elmo-doodle: A short one-shot inspired by the SatNav that my dad invested in the other day. I was annoyed with how it didn't scream abuse when you took a wrong turn or just blatantly ignored it, and I though, 'What would it be like to have a Doctor Who inspired SatNav?' Result this fanfiction.

Really, just a chance to chase off the plot bunnies and write some humour.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own it. Savvy?

Rose clambered out of her bed at 3am in the TARDIS. Rubbing her eyes, she wearily made her way down to the console room where various noises had perturbed her sleep.

The Doctor looked up from his seat on the floor at the sound of his companion's entrance. "Oh, hello, Rose!"

"Mmph," Rose responded, walking over to the pilot's chair and sitting down. "Whassat?" she asked, nodding towards the bits and bobs spread out on the console room floor.

"What, this?" the Doctor asked. "It's a secret," he replied, winking.

"I thought we didn't have secrets," she said through a yawn.

"Well… it's actually a present for your mother."

That woke her up. "Sorry," Rose blinked. "Did you just say that you're making something for my mum?"

"Um…yeah," the Doctor said, attaching one piece of metal to another with the sonic screwdriver.

"…Oh my god, what's it going to do?"

"Rose, you have such little faith in me," he said, mock sighing. "It's just a little something that will help her find her way around London. I'm tired of her driving us places and not having a clue where she's going."

"And what you're building is going to help with that?"




"…I'm going back to bed."


When Rose woke up again from her sleep, she and the Doctor got ready to make the visit to Earth. One of her mum's old friend's was having a birthday party, and she had invited Jackie and Rose to come. Jackie had phoned Rose and had practically told her that she was going (even if it meant bringing ihim/i with her) so Rose didn't really have much choice in the matter. When asked where it was, Jackie said that she had the address but she didn't have a clue where it was. Before Rose could even suggest it, Jackie had said that there was no way in hell that she was going to the party in a spaceship.

When they got to Earth, Jackie, Rose and the Doctor said all their 'hellos' and made their way over to Jackie's car. Before Rose got in, she was sidetracked by one of her old friend's approaching her. She decided to take a few minutes to talk, hoping that the Doctor and Jackie wouldn't kill each other in that time.

Much to Rose's surprise, when she climbed in to the back of the car, they were getting along perfectly fine.

"…and that's all there is to it," the Doctor finished saying as Rose sat beside him. "Ah, there you are, Rosie!"

"Rose, look at this," Jackie said, pointing to a little rectangular box stuck to the window screen with a sucker. "The Doctor's brought me a SatNav to help me find my way 'round London. Isn't that nice? Says he made it himself!"

"Really?" Rose said, feeling a little bit suspicious about the Doctor's actions. As much as he tries to get along with Jackie, Rose can't help but feel that he has some sneaky trick always hiding up his sleeve. She watched as the Doctor showed Jackie how to type in their destination, and said how it would call out the directions.

The Doctor sat back in his seat and put his seat belt on. He looked over at Rose and winked at her.

"All right, Doctor," Rose whispered, "what's that thing gonna do?"

He grinned. "Just wait and see."

Rose rolled her eyes but couldn't help the smile that spread across her lips.

"Right, off we go then," Jackie said, starting the car.

i"Drive straight ahead, and take the first right…/i

"Not bad," Rose observed, watching as the SatNav screen showed a detailed color map of the roads and directions. "So what's the surprise?"

"Just wait," he repeated.

Ten minutes passed and the SatNav hadn't done anything out of the ordinary. The smooth female voice it produced gave accurate directions and instructions. Rose was beginning to think that there was nothing out of the ordinary with it…

"Jackie," the Doctor said, leaning forwards in his seat a little. "Did you know you can change the voice on this SatNav?"

"Really?" she asked, surprised. "Go on, how do you do that then?"

The Doctor waggled his eyebrows at Rose before pulling out his sonic screwdriver and pointing it at the SatNav. Rose giggled a little at his expression. He sonicked the SatNav and sat back in the seat, waiting for the voice change to take place.

i"Take the first left or you will be deleted. Delete. Delete. Delete…"/i

Rose's mouth opened in shock as the voice of a Cyberman began giving driving instructions to Jackie.

"Whoops, sorry," the Doctor said, whipping out the screwdriver again while Jackie frowned. "I'll just change that…"

"The road on the left is closed, we'll have to take the next turn-off," Jackie said, driving past the intended turn-off.

The Doctor sat back in his seat, before jumping forwards at the next voice that it spoke in.


"Bugger," the Doctor said, taking out the screwdriver again while Rose silently laughed at her mum's shocked expression. "Sorry again! I didn't know that those voices were still on it…"

"Doctor…" Jackie said, warningly.

i"No, mum, you've gotta turn back now 'cause you missed the turn…"/i

Rose glared at the Doctor with a mixture of shock and amusement at the sound of her voice coming out of the SatNav.

"It's just changing by itself," the Doctor said, pointing the screwdriver at the machine with not results. "I can't stop it…"

i"Well, hello Ms Tyler,"/i came the American drawl of Jack Harkness, i"I see you missed the turn off. Don't worry, that just means you're one step closer to Cardiff, and one step closer to me…"/i

"Doctor," Jackie growled, glaring at him in the rear-view mirror.

i"Oi, space-boy! I told ya you couldn't drive, didn't I?..."/i

i"Mistress, you have to make a right turn at the next junction. Affirmative, you turned correctly…"/i

i"Hello there, Jackie! Nice to see you're using my present!"/i

"Oh, no…" the Doctor groaned as his own voice sounded through the SatNav.

i"Right! Well, you're wanting to get to you're friends' house. What's her name again, Bev? Mo? Well, someone. The next thing you've got to do is turn right. Or maybe it's left… no, right, definitely right. Almost possibly left… you know what, go straight ahead, I'm sure that'll be fine…"/i

The Doctor was frantically trying to turn the SatNav off from the back seat.

i"Okay, so now there's a signpost right in front of us. Funny thing about the creation of signposts! I was walking along the road with a friend a couple of hundred years back in your time, and we came to this junction, and we hadn't a clue where we were going. So I said to him…"/i

"Doctor, I swear, if you don't get this thing turned off, I'm going to make you regenerate!"

"Rose, help me!" the Doctor whispered, trying in vain to switch the bloody machine off.


By the time they had arrived at the party, the Doctor was cowering the back seat. As soon as the car stopped, he jumped out and headed off in any direction away from Jackie Tyler, who headed straight after him, yelling threats as she went. Rose was in no condition to save him, as she was still laughing while the Doctor's voice on the SatNav continued singing '1000 bottles of beer on the wall' in the background.

Constructive criticism is appreciated.