Silentshipping's Cry for Help
By Sakura Takanouchi and Kako
Summary: So you want to hook up Seto Kaiba with Serenity Wheeler but you don't know how? No worries! Just follow our guide to learn how to write using these recycled clichés and examples! Co-written with Kako
Sakura Takanouchi: Plot bunnies are mysterious creatures... This is basically a parody on how formulaic all romances really are. We don't own Yu-gi-oh!, any pop culture references or Jane Austen books. We just own our respective stories, which are all fair play in this massacre of Seto Kaiba's characterization…
Kako: Characterization? Did we need that? I'm pretty sure it got thrown out the window…on the first floor…which wouldn't hurt it much.
ST: Yeah, characterization's pretty springy. It can hold up to a lot.
Chapter One: How else would it happen?
So you want to hook up Domino's most eligible bachelor. Don't we all? I mean, he is THE Seto Kaiba after all. Just for reference, in this guide we're using the lovely Serenity Wheeler as the bait for the hook—just because I know this turf and what's been disastrously overused, and using myself wouldn't have been good for the publicity. But practice makes perfect, yes? But for good romance, you must have conflict! Now, to get our two unsuspecting lovebirds together… let's start with the dramatic entrance, shall we?
Joey could barely contain his excitement. "So you're at the train station now? Completely out-of-the blue you're going to live with me? How convenient that I live in a 2-bedroom apartment! …Well, for my wardrobe. A walk-in closet? Get it? Well, anyways, 'Ren, just let me plan a welcome party and I'll come and get you right away!"
Notice the typical Joey Wheeler happy-go-lucky attitude and ill-timed jokes. Also, make sure to butcher Serenity's name to make it sound like she's a bird as often as possible. And remember the extra space for Joey's strangely monotonous clothing. That or for hair gel, your choice. Now to the party:
This is very important. There is ALWAYS a party.
"Hey, guys, I'd like you to meet my baby sister, Serenity."
Everyone looks up to the strategically placed staircase where Serenity descends majestically. Insert painstaking physical description of entrance here. Everyone in the room was stunned by her apparent beauty. It all came to a screeching halt once Serenity herself heard her oaf of a brother.
"…The hell did you just call me? Joey, you oaf! If being one year younger than you makes me a baby, then you're a toddler!"
Please take note of the use of Serenity Character Archetype B. For your reference, there is a reference below:
Serenity Character Archetype A: The meek, polite Serenity. Also known as 'In-character Serenity.' Better known as 'Serenity the doormat.' Frequently bows to others and will always take her brother's side. This Serenity will usually take a tutor-like role for poor Mokuba. If using S.C.A.A., this plot-line is the way to go.
Serenity Character Archetype B: The firecracker wisecracking Serenity. Also known as 'Really? It's Serenity? Serenity.' Better known as 'Interesting Serenity.' More like her brother but more refined to appeal to THE Seto Kaiba. S.C.A.B. (HA!) is known for being funny and charming mostly, but doesn't take any nonsense from nobody, especially not from Mr. Kaiba.
Most stories are constructed using either Archetype A or B, or a mixture of both. I prefer the mix--gives you more options so you can decide whether to stay in character or not.
Serenity's well-aimed punch at her brother's shoulder was interrupted by a dramatic whoosh! As the doors to wherever in this plot-hole they were opened, the silhouette of the brothers Kaiba were shown. "I was hoping to put the dog in his place, but it seems like someone beat me to it," Kaiba's baritone voice echoed throughout the room. Joey's eyes narrowed.
Also, note the mixings of several different tenses and multiple grammatical errors. This is completely intentional, and absolutely necessary if you aspire to create the ultimate "Let's pair off Seto!!11!" fanfic.
"I didn't invite you to this party, moneybags," Joey continued.
"I did, Joey!" Yugi piped up. "I promised him a rematch if he'd show up and stay for the whole scene." Joey whined, but Serenity was entranced by the mystique of this mysterious man in front of her. Perhaps, for the plot's sake, Serenity B. was raised in a convent. "Why are you calling him that? Doesn't he have a name?"
Now back to Seto! Our hero had suddenly developed a bout of Character-flu which had suddenly made him want to introduce himself to this rather stunning-looking girl in front of him. You could just hear the cogs coming to life in his brain.
POV SWITCH SETO KAIBA TIME! (This is crucial)
'Hmm…maybe it's not Maybelline…'
POV SWITCH END SETO KAIBA TIME! (Absolutely necessary to storyline)
"Why I'm THE Seto Kaiba," the smooth guy said, taking Serenity's hand in his. "I'm surprised you haven't heard of me."
"I was raised in a convent," she replied simply. "And I have a tragic past—blinded and everything."
Just then, the realization dawned on our two tragic heroes. Duh duh duuuuuh! Mutual attraction alert! Kaiba lost himself in her dreamy caramel/espresso/forest green eyes, while she had to catch her breath to keep from drowning in his "ocean blue pools of liquid desire." Make sure to use this phrase as often as possible, it never gets boring. Also, notice the bad pun/allusion/whatever/words used to describe their magical eye-connection. And the fact that no one really knows Serenity's true eye color, so we usually just make something up. Now for music!
