the lounge. "See you around Kiba, Lee!"

"That's the spirit Ino-chan!" Lee beamed, before opening his own box of sushi.

Kiba sighed in exasperation. "Thanks a lot Lee. Now I can't ask Ino what I should do about the disappearance of my pick-up-hot-ladies Dora the Explorer boxers!"

. . .

. . .

. . .

It was exactly 2:08 in the morning, and after a long tiring day of battling with crazy hair, verbal abuses thrown at Naruto, then the physical abuse of getting my beautiful hair entangled in his stupid jean jacket button, I was finally free to go home, soak my aching body in a relaxing bubble bath and get some much needed sleep.

(And perhaps have sexy dreams. Preferably one involving a really good looking guy and I in a compromising position.)

"I'm not kidding!" Sakura Haruno (fellow torturer of Rockstar celebrity hair) grumbled, clutching tightly onto her purse. "They say that there's been this freaky dude roaming the streets near this building at night; stalking all the good looking trainees and workers."

"Why thank you Forehead. I didn't know you thought so highly of me." I winked, swinging my duffel bag over my shoulder.

"What? I wasn't talking about your ugly ass face, I was talking about myself!" The pink haired girl snorted, rolling her eyes. "Talk about conceited."

"Oh, funny how you mention conceited." I shot back, pushing the backdoor open.

"Oh yeah? Well you're pretty…pretty ugly!" Sakura responded lamely, kicking the door shut.

"Wow. Okay. How will I ever recover from that one?"

"Psh, at least I'll have more boobs than you'll ever have, merely by holding up two peanuts."

Ouch.

What a bitch, just because she was one cup size larger!

"Well I hope you encounter that freaky stalker dude then, Miss Beautiful." I teased, as we neared the intersection.

I usually cross the street here, and then Sakura and I would head off in opposite directions.

"Argh! Don't freak me out! Damnit, I should've called Sasuke to come pick me up." Sakura grumbled, hugging her purse closely against her (slightly larger) chest and waving me a hasty goodbye.

(Sasuke Uchiha: Forehead's unbelievably gorgeous and wealthy boyfriend.

Seriously, how did she ever manage to land herself such a god?

You know, I bet it was that push up bra.)

"Be careful Miss Beautiful!" I taunted again, once I was across the street.

Sakura simply gave me the finger in response.

Five minutes later, after Sakura's figure had officially been consumed by night, I hummed a few random tunes from Rockstar's latest album before the chilliness of the night really got to me.

Okay fine, so maybe it was like 37 degrees Celsius in the summer and the humidity and heat was clinging to my skin like a thick sheet of sweat and grime, but thanks to stupid Sakura and her story, I had goosebumps all over my arms.

As I was rounding the corner to the street where my apartment complex lay, I could have sworn on the sweet love of god that I saw a flash of blue. Okay, something was most definitely following me. I didn't watch all those horror and suspense flicks for nothing.

(Okay, maybe I watched them from time to time so I could use it as an excuse to snuggle up to Naruto, but that was about it.)

Oh god.

Please don't let it be that scary stalker dude. Why couldn't he have followed Sakura home instead? At least she has Sasuke to protect her.

(Because the only two people I can count on would have been Shikamaru and Chouji. And Shikamaru would've been like, Oh, that's too troublesome. I'd rather be lazy and sit on my ass watching clouds all day than come save your cute perky ass. Chouji would've been like, Sure! I'll come save you, after my twelve course meal!)

"Dear God, please spare my life!" I cried in my mind, clinging tightly onto my duffel bag and accelerating my pace.

Before I knew it, I was leaning against the mint coloured wall of my apartment building, panting heavily. I took three deep breaths before digging ferociously through my duffel bag for my keys to open the main entrance of the building. I was still not safe yet…I was still (gulp) in the vulnerable clutches of the night.

"Goddamnit, where are my stupid keys?" I muttered, pushing my water bottle out of the way and- hey! Who the hell put that box of condoms in my bag?

Thump.

"What the fucking hell was that?" I yelped.

Various alarms and warning bells went off in my head. I squeezed my eyes shut before tilting my head towards the left. Peeking one eye open, I gasped.

Uh, that hand on the wall of the building was most definitely not mine.

"Hello, Miss Beautiful." Someone (a very freaky stalker-sounding-like male someone) whispered in my ear.

Oh, dear Lord.
Well, if he's going to kidnap me, at least let him be really hot?
Amen.

. . .

. . .

. . .

I hope everyone enjoyed the first chapter! And I also want to sincerely apologize for the major butchering of the Korean and French language. My French teacher would've been so ashamed to see that incoherent poor excuse of a sentence. T.T

So, any guesses who the hand might belong to? ;D

(Will be spending the summer in summer school. D: I can't believe this. It's because I'm such a failure at being Asian and flunked math. Urgh.)

Reviews are really really appreciated! :D
(And yes, Ino is really horny and shallow and a little ditzy.
But, she kind of strikes me as that type, no?
I love her regardless. :D)