Monty Python and Naruto present: The Dead Parrot Sketch
Disclaimer: Monty Python does not belong to me, which, while sad, is probably a good thing, as I can in no way rival such genius. Naruto does not belong to me either. If it did, I can guarantee you that at least one villain would die laughing – literally.
Shop bell rings as Iruka enters.
"Hello. I wish to register a complaint. Hello, miss?"
Kakashi stands up from behind the counter, pretending he hadn't been hiding. "Did you say something?"
Iruka blinks as he registers that Kakashi is, in fact, male. "I'm sorry. I have a cold." He returns his attention to the bird cage he is holding. "I wish to make a complaint."
"Sorry, we're closing for lunch."
"Never mind that my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique."
Kakashi nods in seeming comprehension. "Ah, yes. The Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?" His head tilts in an innocent fashion.
"I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it."
"No, no. It's resting," Kakashi protests, gesturing to the cage. "Look."
"Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now."
"No, no. It's not dead, it's resting," Kakashi says earnestly.
"Resting?" Iruka repeats incredulously.
"Yeah," Kakashi grins ingratiatingly. "Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue. Beautiful plumage, isn't it?"
"The plumage don't enter into it," Iruka returns, not allowing himself to be distracted for a moment. "It's stone dead."
"No, no, it's resting."
"All right, then," Iruka accepts the challenge. "If it's resting, I'll wake it up. HELLOO POLLY! I"VE GOT A NICE CUT OF FISH FOR YOU WHEN YOU WAKE UP POLLY PARROT!"
Surreptitiously, Kakashi shoves the cage. "There, it moved," he announces.
"No it didn't!" Iruka protests, shocked at Kakashi's audaciousness. "That was you pushing the cage!"
"I did not!" Kakashi feigns outrage at the (accurate) accusation.
"Yes you did!" Iruka is determined not to let Kakashi get away with this, and fishes the parrot out from the cage. "HELLO POLLY!" he bellows in the general area of the bird's ear, knocking it against the counter several times for good measure before returning to exercising his vocal chords. "POLLY PARROT, WAKE UP!" Another few hits, causing feathers to fall out. "POLLY!" He tosses it into the air and watches unconcernedly as the bird falls to the ground, landing against the checkered tiles motionlessly. "Now that's what I call a dead parrot," he says calmly, returning his attention to Kakashi.
Kakashi attempts a different tactic. "No, no, it's just stunned."
"Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this," Iruka warns. "That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squall."
"It's got to be pining for the fjords," Kakashi invents hastily.
"Pining for the fjords!? What kind of talk is that?" Iruka cannot believe his ears. "Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?"
"The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back," Kakashi responds, snatching at the first vaguely plausible explanation. "It's a beautiful bird. Lovely plumage."
"I took the liberty of examining that parrot," Iruka frowns at Kakashi as he lowers the cage. "And I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there."
Kakashi feels a slight bit of anxiety coming on and firmly pushes it back. Hatake Kakashi does not do anxiety. "Of course it was nailed there!" he says, as if shocked at Iruka's surprise. "Otherwise, it would muscle up to those bars and voom!"
"Look, matey," Iruka sighs and exchanges the cage for the parrot on the floor. "This parrot wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleedin' demised."
"It's pinin'!" Kakashi protests, albeit somewhat weakly.
Iruka's head inflates, managing to look several sizes larger than reality. "It's not pinin'. It's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies! It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!"
Kakashi hesitates for a moment, looking at Iruka. "Well, I'd better replace it then," he says finally.
"If you want to get anything done in this country, you've got to complain until you're blue in the mouth," Iruka mutters under his breath.
"Sorry guv, we're all out of parrots," Kakashi informs Iruka, managing to sound both helpful and unconcerned at the same time.
"I see," Iruka grits his teeth, annoyed. "I get the picture."
"How 'bout a slug?" Kakashi suggests.
"Does it talk?" Iruka asks pointedly.
Kakashi appears to think about it for a moment. "Not really, no."
"Then it's scarcely a replacement then, is it?" Iruka's eyes flash dangerously.
"Tell you what, tell you what," Kakashi says placatingly. "If you go to my brother's pet shop in Suna, he'll replace your parrot for you."
"Suna, eh?" Iruka accepts the business card with a contemplative air, then nods. "All right," he agrees, and leaves the shop, parrot in hand.