Gone

Gone.

How could one word describe it all? No word at all could describe my pain. Would anyone ever understand? How would that be possible?

We were two of a kind. More than that – one of a kind, happening to live in two bodies. We knew each other better than anyone. Could finish each other's sentences. Could feel what the other felt. Sense when the other was in trouble – though, of course, we were usually in trouble together. Always together.

"Oops..."Fred grinned, looking at me. I grinned back. Argus Filch looked over his shoulder. "You won't be laughing much more, you two!"he said in a nasty tone. "Stupid little students", he added in an undertone. "What did you say?"Fred asked. "Didn't catch that last bit." Filch didn't answer, but walked on, looking furious. We silently agreed to follow him without many more comments.

His office was just like you would expect of a caretaker. Neat, clean, filled with cupboards, some open because of its contents. We looked around, searching anything worth causing more trouble for. Then we saw it. A filing cabinets, bearing the label "Confiscated and Highly Dangerous". I looked at Fred. Fred looked at me. Filch seemed to notice something, because he stopped his preach about behaviour and asked rather shortly: "What?" "Oh, nothing" I said, trying to sounds airily. "It's just funny." "What is?"Filch asked, frowning. "This is", Fred said. He dropped another Dungbomb on the floor. Filch screamed as the horrible smell filled his tidy office. "Sorry"Fred said, not able to keep a laugh out of his tone. I walked towards the cabinet, janked it open and took a piece of parchment from it. It was all I could do, for the smoke caused by the Dungbomb was already decreasing. When Filch could see us again, we were standing next to each other again, covering up our faces and coughing. "Go", Filch growled and we left, howling with laughter and with tears in our eyes.

That piece of parchment we stole did so much to us. We used it more than anyone else – only Harry has used it more, perhaps. We. Together. I can't get over it. It's more than I can cope with. My brother, best friend, twin... Gone. That word again. Dead. Left – forever. Do I believe in heaven? I don't know. I've never known. Heaven sounds so far away. But now, I wish it was close. I wish more than ever, harder than ever.

No one will ever be able to replace Fred. No one. I don't think anyone will try. Everyone leaves me alone here. Letting me grieve by myself. I wouldn't mind having someone else around. Someone who knew Fred, too. Not someone who thinks to know how to calm hurt people down. A family member, perhaps. But then, no one thinks of Fred the way I do. I'm sure of that. No one knows him the way I do. That is just inevitable. Twins just know each other, even if they don't like each other. But I liked Fred. I loved Fred. My best friend. How could he leave? Leave me? Leave everyone behind, without smiles to show, jokes to crack, even though terror is gone? Even though the biggest threats are gone? How could he?!

At least he died smiling. That is just him. I – he – wouldn't have wanted to die any other way. I will die like that too. No matter what. I won't die grumpily.

Damn it. I don't want to think about him. I don't want to feel this terrible emptiness, these emotions that suck life out of me. Please come back. Please don't leave me. I can't live without you. I need you. Don't you see? WHY did you leave? Why? We'd die together, remember?

"Detention tomorrow again. Snape this time. Together." We could hardly be angry anymore. We had had detentions for the last five years. It didn't hurt us much anymore. They couldn't do much more anyway, and we knew just how far we could go. We made sure to stay out of too serious trouble. Making fun is one thing, but going to far is just ... too far.

"Ah, together again", George said, a smile on his face. "They don't learn, do they?" "Nope", I said. "But then again, who cares?"George said. I wasn't even surprised that he had said exactly what I had tohught. "We'll stick together", I said. "We will", George answered softly. "Always." "Always", I repeated.

Always. See? You lied. I lied. It wouldn't be always. Always ended at the age of nineteen. For you. Life went on for me, but without you. Always, and yet not always. Strange. Living on without you. I just can't believe it. It shouldn't have been this way. I always knew we would never get through everything completely. That would be impossible. Ever since his rising, we agreed we would do anything to stop him. That was a dangerous decision to make, but we made it, knowing the risks. Losing my ear was a foreboding of worse things. Do you remember that, Fred? Do you? When I lost my ear, during summer? When I said that about being holey, I felt so good. Despite the hole in my head. I could just feel our connection, stronger than ever. I hope you have felt it too. It was so good. Just right. We didn't need much else. As long as we were together. And now... What do I need now? I need you. But what can I do? I won't kill myself. I'd like to, but I won't. That would just be pathetic. I have to cope with it, get over it, start a new life. But it's so hard... without you.