I really should stop writing things when I'm sleep deprived... Then again, maybe I should. I noticed they're always longer stories during this time.
My sister said something funny to me while we were playing Transformers: The Game (that's where we get all our best ideas from, it seems...), and I got the idea for this story from that joke. The only difference is, she envisioned it as only movie-verse Transformers. I thought it would be funnier with mixed continuites.
Ava and Benjamin (I like the name Ava... Benjamin's named after Benjamin Franklin... I don't know why either...)
G1 Optimus Prime, Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, Prowl
Beast Wars Megatron
Bayformers (movie-verse) Jazz
...and guest-starring G1 Starscream
Disclaimer: This story is pure crack and involves mixed continuities, pop culture references, robots doing things and performing functions that robots probably can't/don't really do, and extreme out-of-characterness, and is therefore not meant to be taken seriously. You have been warned...
Ava sighed and looked up from her laptop at her husband. "Yes, Benjamin?"
"Some of my old college buddies are gonna be in town next week, and they needed someplace to stay, so I invited them over. That's not a problem, is it?" he smiled innocently. She gave him a blank stare. "Honey?"
"No. Absolutely not."
"Tell them to find someplace else to stay."
"There is no place else. Why do you think they asked to stay here?"
"Well too bad! This is a household, not the Holiday Inn!"
"Please, Ava? Pleeease?! I haven't seen them in so long! They'll only be over for a week!" he pleaded.
Ava sighed. "Alright. But no parties, alcohol, or girls."
"Yay! Thank you, Ava!"
Ava walked up the front steps of her home. She was a bit nervous, as today was the day her husband's college friends were coming over, and he had refused to tell her anything about them, minus a few horror stories from their partying days. Still, it had been a while since they'd been in college, and time promotes maturity, so they couldn't be all bad now, right? Right?
Wrong. The second she opened the door, her jaw dropped upon seeing their company. "Benjamin, why is there a purple lizard sitting on our couch?"
"Oh, hi honey! This is my old college roommate, Beast Wars Megatron," Benjamin introduced him.
"Nice to meet you, Miss Ava," Megatron replied.
"Can I speak to you in the kitchen for a moment, Benjamin..." Ava asked menacingly.
"Yeah, sure. I'll be back in a second, Megs," he said to his guest before following his wife into the kitchen. "What's wrong, sweetie?"
"Oh, nothing... Just that you forgot to mention the part about your college friend being a robot!" she growled.
"Oh, sorry Ava. They're all robots," he replied.
"Yeah. I said I was inviting a few friends over, not just one."
Just then, the back door opened and another robot walked in. "Hey, Ben! Look! I caught a rabid squirrel!" he exclaimed proudly, holding up a twitching squirrel that was foaming at the mouth. "I named him Bitey!"
"Oh my god! Benjamin, do something!" Ava panicked.
"Sideswipe, what did I tell you when you first got here about bringing diseased rodents into the house?" he asked.
"Oh, right, sorry..." He placed the squirrel down on the porch mat. "Wipe your feet, Bitey," he instructed.
"There. Much better." He turned to his wife. "Now, you were saying something earlier?"
"N-nothing... I think I'm just going to go to our room and lie down for a bit..." Ava turned around and walked back through the living room to the stairway. Megatron was flipping through the channels on the TV and didn't notice her. She approached her room and reached for the doorknob. The next thing anyone heard was Ava screaming like a chick in a bad horror movie. "Benjamin!!" she screamed.
"Yes, Ava?" Benjamin and Sideswipe ran up the steps to see what was wrong.
"Care to explain to me why there is a robot in our bed, reading the Da Vinci Code?"
Optimus looked up from his book. "The guest room was full."
"Oh yeah, Ava, this is G1 Optimus Prime!" Ava glared at him. "I told him he could stay in our room because there wasn't any more room in the guest room."
"Why? Who's in the guest room?"
"Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, and Bayformers Jazz."
Jazz walked past and waved to them. "What's crackin' little bitches?"
Ava looked back at her husband. "How many people did you invite?!"
