Disclaimer: I don't own MGS. But I'll be damned if I let that stop me! Laziness, however, manage to do so…


The cargo ship Discovery drifted lazily through the waters of the Hudson River; it having a special cargo… we've done this before, right?

Anyways, several hundred feet above the tanker, a lone man walked along the span of the George Washington Bridge, casually smoking a cigarette; his face and body covered by a black poncho. The scowling warrior paused to casually flick his smoke over the side of the bridge, probably scalding some poor sea turtle or something. However, the man had more important things in mind. He had a grim task, one all the more grim due to the sordid history between him and bridges.

Bursting into a sprint, the soldier tossed off his cloak, disappearing in an electric haze. The now invisible man dove off the side of the bridge, after fluidly tying a bungee cord to the rails. He mentally ticked off the equipment he brought along for the mission…

Digital camera…for photos of our target…

Antipersonnel vibration sensor… for tight places where I can't use the radar…

Field binoculars…for distance recon…

Cigarettes with lighter… don't leave home without them…

Converted Beretta 92F tranquilizer gun with laser sight and suppressor…can't exactly get into a shooting war with a whole marine detachment with it, but good enough…

Top of the line stealth camouflage…Because Otacon said a bungee jumping cardboard box would be too conspicuous… the fool…

Sneaking suit…man, this is tight…

200 foot bungee cord…wait… was that 200 feet stretched out or 200 feet normal? Oh shit…

THUD!

As our hero lay on the deck of the tanker, his stealth camouflage shorting out and his preternatural ability to shake off severe head trauma kicking in, he was observed from a distant helicopter by a certain geriatric gunslinger…

"Our boy is right on schedule. He'll know soon enough…" Ocelot said, marveling at how much this scenario reminded him of when Mantis bet Liquid he wouldn't survive a headfirst drop off of the Comm Tower roof… and Liquid proved him wrong.

Our hero rose to his feet, accompanied by a thunderclap and the game's logo. Running to a secluded spot on deck, Solid Snake contacted his friend and mission planner, Hal Emmerich.

"Kept you waiting, eh? I'm at the sneak point…"

"Everything going okay?"

"Nope, my invisibility suit's busted, and I think a cardboard box might've shielded me a little better from the impact. Especially considering how my plan included those little Styrofoam peanuts…"

"So…" Otacon said, once again wondering about his pal's strange fascination with all things corrugated. "…Working in the private sectors not so bad, right? Privacy guaranteed…"

"Yep, and no crazy doctor promising to allow strip searches and never delivering…" Snake said, before realizing another problem he had with Naomi "Oh, and no heart attack viruses. Though I do admit, she, along with the quote lady and the rambling military analyst, was quite a bit more attractive than you. The crazy sniper lady was hot too… you had a thing for her right? Whatever happened to her?"

"You shot her!"

"Oh yeah… my bad…"

"Hey, I have an idea. While you're on the deck of a tanker full of trained marines guarding a classified government secret, why don't we rehash the past few years, for our reader's sake?"

"Oh yeah, after I blew up the unstoppable killing machine you invented, Ocelot sold all the data on the black market, and somehow now everybody has their own unstoppable killing machine based on it. So in effect, it's all your fault."

"What?!"

"Well, you invented the first one; so I kinda think Ocelot's just the middle man…"

"Anyways, this new model developed by the Marines is designed to stop all the evil Metal Gears. And as you know, our group, PHILANTHROPY, is dedicated to stopping evil Metal Gears."

"So we must immediately sabotage the Marine Corps' plans before they put us out of a job?"

"Exactly."

"Anyways, the guys on deck don't appear armed. Seems a bit suspicious."

"Well obviously. People at the shoreline would be able to see armed Marines running on deck. Though they might not notice a giant robot if it tore the boat in two and started swimming away…"

"Well, I do admit that having lackluster security is good for me, but seriously, it has a Metal Gear onboard. You'd think that the government could post a few more guards…"

"Snake, trust me… there's no reason to worry. Just get past the unarmed, inattentive marines and find the Cargo Holds."

Of course, at that moment, the marines on deck proved how inattentive they were by ignoring a Russian military helicopter buzzing around them, and just wandering around while a group balaclava-wearing soldiers ran around killing them.

"I told you, security should've been tighter..."

"You think they're there to hijack Metal Gear?"

"Well, let's see. A group of them storm the ship, methodically slaughtering the guards. They are wearing the latest in 'faceless guard' fashion and are carrying fully automatic weapons. I'd say so…" Our hero said, noticing what appeared to be a senior officer stepping into his view. "Judging by their choice in Russian assault rifles, Russian camouflage, Russian helicopters, and Russian haircuts, I have this lingering suspicion that they might be from Russia…"

Quickly, Snake took picture of the probable leader of the probably-Russian military brigade and went back to hiding.

"Snake, all we need is photographic proof of Metal Gear, so not pyrotechnics, okay?"

"But… what about one tiny…"

"No. This isn't like Shadow Moses… except for the legion of identically-clad faceless guards showing up to hijack a Metal Gear, me using the exact same CODEC frequency as I did back then, me using Mei Ling's old frequency to save your data, me giving you quotes when you save your data, and the first boss fight probably will be a handgun wielding Russian."

"Understood. Snake out."

And so, our hero embarked out on yet another fantastic adventure, one which would eventually encompass fanboy rage, immense confusion, and confirmation that Hideo Kojima is indeed completely freaking insane.