Is There a Ninja in Your Pants?
"So, you're a girl, huh?"
- The pick up line that inspired this.
"Well, if she was a lesbian then she probably would have fucked Ino by now," Kiba mused.
A dreamy expression suddenly stretched across the face of two of the loudest ninjas in all of Konoha. The moment sadly came to pass as Naruto put his bottle of frothy brown beer down on the table surface with a loud chink. Kiba started out of his reverie and scowled, chugging his beer in one go before wiping an arm across his mouth roughly.
"No, no, it's not good if she's a lesbian. Then she would never date me!" Naruto pointed out in frustration.
"But you've got to admit, that would be pretty hot."
Another long dreamy silence ensued.
"No! No, honestly, what do I do? She isn't taking me seriously at all," Naruto insisted, trying to steer the conversation back on track. Kiba sighed loudly, obviously annoyed, and pulled out another bottle of nearly expired beer from the huge box underneath the table.
He said as he pulled off the bottle cap with his teeth, "Well, no shit," the bottle cap came off and he spat it out of his mouth, "you're the least serious person anyone in Konoha knows."
"Get out of my house, asshole," the blonde snapped at Kiba, who completely ignored him. Such were the joys of friendship.
Kiba shrugged and took a long gulp of beer, groaning in ecstasy as it burned his throat on the way down. He asked half-heartedly, "Do you even know what kind of guy she wants?"
"Not really," Naruto admitted sheepishly, swilling his beer around in its bottle with a contemplative frown on his face.
His friend leaned forwards like he was about to tell a great secret and said bluntly, "She's got the worst taste in men. She liked that asshole Uchiha for fuck's sake and you're the guy's complete opposite."
"So you're saying I have to act like the bastard?" Naruto blurted out in disgust.
"If that's what turns Sakura on," Kiba stated.
The next day, Naruto made a beeline for the hospital at 6 o clock- the end of Sakura's shift. Kiba had given him a tiny microchip to put in his left ear so that he could tell Naruto exactly what to do, since he was much better at pretending to be Sasuke than Naruto. He thought he was better than Naruto at everything, but that is another debatable topic that we shall not discuss here.
"Okay, okay, she's coming," Naruto hissed under his breath and he heard Kiba growl in his ear.
For a moment, he forgot that he was meant to be Sasuke and simply drooled as the roseate medic made her way towards the main street. The white uniform she wore was a size too small and stretched in all the right places and that nurse's cap would be the death of him…
"Don't worry, I've got you covered. Just look cool," Kiba instructed Naruto vaguely.
"Look cool? How do I do that?" he asked hurriedly in a panic as she grew closer, closer.
"Don't ask me! I don't fucking know," The voice on the other end was no help at all.
Naruto froze as Sakura turned a corner.
"God damn it, you idiot, she's gone now!" he shouted in frustration into the headphone.
"It's your own fault for being so uncool," Kiba retorted sharply.
"Naruto, is something wrong? I could hear you screaming at yourself from the next block over," Sakura asked with an inquisitive pink eyebrow raised.
He could have melted into a puddle of shame. Not only did he not know how to act cool, but now Sakura thought he was insane. And Kiba was howling in laughter in his ear. He was going to seriously throw the dog man out of his house next time, he swore to himself. Naruto leaned against a wall.
What else would Sasuke do?
He ran through a list in his head. Be an asshole, ditch the village for a psychopath, be an asshole, be an asshole, wear gay shirts, be an asshole- damn the list was getting him nowhere.
"Smirk you idiot!" Kiba hissed.
Naruto tried to smirk at Sakura.
It was a given that Uzumaki Naruto could not and did not smirk, which was exactly why Masashi Kishimoto had introduced Sasuke into the series as the sex icon. Naruto's face had been built for wide face splitting grins and it was virtually impossible for him to lift a single corner of his mouth without looking like he was having a stroke.
"…Naruto?" she said his name cautiously, feeling intimidated.
"Damn it, just do something Sasuke would do!" Kiba snapped in his ear.
And Naruto stupidly did just that.