"Relax, Ava. Only seven."
"Seven?! I thought you said you were only inviting a few friends?!"
"That is only a few friends. I had 129 friends in college. You should have seen my Myspace's friend list!"
Ava felt like slamming her head on a wall. Either hers, or her husband's. "So... Who else did you invite over that I haven't met yet?"
"Well, you haven't met G1 Sunstreaker or Prowl yet... Where are they, Sideswipe?"
"Sunstreaker's asleep. Prowl's someplace in somewhere."
"That's only six..."
"Oh, and Animated Bumblebee. He's out back."
"Oh yeah, that reminds me, I buried him in the neighbor's sandbox and forgot about him. Be right back!" Sideswipe said before running off.
"This is the last time I let you bring friends home!" Ava snapped.
"Quiet!! Grandma's trying to watch her soaps!!" Megatron called from downstairs.
Ava had a long day yesterday. Sideswipe had managed to rig the cabinet to fire paint when it was opened. She'd spent thirty minutes trying to get all the paint out of her hair. She also missed all her shows because Sunstreaker and Bumblebee had decided to watch a marathon of cartoons that were both plotless and pointless. She slept outside in the neighbor kid's tree house because Optimus Prime was still using their room, the guest room was taken, and Megatron was using the couch. She then had a run-in with the one known as Prowl, who was so boring she almost fell asleep standing up while talking to him. Walking upstairs to the bathroom, she sighed, knowing this was going to be a long week. She opened the door and froze in the doorway.
"Hey! I'm in here!" Megatron shouted from the bathtub. "Knock first, yes?"
"The door has a lock, you know!" she countered.
"General Squeakenheimer, will you mind shutting the door?" he asked, throwing a rubber duck at her. Ava quickly shut the door to avoid being hit with the duck.
"Uh oh... You walked in on his bubble bath too, huh?" Prowl said. "He really should lock the door... This place is full of perverts..." he continued, glaring at Sunstreaker and Sideswipe.
"What? We don't walk in on you intentionally!" Sunstreaker countered.
"Yeah, you do! And you podcast it to all your little buddies from BotCon, too!"
"As a fan service!"
Ava quickly walked back downstairs and sat on the couch to avoid the ensuing argument. She really wanted to scream. She instead smacked her husband upside the head with the rolled up TV guide after he came in from the tent he'd set up for himself in the front yard.
"What?" he asked.
"Next time, warn me before you pull crap like this!" she snarled.
Bumblebee and Jazz glanced out into the living room from the kitchen. "Hey, Miss Ava... We made cookies. Where's the fire extinguisher?" Bumblebee asked.
All of a sudden, the fire alarm went off and the house started to fill with smoke.
"Cookies are done!" Jazz said before running off to get them from the oven.
Ava leapt off the couch and ran into the kitchen. Sure enough, the oven was on fire. Jazz and Bumblebee were just standing at a distance, watching it burn.
"Hey Miss Ava, is your oven supposed to do that?" Jazz asked.
Everyone in the house ran to the kitchen to see what was wrong. "Whoo! Break out the marshmallows!" Sideswipe said excitedly.
"Why is everybody just standing around?!" Ava asked in a panic. She ran to the closet where they usually kept the fire extinguisher. "Gah! Benjamin, where's the extinguisher?!"
"Oh...Yeah, about that..." Sideswipe started.
"Sides, where's the extinguisher?!" Optimus demanded.
"He sprayed me with it when I was sleeping this morning!" Prowl answered for him.
"So where is it now?!" Ava asked.
"Oh, that's just perfect!" Suddenly, the flames went out with a hiss. Everybody stared, horrified, at Sunstreaker.
"What? I really had to pee."
Optimus opened the door after the seventh time whoever was on the other side had to ring the doorbell. "Yes?"
Two police officers stood on the doorstep. The first one began to speak. "Sir, we've had several complaints coming from..."
"Woah, wait, are you Optimus Prime?!" his partner asked in surprise.
Optimus considered the question a moment before answering. "Yes. Yes I am."
