Pairings: Jibbs, hints at McAbby.
Warnings: Spoilers for 5.18/5.19 Judgment Day
Summary: Her death affected them all, and they all reacted in different ways.
Notes: Written for the NFA Tearjerker Challenge. Pam did say it was alright for the team to mourn the loss of a character who died in canon. So, that is what I did. I wrote about Jen's death. Again. sigh I don't know why I do this. lol. Oh well, I hope it fits the challenge, Pam. :)
Oh, and Percayadiri is Indonesian for "Believe in yourself."
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I've never seen Gibbs like that before. He was so emotional, so vulnerable. He cared about her. He still does. I don't think he'll ever let go; A part of himself had been lost with her death. I could see it, everyone could. Abby . . . Yes, Abby. . . She reacted the most overtly I think, her tears were felt by everyone on the team. She seemed to be crying for all of us. I did not know the Director as well as others on the team, like Ziva or Gibbs, even Abby for that matter. Abby cares about everyone though. She has a habit of making herself be remembered by anyone who comes into contact with her. I don't know what it is about her, she's a very memorable person. She cared a lot about the Director.
'She's gone.' I think to myself. Those words keep resonating in my mind. As I attempt to stay composed I feel more hot tears run down my red face, 'Damn, more tears.' Director Shepard was an amazing person, losing her is like losing apart of myself, even though I didn't interact with her much, I still miss her. Oh. . . Gibbs, he must be devastated. He cared a lot about her, you could tell from his eyes. As I try and compose myself I see the sadness in his eyes. The pain of losing someone you love. Someone you cared for. Someone who cared about you. Their bond ran deep. Tim is here, in my lab, he looks like he doesn't know what to think. Damn, why is this so hard? The tears begin again. I can't stop them, giving into the emotion, I feel Tim pull me into his arms and comfort me.
That is all it said. What did she want to tell me? Jen doesn't write me letters. She must have been afraid; too afraid to tell me straight up. I haven't seen Jenny Shepard afraid very often, in fact I think I only ever saw fear in her eyes once or twice while we were working together. She doesn't get afraid, she's too strong for that. No, she didn't get afraid and she was too strong for that, I think to myself, and the realisation hits me, she's not here any more. I stare at the unfinished letter, "Jen, what did you want to tell me?" I put it back on her desk, "I guess I wasn't meant to know." I say softly. I look over to the waste paper basket, I can see several scrunched up pieces of paper, I only speculate as to what's written on them, Jenny's words will never be known to me, though I have an idea of what she wanted to tell me. "Jen, you could have told me, you didn't have to be afraid." I say, standing up from her desk. She will be kept in my memory, before I leave and make sure no one will truly know what happened here tonight, I collect a few keepsakes I know Jenny kept from our time together in Paris. Those memories meant a lot to her and mean a lot to me now, maybe even more so now. I collect a bundle of photographs and some letters. Then I do what needs to be done, for Jenny.
Sure it's apart of our jobs, sure we should be prepared for the aftermath, but it's not always like that. In fact it never has been. Not with Kate, not with Paula, and Jenny is no exception. It is not fair, it never is. Whenever someone is lost that you care about, the circumstances in which they are lost are never comforting. Ziva and I should have been there, we shouldn't have been so naïve. I should have listened to Ziva, we should have followed Jenny. But where would that have gotten us? Killed as well? Maybe. But maybe we could have saved her, prevented this. . .this. . . this tragedy.
I should be able to handle this. I have seen the death of people I care for before, why should I continue to be affected by it. Because she was my friend? Because I cared for her? Because . . . I can't think of more reasons, I don't know what to feel. The range of emotions which are stirring up inside me just want to break free, but cannot. Anger; Sadness; Guilt; Betrayal; Loss. That is what I feel. Jenny Shepard was an amazing woman, one who was too young to die.
Dear Jennifer. . . How did fate let this happen? My dear you were a remarkable woman. This seems tougher than Caitlin's death, perhaps because yours was expected? Whatever the reason, I suspect this will be severely felt by all who knew you. You came to me and entrusted the knowledge of your illness to me, before you told anyone else, you trusted me. Just as I trusted you. You have been a great friend of mine for many years, I am sad that it is you, not I, who has left this world first. Nature is curious and works in strange ways sometimes, those who are old do not necessarily fall before those who are young. You, my dear, were too young to leave this world. I have seen many deaths, both of those close to me who I have known for years, and then those who I have never known, but get to know through solving the mysteries of their deaths. While it is an occasion filled with sorrow, death helps us learn, it helps us learn about life. I hope we can all gain something positive from your death. I suspect we will have a hard time finding out what that something positive is though, you meant a lot to many of us, and though I have learnt how to grieve for the ones I love, and I have developed ways to cope and move on, you will be hard to let go, dear Jennifer.