There was a long, long silence in which the two of them simply stared at each other; Naruto in horror at what he had just done and Sakura in a variety of emotions. Then, the telltale vein jumped above her left eye and Naruto's mind went on red alert as it screamed at him to run for Sunagakure.
It was only when he was lying on the floor, his arm twisted at an unnatural angle with a black eye darker than tar that Kiba cut in, "You're fucked."
"You could have told me earlier, asshole."
Naruto stared stonily at the grainy wood of his second hand dining table, his bottle of beer still unopened and untouched. Kiba was currently drinking everything slightly alcoholic he could get his hands on.
"Are you going to drink that?" Kiba asked.
Naruto burst, "You idiot! Why did we go along with your stupid plan anyways, now Sakura hates me! I don't even know why I took your advice."
Kiba opened the bottle with his teeth and spat the cap into the rubbish bin. He took a long swig before answering, "You would look like a pussy if you asked a girl and nobody else is fagged enough to help you."
Naruto buried his head in his hands. He mumbled, "Do you have anymore ideas?"
Kiba hesitated contemplatively, a frown on his face. He said slowly, "Well, I remember Ino saying that Sakura liked really sappy guys. Maybe you should try that."
"But she liked Sasuke."
"I guess, but have you got any better ideas?" Kiba pointed out and Naruto groaned.
He eventually questioned, "How do I act sappy?"
At exactly eleven fifty nine PM three days later, Sakura awoke to the sound of a stone hitting the glass of her window. She stared at it incredulously and as she watched, a second stone hit her window with a soft tap.
She could hear muted voices outside. "I don't think this is working."
"Try throwing it harder. Maybe it's not loud enough."
A rock smashed through her window and hit the wall opposite her with a loud smack.
"You idiot! You broke her fucking window!"
"You told me to throw it harder, shit, she's going to kill me-"
Kiba suddenly disappeared as Sakura opened her window and stared at Naruto. He smiled sheepishly up at her and she glared down at him through narrowed eyes. He couldn't remember the sickeningly romantic speech he and Kiba had spent the past few days writing, his mind had gone completely blank the moment he saw her.
"I'll pay for the window," Naruto muttered.
Sakura crossed her arms over her chest and stated flatly, "You'd better have a good reason for waking me up."
It was with some horror and great embarrassment that she stared at Naruto as he began to climb her wall, with a bouquet of flowers secured between his teeth. She took a step back as he jumped into her bedroom and even she flinched when he landed on the glass shards. He took a sharp breath in through his teeth in pain and held the bouquet of purple cosmos out to her.
"You're so beautiful, I want to be reincarnated as your child so I can breastfeed on you till I'm 20," he proclaimed to her.
There was a long silence.
"You dumbass, I told you not to say that one!" Kiba shouted in Naruto's ear.
"What?" Sakura asked, looking as though she had just been mowed over by an elephant.
Naruto asked, "Did it hurt?"
"Did what hurt?" she demanded angrily.
"When you fell out of heaven?"
She looked at him in complete and utter disbelief. He pulled out a box of chocolates from his back pocket and handed them to her. He grinned again and she felt something lurch in her chest, something that tasted suspiciously like vomit.
"You're like milk, you're a part of my complete breakfast."
He was promptly sent sailing out of the window, but not before she snatched the box of chocolates and flowers from his grip. She ripped off the flimsy red wrapping and wrenched off the heart shaped cover, staring down at all the chocolates with narrowed eyes. Eventually she took one and bit into it, chewing with an angry flushed face.
Naruto, who was passed out by this point, was dragged home by a reluctant Kiba. The next morning, something hit Naruto sharply in the head. He woke blearily and blinked up at his ceiling as though he had never seen it before, before being hit with another white round object. He noticed absently it was a crumpled ball of paper.
"You're out of booze and you're broke," a voice informed him bitterly.
Kiba sat at Naruto's dining table with a bottle of water in his hands. Naruto picked up the ball of paper and unravelled it, his eyes scanning over the words there.
"What's this?" Naruto asked, holding up a hastily scrawled list.
Kiba shrugged and explained, "It's a list of pick up lines. Ino said that persistence pays off when you're trying to get a girl. I figured that if you keep giving Sakura pick up lines, she'll have to like at least one of them, right?"