"Oh my god! Optimus, I'm a huge fan! Can we come in for a moment?"
"Yeah, sure. Just don't eat the cookies..." he warned.
Ava walked in and noticed Optimus let in two police officers. "Oh, shit..."
"Ooh! Is that Beast Wars Megatron?!" the second cop said excitedly, jumping onto the couch next to him. Megatron stared at him funny. "First, I'd like to say that you are my favorite incarnation of Megatron ever!"
"Yesss..." Megatron said, smiling contemplatingly.
"Optimus, what are you doing?" Ava whispered to him.
"They came investigating complaints or something. The hyper one said he was a fan, so I let him in," Optimus explained.
"You'd let a serial killer in if he said he was a fan!"
"Probably," he replied, unphased by her criticism.
Ava turned to the first police officer. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"Oh, not unless you call reports of a robot running armorless through the streets a problem," he replied.
Optimus and Ava both turned to look at Sunstreaker. "Why do you always assume it's me?!" he asked.
"Because you're the one with the suggestive name," Sideswipe replied.
"Wait, I thought it was you..." Bumblebee added.
"Well yeah, but still!"
"What the hell, Sunstreaker?!" Ava demanded.
"Sideswipe dared me to do it!" he accused.
"We got bored and were playing "Truth or Dare". I didn't think he'd actually do it."
"Oh yeah, and we also got a report of an irritable one cursing out the neighbors," the cop added.
"Prowl," they all said in unison.
After paying a few fines and lecturing Sunstreaker and Prowl, Ava was a bit worn out from the events of the past three days, and found she had fallen asleep at the kitchen table. She awoke to a loud stomping noise in the living room and stood up, walking to the other room to see what it was. She froze in the doorway.
"Benjamin, what the hell?!"
"What? He brought the game with him!" her husband defended.
"What is this?!"
Jazz paused the game and looked at her. "What? You never saw DDR before?"
"We're playing Rock Band later!" Bumblebee said, holding up a guitar controller.
Ava backed out of the room and went to find her Happy Place in the neighbor kid's tree house. She hoped that Jazz didn't put a hole in the floor DDR-ing. She paused at the ladder when she noticed that the tree house was already occupied.
"What are you doing in here?!" she demanded.
"It's D&D night," Prowl explained.
"Care to join us?" Optimus asked.
"No, I'm not going to join you!" she growled, backing out of the tree house. She walked back to the house with plans on going to her room. With Optimus in there, that meant it should be unoccupied. Wrong again.
"What?" Megatron asked.
"What are you doing in my room?!"
"Where else are we supposed to do our puzzle?"
"It's a fishy!" Sunstreaker said, holding up the box.
Ava turned around and walked back out. She headed for the guest room and found that it was occupied as well. She caught Sideswipe doing...She didn't even want to know what he was doing...It seemed like something gross. She quickly headed for the bathroom and passed out on the floor. A few hours later, she awoke when the guests downstairs decided to hook Rock Band up to the stereo speakers to make it louder, and, oh joy, they were playing Metallica as their first song.
"TURN IT DOWN!!" she shouted, unheard, down the steps.
"It's quieter in here, Miss Ava," Sunstreaker said invitingly.
"I'm not sleeping in there where you are!" she snapped.
"Why not?" Megatron asked.
"Because Prowl says you're both perverts!"
"No I don't!" he called from the tree house.
"Go back on your Nerd Quest, Prowl!" Sunstreaker called out the window.
"Forget it. I'm not sleeping in there with you."
"Aww, what's the matter? Don't trust us?" Megatron asked.
"Of course I don't!"
Sunstreaker started sniffing. "Oh... I see... Okay..." he started pretending to cry.
"Oh, now look what you did! You made the poor guy cry!" Megatron scolded.
"He's pretending!" Ava defended herself.
"Look, he's trying not to laugh!"
"There, there, it's okay, Sunstreaker. She's just being a meanie."
"Okay, okay, fine! If it'll get him to stop, I'll sleep in there!"