"Blinded by the light…"
No, not that music! We need suspense music, to foreshadow the "realization" moment to come! And yes. The realization moment is always present in any Silentshippin' fiction. You'd think they all get it by now.
"Come on, Serenity-sister-of-mine, you haven't met Tea yet. You're destined to be best friends forever! BFFs! Like me an' Tristan! Where is that rascal anyways?"
I guess Character- flu is contagious. It has caused Joey to have bouts of random accents, use slang acronyms, and call Tristan a rascal. But anyways, back to the story:
"You're related? To the mutt?" Seto stared incredulously at his hand. "Are there any bathrooms in this plot-hole? I think I'm coming down with a case of Character-flu." And with that, Seto stormed out of the room, his trench coat billowing dramatically behind him. Mokuba, following the rule that 'children should be seen and not heard', followed behind with a fan, causing his hair to ruffle attractively and the coat to billow gracefully.
"So that's how he does it," Joey said, breaking the dramatic silence.
So our hostile takeover of Seto Kaiba's emotions is almost complete! We just need a short scene of Seto Kaiba realizing that he may or may not have something that could be described as remotely similar to feelings, as well as either an 'angry-Serenity B' or 'wimpy but still slightly ticked off Serenity A' scene. Because Serenity A/B and Seto have to be pitted against each other, or else it's not interesting. Also take note of the tactful way I covered up (in the above paragraph) how I forgot to give Mokuba any purpose in this part of the story. So perhaps he is just that devoted to his brother. He'll call him Jeeves.
"Jeeves! What's wrong with me?" Seto splashed water from the sink onto his face. What on earth (if that was indeed where they were) possessed him to grasp her hand like that? Did he want to? And she was related to that scum of the Earth! …this is, assuming we're on the Earth.
"Big brother, let me get you a towel to dry your hands!" Mokuba piped up helpfully, grabbing a dry washcloth from a pile of pristine white ones.
Now, our hero can do one of several things…okay, many things, but this is a parody, people!
1) Seto can pursue said lovely lady because she is Joey's sweet innocent sister and he wants to aggravate Joey more than usual.
2) Seto is curious about his reaction and decides to 'pursue' her to find out more (this is Seto having HORMONES! Who knew?).
3) He's bored because Friends got taken off the air and he needs something to occupy his time with now.
As we want to fully explore (okay, maul) every possible cliché storyline, let's combine all of our options into one super-option!
"Jeeves, I just don't get it! Something doesn't feel right about any of this. Fetch me my heart-monitor!"
Mokuba grabbed a small microscope-looking thing and Seto yanked it out of his outstretched hands. Holding it up to his chest, a faint shriveled-up looking red thing was visible, twitching rhythmically. "No! It can't be! I gained a size and a half?!" Seto shouted incredulously. "I just measured it at breakfast!"
All of this shouting could be heard from the common room where the rest of the cast was loitering around.
"See, Serenity! He's probably torturing his brother or something. That Kaiba is a creep. You stay away from him- I don't want to have to go beat him up before I have my first kickboxing class." Joey put a reassuring arm over his little sister's shoulder, who shrugged it off, but was trapped when her other shoulder was dominated by Tristan's arm. Did she look like an armrest to everyone? Don't answer that.
"That's smart of Joey- but listen; I've been taking kickboxing lessons for much longer than that. Like two whole weeks! I'll protect you- how about starting next Saturday night?" Wow, Tristan was desperate for some lovin'. Let's call him…Hormone!
Joey had yanked said loverboy away from his conquest, who looked about ready to kill the next person who touched her (S.C.A.B. alert!). "Where the hell did you come from, Hormone!" Joey shouted, doing his complicated 'secret handshake' with his B.F.F. "And you are not doing any 'protecting' on my watch!" He rolled up a sleeve, with a watch head. Each hour mark had a letter spelling out 'Protect Seren'. "Do you like? I bought it at a kiosk at the mall."
Serenity rolled her eyes and started planning her escape as everyone crowded around Joey, admiring his watch. She backed away and found herself in a long and winding corridor. Wondering where it led to and if it would still exist after this particular plot-thread was finished, she wandered down it, unaware of the voices not far away.
You thought I had forgotten about Seto and Mokuba, hadn't you? Well…that's why there's a scene change! Let's return to Seto (the Grinch) and Mokuba (Jeeves) congregating in the bathroom like junior-high-school girls.
"I need to devise a way to get my heart back to 'normal'!" Seto declared, striking a particularly evil pose while Mokuba stood to the side, directing the fan so it blew Seto's hair around dramatically, even though no one was around to witness the moment. "Now, I suppose I can use this 'Serenity' person to achieve my evil ends," he started, stroking his chin diabolically. "If she truly is 'Serenity-Character-Archetype A, it will certainly be easy enough to use her, and then the Wheeler family will be crushed into the dirt, where they belong! But—I'll have to make sure she really is that lame. This will involve getting close to her- at the same time, I can determine if it is her doing that caused the bloating of my heart." He compulsively checked his heart size again, content that it was slowly going back to normal.