Naruto rubbed his chin doubtfully and said, "I don't know…I mean, some of these are a bit rude…"
"Girls dig that stuff. Don't worry, you'll have the headset again so I'll help you out," Kiba reassured him.
Sakura sighed as Naruto shuffled into the clinic and shut her black folder with a snap. He sat down on the metal table in the middle of the room and she shifted her weight to her left foot, putting a hand on her hip.
She asked in exasperation, "Is something really wrong with you, Naruto?"
"Yeah, I think there's something wrong with my eyes," Naruto explained to her.
"And that would be?" she pressed him for details.
"I can't keep them off of you."
The first pick up line was crossed off the list.
Naruto caught Sakura as she left the hospital and grabbed her by the wrist. She stopped and her eyes narrowed in suspicion as he grinned at her widely.
"I bet you twenty dollars you're going to say no if I ask you out," he declared to her.
She promptly stuffed twenty dollars into his hand.
When Sakura heard a knock at her door two hours later, she stood up and peered through the peephole. She was met with Naruto's bright blue eye and sighed loudly as she opened the door half heartedly.
"Help the homeless. Take me home with you," Naruto pleaded.
The door was slammed in his face.
"Kiba, I really don't think this is working," Naruto complained to his friend.
The list read as below:
1. There's something wrong with my eyes. I can't keep them off of you.
2. I bet you twenty dollars you're going to say no if I ask you out.
3. You know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look like Venus de Milo.
4. You're so hot, you melt the plastic in my underwear.
5. What time do you need to be back in heaven?
6. Are we related? Do you want to be?
7. I'm trying to determine after years of therapy whether I'm allergic to sex.
8. Let's take a shower together - you smell.
9. Hey babe, wanna make a quick fifty bucks?
10. Help the homeless. Take me home with you.
Needless to say, all ten of them had been crossed out.
"Just keep at it, she'll have to crack eventually," Kiba told him.
"I think I'm just going to wing it," Naruto decided aloud and Kiba immediately leaped to his feet, forcing him back onto the sofa.
"No, you are not going to wing it. You're going to make a complete idiot of yourself and she'll hate you forever," Kiba insisted.
Naruto mumbled, "It's not like she can hate me anymore than she already does."
It was then that Kiba released Naruto and frowned at him. Then, he clapped him on the back and said, "You have a point there. I'll be at your funeral."
Ten minutes later, Naruto knocked at Sakura's door. There was no answer and he waited for a few moments before knocking again. When nobody came to open the door, he tried the doorknob and it opened.
Feeling a little bit like an intruder, he stepped into her house. He heard a voice coming from the living room and silently treaded towards it.
"…I don't know, I mean it's like he's doing everything but telling me how he really feels," Sakura's voice carried through the hallway and he paused, listening to her.
"Yeah, but even though I like Naruto and all, the stuff he's doing doesn't really seem like him. It's like he's taking instructions from someone or something, I don't know-"
Naruto was so shocked by the sudden revelation. Sakura liked him? He was too late when the door to the living room creaked open and he was face to face with Sakura.
The phone fell from Sakura's hand and it clattered against the floor. Behind her, Naruto could see the finished box of chocolates he had given her a couple of days ago and the bouquet of cosmos was in a glass vase on her windowsill. He then stared back at Sakura and a long silence fell between them.
"I like you, Sakura."
First Sakura gasped, then she frowned, then she chewed on her lip until a smile blossomed on her face all in a matter of five seconds. It felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from Naruto's shoulders and he crushed the paper of pick up lines in his pocket.
Naruto kissed her and she melted into him. This was what she had been waiting for, what he'd been waiting for and she didn't want to be anywhere else right now-
There was a soft tap as a ball of paper fell onto the floor. Sakura broke away from Naruto to look at it and picked it up before he could stop her. His face was the picture of horror as she unravelled it.
A voice spoke into Naruto's headset. "You're fucked."
"At least you made it on time," Naruto grumbled under his breath.
"Sakura, is there a ninja in your pants?"