Sunstreaker immediately stopped. "Yay!!"
Ava awoke the next day with all their guests staring at her. She fell off the bed screaming and backed across the room.
"You're so pretty when you sleep..." Megatron said.
"Did you know you say funny stuff while you snooze?" Bumblebee added.
"What is wrong with you all?!" Ava demanded.
"Hell if we know," Prowl replied.
Suddenly, her husband peeked in. "Everybody downstairs! I made pancakes!" He quickly pressed himself against the wall to avoid getting horribly mangled in the stampede of robots running downstairs to the kitchen.
"Benjamin, are you aware that they were watching me sleep?!" Ava growled at him. "And that Megatron one was drooling..."
"Oh, they were just curious."
"What, are they five? I highly doubt they were..."
"Pancakes!" her husband repeated, running downstairs to avoid the subject.
"Hey! You get back here, Benjamin!"
When she reached the kitchen, she froze at the sight that awaited her. She knew her husband's guests were messy eaters from experience, but never had she witnessed a mess such as this. Food was everywhere. Bumblebee and Sideswipe were having a contest to see who could get the most pancakes to stick to the wall. Optimus and Megatron were fork fighting over the biggest chocolate chip pancake on the plate, which Jazz snatched while they weren't looking. Sunstreaker was under the table, shivering in fear of the syrup and pancake mess that threatened to damage his beautiful, spotless armor. She turned her gaze upwards to the ceiling and choked back a scream. How the hell did they get syrup on the ceiling?! And it was dripping down in waterfalls!
"The pancake is mine, Prime!" Megatron shouted.
"Back off, Barney! It's mine!" Optimus retaliated.
"Hey Miss Ava, look! Everything sticks to us!" Jazz giggled, taking advantage of the syrup mess and sticking a fork to the side of Prowl's head.
"Look... I made a tipi!" Prowl said, pointing at the pancakes and silverware he'd stuck together.
"Hey, where'd the pancake go?!" Megatron asked.
"Hey Ava, where are you going?!" Benjamin called.
"To my therapist!" she answered.
Sunstreaker started screaming like a girl when Bumblebee stuck a syrup-sodden pancake to his arm.
Ava reentered her home from another night of sleeping in the tree house, shaking off the rainwater that covered her. She smiled at the quiet that greeted her. In fact, she barely minded the mess in the kitchen, just as long as it was quiet. She walked into the living room, figuring they were all watching TV or playing a video game or something. She glanced around and noticed no one was in the living room. She glanced upstairs. None of the lights were on. She opened the basement door. Darkness... Either they'd all left, her husband included, or...
She walked upstairs without bothering to turn on any lights and noticed a faint glow coming from the attic door. She opened it and walked up the steps to find them all gathered around a dimly lit lantern. "What are you doing up here?"
"We accidentally knocked all the power out, so we decided to pass our time telling stories," Sideswipe replied.
Ava sighed. She hadn't even bothered trying to turn on any lights and hadn't noticed that the power was out. "How did you manage to do that?"
"Megatron put a plugged-in toaster in the bathtub," Optimus answered.
"I wanted to see what would happen. You guys admitted that it looked cool, yes?" Megatron added.
"It was pretty. You should have seen it!" Bumblebee said to support this claim. Ava didn't even seem phased. The past six days had numbed her senses.
"Why don't you stay with us, Ava? It's Prowl's turn to tell a story!" Benjamin invited.
"Yeah, sure. What the hell," she sighed, completing her trek up the stairs and sitting in the circle with them.
"Go ahead, Prowl," Benjamin encouraged.
"Once upon a time, two twins were born, and their names were Sunstreaker and Sideswipe. And the scariest part is, this is a true story. The end," Prowl said.
"Too scary..." Megatron whimpered.
"Hey!" the twins shouted in unison.
"Alright, Sunstreaker, why don't you tell us a story?" Jazz asked.
"Okay, once upon a time, there was this thing...and some stuff happened to this guy...and there was this big monster...and I forget what happens next, but something important happens and the monster does stuff and then dies somehow...and there was this other thing, but I forget what...The end," Sunstreaker said.