"And now that Friends is off the air, you have nothing to do next Friday night," Mokuba suggested. Seto's eyes twinkled with the completion of his evil scheme.
"Yes! All things are perfect now. We just need a way to meet with Ms. Wheeler without her brother knowing anything about it. A rendezvous of some sort. A clandestine encounter." Seto ran out of synonyms, so he settled for rubbing his hands together dramatically. The duo then exited the restroom, where our (anti) hero smacked right into the young and gullible Ms. Wheeler.
"Oh, Serenity, what are you doing here? …Alone?" Mokuba smacked his head at how creepy his brother sounded, but the action went unnoticed by the girl.
"Oh…I'm just exploring this plot-hole," she replied easily.
"Be honest now, Wheeler," Seto replied imperiously. Being a super-CEO; he knew at once that she was withholding information. "You were trying to get away from your brother and the rest of the happy-friendship-brigade, weren't you?" He chuckled quietly at her slightly abashed expression. This was almost too easy. And he couldn't help but like the way the smallest hint of a blush traced its way across her face—
WHOA!! Can you believe this garbage? Neither can I, but it happens pretty often. I had to stop that before someone gets ill (Sakura and Kako are not responsible for any physical illness or harm during the reading of this fanfic) So… now we arrive to the crux of the chapter—how will Seto manipulate poor Serenity into another encounter? For, as we all should accept as a fact of life, any form of relationship to occur, they need to be thrown together as many times as to make everyone else borderline suspicious! So how on Earth can I do that? Let's go with a spin on an overly-cliché method:
"I'm surprised that you could see through me so easily," Serenity began again, breaking the awkward silence. Mokuba had long since left, probably to the bathroom to relieve his stomach of all its contents due to the supreme character-butchering happening above.
"I'm the CEO of Kaiba-Corp," he replied, his eyes registering their shock at that this information had no effect on her at all. How unusual! At the mere mention of his status, girls immediately erupted in 1. Squeals 2. Blushes 3. Hives (but that was just ONCE, okay?) 4. At least SOME positive reaction… but the girl in front of him just looked confused.
"You have an army?" She eyed him critically.
"Not Corps, its short for Corporation. I'm the CEO of the biggest toy and game company in Domino," the man explained, remarkably patiently for this had to be the first time in recorded history that people just didn't know automatically what Kaiba Corporation was! Anger flared inside him momentarily- why was he associating with this ignorant little girl? She thought he had an army—well, technically no, but if all of his fan-girls banded together, it could be possible. He tucked that tidbit of information away to consider later and turned back to the task at hand. This situation simply had to be remedied. "I can't believe you don't know any of this."
"Convent, remember?" She looked miffed at his condescension. Seto was wishing Jeeves was back with his fan so he didn't have to look so intimidating on his own.
"Well, if you've never heard of it, you've never seen it. Would you like to visit the KC tower tomorrow? I can arrange it if you like." Stern blue eyes juxtaposed the jubilant "brown" tinted ones that shined in happiness.
" Oh thank you! I was hoping to get to know Domino better, this is great! I'll stop by tomorrow at lunchtime, ok?" She bowed her head in thanks, missing the glint in his eyes at her acceptance. "I had better get back to the group, they must have thought I'd been abducted by now." With a friendly smile and goodbye, little Serenity wandered back down the hallway.
Seto grinned, an evil, insidious grin. She was coming- although she was annoyingly vague about when that would be. He struck a dramatic victory pose, but faltered mid-pose. Where was Jeeves with the fan and the lightning sheet? He stuck his head into the bathroom, where Jeeves was currently rinsing his mouth out with Listerine.
"Jeeves!" Seto barked. "Where were you during my dramatic pose? What if someone had been walking by! This is unacceptable!"
"Sorry, Seto," Mokuba replied, satisfied that his brother had returned to his "good", "normal", self. "Is it too late to try again?"
"The moment ran its course," Seto replied, dismissing the suggestion. "Let's go home, Mokuba."
Satisfied that all was forgiven, Mokuba smiled contentedly, and the brothers walked down the long and winding hall arm-in-arm until the moment was shattered, as usual, by Seto-the-tactful:
"How the HELL do you get out of here!?"
…to be continued…
So what are the morals of our story? Let's make a list to appear more organized!
Switch back and forth between Serenity Character Archetypes as often as possible for "maximum effect."
It's perfectly okay for characters to appear and disappear with no announcement. Plot-holes have their own unwritten rules, yes?
What grammar? What characterization? What motives? What canon?
If you can dream it, you can write it—but perhaps the quality of the intuition leaves something to be desired.
Always leave them wanting more; a good chapter ending has at least one thing unresolved. Bonus points if you can incorporate The Cliffhanger(TM).
Kako: If you appreciated our attempt at Silentshipping parody, please leave a review! And what parody would this be if we didn't hawk our other works? So yeah, check out our other Silentshipping pieces. Or not, it's totally your choice. But we'd both be missing out if you didn't.
ST: Kako, what about pimping our community? Subscribe to it please! You can read all of our amazing strategies and plot-devices in action! And of course, we're working diligently on the next chapter—it will be up when you least expect it, cause that's just how we roll.