Everybody stared at him like O.o. Prowl and Sideswipe clapped, glad that it was over.
"Hey Miss Ava, why don't you tell us a story?" Bumblebee asked.
"Once upon a time, the end," she quickly said.
"Oh, you're no fun..."
"Ooh, let's see if we can summon a ghost or something!" Benjamin said. Everyone else started to agree excitedly.
"Excuse me?" Ava asked.
"Megatron's one hell of a medium. Let's see who we can get!"
"Okay, yesss, it's been a while since I've done this, so let's see..." Megatron said, concentrating. "Hey, if there's a dead guy here, speak now or forever hold your piece."
"I'm a dead guy," a high-pitched voice said from the corner.
"Who said that?"
"Starscream." Everyone started groaning at this response.
"Great... Out of all the dead people in this universe, we get G1 Megatron's ex-girlfriend's ghost..." Optimus grumbled.
"I'm a dude!" Starscream corrected.
Optimus cocked his head. "Really?"
"Hey Starscream, what is it like being dead?" Sunstreaker asked.
"Well for one thing, it isn't very lively here..." he replied. "And there's this crazy guy here who keeps speaking in rhyme and asking me for Jazz."
"Who is it?" Jazz asked.
"Some kid named "Wheelie"."
"Oh, right...Don't let him through..."
"Why's he asking for you?" Prowl asked.
"I owe him twenty bucks."
"Twenty bucks for what?" Optimus asked him.
"We had a bet that he couldn't hold his breath underwater for 40 minutes," Jazz replied.
"How'd he die?" Bumblebee asked.
"He held it for 47."
"Oh hey, is Ratchet there?" Sideswipe asked.
"Yeah, he's here," Starscream replied.
"Could you tell him something for me?"
"Tell him I set the medbay on fire twice since he was gone."
"Why do you want me to tell him that?!"
"I'm hoping he'll be angry enough that he'll rise from the dead just so he can hit me with his wrench...I kinda miss him."
"Aww, my baby brother actually misses somebody?" Sunstreaker teased.
"Shut up, you miss him too!" Sideswipe retorted.
"Yes, well, this conversation's going to the pit..." Megatron sighed.
"For once, I agree with you..." Ava groaned.
"Oh, I gotta go... I'm supposed to meet Bayformers Bonecrusher for afternoon tea," Starscream said.
"Tell him I said wat up," Jazz requested.
The attic lights started flickering and went back on. "Yay! The power's back on!" Bumblebee cheered.
"I can't wait until you all leave tomorrow," Ava grumbled.
"Well...I guess this is goodbye," Benjamin sniffed. He hugged Megatron. "Be strong, Benjamin..."
"Aww, we'll come back to visit some time," Megatron reassured, patting his back.
"Please don't..." Ava said.
"Be sure to come down to the next BotCon. We'll be there," Jazz promised.
"Yes, and if you're lucky, David Kaye might be there too. I hear he's a nice guy," Megatron added.
"It's been nice pranking you," Sideswipe said. "By the way, I left an octopus for you in your toilet. His name's Peter."
"I named him after Peter Cullen."
"Ah. Thanks, Sides."
"I'm suing you for the mental grief caused by this household's syrup, so I'll see you again soon," Sunstreaker said as he hugged Benjamin.
"You might need a new bed," Optimus warned.
"Look me up on WoW. Here's my username," Prowl said, handing him a slip of paper.
"Hey, thanks, Prowl... Lord of the Pixies?"
"Well, thanks for playing video games with me," Bumblebee said.
"Bye, guys. I'll miss you!"
"Yes! Finally! They're leaving!!" Ava cheered, running back inside. Confetti and balloons flew out the windows.
"She looks so torn..." Sideswipe said, sighing.
"Don't worry. She'll feel better when we drop in next month for a visit. Be sure not to tell her so it'll stay a surprise," Megatron said to Benjamin.
"Will do!" Benjamin promised.